How do I know it's not me, it's him?

[Blue-EyedLady]

DS has NEVER slept well, and I've posted numerous times looking for advice, which has been generously given by you ladies! :rockon So this thread is not actually looking for sleeping advice. Rather, my question is, how do I know that his sleep problems are just part of his temperment/high needs, etc. and not my atrocious parenting skills? After all, I'm a first-time mom - what do I know? When people ask me why I think he sleeps so poorly, I have no answer. He just doesn't sleep. Either that, or I'm just that bad of a mom.

It's so hard to fight off all of the "just let him cry, he'll learn soon enough" type advice as it is. And now, DS won't go to sleep unless I'm laying on him, which makes him scream, oftentimes for up to an hour before he finally calms enough to fall asleep. Multiply this by 2-3x a day, and my nerves are just frazzled. :banghead It's really hard to tell others not to let their children CIO, when I let my DS cry. In arms, yes, but he's just as upset as if he were in a room by himself (I've tried it just to find out). :shifty

I know this is essentially unanswerable, but I have to ask it anyway. How can I KNOW that I'm doing the right thing for my kid?

[TuneMyHeart]

I don't know. :hug2 I've had two babies like this, so I really wonder if it's me. :sigh Both of us are dealing with so many allergies that it's not surprising they don't sleep well, but that doesn't change the fact that it's incredibly frustrating. :crazy

[filmgirl2911]

I have also battled this, but remind myself often that one cannot *make* / *force* anyone else to sleep. Just like I would never be able to make my husband or mom or friend go to sleep just because I've repeated the same nightly routine with them, I certainly cannot expect a baby who has even fewer options if she is unable to sleep and less of a comprehension of what is going on / happening with her body to fall asleep because I want her to. This does *not* make *any* of us bad mothers. We would be bad mothers if we threw in the towel and decided to make them figure it out in a room by themselves. Just my thoughts :shrug3

[racheepoo]

My pill is now 5 and sleeps from 8pm-6:45am (when I get him up for preschool) every single night. This from a kid who nursed constantly until age 3, never slept more than 2 hours from birth on, and yadda yadda. I posted more sleep threads in numerous forums than I care to count.

It will happen. Give it time. Hang in there. It's not you. :heart

[katiekind]

One of the best moms I've ever met had a little one who was a non-sleeper, and who required all kinds of unusual parenting. He sleeps now at age 4 although it's still a bit unusual. He is one of the neatest kids I've ever been privileged to be around, but as a baby he was quite unusual and I am sure the momma had some doubts but I'm so proud that she responded by giving him what he seemed to need. He has really blossomed beautifully.

[Blue-EyedLady]

When anticipating parenthood, I had no idea the most exhausting part of my day would be naptime!

I've taken care of other people's kids for years, and never ran into a kid who had this much trouble sleeping. It really makes me question my parenting. My kid seems to be the ONLY one like this, except for all of you GCM mamas, which, since we are parenting out of the same book, doesn't really make me feel better, kwim?

[filmgirl2911]

I've taken care of other people's kids for years, and never ran into a kid who had this much trouble sleeping. It really makes me question my parenting. My kid seems to be the ONLY one like this, except for all of you GCM mamas, which, since we are parenting out of the same book, doesn't really make me feel better, kwim?


I have thought this *so* many times, too :yes And I have to remind myself (and, often, my husband is the one who has to remind me) that this is a more challenging, intense style of parenting up front. My husband consistently reminds me of my own words, that this is an investment that we can make now, when our little girl is a baby / toddler, or it's a challenge we can try to take on later, when the *really* fun stuff happens - like the world starts to have its way with them and friends can influence them. Yes, I could "force* my little girl to learn how to sleep. I know that that is what my brother did, and what my cousin did, and what my SIL did - they did not co-sleep, they did not parent babies / toddlers to sleep. And, I wonder often, are they *really* good sleepers, or do the parents just not hear them and / or do the children just stop asking for help. I. am. exhausted. Like you, I *never* anticipated that 15+ months after the birth of our little bundle, I would still be sleep deprived. But then I look at her and watch her and marvel at how amazing she really is. I revel in the fact that she *absolutely* trusts me and is an early milestone wonder - she knows more words and concepts and communicates so much earlier than I imagined, and we don't have nearly as many meltdowns as I see around me when I am out and about with her. So I *must* not be all that bad. She will learn to sleep in her own time, and as much as it infuriates me at times :yes, I will do what I can to help her along the way and remind myself that her sleeping does not reflect on my parenting. I cannot take credit for her learning to roll over, for her learning to pull up, for her learning to crawl, for her learning to eat / chew, for her learning to chew things to ease her teething - and I cannot take credit for her sleeping - good or bad.

