When do you keep family members from seeing/babysitting your kids?

[TuneMyHeart]

I know some people who won't let grandparents see their kids because they're mad at them for petty reasons. That seems ridiculous to me. :/ When do you think it's appropriate to completely keep them from seeing your kids? What about babysitting?

Obviously safety issues are a big reason, but what about feeding them inappropriate things (too much junk, soda, etc.). What about when that person is just being a pain, or making impossible demands on your family? How do you decide?

I feel like the more some family members are able to visit with Ellie, the more demanding they are in other areas. But I don't think it's fair to Ellie or the grandparents to not let them see her, unless they're doing something inappropriate in front of her (which they're not when we're around).

[RubySlippers]

:think
I have to feel safe and comfy with anyone who wants to watch my children.
If I don' t feel safe, even just emotionally safe with them, they will not have access to my kids.
Furthermore, I have issues with anyone who attempts to use my child(ren) to control me.

[mamaKristin]

*I* don't let family (or others) babysit when they don't respect our parenting or respect our children.

That said, that can and does cover a lot of ground. Like safety issues - car seat use, food (I have a child with food sensitivities)and things like discipline - spanking for example. Respecting our children covers things like my sister wanting to babysit my oldest and take him out to show off to her friends at a restaurant at 9pm. Ya, that wasn't gonna happen. Not 'letting' her do that made her mad, but it was a boundary I was going to set.

[blessedwithboys]

I know some people who won't let grandparents see their kids because they're mad at them for petty reasons. That seems ridiculous to me. :/


Y'know, my IL's have limited access to my kids (with us around only). It's not for petty reasons at all, but I don't typically share all the reasons with everyone I meet, or even all of my friends. It probably looks petty to outsiders, but I assure you that it's not. :(

FWIW most people only have access to my kids with me or dh present. I don't do a lot of dropping them off anyway. :shrug

[Moon]

My inlaws aren't around our kids without us there, period. No exceptions. It'd take too long to type up all the reasons, frankly my kids are more important to me than catering to rude people who don't respect boundaries. The only reason I tolerate those people at all is because of hub's attachment to them. (I don't have parents)

It's not my job to foster that relationship though, I can't change the type of grandparents they are. Due to their own actions only one of my four care to be around them much at all, they other three could take them or leave them. The week before I know we'll see them we practice our conflict resolution skills and firmly enforcing personal boundaries. For my kids benefit as well as my own. :shifty

If they were making impossible demands I would speak up quickly. Firm boundaries need to be in place and enforced, they'll simply have to work around them. :shrug You don't have to be accessible any time they feel like it for them to have a good relationship with your children.

Extra sweets doesn't really bother me, so long as it's on a treat basis and not all the time. In our case we've had to ban all food gifts though, as they seem to think sweets and treats don't have to go by our kids' strict dietary needs. We've explained those diet restrictions and what happens until we're blue in the face. They don't care.

[WanderingJuniper]

When my SIL allowed my infant son to scream the entire time he was there after we had told her that if it didn't stop to call us! Oh, that was also the same time she paddled my then 4 year old for having a potty accident. Ugh, I didn't know they didn't have a light in their stairway/hallway that goes to the bathroom. Of course she was going to have an accident. She's scared of the dark! That was the last time we allowed her to watch our children. We see her about twice a year but my husband or I are always in the same room as our children if we are at her house. It simply is not safe for small children to be their, and their dog tends to bite. My. . . I could go on now that I look back.

[ellies mom]

We really don't have that problem because we live 600 miles away from our immediate families and even further from our extended families. We don't leave Ellie with our family members because she simply doesn't know them well enough to feel comfortable about us not being there. I would feel very comfortable leaving Ellie with my parents because they know how we parent and not only respect it but approve. My brother and sister would probably be fine also. Neither of them really spanked their children so that at least isn't an issue. I would feel much less comfortable with MIL or SIL watching Ellie. My MIL because she is very negative and I don't trust her judgment (not spanking wise but in general) and my SIL because she has zero experience with children and never even held Ellie as a infant.

