Wisdom please on how to handle expressing my parenting views

[boobymummy]

I feel like I am always stepping on toes with my parenting views. I don't know if it is because I have been hurt I am on the defensive and that maybe comes across as OFFensive to people with different views...

For instance, a friend offered me some advice to help my marital relationship and parenting. I asked her input as I thought she could understand where I was coming from as I knew she naturally spaced her children (and presumed she co slept) and I presumed as she had suffered HG in pregnancy (horrific nausea and vomiting) 8 times, she would understand how this has affected my desire to have sex.

Her advice was that my husband has legitimate sexual needs and we should have sex often and if my husband wants DS in a cot, I should do so.

She suggested the book 'Shepherding your childs heart' and some other one I have heard of 'incredible wife, exemplary husband' or somethingorather.

She also said that unless my husband is hitting our child with a coathanger or something then I should submit to him.

I wrote back and said thanks but most of the problems we have in our marriage are from Christians who have interfered, co sleeping is really not the problem and asher now sleeps beside our bed. I said "Ohhhh is that the book that advises about how a shepherd would break the sheep's legs?" and i said that is not true. It says in proverbs "A righteous man considers the life of his animal, but even the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel"

This was her main beef with me (get the pun) as she is a farmer. She thought I was completely ignorant and prideful and that it is done for the wellbeing of the animal. She said their legs aren't broken, its called 'hobbling' and it makes them unable to walk far, and described a coyote killing her pregnant sheep in labor and she wished she had 'hobbled' her. And she said that book is actually really full of grace and it says you dont have to hit to use the methods.

Aside from the fact that I question whether ancient shepherds used hobbling, I just wonder, AM i prideful? I am just a mum of one. And my marriage is getting through a tough time. We do not have everything perfect (although it looks that way from the outside). Maybe I just need to shut my mouth sometimes. Maybe the internet makes me bold, where I would not be to one's face?

Please give me some wisdom...

I might add, where do I draw the line with biblical parenting methods? So they did this thousands of years ago and it makes sense to me, but how do I have grace with others who just cruise and do 'whatever works' with parenting or on the other hand have strong beliefs that they believe are bible based? What does God REALLY care about. At what line to I draw my parenting beliefs, versus our marriage relationship? It wasn't so long ago women were submitting to their husbands desire for wives to bottle feed for morality's sake or for their sexual exclusivity. Where I ask you? Where do I draw the line? What really matters?? xo

[NovelMama]

You aren't obligated to defend or justify your parenting to anyone. If you aren't comfortable engaging in those discussions, then just bean dip. (There's a whole sticky somewhere on "bean dipping"--can't remember where it is though. Hopefully someone else will post it! Essentially, it's just changing the subject when it comes up in conversation with people you'd rather not talk to about it.)

If it weren't 4am and I wasn't exhausted, I'd be able to give you some rebuttals...but right now I can't. I'm sorry. :hug Hopefully someone will come along soon and give you some great advice!

[HomeyT]

Wow, not sure that I have any wisdom, but I do empathize with you. I don't have friends or family who use scripture to tell me how to parent. But I have come head to head with family over my parenting choices. I always state that my parenting is intentional, nothing (mostly) is done with intention, after thorough thought and research. With the kids best interest at heart.

As for the whole maiming the animal. My pastor says it's totally out of context, doesn't it also say not to exasperate our children? also, he said there's a verse that talks about hitting a fool with a rod, he said we don't do that anymore (which would mean each of us getting a good wacking each sunday), so why would we as parents believe we should take that certain verse and hit our children? Modern Christianity is full of these double standards. Women can't speak in church still...but men are now allowable to share their faces! But that discussion could open a HUGE can of worms with your friend.

If she were my friend, we'd have to agree to disagree.

As for you and your hubby. Sounds like things are tough. We are on kiddo #2 and things are like a roller coaster. We haven't had a bed to ourself in over 3 years. And truly, I don't feel all that in the mood having little ones nursing, and crawling over me all day. My DH has been compassionate. But I know his preference ;) But things are changing....and we are doing all we can to keep the communication open as to not put up walls and resentment.

Is DH onboard for your parenting choices? This could make things really difficult. My DH is onboard and we still struggle.

I honour you for valuing your children so much. They are worth it! They derserve love and gentleness and compassion daily.

[Kiara.I]

Once you find out that her advice won't match your parenting beliefs, just bean dip. Don't engage about the book unless you are feeling ready for a debate.

How about,
"Thank you so much for caring about us as a family. I appreciate the time you took to send me your thoughts."

