The word "obey"

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

Why does it grate on my nerves so much?

Both my SIL's use it with their kids... I guess it isn't much different than "you need to listen to Mommy" or whatever... but I hate when they'll say "Emily! Obey!". Seems so... dog-like? I donno...

What do you guys think? Isabella isn't really to that age yet but how do you get your point across that your child needs to be listening to you?

[saturnfire16]

That phrase sounds totally like a command to a dog. :sick

The thing is, you can't force someone to obey, you can only make them comply.

I try to work *with* my dd on things so that we are both getting our needs/wants met. This eliminates most of the "you need to listen" type scenarios. If it's really a matter of safety or respect and I need her to comply, I will get down on her level, speak firmly and tell her what I need her to do. I don't need to tell her to listen.


OT- I just noticed you live in Portland. We should get together sometime! :)

[Leen]

It really grates on my nerves, too. I hate the whole "talking to a kid like you would a dog" thing. :sick

Saturnfire, the part I bolded is such a wise statement. If we still had "random quotes from wise mamas" I'd say it should be one.

I definitely approach things from a working together standpoint, too. And if I need her to do something immediately, it's usually for her own safety (like not running into the street, etc) I am usually close enough to grab her and keep her from doing it while I'm telling her no. Now that's she's getting older, I tend to expect too much from her in terms of "obeying" when I give her a verbal request. She's still little, at two, and there's still a *lot* of GOYB parenting that has to happen.

The thing is, you can't force someone to obey, you can only make them comply.

I try to work *with* my dd on things so that we are both getting our needs/wants met. This eliminates most of the "you need to listen" type scenarios. If it's really a matter of safety or respect and I need her to comply, I will get down on her level, speak firmly and tell her what I need her to do. I don't need to tell her to listen.

OT- I just noticed you live in Portland. We should get together sometime! :)

Adding my OT note, too...DH and I grew up in PDX and our families are still there. :)

[Englishgirl]

Yeah it really grates me too. I guess it's an attempt at teaching children to 'obey your parents' as in the 10 commandments but it seems like people think that just repeating 'obey' over and over is going to do that. There's definately better ways to teach this IMO.

[~yogamom~]

i can't stand it either. IME, it is a signal to me that this parent spanks-- i see the two often go hand in hand.

[doubleblessings]

I think it can be used in an icky way. I have seen that for sure, and I used to cringe at the word. However, I have decided that I am ok with using it now. I do want my children to learn to obey. :shrug3

[TuneMyHeart]

I think it's just one of those words that you hear more often from punitive parents. Reminds me of "naughty" - I hate that word for some reason.

[Aerynne]

I used to hate it. Now I use it. :shifty But I don't shout at my kids to obey or use obey as a one-word command. It's more of a conversational thing, especially when we're backing up the other parent "Papa asked you to get underwear on. You need to be obedient." Also we are open to a bit of discussion ("but I was just going to go potty." "Oh, okay, go potty then.")

[jenn3514]

I think it's just one of those words that you hear more often from punitive parents. Reminds me of "naughty" - I hate that word for some reason.

That's what bothers me about it also- it's the associations it brings up.

[mommy2abigail]

I agree that now it has lots of negative associations. However, the word itself doesn't bother me, when used with it's true definition. Obeying is a CHOICE. And a true choice requires thorough understanding of the situation, the desires of God/other people, and the consequences of each choice. So, with that in mind, yes, I do want my child to choose to obey God, and in turn dh and I because she will know that we have been trusted with her and are doing things for her best interest. That is why obedience doesn't make sense when you are talking about a toddler, they can't possibly make that choice because they can't possibly understand all you are trying to tell them. In that case, as the parent, it's your job to set them up for success so that they really don't have the option NOT to obey. (does that make ANY sense? I've had a rough weekend with no sleep so...:yawn) A toddler can not choose to NOT obey, because they are not acting from an understanding, informed place. Maybe an example will help. A toddler who runs in the street after being told not to, is not disobeying because to disobey would mean that they understood the implications of running in the street, as well as the parents desire to keep them safe. They can not grasp that. They are just running on impulse and because it gets a BIG reaction, and gives them the power to make BIG reaction happen. They can COMPLY out of fear, or desiring to please their parents or whatever other motivation, OR the parents can control the situation by preventing the child from running in the street in the first place (hold hands, stroller, hold the child, ect) Hope that makes sense.

