Co-sleeping is bad for your marriage

[TuneMyHeart]

I think I hear this from someone at least once a day. :rolleyes My parents are so worried about it. We went to a marriage counselor a while ago, and he got onto us about it. I started seeing a counselor on my own yesterday, and she said it. Friends say, "How does your husband feel about having her in your bed?" Um, don't you think my DH probably had a say in this? Why do people think they have any business in how we sleep? :/ They're not the ones who have to get up multiple times a night!

We used to start Ellie out in her own bed, but it was taking us 2 hours to get her to sleep, then we'd lay her in her bed, and she'd sleep there for 2 hours at the most. After that, she usually spent the rest of the night in our bed. We gave up a few weeks ago and started putting her in our bed from the beginning of the night. She's so happy there. :heart She's excited about going to sleep instead of dreading it. She's going to sleep so much faster, waking up less often, and usually putting herself back to sleep when she does wake up (she snuggles up next to one of us, realizes she's already where she wants to be, then puts herself back to sleep). No more crying! :grin

We've figured out that co-sleeping is good for our marriage. :rockon

Now if only I could get rid of this insomnia. :tired

[BHope]

We used to start Ellie out in her own bed, but it was taking us 2 hours to get her to sleep, then we'd lay her in her bed, and she'd sleep there for 2 hours at the most.

The crazy thing is that people assume 2 hours of pre-bedtime drama is somehow preferable. :rollseyes

We've coslept for so long that now when Dh and I get to DTD in bed it's a treat. Almost a guilty pleasure. Even with three wee ones, (two of which cosleep) we're able to find a quiet spot.

[J3K]

"Co sleeping is bad for your marriage."

"you know what else is bad for my marriage ? Other people telling me what they think is bad for my marriage."


:shifty

or
" did we ask you what you thought ?"

or
"that is very outdated information."

or
"my husband and I are quite happy with the arrangement and we'd appreciate NO more comments on this issue. You aren't involved in the decision in our house about who sleeps where."

[jojola]

Is the bedroom the only place one can DTD?? I tell people it's good for our marriage, because we have to get creative :) Besides, we have a guest room... with a lock on the door.

[Iveyrock]

cosleeping has actually been very good for my marriage. In fact, each time we've added a child to the bed, our relationship has improved. Which could become a self-perpetuating cycle... :O

[J3K]

another sure fire way to get people to stop commenting....quit telling them. For me that was the final straw...I just couldn't figure out why these people thought they had a say in what we did in the privacy of our own bedroom and then it occurred to me....I keep mentioning it....I keep talking about it....if it was a bad night I comment on it , if it was a good night I comment on it.....so I quit commenting altogether.

When people ask me now I let them know "We don't discuss our sleeping arrangements any more. Got too much flack for it , so we stopped."

[zak]

:rolleyes :no

:lol Amber! No kidding!! :giggle

[MidnightCafe]

another sure fire way to get people to stop commenting....quit telling them. For me that was the final straw...I just couldn't figure out why these people thought they had a say in what we did in the privacy of our own bedroom and then it occurred to me....I keep mentioning it....I keep talking about it....if it was a bad night I comment on it , if it was a good night I comment on it.....so I quit commenting altogether.

When people ask me now I let them know "We don't discuss our sleeping arrangements any more. Got too much flack for it , so we stopped."




I completely agree with this. We took the same approach. Mane doesn't co-sleep anymore, but she was in our room until she was almost 4. It wasn't worth it to tell people.

[Heather Micaela]

If it is so bad for my marriage, how on earth have I been pregnany six times? :giggle

[TuneMyHeart]

Heather! :giggle

I wonder how people managed to have more babies when they lived in one room houses with one big family bed!

BTW, people usually ask me, "Where does Ellie sleep?" I don't exactly volunteer the information. Why do they care?

[MidnightCafe]

Heather! :giggle

I wonder how people managed to have more babies when they lived in one room houses with one big family bed!

BTW, people usually ask me, "Where does Ellie sleep?" I don't exactly volunteer the information. Why do they care?


