Help me be patient AND convincing!!! Argh!

[AKCristyMJ]

My brother-in-laws dear wife is pregnant with their first dc.
Everyone is so excited not the least of which myself.
They've been married 10yrs and we all had no idea when or if they'd have kids. A big surprise all around!
It'll be my dc's first cousin!

The thing is tho I love giving advice and love talking to her but am feeling I'm begining to scare her off or overwhelm her.

She knows nothing of APing. Has made little decions thus far. She isn't due untill Sep.

I am so hopefull she will choose a midwife over her OBGYN, a waterbirth or whatever instead of a hospital typical birth, breastfeed vs bottlefeed, cosleep instead of crib use, hire a nanny instead of put baby in day care at 6wks old when she must return to work......etc.
etc etc.

I've mentioned my hopes and why but am so nervous as to how best to word it and when without getting so :soapbox preachy.

I've recommended all of DrSears books and am going to mail her the Happiest Baby on the Block book, NCSS book, The Complete Book on Breastfeeding and DrSears Birth book.
I figure those authors say it all better than I can.
But ofcource I run the risk that she won't find the time, or the importance, in reading those books. Although she has sounded happy to receive them.

So when faced with someone very laid-back and unaware of well pretty much everything on GCM lol how best can I convey MY values and such without being very :duck or :poke or :blahblah on too much???

Also they are not Christians at all, they are confident atheists so I sorta feel I'm battling that too as in she might not take me as seriously, kwim? We are sorta already freaks in their minds probably...........without me daring to admit I'm anti-vaxing lol. :shifty
They don't seem super "natural" crunchy minded anyways.

I just dunno what to say, what not to say, how to say it and when. And still be a good friend and support the choices she makes.

:hiding :shrug

[knitlove]

:popcorn

[Codi]

Ugh...SO HARD!

Just remember, you have 8ish months before the baby will be here and that much time to get her all the information you want her to hear. I think sending the books is GREAT!

I am personally on myspace and love that I can post bulletins for all my friends to see because its not like personally emailing them an article! LOL And I just HOPE and PRAY that they will read the information. The one thing that makes me feel not so bad about telling people about my "crunchy" stuff, is that maybe its the first time they are hearing about a different decision they could make. For example, if just ONE person had mentioned to me that now a days only 50% of boys are circumcised and that it is NOT necessary, my ds may still be intact. It wasnt untill later in his life I found out more info on it.

Id just say, "Man, your probabally gonna be sick of all the cool little facts I know by the time you have your baby! LOL!" To make light of it! Then just tell her all the cool co-sleeping, breastfeeding, waterbirthing facts you know! You'd be surprised....my friends have been really receptive and open to my "cool little facts." And now even CALL ME to ask questions! LOL

:heart

[CapeTownMommy]

I think your approach is great. I had something similar when my bf got pregnant (except she's Christian) - she hadn't decided how she wants to parent.

I told her right off the bat that I know I tend to give advice too easily, so she should just shut me up if I do. And I've tried ever since to frame what I want to say as sharing my experience, instead of preaching. For example: We let dd CIO once, and it was horrible. It worked, but I'll probably regret it for as long as I live. After that, we started rocking her to sleep and cuddling her when she needs it, and she's just soooooo content and happy. I share that with everyone I know, because hopefully they won't make the mistake we did by trying CIO before just meeting their baby's needs. I also try to have facts backing up what I say (like the studies that show extended crying is harmful to baby's brain development, etc.) - when I was pregnant, I didn't really care about what others preferred, I wanted cold hard facts to make my decisions!

I think your cousin is blessed to have you. :hug2

[Codi]

One thing to remember too, is she can say all she wants what kind of parent she will be while pregnant. But you will never really know what kind of parent you will be until you are one.

I SWORE I would NEVER let my son sleep ONE NIGHT in our bed, I would only breastfeed until about 6 months, MAYBE a year, fully vaccinate, time outs, etc, etc, etc...EVERYTHING NOT AP, I was gonna do!

