"sorry we can't" season of life.

[ValiantJoy07]

I'm feeling kinda...not sure of a word for it, isolated? Odd one out?

We've been invited to two parties this month but we can't go.

The reason? We have our wedding anniversary AND birthdays this month and we're already asking my Mom two babys it two evenings this month...We're leaving BOTH girls so we can go out for a couple of hours- 5 minutes from the house so I can swing home and nurse dd2 if need be. We're leaving at supper time and coming home in time to put the girls to bed so my Mom doesn't have to deal with that.

We live with my Mom...EVERY ONE says "wow that must be great, built in babysitter.":-/ Not so much. I mean my Mom is amazing, she takes dd1 to play iwth for 15-20 minutes in the evening now and then when RJ needs a change of scenery...Mom snitches dd2 to enjoy and cuddle when I'm touched out. She does little things and they are a blessing.

But she also works 60-80 hours a week (she's a teacher at an understaffed, underfunded inner city school) between all her work hours and her grading and lesson plans AFTER the work day she doesn't have much left. DH and I feel really bad asking her to babysit for us (especially now that we have two), we only ask her to do it for really special ocassions...And some times on weekend afternoons if she's home we'd ask her to be on "fire watch" while dd1 napped and we'd sneak out for an hour date...Now since the girls rarely nap at the same time we take our dates with dd2 in tow, ore more often than not just stay home.

Going out isn't that big of a deal to us- it's a season of our life, right?

But I guess I'm feeling kind of pressured and misunderstood because every one surrounding us either doesn't have kids, has much older kids, or just leave their kids/babies with grandparents with out blinking.

It's just so hard to tell people we can't do __________ if we can't bring the girls, or if it's at bedtime...It's just not fun for any one and it's very stressful for the girls to have their bedtimes messed with (more so dd1 than dd2 at this point).

I guess I just needed to get that out and hear that we're not the only ones in a "sorry we can't" season of life. I feel it big time from people at church, we miss a lot of sundays because some one is sick, or I'm way too tired from a bad night, or DH and I just barely saw eachother all week and desperately need some special time HOME being a family.

But even apart from that, it would be really fun to go out and hang out with old friends for a few hours, but between bedtime and juggling two kids it just wouldn't be 1) fair to my Mom 2) fair to the kids 3) there is the chance of lots of fussiness on both girls part at being left behind- not worth it! They love their nana, she is almost as dear to them as Mommy and Daddy- but she' NOT Mommy or Daddy. kwim?

Sorry this is so long.

[Kiara.I]

:yes

My friend has a 14-month-old. I have a 10-month old and an almost 3. She lives a 1-hour drive from us. She just invited us to a Christmas party, and specified no kids at all.

Um. Yeah. Right. 'cause *that's* going to work for us. :-/ I'll just leave my breastfed 10-month-old with Grandma for 6 hours, 'cause that wouldn't be a problem at all...

[Codi]

I have no problems asking if it is a family event when invited to something. We don't even leave my ds (4) with anyone to go out to things so we only go to family friendly events. Period. :shrug Im fine with it because it IS a season and I will never get it back. I can party it up when my kids are older. ;) :giggle

[SamRose]

Ah yes, finding somebody who I TRUST and who WANTS to watch 2 preschoolers and a super energetic toddler is no easy task. We've been in the "miss things" season for a while, too. My mom is wonderful, and is really our only "sitter", altho Ive recently become ok w/ also leaving the youngest w/ the ILs if it's only 4 a few hrs. She is still nursing, and while she doesnt need to nurse every 3 hrs at 18 mons old, she does want her momma most of the time, and starts to get upset if Im gone more than a few hrs, nursing or not.

[StrangeTraveller]

Yeah, we are in that phase, too. It doesn't bother me too much, I guess, but sometimes it does look appealing to be able to just *do* things.

[mattattsmama]

Yep. It's a season and it is perfectly OK to do what works best for your family.

We live far away from family and didn't have ANY babysitters until about two years ago. Even now with our boys being 7 and 5, we still only go out for a few hours so our sitters don't have to do bedtime. I don't think I would even be able to enjoy being out late with DH because of wondering how DSs would be doing with bedtime and knowing they would be exhausted the next day anyway, KWIM?