You could always answer that she sleeps in bed. :giggle

[Ali]

We don't co-sleep, but I've gotten that comment even over the occasional times our kids are in the bed and for having a baby in a bassinet in the room.

Them: Having your kids in the bed is bad for your marriage.
You: What do you mean? DH and I have a great sexlife! It's way more fun in places other than the bed. But you know, I have to say I find it a bit creepy that you are so interested in where we DTD.

They usually never ask about it again.

[Katigre]

"Are you asking about our sex life? Because I can assure you that DH and I are very fulfilled in that area ;). We feel that cosleeping has brought our marriage and family closer and can't imagine it any other way!"

[mwwr]

I believe it was Sheila Kippley who said in her book that people who think you have to DTD in your own bed have very little imagination. :O

[milkmommy]

We have little imangination then :lol but if you saw our place and knew our background youd "understand" yet even that never kept us from cosleeping :giggle We don't anymore because weve moved past that stage but it hardly ruined our marriage when we did. BTW the majority of families I've known who deffiently cosleep also have at least 5 plus kids no its obviously not affecting there sex/marriage life as well.
OTOH I can see where is "could" be an issue but then so could just about anything :shrug

[ShiriChayim]

Them: Co-sleeping is bad for your marriage
You: Oh well, you weren't invited ;)

[Beauty4Ashes]

It may be bad for marriage :hunh , but it's great for nursing and still getting enough sleep! I remember when ds1 was a baby and I had not yet discovered co-sleeping. He was waking up all the time at night and I never knew if he was in bed next to me, nursing, or in the portable bassinet which was on a table right next to me. I was so disoriented and not rested. My mil introduced me to co-sleeping and we never looked back. I don't offer the information though, people consider me weird enough as it is!

[3PeasInAPod]

co sleeping has been good for our marriage b/c I'm not getting up several times a night with ds & not spending 1hr for him to go to sleep - hence I'm not as tired & therefore not as grouchy. I have more energy for dtd. :)

[blessedw/4]

Them: Co-sleeping is bad for your marriage
You: Oh well, you weren't invited ;)


:giggle i'm going to use that one :yes
I had the same problem with counselors telling me that co-sleeping was bad for me and bad for our marriage. One counselor that would not even continue to see me if I was going to continue to co-sleep :hunh I may have been suffering from postpartum depression, but I was NOT stupid ... never went back to see that counselor. Something inside me told me that my family needed the connection of being near eachother, when we fall asleep and when we wake up. I agree with several other posters, it's only made our marriage better. I think that attachment parenting, when both parents want to parent that way, brings a family closer together. This type of parenting requires a sacrife, a placing of other's needs before your own wants. Seeing my husband treat our children with such love and respect, only makes me love him more.

[Freetobeme24]

I sure wish my dh had the courage to tell his coworker to butt out of our lives. She asked my dh, 'lil g ain' still sleeping with yall is he?" He said , yes, and that is the best choice for our family. She then proceeds to send him emails about how cosleeping is wrong and sends it with the title, 'HOW TO KILL YOUR SEX LIFE" :yawn :shifty

I am VERY tired of this coworker and my dh says he tries to avoid her as much as possible, but since he has to set up programs and she is the coordinator, she always has something to say! She asks about potty training, breastfeeding...that is why I told my dh to tell her to call me when she has a question,( I am more than willing and able to set her completely straight) BUT my dh says that is not his style to say something like that...... :doh :doh :doh :doh

I just wish there was something he could say to her that would make her stop being so interested in our life, even with a script, she still asks questions. I don't really know her all that well and I do not care for her as a person to start with (personality and attitude), plus of very rude comments she has made in the past.....

I love cosleeping and as the saying goes, A FAMILY THAT SLEEPS TOGETHER, SNORES TOGETHER!! :heart

Plus, like a pp mentioned, we dont volunteer any information!

[BHope]

Sounds like he's going to need to start passing the bean dip. Or as the saying goes, "do not engage." ;) She thinks she has an audience in your husband and is using him to propagate her own ideals, not to mention she's using him as a sounding board. Don't even read the emails. Have him delete them as they arrive. When she asks him about his opinion he can honestly answer, "I didn't read it. Those decisions are private choices between my wife and myself. Would you like some beandip?"

