Is AP working?

[BlueWaterAnnie]

I hope this doesn't come across as a dumb question :blush but....how can you tell if your LO is securely attached to you (and dh)?

What are the signs that a baby exhibits when they know/feel securely loved?

My dd just turned 10 months old and she's all about exploring: climbing, crawling, cruising, jumping, going under and over things. She's not as cuddly as before, she only wants to be held and smooched on on her terms. Sometimes she'll take a break from her exploring, come back to me, snuggle in for a few seconds and then head back out.

But....seriously, as a first time AP'er.....what traits does a secure AP baby have?

[crunchymum]

sounds like she's exhibiting excellent signs of an attached baby! :rockon

all the things she's doing show that she is attached, curious, and feels safe to "go out" and explore the world. :heart in general, i think if a baby acts very clingy and insecure, that can be not a good sign. if she doesn't make eye contact, or doesn't smile much, or seems uninterested with the world around her, i think that *can* signal an attachment problem. i'm sure others who are more experienced will pipe in. :)

[KarenBoo]

This is a very interesting question, and one I have actually not pondered. But I think the answer is that there really isn't a "list."

I have 2 children that could not be more opposite. DD1 is highly sensitive, and as a baby, could not be apart from me *at all.* She's 6.5 now, and still isn't too keen on being apart from me, but she does like to go to Sunday School now! :giggle She also wasn't a cuddly baby, but she is a very cuddly little girl. I stopped babywearing her when she was about 18 months old. She simply refused and would rather be running around.

My DD2 is highly social, and will go to just about anybody. She plays by herself, loves attention from other kids/adults of all ages, goes to the church nursery, and doesn't mind wandering away from me. She also is much more cuddly and likes to sit in my lap a lot more than DD1. I still babywear DD2 on my back, and she is just now starting to protest it.

They both nursed a lot and for a long time. They both sleep in our bed, and probably wouldn't be happy sleeping anywhere else, and we are happy with them in our bed too.:D

We started AP (cosleeping, babywearing, nursing whenever she wanted) when DD1 was 2 months old.

I think an interesting twist on your question is also to think about what attached parents look like. I think that my attitude and how I parent changed so dramatically when we started AP (and for the better!) I am much more in tune with my children than I think I otherwise would have been. I do not have an adversarial relationship with them. They do not fear being punished.

[Codi]

:cup While I gather my thoughts.

[J3K]

subbing while I find a thread that's relevant...

---------- Post added at 05:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:34 PM ----------

subbing while I find a thread that's relevant...

Found it...It was in a thread called something like "should I let someone else hold her"

We made ourselves available to our second child as much as she wanted us. Whenever she wanted us. We were told we were creating a clingy child. A "momma's girl" or a "daddy's girl". I would retort "There is nothing wrong in fostering a strong bond with my very own child." If she wanted us at 6 months , she got us. If she was fussy in the church nursery she was to be brought to me. If at seven years old she was suddenly uncomfortable in Sunday school , we were to be found and reunited with her immediately.
We've been in the same church since she wasn't quite one year old. I got plenty of "complaints" that she wouldn't let anyone hold her but mom and dad.
She's now a boisterous , outgoing , fifteen year old who flits from one social circle to the other. She doesn't know a stranger.

We didn't create a clingy , whiny , brat of a teenager. We fostered a healthy bond with her primary caregivers (me and dh) and have created a child who is secure in the knowledge that her parents are always available to her. Even now.

The child we allowed to be passed around , despite how we felt about it , is now a seventeen year old who still looks for his parents in a place where he's uncomfortable.

For US...the results are clear.

That was my story...

[BlueWaterAnnie]

My DD2 is highly social, and will go to just about anybody. She plays by herself, loves attention from other kids/adults of all ages, goes to the church nursery, and doesn't mind wandering away from me. She also is much more cuddly and likes to sit in my lap a lot more than DD1. I still babywear DD2 on my back, and she is just now starting to protest it.

My dd is the EXACT same way. She thrives on social attention, still will "go to anybody", goes to church nursery and doesn't look back at me, etc. That is part of why I asked this question, wondering, "do I matter more to her than other people?" I have to relax and realize that is her personality. I see many other babies her age at playdates etc. who are clingy and whiny with their moms. They say its "separation anxiety" and I was wondering why my dd didn't have that. I'm glad she doesn't!

I think an interesting twist on your question is also to think about what attached parents look like. I think that my attitude and how I parent changed so dramatically when we started AP (and for the better!) I am much more in tune with my children than I think I otherwise would have been. I do not have an adversarial relationship with them. They do not fear being punished.

Great question! What do AP mommies and daddies look like, act like, respond like? What are hoping to communicate to our LOs and the world?

[KarenBoo]

Yes, that's why I posted my stories on my 2 girls. Both were strongly AP'd, and both have very different personalities. I don't think that one can say "well she's clingy, and must not be attached." And I don't think one can say "well, she goes to anybody, so she must not be attached." :shrug3 I had one of each.

I remember when DD2 was an infant, and she didn't mind it when I had to put her down for this or that (cooking or shower, etc.) I remember wondering out loud to my friend if she was "attached" because I was used to my first baby not letting me put her down at all. And my friend said "well, she's so attached that she's comfortable with you putting her down." And I was like :scratch because she was only a few weeks old at the time. :giggle

I think my children are attached because I AP them, and that's why I put it out there: "what does an AP parent look like?"

[Dana Joy]

Children who attached securely to their parents have been around long before the term AP.
Bowlby coined the term secure attachment and did research on attachment. So there is an actual definition of what it means to be securely attached. BUT a child who is not securely attached is not a sign that the parents aren't doing "AP" right, just like a securely attached child does not mean the parents are "AP." What are the signs that a baby exhibits when they know/feel securely loved?

During the second phase (two to six months), the infant increasingly discriminates between familiar and unfamiliar adults, becoming more responsive towards the caregiver; following and clinging are added to the range of behaviours. Clear-cut attachment develops in the third phase, between the ages of six months and two years. The infant's behaviour towards the caregiver becomes organised on a goal-directed basis to achieve the conditions that make it feel secure.[18] (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/newreply.php?do=newreply&noquote=1&p=2845855#cite_note-Prior_and_Glaser_p._19-17) By the end of the first year the infant is able to display a range of attachment behaviours designed to maintain proximity. These manifest as protesting the caregiver's departure, greeting the caregiver's return, clinging when frightened and following when able.[19] (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/newreply.php?do=newreply&noquote=1&p=2845855#cite_note-18) With the development of locomotion, the infant begins to use the caregiver or caregivers as a safe base from which to explore.[18] (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/newreply.php?do=newreply&noquote=1&p=2845855#cite_note-Prior_and_Glaser_p._19-17) Infant exploration is greater when the caregiver is present because the infant's attachment system is relaxed and it is free to explore. If the caregiver is inaccessible or unresponsive, attachment behaviour is more strongly exhibited.[20] (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/newreply.php?do=newreply&noquote=1&p=2845855#cite_note-ainsworth_67-19) Anxiety, fear, illness and fatigue will cause a child to increase attachment behaviours.[21] (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/community/newreply.php?do=newreply&noquote=1&p=2845855#cite_note-20)

what traits does a secure AP baby have?
Same as a secure non-AP baby- see above.

I think my children are attached because I AP them, and that's why I put it out there: "what does an AP parent look like?"

The answer is different at every age and for every mother, there are very few absolutes. :shrug3