The second my son was born, I was a different person! He slept the first night in the hospital with me and has been with us in bed ever since! I am still breastfeeding him, and we dont vax, to name a few of the MANY things we do and dont do that are not mainstream.

So even if she doesnt come around, she may have a change of heart once she holds her precious little one!

:heart

[Firebird Rising]

I am faced with something similar with two friends and one of the things I remember about my first pregnancy is that I was fairly ambivilent until around 5 months and then all of a sudden realized that I needed to figure out what my birthing plans were and how to raise my child and the first few months. At that point, I was very happy to have friends recommending books. Before then, I just didn't really grasp what was going to happen.

So I guess I would say, give it some time and see how things change as she grows into her pregnancy. At some point, she will really kick into pregnancy and start having questions. Be available for that.

My friend who is just now 6 mths really just got interested in reading things this last month. My other friend is 4 months and hasn't hit that stage yet so I'm setting up the building blocks.

I think another thing is that with some people, I've really had to choose WHICH topic I want someone to take away from a conversation with me. For instance, I believe very strongly in breastfeeding on demand, babywearing, gentle parenting, cloth-diapering, natural birthing, co-sleeping, not vaccinating and am definitely not circing another child (I circed DS before I knew all the facts). If I were to talk to a person about all that stuff in one fell swoop, they would leave thinking I am pushy, opinionated and a little overboard. Therefore, I have decided that if I push ANYTHING with someone, it's going to be the be natural birthing. If I were to help a person choose natural birthing, in all their research, they will likely learn about breastfeeding and that may lead to baby-wearing, co-sleeping and possibly even into vaccination stuff and circumcision. If you look at your interests and take into consideration the person you're talking to, I would guess that focusing in that sort of way would help you decide best on what you should mention when you talk to her.

I hope this makes sense. I'm frequently in this situation and this is what I've come up with so far.

Jen D.

[AKCristyMJ]

:ty so much!!

I feel better.

Yeah I mean she is only barely 6wks now LOL a lot can happen before September.
I'm being very nice about it and mostly letting her ask questions.
I'm leaving out certain topics....like vaxing and homebirth n such.

My main push right now is urging her to get a midwife.
She has an OBGYN that she has known a long time and already had 1 OB appt with. But she was interested in all the great things I said about how my midwives were vs my OBGYN. She said she had never thought about midwives before, thought they were all anti-medical hippies lol. So I am thrilled to atleast change her mind on that.............and you're right by 5mos or so the reality that the baby is healthy and she has a wide range of birth options...hits. So who knows!

Honestly I think if she gets a good midwife-and in Portland that shouldn't be hard- then the midwife will more so and be better at urging breastfeeding and other great natural AP ways. I hope.

But yeah I mean with my 3 dc I tried it all. 3 very different births and pareting methods n such. So I've told her I'm coming from really a "I wish I'd known this before my first + pregnancy test 8yrs ago!" mindset and desire to help.

So ok I feel better. :phew :giggle
Thanx so much!!

:pray4 it all works!!
:pray4 for them to receive Christ too......nothing that baby needs more than 2 parents that love his/her's Creator! :yes2

[Ned]

My SIL is nearly 4 months pregnant and well maybe God wanted to tell her something (not sure) but we saw them about 3 weeks after we found out and I thought she was terribly niave. She wasn't a bit nervous which I couldn't understand why? Said she beenthough all her girlfriends pregnancies with them???? Anyway, 3 days later one of my girls came down with the German measles, so out of courtesy I rang my SIL to tell her. Well..............biggest mistake I ever made I think. SHE FREAKED!!!! They were at the doctors office within 10 mins ordering blood tests and panicking because she is not immune to Rubella (which I didn't know). Anyway, it was a good wake-up call I think for her. It opened a wholecan of worms about vaccination and medical tests (none of which I subscribe to).