From that point forward, pass the bean dip. :hug2

[HomeWithMyBabies]

I didn't realize that the root of all marital problems was so strongly related to where family members just so happen to sleep. :scratch :P~ Somehow it seems the real issue would be deeper than that.

[klpmommy]

My SIL was *shocked* when I talked about cosleeping & she said something about s*x and I responded "it would be awfully boring if we only used the bed". Like she had never thought about s*x anywhere else. :hunh

I haven't had the "bad for your marriage" comments, but when people ask me about E b/c it is so "bad" for her I tell them that I am perfectly content to cosleep until her wedding night but I draw the line there. Usually that shuts people up.

[deena]

:sigh


When our three year old falls asleep in our bed we both just stare at him- totally in love. It's very bonding.

[ShiriChayim]

I haven't had the "bad for your marriage" comments, but when people ask me about E b/c it is so "bad" for her I tell them that I am perfectly content to cosleep until her wedding night but I draw the line there. Usually that shuts people up.
:giggle

[ArmsOfLove]

cosleeping has actually been very good for my marriage. In fact, each time we've added a child to the bed, our relationship has improved. Which could become a self-perpetuating cycle... :O
It did for us :giggle

[tnaallen]

My 4 year old is still in bed with me and so is our 18 month old and our next will be too (as of June). I can usually get around the cosleeping remarks easily, but it's when they find out dh doesn't sleep in bed that it REALLY starts a fire. So we usually don't offer any info anymore. But I don't mind at all discussing co-sleeping with people.

Oh, and dh wouldn't be in our bed often at all even if we had no kids. the whole alarm thing at 4:30 in the morning does NOT mesh with me. Once I wake up, I'm stuck awake. So dh a long time ago learned that it wasn't worth getting whacked in the morning and a yelp in his ear to "Turn it off!" :giggle

As for the co-cleeping remarks, I usually just turn the questioning on them. Ask them why they think that way and such and it doesn't take long before the stuttering or deer caught in headlights look appears. And I usually end with a snicker of how I don't know how anyone could get up out of bed in a dead sleep to go put a kid back to sleep. For my body, that just does NOT mix.

Tee - I think I would just tell my husband to say to his co-worker "I don't think it's appropriate to talk with another woman about the sex life in my marriage." :hunh I could see the questions a little, but the emails and such about the sex life are bit too much for me.

[Freetobeme24]

My 4 year old is still in bed with me and so is our 18 month old and our next will be too (as of June). I can usually get around the cosleeping remarks easily, but it's when they find out dh doesn't sleep in bed that it REALLY starts a fire. So we usually don't offer any info anymore. But I don't mind at all discussing co-sleeping with people.

Oh, and dh wouldn't be in our bed often at all even if we had no kids. the whole alarm thing at 4:30 in the morning does NOT mesh with me. Once I wake up, I'm stuck awake. So dh a long time ago learned that it wasn't worth getting whacked in the morning and a yelp in his ear to "Turn it off!" :giggle

As for the co-cleeping remarks, I usually just turn the questioning on them. Ask them why they think that way and such and it doesn't take long before the stuttering or deer caught in headlights look appears. And I usually end with a snicker of how I don't know how anyone could get up out of bed in a dead sleep to go put a kid back to sleep. For my body, that just does NOT mix.

Tee - I think I would just tell my husband to say to his co-worker "I don't think it's appropriate to talk with another woman about the sex life in my marriage." :hunh I could see the questions a little, but the emails and such about the sex life are bit too much for me.


BRB later, bookmarking so I can respond!! :)

[Praise]

Seeing my husband treat our children with such love and respect, only makes me love him more.


Yeah. :hearts

[Teacher Mom]

if co-sleeping hurts the marriage, why are so many couples divorced and they never co-slept????

My marriage is strong, thank you very much. But I agree with pp. We do not discuss it with most people anymore. Not worth my time.