As far as limiting access, we really don't see them enough for it to be an issue. I could see it being a problem if we lived closer to my MIL simply because as I said she is negative and passive-aggressive and I don't want my daughter to have to deal with that on a constant basis. As far as following our rules, I trust my parents to follow the biggies and spoil her on the minor ones, which is fine because it would be more of a treat than an everyday occurrence and I think there can be some leeway there for loving grandparents, especially since my parents do not undermine my parenting as a rule.

[Rabbit]

My mother is unhealthy emotionally and mentally. She and my father cannot have the relationship they want with my children. (They think I invented allergies as an excuse for poor parenting, and poor parenting is anything that doesn't involve clear punishment.) That's horribly unfair to my daughter. But it's not -my- fault. I can't make my mother be healthy or force my father to show grace. Their behaviour is their choice.

I'm respectful to my mother, and try to manage what boundaried contact I allow as nonconfrontationally, politely, and subtly as possible, so as not to stir up unnecessary trouble or bad feelings, but when it comes right down to it, my daughter is my responsibility, and I will honor that responsibility at all costs.

[Teribear]

My MIL/FIL keep DD on a regular basis. My Mom/Dad take her for days or weeks at a time. I have no concern with how they will care for her and treat her so they get pretty much all the contact she wants. My SIL wants desperately to have DD come visit her in TX...that will NOT be happening. No way. She is a functioning alcoholic and I do not trust her judgment and she has stated several times that DD can do X that mom and dad won't allow when she with Aunt N. Not happening. No way. No how. Not ever. I don't allow DD around her at all without DH or I present.

Here's the deal. NO ONE has a "RIGHT" to be in contact with my child that wasn't involved in her procreation. The rest of the world has to have my and/or DH's permission to be an influence on the child God blessed us with and gave us to raise. :shrug

[AdrienneQW]

My mom and MIL have carte blanche when it comes to the kids because they've shown they deserve it - they're willing to respect our parenting choices, and I trust them completely to keep my DC safe. One of my sisters (who lives with my mom) takes my kids places (museum, park) but I wouldn't ask her to care for them for an extended period of time - or even overnight - because she is easily overwhelmed by the daily tasks of caring for more than one child. She's never done anything *bad* and I certainly don't fault her, it's just not something I would ask her to do unless it's an emergency situation - trying to be mindful and respectful of her capabilities and preferences.

That's all I'll say since this is a public forum. :shifty But I wholeheartedly agree with Teribear:

Here's the deal. NO ONE has a "RIGHT" to be in contact with my child that wasn't involved in her procreation. The rest of the world has to have my and/or DH's permission to be an influence on the child God blessed us with and gave us to raise. :shrug

[Soliloquy]

The grandparents have pretty free access to visit us--but not babysit. DH and I agree on that completely. I could go into detail, but suffice it to say that MIL doesn't agree w/ our discipline philosophy and would might try to prove her way was right. My mom just has no recollection about how much supervision a young toddler needs--I would be concerned about Simon's safety--seriously. That and she isn't very sensitive to Gracie's needs (which can be intense).

I've always been baffled by grandparents who sue for grandparents rights. While every situation is different, granted--IMO, if the grandparents' relationship w/ their adult children is so awful that the adult children have banned them from the grandkids--the burden is on the grandparents, IMO. The burden of the parent-child relationship lies with the parents. This doesn't excuse horrid behavior on the part of the adult child, but that distrust didn't just pop out of nowhere--90% of the time it started when the adult child was young, I believe. :bheart

[Lila]

I've always been baffled by grandparents who sue for grandparents rights. While every situation is different, granted--IMO, if the grandparents' relationship w/ their adult children is so awful that the adult children have banned them from the grandkids--the burden is on the grandparents, IMO. The burden of the parent-child relationship lies with the parents. This doesn't excuse horrid behavior on the part of the adult child, but that distrust didn't just pop out of nowhere--90% of the time it started when the adult child was young, I believe. :bheart


Off topic, but I think a lot of these cases stem from the parents getting divorced and then the mother refuses to allow the paternal grandparents access :shrug

[CapeTownMommy]

We are truly blessed to have two sets of grandparents who really care for us and dd and who (mostly, anyway) respect our parenting choices.