Parenting is challenging enough - you don't need to heap any more guilt on yourself or take on responsibility that is not yours to have - his sleeping ultimately is up to him; all you can do is what you are doing - help him to get there. You are with him through the turmoil that he experiences, you have *not* left him alone to figure it out or go it alone. Give yourself credit for the loving, dedicated mama that you are :smile

[TuneMyHeart]

I agree with Judith. I look at how easily my husband falls asleep and how well he sleeps. He can fall asleep anywhere. He was a horrible sleeper as a baby, and his mom talks about walking up and down the hall with him, sleeping with him in her bed, and having to take car rides late at night just to get him to sleep. Then I think about my constant insomnia and how badly I sleep. My mom just laid me in my crib and let me be. :/ I remember having nightmares, and being afraid in my room at night. I don't want that for my kids. I want them to be secure and confident that I'll be there for them if they need me, even when I'm so tired I'm doing this - :mutter :hissyfit.

[katiekind]

My kid seems to be the ONLY one like this, except for all of you GCM mamas, which, since we are parenting out of the same book, doesn't really make me feel better, kwim?

My friend, the mom of the unusual baby who was so intense in his neediness - and a bit unusual, too, in what he needed - is not on GCM (that I know of!) and is a compassionate mother and a strong Christian but not in thrall to any particular "system". If that helps. I'm going to be seeing her today, maybe I'll ask her about the details of her little one's sleep saga and how she managed her self-doubts. (We ALL have them at times!)

[MarynMunchkins]

I wondered that a lot. But since I did let my first one CIO, I know the difference between CIO and crying in arms.

That, and I have enough kids to know it's really not me. :no And that they do sleep eventually. :hug

[BlessedBlue]

I had another kid who was parented exactly the same, slept more easily (as in - knew how to do it, and wanted to) and moved into his own bed in his own room without fuss at 2.5. :shifty The 5 yo is just now starting to ease up on the night-time issues. But please don't give her a nap!

[malakoa]

Keep in mind: Many of those CIOed babies are not asleep, they've given up crying so they are laying there, alone in the dark without anyone to listen to them or take care of them.

I had nightmares every night of my life about being trapped in a bed, and crying, with no one to get me. (My mom never let me cio but I spent 2 weeks in the NICU)

Ah, every night except after my baby was born.

Then, they stopped.

[Calliope]

:hug2 I have totally asked myself the same thing (and still do). Thing is I read about enough moms here doing all the things I do (as far as breastfeeding and cosleeping) and don't have atrocious sleepers or want to blame themselves for all of it. I think my kid's high needs temperment, light sleeping and my own self esteem issues make the situation more difficult.

Personally, I plan to have more kids to prove that it's not just me. :lol Yeah, I'm crazy. :shifty

[MomtoJGJ]

My first dd was a horrible sleeper... she's still our worst sleeper, which is saying a lot considering I have a 2 month old! She didn't sleep through the night (5+ hours) until she was 3, and didn't sleep really through the night until after DD3 was born. Now, she does ok simply because she can get up and do stuff for herself instead of waking me up.

Now, if DD3 has a nap she cannot fall asleep at night... it takes her HOURS... and has been that way since she was a little over a year old. It doesn't matter how early the nap is or how long/short it is, she just cannot wind down at night if she's had one. If no nap she falls asleep in less than 5 minutes after the lights are out and she sleeps straight through until morning with no sounds or moving... if she gets a nap she takes hours going to sleep and has dreams and is constantly tossing and turning.

DD2 is a great sleeper unless there is a problem, and so far DD4 is turning out the same way.

So, with all that said, I think it is definitely more the individual child than the parent. Although I do think we've relaxed a lot more with each child and that's made a better atmosphere for them to sleep.

[Blue-EyedLady]

Personally, I plan to have more kids to prove that it's not just me. :lol Yeah, I'm crazy. :shifty


:O me too! :lol

[Elora]

Keep in mind: Many of those CIOed babies are not asleep, they've given up crying so they are laying there, alone in the dark without anyone to listen to them or take care of them.
that. with all their "sleep training" parents have "trained" their kids that they will not be there for them at night.

so yes, part of it IS the method. everyone has different sleep habits, but part of it is definatley the method. the method that means you are there for your child means that you have to be there even at night.

what you have to decide is whether you truly want to be there for your child, or if you would like your child to "learn" that you won't be there when he/she needs you

10 months and 18 months were by far the hardest for me to handle. ds never sleeps...sometimes i handle that better than others. 10 months and 18 months were HARD.

hang in there :hug

[illinoismommy]

And now, DS won't go to sleep unless I'm laying on him, which makes him scream, oftentimes for up to an hour before he finally calms enough to fall asleep. Multiply this by 2-3x a day, and my nerves are just frazzled.


I would offer the idea that maybe he just isn't tired if it takes an hour of screaming for him to go to sleep. I haven't had a 1 1/2 year old yet who sleeps 3 times a day.

[katiekind]

So I asked my friend how she dealt with it when she would wonder if she had somehow caused him to be such a poor sleeper who needed such specific parenting to sleep, and she said that what helped her was that he was unique and intense in other ways as well, so it made sense to her that he would not sleep in a run-of-the-mill way.