the elephant in the room: night time parenting

[Beauty4Ashes]

I'm feeling more and more resentful because for the past 3.5 years, I've been doing almost all the night time parenting. It was one thing when I was nursing, but now that I am 6 months pregnant, and have been dealing with sick kiddos and ds2's night wakings complete with sleep talking and screaming in his sleep for the past 5-6 months, well, I've just about had it. Last two nights, dh asked that I take ds2 into a separate room to sleep (and since I end up co-sleeping with him anyway, that means that I have to sleep on a less comfy bed as well) because ds2's snoring/night wakings are affecting dh's sleep. Dh is a really light sleeper and it takes him a while to get back to sleep. He thinks that since I can take a nap during the day, that it's not such a big problem that I have to get up with the kids at night. Whereas he has to go to work, so he is in greater need of good sleep at night. I'm tired of taking care of everyone's needs, esp. now when I am sick and pregnant and uncomfortable. I don't know how I'm going to handle parenting 3 kids to sleep, esp. with ds2's nightwakings. I just want to run away.

[milkmommy]

Hve you told him no? That you understand his need for sleep that you 100% respect that but that you always making the sacrifice is simpily not fair and not working and that you need a diffrent solution. Remind him that your carring another of his children and that does require some adjustments all around.

Deanna

[Beauty4Ashes]

I told him yesterday (bad timing, I was in a foul mood as it was) that I can't keep being the only one doing the nighttime parenting, I just can't. He said, then just don't go into them. Give it 2-3 nights, and they won't wake up any more. I said, no, that is NOT an option. Just because something works, doesn't make it right. He countered with, look, Danny screamed for a little bit, now look at him, he's sitting on my lap quiet and nice. I said, well, first off, it wasn't just a few minutes, it was more like half an hour, and second, he's probably quiet because now you are comforting him. He said, look at yourself, you're about to collapse, you're six months pregnant, you're sick, you're doing too much, when are you going to listen to me. I said, maybe you should help me at night, I've told him that just because I *can* go back to bed after he goes to work and Bashar goes to school, doesn't mean that I am able--something about freezing cold air on your skin combined with rushing to get ds1 off to school and dh off to work, well adrenaline is pumping and going back to sleep is not possible. He said so what do you want me to do then? And at this point, I excused myself, went up stairs and cried.

[Hermana Linda]

:hugheart

[Mother Duck]

:hugheart

[Beauty4Ashes]

He sort of redeemed himself yesterday--Danny ended up sitting with dh on the bed from, oh, 8pm until we went to bed. I'm not sure at what time that Danny dozed off curled up on dh's leg/chest/whereever, but when we went to bed, Danny woke up calling out for baba, and dh went in and rubbed his back until he went back to sleep. I'm thinking that the reason why they always call for me is because I'm the one who always answers them. I need to give dh that chance to connect with them and help them with their needs.

[milkdud]

:hugheart My dh says similiar things about nighttime parenting. Re: leave them alone and they'll stop eventually. It makes me want to punch him. :shifty He sleeps in another room and I now sleep with both boys. When the baby was a newborn, the toddler started waking a lot and dh got tired of getting up with him, so he moved to another part of the house where he couldn't hear him adn told me I needed to start taking care of him. He didn't care that I was already up all.night.long nursing a newborn. I was so hurt and angry. :yes2

Finally, I told him that these were OUR children and he had better get his act together and start helping out. That just b/c he left during the day and had a "real" job did not make me soley responsible for everyone's nighttime needs and that I had HAD it. I was a crying, screaming mess during the conversation, hadn't showered in nearly a week and at a breaking point. Really, I think I scared him. :giggle Since then, he's taken on a bigger role and is more involved.

Whew, that was rambly. :O Hoping you figure it all out, soon! :heart

[Beauty4Ashes]

Ds2 has been sleeping a bit better lately, still not sleeping through the night like he used to, but at least I'm getting some rest. I'm kind of tired of sleeping in a separate room from dh with ds2, though. It helps that dh has been the one to get ds2 to sleep, at least that's one less thing for me to do. Ds2 fell asleep on dh's chest and took a nap, and he's been asking more for his daddy, so dh is really happy about that. For a while there, ds2 would only come to me. I'm still not sure what's going on with him--it's like maybe his stomach is bothering him, cramps or something. Or he's getting used to me being next to him all night, I wish I knew. He's always been a light sleeper, but now it's over the top.