[Freetobeme24]

My 4 year old is still in bed with me and so is our 18 month old and our next will be too (as of June). I can usually get around the cosleeping remarks easily, but it's when they find out dh doesn't sleep in bed that it REALLY starts a fire. So we usually don't offer any info anymore. But I don't mind at all discussing co-sleeping with people.

Oh, and dh wouldn't be in our bed often at all even if we had no kids. the whole alarm thing at 4:30 in the morning does NOT mesh with me. Once I wake up, I'm stuck awake. So dh a long time ago learned that it wasn't worth getting whacked in the morning and a yelp in his ear to "Turn it off!" :giggle

As for the co-cleeping remarks, I usually just turn the questioning on them. Ask them why they think that way and such and it doesn't take long before the stuttering or deer caught in headlights look appears. And I usually end with a snicker of how I don't know how anyone could get up out of bed in a dead sleep to go put a kid back to sleep. For my body, that just does NOT mix.

Tee - I think I would just tell my husband to say to his co-worker "I don't think it's appropriate to talk with another woman about the sex life in my marriage." :hunh I could see the questions a little, but the emails and such about the sex life are bit too much for me.


Thanks for saying that, I mentioned that to him during lunch and he said that he didn't even think about that..He says that he will say something along those lines and just try to stay away from her and he has his script in place too!

[Teacher Mom]

Oops. I meant to say something about that too. A little TMI imo. She needs to not be so nosey.

[La Loba]

Is the bedroom the only place one can DTD?? I tell people it's good for our marriage, because we have to get creative :) Besides, we have a guest room... with a lock on the door.


:yes :yes :yes yup. I couldn't agree more. If anything co-sleeping is the best thing that's ever happened to our sex life because it means we need to be creative, think outside the square, and sneak around like newly-weds again!! :giggle None of this routine married sex like all my friends complain about!!

[TuneMyHeart]

I had to come back and find this thread and point out that co-sleeping can't be too bad for your marriage. Check out my sig. :shifty

[Teacher Mom]

haha

Congratulations!!! Can't wait for all their comments now!!! :clap

[Linnis]

Haha!

This guy on board I go to said "If it's a family bed where do you have s*x?" and it's like "Uh...I didn't know we were limited to the bed when having s*x." Sure put him in his place.


My DH has been more for co-sleeping than I have been.

[illinoismommy]

BTW, people usually ask me, "Where does Ellie sleep?" I don't exactly volunteer the information. Why do they care?


that's so odd, no one has ever asked me that question :hunh

[Linnis]

I think more people ask because there isn't a crib. We got rid of ours since it just took up space.

[Emilie]

I find it interesting the flack I get from a friend for co-sleeping...when she says "yeah I brought Jake into our bed for a few hours this morning so I could get more sleep". Co-sleeping is co-sleeping whether it be all night or for 3 hours. Why is it that if you co-sleep all night that is not acceptable but do it for a couple hours...that is ok?

[liv731]

Co-sleeping is co-sleeping whether it be all night or for 3 hours. Why is it that if you co-sleep all night that is not acceptable but do it for a couple hours...that is ok?


So true!

And i second, this is the best thing that could happen to our marriage! Bedtime is the funniest thing, the best part of the day for my kiddos, we all love it, so easy this way!

[J3K]

Our ten year old spent the better part of the night in between us because of the thunderstorms rocking the area. (four inches of rain overnight !! ) Co sleeping is amazing....because she was used to be comforted that way , she fell right to sleep and stayed asleep til about 3am when (the storms had passed) I woke her to go to her own room (my sore knee did take a beating...but when your child is nearly as long as you are.....:giggle that's gonna happen)

[Freetobeme24]

Exactly!

Plus I have a friend who is always saying she is so tired from getting up to put her toddler back to bed, I am so glad that I don't have to go through that, as I have said before, A Family that sleeps together, snores together!! :P~

[Heather Micaela]

A Family that sleeps together, snores together!!
Only if the dw falls asleep *before* the snoring dw :shifty :giggle

[Freetobeme24]

A Family that sleeps together, snores together!!
Only if the dw falls asleep *before* the snoring dw :shifty :giggle



:P~ :lol

[mommylove]

DS co-sleeps with one of us . . . usually me. (DH thinks our queen bed is too cramped with all of us, even though we're not big people.)