I dream of the days when DH and I can go and spend a whole day together doing whatever we want, but then I realize when that day comes I will probably wish I had two fun, energetic boys to share the time with too. :yes

[HindsFeet]

I hear you. Only we've basically been in that phase for ten years now, and will be for at least 3-4 more, and that's if this is our last (which I hope it isn't). Even most of my AP minded friends are not very sympathetic anymore; they just give me that look that says "why don't you stop having kids already, so you can get on with your life?" :sa

I know that even 15-20 years is not that long in the grand scheme of my lifetime. You blink, and it's gone. When my dd was born this past spring, my oldest commented that when she was as old as he was now, he'd be out of the house. :jawdrop That was not a visual that I needed.

But still, in the moment, it is hard sometimes to have to miss out on some of the things we'd like to be able to do.

[swimming with sharks]

It's just a season. :hug Really we have SO Little time with our children being children that need our care, it's ok to spend that time now with them. I know everyone probably has heard my :O...I waited very late in life to have kids spiel. I did the career, holiday parties, jetting off on vacations, fancy stuff etc. One 'I luv you momma and a chocolaty hand patting my cheek' assures me that this is WAY more important than those other things. :happytears You'll have plenty of time as they get bigger to go out just you and dh, but right now God has assigned you a MUCH bigger task. :heart:heart :pray4 For anyone who doesn't understand it now, we need to pray that some day they will understand it and if they don't :shrug3 It's their loss.

[Sweet Life]

I hear you. Only we've basically been in that phase for ten years now, and will be for at least 3-4 more, and that's if this is our last (which I hope it isn't). Even most of my AP minded friends are not very sympathetic anymore; they just give me that look that says "why don't you stop having kids already, so you can get on with your life?" :sa


Not quite ten years here, but it has been a *long* season for us, too. The more we AP and the more kids we have, the more we see the need for our own boundaries and the less we care what other people think. :shrug3 We always decline politely; accepting that it's their responsibility to accept it gracefully, not ours.

[SamRose]

:think I consider myself AP, but I dont have a problem leaving my kids w/ grandparents (who they adore R so excited to see) for outings w/ just dh here and there. R U guys just saying in order to AP *your* children, that requires U never to leave them in anybody else's care?

[Sweet Life]

:think I consider myself AP, but I dont have a problem leaving my kids w/ grandparents (who they adore R so excited to see) for outings w/ just dh here and there. R U guys just saying in order to AP *your* children, that requires U never to leave them in anybody else's care?


that's not what i'm saying (but others might be). I guess I consider AP to be being cognizant of what is best for the kids needs (as well as the family).

In our case, we don't mind leaving our children with a trusted family member or sitter, but we won't do it night after night in December (which is what would happen if we said 'yes' to everything), or at times that conflict with other family needs/activities/ideals.

ETA: And if I have a (young) nursling, I generally don't leave them and will only bring them if the event is friendly to a nursing infant.

[SamRose]

In our case, we don't mind leaving our children with a trusted family member or sitter, but we won't do it night after night in December (which is what would happen if we said 'yes' to everything), or at times that conflict with other family needs/activities/ideals.

ETA: And if I have a (young) nursling, I generally don't leave them and will only bring them if the event is friendly to a nursing infant.
Ah ok, then I get that. That's pretty much me/us, too :yes

[illinoismommy]

This season is going to be longer for us than it is for my friends too. They are all done having kids and their youngest is 3 ish.....

But yeah, its a season.

I would totally use a babysitter, but we can only get one so often.... and the more kids you have the more difficult to secure one very often.

You could try going to your friends parties without DH and have him watch the kids... if he wouldn't mind.

[Soliloquy]

Yes, we've been in this season for almost 6 years now. :sigh Grandparents are not an option as babysitters for reasons I won't go into, at least not until the kids are much older. We've toyed w/ hiring a "stranger" but that doesn't feel right to me with them being so little.

People have honestly stopped asking us to go to things. :shrug

We try to socialize with other families--kids and all.

[TuneMyHeart]

yeah, we're in this season too, and people don't understand why we can't/don't leave our 3.5 year old at the drop of a hat with a babysitter. So we don't get invited much any more. :hug

[HindsFeet]

:think I consider myself AP, but I dont have a problem leaving my kids w/ grandparents (who they adore R so excited to see) for outings w/ just dh here and there. R U guys just saying in order to AP *your* children, that requires U never to leave them in anybody else's care?