Anyway, I gave her a book written by a girl here in Australia called "Gods plan for conception, pregnancy and birth' by Nerida Walker. I am hoping this will get her thinking?!!? I think that sometimes I just have to let go and let her find out for herself just hoping for opportunites to open up every now and again. (I can always pray for wisdom for her).

Like you, I have alot of trouble accepting the decisions of mothers who haven't done any research. I think sending anyone the Sears books is a good start - here's hoping they read them. Actually, I might give them to her as a gift when the baby arrives.

[AKCristyMJ]

:yes

Yes.

I've taken to just reminding myself it is her baby within her body. I can't force her. AND I entered my 1st pregnancy very niave and reading ONLY that awfull awfull What To Exspect When You're Exspecting book as well as subscribing to the awfull Parenting magazine later on. :doh

BUT atleast I did make those choices.....and learned from them.

I keep thinking that frankly if someone had come along telling me too much or hoping to herd me down their path I'd have been lost. It needed to be my choice and I think I needed to see the "other side".
I'd have not valued my midwife as much if I hadn't had an OB first.
I'd have not have valued my natural birth-despite it being in a hospital-as much if I hadn't had a CSection. Infact knowing it was natural AND a VBAC made me feel even more powerfull and thankfull to do it.
Kwim?
And I'd certainly not have been willing to press on through the difficulties of nursing if I hadn't formula-fed my 1st.

Ofcource ideally it woulda been nice for my precious firstborn dd to not have been the "Guinea Pig" tho. Plenty I wish I woulda read. :(

So I just keep telling her that that I want to help in anyway I can to make her pregnancy, birth, and baby-parenting much better than mine was.
Is that good ya think??? :shrug

I just dunno when I'm being too pushy.
Goodgrief I find myself blabbering on about birth and breastfeeding.....and she is barely 6wks along!! LOL :O

[Ned]

Yeah, I know, its just that in my circle of friends and small groups I am constantly meeting women who wish they had been told or known what they knew now instead of learning the hard way and being sorry later so you feel for them and try to help them avoid these dramas, even traumas for some. Its just that sometimes they don't want to listen. Ignorance is bliss I guess :shrug

[ladybug]

I think the most important thing in the ENTIRE thing you mentioned is that they are not believers.
THAT would be the first and foremost concern of mine....the other stuff, it all is way less important than the eternal place for their souls.
That said, I think how your approaching it is ok.
When I was pg with our #1, we were def not christians, and we were living in the world.
Partying and the works.
Then suddenly I was pg, and life changed IMMEDIATELY!
And honestly, I didn't have a CLUE that there were such things as midwives, doulas, etc.
Homebirth? That happened to people who had fast labors and didn't make it to the hospital.
and waterbirth?? hadn't HEARD of it.
Breastfeeding--I actually didn't even THINK about it, till after our son was born and the LC plopped him on my boob, and said "Feed Him!"
heh.
and co-sleeping-well that happened completely by chance (GOD!) because I ended up with a c/s (he was huge-10.6 lbs and turned weird) and I simply COULD NOT get up to get him, so I slept in the recliner with him, which turned into him in our bed! hehe.
ok, so then daycare, yah, I 100% planned on going back to work, but during my maternity leave, I fell in love and he went to daycare for ONE day, and then I quit my job!!
I've been a SAHM ever since!!
HEH!
So, ALL THAT to say, she may just not have a clue and things may completely change 100% when this kid is born and they realize what changes must be made in their lives.....
Because when I was pregnant, of course we stopped partying, but we started going to church (DH became a christian when ds was 2), and life changed sooo much for the better.
I think that you educating her on this stuff is AWESOME!
I wish someone would have done that for me, but I'm the oldest in my family.
My SIL actually was the biggest encourager for breastfeeding back then, as I watched her bf her dd till she was over 2.
So anyway, it's only 7 am here, and I've been up with the baby and 3 yo since 4 am, so I'm rambling...LOL!!
Good luck to you, and I hope you can influence their parenting in small ways if not the whole big picture!!!

