Adapt to child or child adapts to family?

[Raspberries]

How do you view children entering the family? Do you think the family is the one that needs to do the adapting, or do you think it is the new child (newborn, or older) who needs to adapt to the family dynamic? I keep seeing extremes of the two out in the world at large. There seems to be people killing themselves to have either extreme - either totally adapting to the child to the detriment of the family as a whole, or expecting way too much of out of the child in an effort to keep things "as is" or "teach" the child something.

[Aerynne]

Mostly I think the child adapts to the family as long as the family has reasonable expectations for what is developmentally appropriate for a newborn (and in our society, this is not as much of a given as it should be). But kids become accustomed to the family's general schedule (gradually), the family's diet, habits of hygiene and cleanliness, culture of how affection is expressed, etc. I think kids are very shaped by their families.

I, too, have seen some extremes at both ends.

One way I insist our kids adapt to our family is that once they outgrow naps, they have quiet play time in their room after lunch for awhile each day. That is my sanity time and I need it, and because it's non-negotiable, the kids adapt to it pretty well. I'm happy to ease them into it gently, but it does happen.

Also as our kids get older they realize our family is different in a lot of ways. We require church attendance and modest dress for one. We also don't allow tv or electronic toys. And since they weren't born expecting any different, it's usually fine, but they do have to learn that that is how we do things in our family.

[Waterlogged]

I think there's some give and take involved on both ends. Certainly my DH and I have adjusted our lives (heck, I even quit my job). We do try to respect naptimes and keep a consistent routine and rhythm to DD's life. We try not to overstress her with too much stimulation....

However, there are times when she has to go with our flow. One big example right now is church. We go to a church with only one service, and it is generally during naptime. And DH and I serve in various capacities so she comes to church early, naps in the stroller or skips a nap, and gets to play with other adults as needed.

Likewise we host at least one moderately-sized gathering a week. Right now we're hosting our community group on Tuesdays, AND a parenting class on Saturdays. Tonight we had 14 adults, 2 babysitters and 11 kids at our house...it might not have been Katherine's first choice of ways to spend her Saturday night, but she did pretty well.

Our friends IRL with more than 1 kid say that each subsequent baby is mellower than the first...:shrug3

Interesting question!

[RubySlippers]

I think it's both. :shrug3
The parents and children adapt and learn to come to a new normal.

[cro]

I think it's a little bit of both. From my experience at least, it seems that the family adapts more when the first child enters. The second child brings more give and take. Any children after that just seem to work their way into the existing family dynamic.

[allisonintx]

ITA, I think that families stretch to accommodate one another :yes

[Heather Micaela]

ITA, I think that families stretch to accommodate one another :yes
:yes
How I raised my first baby and how I am raising this one and the one to come look totaly different though with core similarities. And how my oldest is at every age and his circumstances looks very differnt than the children that come after him.

[Kiara.I]

Both. (especially with the first?)

Subsequent babies, the parents have already adapted to the whole "needs of a little one" concept, so it's less of a shock the second time, in some ways. If you assume the parents have that part down, then it's a matter of checking that this child's needs are being met (because they won't be carbon copies of the first child) and then the child adapts into the family as well, as they grow.

And of course, adapting continues all through life. A sleepy newborn who can be taken anywhere becomes a toddler who can't nap except at home in bed, who becomes a preschooler who...(dunno, we're not there yet) and a school-age kid who... and then a teenager who hates your music, and then, and then, and then. It all requires adaptation on all sides.

[Codi]

I think it goes both ways as well. Of coarse we adapt to the infant more than a toddler or older child. I think as the child and their understanding of things grows, they can learn to adapt more to the families needs.

[bananacake]

ITA, I think that families stretch to accommodate one another :yes

:yes Making/forcing the baby to adapt to the family is a very Ezzo/Babywise idea. I've found it would have sort of worked with DS2 if we had pushed it, and would never, ever have worked at all without much pain & crying with HN's DS1.

[mamacat]

In our experience,with each new family member it has been a little bit of both blended together that eventually makes up the new norm.