No. But we don't have family nearby, and when they do come to town it's hard to say "hey, great to see you, here are my kids and we'll see you later!" :giggle The grandmas do watch them for us from time to time, but for the most part I have to save those times for special occasions.

As for friends - when we only had one or two, we didn't have many similarly minded friends. It took a while to find them. Now we do, but most of them have at least 2-3 of their own, and I always feel bad asking people to watch my five on top of theirs, kwim? Again - we do it sometimes, but it's not something I feel like we can do regularly.

[Sweet Life]

Yeah I agree it seems to become harder and harder o get out without kids the more children we have. Harder to find a sitter (or even family) who can handle all of them, and harder to ask a 'favor' of a friend.

ETA: Wouldn't it be cool if all lived close by. I never mind 4-5 extra kids for an evening. ;)

[Soliloquy]

ETA: Wouldn't it be cool if all lived close by. I never mind 4-5 extra kids for an evening. ;)


YES!! It's one of the 5,000 reasons I want to live in an intentional community. I am sick of being isolated.

[ValiantJoy07]

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERY ONE for your replies! :heart It made me feel a bit more normal. Pretty much all my IRL friends who have kids have NO problem leaving their littles (2 and under- even some 6mos and younger) for the WEEKEND and going off for a romantic weekend with their husbands.

I have no problem leaving our girls for an hour or two to be with DH but that's as long as I'm comfortable being away from dd2 (she's not quite 4mos) and though dd1 has shown she does okay with out us for several hours at a time as long as it's with Nana and she knows we can come home at any points she wants us to. :shrug3

Oh and even if the girls are welcome at these parties (which they are to the one) the party doesn't start untill their bedtime :no2 won't work for us, RJ is not pleasant if she's out past her bedtime.

[Codi]

We have left ds with my mom maybe 5 times ever. Never dd. My son never left my dh or I until he was a month shy of 3. She is THE only person I would leave him with for now.

For me it is part of being an attached mom, but not a requirement for anyone who is or wants to be AP. :no Just our personal choice. :)

[J3K]

For us , that season lasted a few years. Every so often we'd use a babysitter , or my parents..but for the most part the rule was "Wow , that sounds like fun. We have a rule though. If the kids can't come , we can't come. Mostly for babysitting reasons. Your party sounds like fun. I hope you have a good time. Let me know how it went."

And if the party started around the bedtime hour we gave another set answer. "Thanks for inviting us. Your party starts at the kids' bedtime so we won't be able to make it. Be sure to tell me all about it next time I see you."

And to any who questioned me or offered childcare services we didn't want to take we'd answer "Thank you for trying to help. This is the stay at home season of our life and from what I've heard it goes by very quickly. We're loving this stage of life. I'll turn around and the kids will be driving and dating. So staying home with them is never a hardship. We may miss a few parties and get togethers but that's okay."

If the offered/questioned a second time (as in they didn't accept my original answer) they were "bean dipped". I only had to get "rough" with one family. "It's obvious you don't agree with our attached parenting ideals and that's fine. I will not , however , be made to feel guilty about my choices. Do not talk to me about this topic again."

fwiw:
Our "stay at home" season felt like it lasted forever. But looking back as I type this...it was like a drop in the bucket. Just this weekend my youngest (12yrs) had a sleep over , my dd15 babysat for a lovely family , and my 17yo went to work with his dad. We ran in a thousand different directions and I'd give anything to sneak back in time and cherish those "stay at home / miss the party" moments. (although this stage of life is good too :) )

[Serafine]

I have no problems asking if it is a family event when invited to something. We don't even leave my ds (4) with anyone to go out to things so we only go to family friendly events. Period. :shrug Im fine with it because it IS a season and I will never get it back. I can party it up when my kids are older. ;) :giggle


That. Exactly.

[mwwr]

THANK YOU SO MUCH EVERY ONE for your replies! :heart It made me feel a bit more normal.

Well, maybe not *normal*, but normal is highly over-rated. :mrgreen

[MarynMunchkins]

I'm in this season. It's even more awkward now because I have people offering to give me breaks without understanding that I don't really need one. :doh

I don't mind leaving kids with friends or grandparents. I just have a very short list of things I consider worthy of doing alone. :)

[Stacy]

Pretty much all my IRL friends who have kids have NO problem leaving their littles (2 and under- even some 6mos and younger) for the WEEKEND and going off for a romantic weekend with their husbands.