[AKCristyMJ]

It in interesting you bring that up, God sent you to post that to me for sure.
I've been thinking for weeks about their atheism and God has pressed heavily upon me that their hearts are starting to open to Him and I need to get ready to witness a lot. I see no way at all now, but He has assured me someway soon will be provided for them&I to have this needed talk.

Sadly though my SIL hasn't been online to chat with me, email me, or call me in well atleast 2mos now.
She has totally avoided us.
I have no real idea why. If I asked her I knooooow she'd just say she's been real tired&busy lately. If thats true or not I wouldn't know.

I did not send her any books because when we last talked way back I felt I was pushing this "I'm gonna mail you lotsa books" topic and she finnaly said that she has plenty to read thanx to all her oworkers giving her books.
Thats her polite way of saying she wasn't gonna read what I sent or felt she should.
+ she had gone out and bought "What to exspect when you're exspecting" while TTCing and kept saying how complete that book was and everything else seemed to repeat what it said. :doh :doh :doh

But yes......their salvation has become a very big deal to me and I'm glad you mentioned it, I was begiingng to wane on my prep to witness to them so God sent you to give that helpfull :poke ;) :ty

[MamaLovesDaddy]

Most of us do enter pregnancy and parenthood completely naive & cocky. I certainly was! I've also found lots of first time moms very resistant to any advice - especially in regards to labor preparation and vaccines!! But, that said, it's good to be free to talk about stuff with her in a non-confrontative way. A book I highly recommend that she might really enjoy is called "Rediscovering Birth". It is very thought provoking and leads into all sorts of new questions and thoughts about the way we do things in the western world. Also, if she is not a believer she may enjoy Compleat Mother Magazine. It is very provocative and has tons of birth stories/breastfeeding advocacy in it - and pretty liberal/free thinking. It is one of the first introductions into a more "aware" parenting consciousness that I personally had - and it made a strong impact on me, leading to my own homebirths after having the first 2 in the hospital. Another very good pregnancy book is called "Naturally Healthy Pregnancy" by Shonda Parker. It is VERY good. (although Shonda is a believer and there are a few spiritual comments within the pages) It's a strong dicotomy from the What to expect junk!

But I also think that the Dr. Sears books are EXCELLENT books to give any new parent (or old one for that matter :) ) So all that said - definitely remember she's a new mama and she needs to learn the same way we did - sometimes the hard way. Just look for gentle ways to encourage her and let her make her own decisions/mistakes - being sensitive to her openness to hearing you/or not. I completely share your passion to protect her from the crazy medicine that is practiced on people in this culture - and really bad advice that mainstream media/philosophy presents!

[Mum2Es]

Also they are not Christians at all, they are confident atheists so I sorta feel I'm battling that too as in she might not take me as seriously, kwim?

Don't worry about that bit - DH and I are "confident atheists" too and I'm totally sold on this whole GBD approach! :yes

[Ned]

Ahhh, I was just looking for this thread & couldn't find it do started another, but basically, I finally got the guts to approach my SIL and she told me nicley to mind my business - they will go mainstream thankyou very much. (You can read more about it on the THUMBS DOWN thread I started).

[LadyofReason]

Also they are not Christians at all, they are confident atheists so I sorta feel I'm battling that too as in she might not take me as seriously, kwim?


If you want them to listen at all to any of the rest of it, I'd leave this alone. I was Christian and now believe otherwise. If someone was trying to suggest parenting ideas to me and also witness to me I would likely stop listening at all.
You may have to pick which one you want to focus on and honestly you have a better chance of getting through to them on the parenting front. Mostly after the baby is born. ;)
Be as casual as possible about stuff. Maybe just send the Dr. Sears book and mention that it actually has quite a bit of different info than the WTE books.

Good luck! :)

[Ned]

I wish you lots of luck & patience Partyof5. I have had no luck & am going through an emotional rollercoaster over it all. Take heart that you care enough (so you have a big heart) & your choices are informed. I understand where you are coming from COMPLETELY! :hugheart