[saturnfire16]

It really grates on my nerves, too. I hate the whole "talking to a kid like you would a dog" thing. :sick

Saturnfire, the part I bolded is such a wise statement. If we still had "random quotes from wise mamas" I'd say it should be one.




I don't get the credit though. Crystal and other wise mamas here helped me grasp that concept. :)

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

OT- I just noticed you live in Portland. We should get together sometime! :)

I'd love that!!!

---------- Post added at 05:11 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:10 PM ----------

It really grates on my nerves, too. I hate the whole "talking to a kid like you would a dog" thing. :sick

Saturnfire, the part I bolded is such a wise statement. If we still had "random quotes from wise mamas" I'd say it should be one.

I definitely approach things from a working together standpoint, too. And if I need her to do something immediately, it's usually for her own safety (like not running into the street, etc) I am usually close enough to grab her and keep her from doing it while I'm telling her no. Now that's she's getting older, I tend to expect too much from her in terms of "obeying" when I give her a verbal request. She's still little, at two, and there's still a *lot* of GOYB parenting that has to happen.



Adding my OT note, too...DH and I grew up in PDX and our families are still there. :)

What is GOYB parenting?

---------- Post added at 05:13 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:11 PM ----------

i can't stand it either. IME, it is a signal to me that this parent spanks-- i see the two often go hand in hand.

Definitely big spankers in DH's family.

I was with my SIL the other day and she told me how my neice got 6 spankings the other day for now staying in her bed during naptime....

I was like :what I told my DH and he said something along the lines of "sounds like spanking is working out real well for them".... but they're all also CIO pushers, wean before 1st bday etc.

[Leen]

What is GOYB parenting?


Get Off Your Butt. ;)

[brandi]

i use it. I want and expect DS1 to obey, but I also know reality. He's 3. Does he understand obedience? No. But will he eventually? Yes. Obedience is transitional and dynamic. I want him to be exposed to the concept now, so it wont be so foriegn in the future.

I understand why some people avoid that word, but it doesn't bother me.

[kimberjeb]

Get Off Your Butt. ;)

Oh my goodness, I LOVE this!

[klpmommy]

If you are unfamiliar with GOYB.

http://goybparenting.com/

I use it and playful parenting as my main tools.

I will use the word obey with my big kids. :shrug But not as a one word barked command. It is a part of a conversation that we sometimes have.

[allisonintx]

I use the word, freely.

It is a word. It is morally neutral and obedience to the Word and to the Lord is something to which I aspire. :yes

Using that word, is one that helps open doors with punitive families, when talking about discipline. They think that Gentle Discipline = Disobedient Children and that is just not true. Turning their verbiage around on them is one of the most satisfying things to do in a parenting discussion.

[Ms_Dahl]

Hmm, it's not so much the word as it is the tone and/or the perception of the word. I agree with what Allisonintx said about it just being a word. It is what surrounds that word that makes it either a negative or a positive association for a particular person.

I strive to be non-punitive in my parenting and I use the word. I also demonstrate to my child how I must be obedient too. I point out that I obey the traffic laws and I obey God's laws, etc etc.

[Chaos Coordinator]

i agree that it bothers me when children are treated like dogs - my mom has a super bad habit of barking out commands to my son, i tell her every time that it's inappropriate. i also dont like when people teach their babies "tricks" as i call it. i mean they are cute and all but for the most part, kids learn to wave when they are ready - not when you sit them down and teach it to them by repetition and rewards. that's how i taught my dog to shake hands. seriously.

but the word "listen" can be misused as well. i tell my husband i need him to listen to me - he interprets this as me telling him i need him to obey me, because it's often misused in that way. "Listen to your mama" when you really mean "Do what your mama says." you can fully listen to what someone has to say and then disregard it. listening and obeying are different things, and both words can be misused or used punitively. fwiw, so can "no."

i have yet to use the word obey, ftr. when working with the sunday school kids, i am more apt to explain to them why i need them to do something in hopes that they will understand and agree. i appeal to their humanity. it is a common thing in my classroom to hear me say something along the lines of "Let's all be good neighbors and good friends and help eachother clean up all these toys." it's not an issue of being obedient. to me, obedience conveys the message of - i'm telling you what's going to happen, and you're going to do it. what's more important IMO when teaching children life skills is this - if you dont understand it, ask questions until you do. this is how i came to Christianity, this is how i came to love God and build a personal relationship with Him - the "obedience" follows suit.