So I have a question for you all . . . .

Does the whole family go to bed (for the night) at the same time? What time is that? I try to get DS to sleep 2+ hours before I retire for the night because I really need the "me" time. He sleeps for very short periods of time after I sneak out of the bed, so it's a tough fight for me to get some "me" time or for DH & I to get some time together.

So while I'd never admit it to the naysayers, but co-sleeping has not been good for our marriage.

Until I retire for the night, I'm constantly having to nurse DS back to sleep (he's almost 2 and SO very attached to the boobs) and no time for DH. DS can fall back asleep if I'm next to him, but once I leave the bed, when he wakes, he comes looking for me, screaming. DH leaves for work early in the morning, so I don't see him then. I miss my time with DH.

What am I doing wrong?

[Freetobeme24]

DS co-sleeps with one of us . . . usually me. (DH thinks our queen bed is too cramped with all of us, even though we're not big people.)

So I have a question for you all . . . .

Does the whole family go to bed (for the night) at the same time? What time is that? I try to get DS to sleep 2+ hours before I retire for the night because I really need the "me" time. He sleeps for very short periods of time after I sneak out of the bed, so it's a tough fight for me to get some "me" time or for DH & I to get some time together.

So while I'd never admit it to the naysayers, but co-sleeping has not been good for our marriage.

Until I retire for the night, I'm constantly having to nurse DS back to sleep (he's almost 2 and SO very attached to the boobs) and no time for DH. DS can fall back asleep if I'm next to him, but once I leave the bed, when he wakes, he comes looking for me, screaming. DH leaves for work early in the morning, so I don't see him then. I miss my time with DH.

What am I doing wrong?


Hi,

It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong. I think that even if you were not cosleeping, your little one may be the toddler that will want one last snack, or one last drink of water. etc and want to get out of bed. Maybe his little body just isn't ready to sleep through the night alone yet.

Your little guy sounds just like mine!!

I know this will sound weird, but we have a later sleep time than most families because we are pretty much night people. So....when ds falls asleep and dh and I want to watch a movie or something, I just hold him in my arms and yes he is still VERY attached to his "minnies" ;) Otherwise, he will sleep for about 2 hours if we are down stairs and then wake up screaming and looking for us. So.....with that being said, we either go to bed at the same time (remember we got to bed later than most folks here) OR sometimes we do go ahead and go downstairs and watch a movie, and when we hear ds, I either nurse him back to sleep for a few minutes or bring him downstairs with me while he is falling back asleep.

I dont know if this helps AT ALL!! :P~

I am sure more mommas will chime in for you!!

You are not alone, my ds does the same thing, however, seems like, the older he gets, the longer he sleeps! He has been waking up since he entered this world!!

[Praise]

Nope, not alone at all. :yes

DD1 (who is 3) still wakes screaming if she can't see dh or me. :/ I don't know what to make of it. She was like that even when she was a baby--dead asleep, and then wide awake and screaming. :shrug (And she went for months only sleeping 20 minutes at a time without me next to her. A very draining time.)

For dh and me, we had to make our relationship a priority. But, we had to get creative. The sex had to wait till dd was asleep and be quick. (But, I reminded myself that it wouldn't always be like this...and it wasn't. :shifty) And for the 20 minutes that dd was sleeping, I made sure that we spent at least one of those chunks together. We also tried to do stuff before dd went to sleep--like talk. And, when dd was a bit older than 2, we went on mini-dates. My mom would watch dd for short stints and we'd go out.

:hug2 It is true that for some babies co-sleeping is hard on a marriage. But, for us it took some creativity to get through the rough spots.

[ladybug]

BAD for my marriage huh??

hmmmmm.....
actually co-sleeping has been GOOD for our ahem *loveness in our marriage*...... we get to be more creative and spontaneous!!!