Is there a time when daddys shouldn't be sleeping with daughters?

[HummusDip]

If so, when?

My dh and dd are big cuddlers. Ds and myself are not and ds sleeps very lightly so having anyone else in our bed right now is disastrous because he gets woken up every half hour and then wants to nurse. Dd and dh have been sleeping in her room and in her bed for over a year now. Works out great. But dh is wondering if there is a time where he should move up to her top bunk or something? He's comfortable with it and so is she. But he's concerned because dd will say in public, in front of people, things like "I love sleeping with my daddy because he scratches my back and touches my leg at night". We got a weird look from someone and other people have told me she's said similar things. Its true, she wants to be cuddled so dh grabs onto her leg and just holds it at night and she loves it! And he scratches her back when she falls asleep. But if she were in public school and told a teacher that, they'd probably have to "investigate" that or something, right? So that's his concern, is it ok for him to be sleeping with her and how do you deal with situations like what we are? I want my kids, despite their gender, to feel comfortable sleeping with my dh or I at any age!!:shrug3

[NovelMama]

Good question; I've wondered the same thing. AJ LOVES her daddy, and he's so good with them. AJ also LOVES cosleeping, and I don't see her stopping any time soon.

[HummusDip]

Yeah my dh and dd are each others best friends. :giggle She's a daddys girl and I just don't see her being ok with him leaving her at night anytime soon. We were thinking maybe her 5th birthday but then I keep going WAIT, why do we have to put an age on it? Why do we have to make her innocent mind aware of corruption and why we need to be cautious? Why can't my kids just always sleep with their parents?

So much to think about...

[Mum2Es]

It's so sad that this is something we have to think about. :( DH likes to sleep naked and I feel a bit uncomfortable with that when either of our DDs come into our bed.

Surely you don't have to stop at 5? It's still so young - she's still a baby. was thinking maybe 7? and she might want her bed to herself before then anyway. :shrug3

[Abibigail]

I don't know that I would have him stop csing with her. :shrug3 If she loves it and he loves it, I think it's fine. However, I think it might be a good idea to talk to her about not discussing it with other people.

[NewLeaf]

I tend to think as long as both parties are comfortable then leave it be. With our society the way it is your daughter will probably naturally 'wean herself' from sleeping with dh when it becomes 'awkward' as far as society sees.

I could see a toddler saying something like that even if they weren't sleeping together. Maybe a dad lays down to help the child go to sleep and so forth. Without any other evidence or issues CPS probably isn't going to get involved.

I know it feels uncomfortable wondering what others are thinking but how you react to what she says greatly colors the situation. :)

[newday]

I don't know that I would have him stop csing with her. :shrug3 If she loves it and he loves it, I think it's fine. However, I think it might be a good idea to talk to her about not discussing it with other people.

yep. that would fall under the category of "family talk" in our book. our sleeping arrangements are private family stuff :)

[Rabbit]

There are two separate issues here.

1 - When is it not okay for Daddies to cuddle their daughters?

2 - How far can we go before we risk CPS investigation?

For 1, yeah, she'll naturally wean off the cuddles. For so long as Daddy is a safe, ethical, and respectful husband and father, I would have no concerns.

For 2, you're already there. People have already mentioned that her talk about it at her age is making them uncomfortable. Telling her "this is private family business" could make it worse, not better. "Your baby brother wets the bed" is private family business. "Daddy sleeps with me" can't be.

If you're ready to change the arrangements, Daddy can still put her to bed, and move out of her bed after she's asleep.

[mollobe]

:think Wow, this is a tough one that I've never thought of. I was going to say something like this, too:

However, I think it might be a good idea to talk to her about not discussing it with other people.

but then I realized that might look even worse if she were ever asked questions or investigated or something. :-/

[saturnfire16]

There are two separate issues here.

1 - When is it not okay for Daddies to cuddle their daughters?

2 - How far can we go before we risk CPS investigation?

For 1, yeah, she'll naturally wean off the cuddles. For so long as Daddy is a safe, ethical, and respectful husband and father, I would have no concerns.

For 2, you're already there. People have already mentioned that her talk about it at her age is making them uncomfortable. Telling her "this is private family business" could make it worse, not better. "Your baby brother wets the bed" is private family business. "Daddy sleeps with me" can't be.

If you're ready to change the arrangements, Daddy can still put her to bed, and move out of her bed after she's asleep.

This is what I was thinking too. She could end up saying, "my mommy says I'm not supposed to tell anyone that daddy touches my legs at night when he sleeps with me." That would sound WAY worse.

[kwisie]

Perhaps he should move to holding her hand while she falls asleep instead of holding her leg. You can hold hands at any age. :)

[HummusDip]

I was thinking that telling her sleeping arrangements are private might make things worse too. She tends to tell everyone things that we say are private.

It's not that I think others feel uncomfortable by it, it's just that she'll be with someone and they'll mention it in a way that they were laughing. Its just me who realizes, "oh, she's telling people that. hmmm".

I wouldn't say my dh is very healthy towards me on a regular basis, no. But I don't know why that would mean I'd have to stop their co-sleeping. :think

They both enjoy it and it works out well for our family right now...when ds is weaned, we do hope to have the two kids sleep together and dh will come back to my bed. But who knows when that will be...

I think having him hold her hand rather than leg is a great idea. I'll suggest that today.

Thanks for all the input! :)

[newday]

yeah, i suppose it makes a difference depending on what child you are talking about.
Family Talk applies to a lot of our life and my girls have always been respectful of it, and have learned to appreciate it.
otoh, if you don't already have an understanding then i can see how that could cause difficulties rather than avoid them...
:hug

[souporrfly]

Is your room big enough for you to put her mattress beside your bed? That way they could still co-sleep but you would all be in one room so she would be sleeping with her whole family. Your husband could begin the night scratching her back and then move to your bed once she is comfortable. Has he ever held her hand until she fell asleep?We did this up until my oldest turned 6 and now she and her sister sleep in their own room. Just a thought offered with respect to you and your family.:heart

[IslandMama]

My dd is 8 and still co-sleeps with me and dh...he scratches her back every night. I think it was about 5 yo when she started asking friends if they slept in their own bed. It was then she realized that most didn't, and she doesn't bring it up to just anyone anymore. She has over heard me talking to relatives and mention it, and got really embarrassed...We are fixing up her room now so she can sleep with her sister. My eldest dd weaned from our room at about 10. As long as it is a healthy situation you are comfortable with, I wouldn't be fearful of CPS and stop... I think the hand holding thing is a good idea as well as bringing a mattress into your room too! :heart

[Buela]

I would say 12, which is a long ways away, so don't worry about it.
And I also think that parents sleeping with children for all or part of the night is actually more common than we think it is -- people just don't talk about it :giggle

[ChristianTara]

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