How do you let your kids have friends over without ending up babysitting?

[Aerynne]

Basically, I like it when the mom comes too (and any siblings are welcome of course) but around here, it seems the norm just to have the kids over. Dd is almost 6, but some of her friends are younger (4 or so) and I really would rather not be babysitting. Also I like the social time when the mom comes. We have some friends where the parents come but they live far away (so we don't see them as often). I did tell my neighbor (we're close and I knew she wouldn't be offended) that until the baby is born and while the baby is small I'd like her to come, too. She was fine with it. But what about people you don't know as well? How do you ask in a way that says "you have to come, too" without sounding rude? What if she says "I can't come, but ____ (the child) can."? I have a hard time saying no politely to that. So I guess I'm looking for some phrasing help.

[Marsha]

I don't know. I prefer it many times to just have the kids come over. I find it stressful to have it turn into a social event. When just kids are over, they go play and I clean house and read and crochet and what have you. It entertains my kids better than just each other. I was the volunteer, last minute babysitter for YEARS for that very reason. I prefrred four kids to my two LOL.

It does';t feel any more like "babysitting" than caring for my own. They play, you give them snacks, assist with bathrrom if necessary.

[expatmom]

Can you extend an invitation like "I'll make a fresh pot of tea & some muffins for when you all come over!" Peppy & friendly-like. :)

[Sweet Life]

Can you extend an invitation like "I'll make a fresh pot of tea & some muffins for when you all come over!" Peppy & friendly-like. :)

This is a good idea. :tu

I don't know. I prefer it many times to just have the kids come over. I find it stressful to have it turn into a social event.

But this is how I personally feel about it, too. :yes

[ReedleBeetle]

I would rather be with Isaac when he goes to a friend's house,a dn most people act like that is totally....odd. Isaac prefers to go alone if he knows someone fairly well though.

[Aerynne]

I don't know. I prefer it many times to just have the kids come over. I find it stressful to have it turn into a social event. When just kids are over, they go play and I clean house and read and crochet and what have you. It entertains my kids better than just each other. I was the volunteer, last minute babysitter for YEARS for that very reason. I prefrred four kids to my two LOL.

It does';t feel any more like "babysitting" than caring for my own. They play, you give them snacks, assist with bathrrom if necessary.

When I try to go do my thing while the kids play, the kids destroy things and break rules they wouldn't think of breaking when they don't have friends over.

Expatmom, that might work. Not sure if they'd get the hint, though. What would I say before that?

[ilikestrawberryjello]

What about calling it a "mom's social hour" Say..."Hey I was wondering if you and (children) wanted to come by, the kids could play and we can chat"

[Marsha]

When I try to go do my thing while the kids play, the kids destroy things and break rules they wouldn't think of breaking when they don't have friends over.

Expatmom, that might work. Not sure if they'd get the hint, though. What would I say before that?

Wow, mine are better behaved! Though, yes, I do always have my ears open and we have few to no rules really.

Hmmm, bathing in mud instead of playing in the wading pool....peeing outside instead of the house....that's about the only ARGH moments I've had after YEARS of kid play at my house.

[Aerynne]

My kids are really great when it's just them, but not so much with friends. I'll give you an example of bad behavior with friends (and this is by far the worst I've seen, and it's only happened once, but it happened to be last week). My dd and her friend went outside in the front yard alone without asking (this is against our rules and the rules at the friend's house- they're welcome to go in back anytime but have to go in the front with an adult). My dd wore her ballet clothes, including her ballet shoes, and the friend was wearing one of our dress-up dresses (not allowed outside). My dd told the truth about going out in clothes that aren't allowed outside but her friend lied about it. Dd told me she had gone out because her friend did.

[CrunchySeaSalt]

Let them know it is a PLAYDATE, and that there will be XXX for the moms and XXX for the kids to have for snack

[MomtoJGJ]

I think the behavior depends on the kids... we have two neighborhood girls that I have basically told our girls they cannot play inside the house because they destroy things, take things, and leave horrible messes. I've debated having only supervised play outside, and have warned my girls that if they let M&C convince them to do things that aren't allowed that's what it'll be.

Everyone else I don't mind... I do like if other mom's come if it's a beautiful day and we are all outside.... I don't know their rules for things, and would prefer them to help with their kids.... it's getting easier now that my kids are older too though.

I have absolutely no idea on how to say no though.... I haven't managed to do that. I try hinting, but either they don't get it or choose to ignore it and pretend they didn't get it. :)

ETA: sorry... meant to say too that to "have payback" at the parents of the ones who come here to destroy I send all three of my big girls up there sometimes :) they live just a few houses down. Their kids are 7 and 5.5, while mine are 6, 5, and 3. hehehe... they have to deal with the fussing/fighting/whining/arguing for a bit!!

[April G]

OH! I have this same problem!!! A classmate of ds' is also a client of dh's, and ds and his little friend kept talking about them having a playdate. The mom called me and suggested she bring the little girl over, and I said, "great, I'll put on a pot of tea and we can visit" and the mom said "no thanks, I'll just drop her off and go run some errands". It suddenly felt like I was a free babysitter. :hunh I told dh that in the future, the mom needs to be present... I don't even know these people other than that ds goes to school with the girl, and they are hair clients of dh. So weird...

[SouthPaw]

I think it's really weird in the situation April mentioned. If it is two women who are already friends, you know the other will reciprocate, and you know how their household runs & their parenting style. Just saying "here, take my kid for three hours" to a stranger is weird to me.

Also, I guess starting around age 6 or 7+ I would have been weirded out that my mom felt the need to sit there the whole time I was playing with a friend. I mean, it could be several hours in the afternoon after school. She had stuff to do, making dinner, etc. So I think there is a point age-wise where it becomes kind of expected for the kids to go from house to house, especially in the neighborhood vs being dropped off, without mom tagging along.

[April G]

TOTALLY different if you already know the parents well, and I'd be okay with doing a playdate exchange, but I had never met the mom in person, and I would never allow my son to go to a stranger's house without me there to check out the home, get to know the parents, etc... I know some moms consider me overprotective, but I think it's just common sense. :shrug

[Cherish]

To me, it does not matter what the norm is, if you prefer having the moms stay, then state that. "Why don't you and little Julie come over this afternoon?" and if you get the answer of "no thanks, I'll just drop Julie off," I'd respond immediately with, "Oh I'm so sorry the two of you can't make it. We'll invite you and Julie over another day to play. I think I'll take my dd out for some shopping this afternoon instead, since you're busy."
I'd be polite, but clear. :) If they don't understand or want a reason, just tell that that you're not feeling up to being the only adult on hand for the playdate, and that you're very happy to have them both, and look forward to a time when you can all enjoy each other's company. :)

[Aerynne]

Yeah, I think I just need to be more clear when I invite people over. I'm used to just assuming the parents will come, too, but I guess I just need to be explicit.

I do think there will be a point age-wise where it's expected that just the kids come, but was hoping it wasn't yet.

Our homeschool friends are more likely to have moms stay, too, for some reason.