I have no problem leaving our girls for an hour or two to be with DH but that's as long as I'm comfortable

I can totally echo this. :yes It's unreal to me that certain friends have so much freedom, but I know this is a choice that DH and I have made and "this too shall pass". I also will leave DD1 (3.5) for several hours at a time with DH and have even left her two or three times for up to six hours with her grandma, but those times are stressful for all of us! DD2 is way too little to be left and won't be for quite some time.

Anyway, a big :hug2 to you, OP. I missed five weddings in one year (the first year I had a child) and two the the next and two more after that. All were kid-free, and while I totally support that choice for the bride and groom, it was a huge disappointment to me!

[JenLovie]

I'm okay with turning down invitations or asking if they're kid-friendly. We don't have any family near us and we haven't left our son with anyone other than my mom (when she was visiting). We haven't had to miss too many things, but unless we can take Henry to DH's work Christmas party we won't be going (or at least I won't). I would love to meet DH's coworkers but there's no way I'm leaving Henry with complete strangers in the on-site child care.

[J3K]

Just recently my mother got back on her "you missed your brother's wedding" horse. I stated once again "That was at a time in our life when we weren't willing to leave the kids with strangers , our only option to attending , and T and J had every right to ask that their wedding be child free. When I told them that meant I couldn't come , they understood. I asked if they'd be willing to allow just my kids and they answered honestly that they'd rather not have ANY kids there. They wanted an all adult wedding. "
My mother said , "But in hindsight , don't you wish you'd left them with a qualified babysitter so you could attend ?"
My hubby said "We will never regret our decision to put our children first. Leaving them with people they've never met , when they were so young just wasn't an option."

I hugged him for that. Even all these years later , we've never regretted our decisions to be an AP family.

[Codi]

My hubby said "We will never regret our decision to put our children first. Leaving them with people they've never met , when they were so young just wasn't an option."

I hugged him for that. Even all these years later , we've never regretted our decisions to be an AP family.

:clap :heart

[MessyBee]

I feel it big time from people at church, we miss a lot of sundays because some one is sick, or I'm way too tired from a bad night, or DH and I just barely saw each other all week and desperately need some special time HOME being a family.


we are there, too, and we only have 1 so far... I imagine that we will get more so that way when we have two. Our church is probably the least understanding about that... but that's because we are the only AP-type family there. Sam is 2, and had several playmates nearly the same age, and one or two younger. they have ALL slept at someone else (like grandma's) by now... their parents are "able" and do leave them all the time. I finally had to tell the pastor and his wife, in a private meeting over coffee, about AP parenting, about how I believe this is the gentlest path, and one Jesus would have taken (of course I can't be sure, but based on what we know and have read, it seems to fit his example). I told him that he can ASK me to do things, but that until our youngest child is 5 or so, our priority is at home, and we are spread as thin as we believe we can be. It has helped.... other people still ask us occasionally, but at least he knows why we say no.

((hugs)) it must be hard with more than 1! I have more than 1 during the day, so I feel like I can relate a bit.

[ValiantJoy07]

we are there, too, and we only have 1 so far... I imagine that we will get more so that way when we have two. Our church is probably the least understanding about that... but that's because we are the only AP-type family there. Sam is 2, and had several playmates nearly the same age, and one or two younger. they have ALL slept at someone else (like grandma's) by now... their parents are "able" and do leave them all the time. I finally had to tell the pastor and his wife, in a private meeting over coffee, about AP parenting, about how I believe this is the gentlest path, and one Jesus would have taken (of course I can't be sure, but based on what we know and have read, it seems to fit his example). I told him that he can ASK me to do things, but that until our youngest child is 5 or so, our priority is at home, and we are spread as thin as we believe we can be. It has helped.... other people still ask us occasionally, but at least he knows why we say no.

((hugs)) it must be hard with more than 1! I have more than 1 during the day, so I feel like I can relate a bit.

church is the hardest for sure. I know that the pastors (and wife) SAYS "it's a season" and they aren't pushy, our church is very gracious...But I know they don't really understand. Makes it harder we've only been there a year, it feels like we're just now after a year getting to know people (in a very small church) because things have been a little weird.