---------- Post added at 09:24 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:14 AM ----------

Aside from the fact that I question whether ancient shepherds used hobbling, I just wonder, AM i prideful? I am just a mum of one. And my marriage is getting through a tough time. We do not have everything perfect (although it looks that way from the outside). Maybe I just need to shut my mouth sometimes. Maybe the internet makes me bold, where I would not be to one's face?

Please give me some wisdom...

I might add, where do I draw the line with biblical parenting methods? So they did this thousands of years ago and it makes sense to me, but how do I have grace with others who just cruise and do 'whatever works' with parenting or on the other hand have strong beliefs that they believe are bible based? What does God REALLY care about. At what line to I draw my parenting beliefs, versus our marriage relationship? It wasn't so long ago women were submitting to their husbands desire for wives to bottle feed for morality's sake or for their sexual exclusivity. Where I ask you? Where do I draw the line? What really matters?? xo

You have made decisions about how it is best to raise your son. You did so based on research that you did, and based on the mommy instincts God gave you. Believing in your own conclusions is not pride!

Because other people have made other decisions in their own families, it does not mean yours are wrong. Maybe some of their decisions are right for their families but not for yours. Maybe they looked at other research than you did. Who knows? But God also gave you a hooey-detector, and when that goes off about advice you're getting, bean dip!

And about "biblical parenting methods". Well, it depends what you're looking at. But a number of the histories in the Old Testament are just that: histories. They're not recommendations! In fact, sometimes they're cautionary tales! I don't think most people would recommend that you entice one son to lie to his father and steal his brother's worldly (and spiritual!) goods, but it's in the bible, so technically it's biblical parenting.

James 1:5-6 says:
5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

GOD will give you wisdom to parent your son, as you ask for it. But then trust the wisdom he gives you. :hug2

[katiekind]

The Tripp book DOES have a lot of grace in it. Part of what is so frustrating is that he gets it....but he has a blind spot or something.

But yes, basically you don't need to discuss or justify your parenting choices to someone who doesn't understand.

Having said that, it can be too easy to write off voices of experience because of immature criteria that we hold because we are immature. I remember feeling like I could not have a Titus 2 relationship with the older women in my church since they didn't breastfeed and didn't homeschool and some of them worked. Well it's true that at the surface level we probably would have to get past some of those differences.

But if you can get past particular choices and have a heart-to-heart with a wise older mother and say, "what has God REALLY taught you about parenting that you would like to pass on to a younger, newer mother," in my experience they say things like, "don't neglect your marriage." "Remember that each child is different - don't compare them and don't make the mistake of thinking that all your children need the same treatment." "Remember that children spell love T.I.M.E." "Remember that husbands thrive on respect and appreciation."

So yes, we can learn from more experienced parents....seek the principle, and apply it in ways that work in your own family.

[Thankfulforgrace]

:hug2

I've gotten very selective on who I talk about with my parenting unless I'm feeling up to the debate. If I'm feeling vulnerable, it's only my close IRL crunchy, gentle AP friends or it's coming here.

And on Sheparding A Child's Heart, I thought some of the sections on communication had some good advice. Too bad all the other absolute horrible stuff outweighs them... :sick Setting your 9 month old up for something he cannot developmentally do (no touch some interesting object) so you can spank to teach him a lesson is the opposite of grace, yuck.

I don't know how to answer what really matters and how to balance marriage and kids (still working on that!!) but for some reason I just keep wanting to mention the book, Families Where Grace is in Place. It's an excellent read on marriage and kiddos...


HTH some

[Johns_Gal]

Yes, just a "thank you for your input" and move on.

It's hard not having anyone who gets it IRL. :hug I hope this rough time passes quickly for your family.

I'm a bit jaded now, when somebody starts spouting a bunch of nonsense like that I tend to think "Huh. Well, let's add you to the list of people to never let out of eyesight with DS." :shifty That list is extensive these days and I'm truly not that outrageous with my wishes.

[Waterlogged]

I might add, where do I draw the line with biblical parenting methods? So they did this thousands of years ago and it makes sense to me, but how do I have grace with others who just cruise and do 'whatever works' with parenting or on the other hand have strong beliefs that they believe are bible based? What does God REALLY care about.

I think God cares about relationships - His relationship with us, our relationships with our husbands and children, and our relationships with others. You have chosen to prioritize the relationship with your children by choosing AP. I think God would care about your heart for all the other relationships in your life...marital, friend, etc. And in the same way we gently guide our children with our discipline, we can only gently guide others. In the same way that we sacrifice our bodies and sense of personal space for our kids, we sometimes have to sacrifice our bodies and personal space in order to prioritize our relationships with our husbands.

AFA defending your parenting choices, or trying to convince someone you're right - I think it might come across as adversarial and ungraceful. In those moments you may need to rely on the Holy Spirit to provide the right words...