I would refuse a grandparent all access to the child only if I believe continued access will be really detrimental to the child - for example, a grandparent who is verbally abusive (physically is a no-brainer, of course). As for babysitting: if I ever have reason to believe a grandparent will discipline in a way that I find unacceptable, I will not let them babysit. This is a bridge we may still have to cross - I have mentioned to both sets of grandparents that we don't plan to spank, and MIL is totally fine with it. In fact, she says she spanked because she didn't know better, and if she had kids now she wouldn't spank them - dh was spanked maybe 10 times in total. My parents on the other hand still believe in spanking, and when I said we weren't going to spank they said something along the lines of "sometimes you have no other choice". So if my parents give any indication that they'll spank dd if she misbehaves, they won't get to babysit.

As for junk food etc. - if I repeatedly tell a grandparent that dd is not to have, say, soda, and they continue to give it to her, I would tell them that it's a condition of them getting to spend time alone with dd. If they can't respect my healthy food choices for her, I can't trust them to respect the other good choices that I've made for her (including discipline etc.).

[TuneMyHeart]

Y'know, my IL's have limited access to my kids (with us around only).  It's not for petty reasons at all, but I don't typically share all the reasons with everyone I meet, or even all of my friends.  It probably looks petty to outsiders, but I assure you that it's not. 

I'm sure your reasons aren't petty. :no2  I have friends whose reasons truly are petty, and then the friend will keep her kids away from their grandparents to "punish" the grandparent.  Very immature, TBH.

I'm so sorry some of your families doesn't respect your kid's allergies. :mad  We've been through ED's with Ellie, and it was so frustrating when we'd visit family.  They just think you're crazy. :rolleyes

[mamaKristin]

We recently started leaving Ellie with the IL's for a couple of hours. Ellie had fun and MIL enjoyed having her. But MIL has no respect for me. She'll say one thing to my face, then do something completely different behind my back (I know this because friends and family have seen it happen)

It may be time for your DH to have a chat with his mom about respecting you both as parents, and respecting your choices about your child. If you are questioning her respect for you, it may be worth working on that now before it turns into a bad scene with hurt feelings all around.

[Lantern Light Mama]

When they dont use carseats.
When they tell me I should be spanking them.
When they feed them food they are allergic too.

[mammal_mama]

:think
I have to feel safe and comfy with anyone who wants to watch my children.
If I don' t feel safe, even just emotionally safe with them, they will not have access to my kids.
Furthermore, I have issues with anyone who attempts to use my child(ren) to control me.


That's my outlook, too!

Sadly, there are very few friends (and no blood relatives) with whom we have that safe and comfy feeling. I mean sadly for our relatives, some of whom would like one-on-one time with our children. They've broken our trust too many times. But it's not really sad for dh and me, 'cause we truly feel no need to leave our children with anyone.

My oldest is getting to the place where she'd like more of a network of relationships. I wish we could provide that through blood relationships, but since we can't, we're hopeful that we can build up a network of spiritual family.

[Heather Micaela]

This board is too public for too much info. But the the fact that MIL disrepects *me* means she disrepects the family, and I will not tolerate her opinions being shared with the kids, nor her other issues that concern me. We visit in public places and that is all.

My parents may not always agree, but they respect how we parent. They see the kids almost daily. We try not to have them babysit much just because we dont want to take them for granted, (And my dad get frustrated after a while) but they do an awesome job.

[Lantern Light Mama]

Maybe im lucky my in-laws don't care. Yes, I agree this is a very public page, and I have it linked to my space. Can you imagine the reaction if they read this? Oh well!

[Praise]

Oops! Forgot this was a public forum! :doh

[TestifyToLove]

My father may see the children whenever he wants, but in our precense. We've thrice had to get between him and a toddler he was attempting to spank. And, while he *now* says he doesn't spank, and I do forgive him for my childhood, I won't leave my children with him alone. He's fine with that. He doesn't want to be left with young children alone anyway.

My mother is unhealthy, and has lost the right to all relationship with myself and my children. I won't go into details about her, but suffice it to say it was a very hard decision to make, and it took far more years to make than it should have.

MIL now has full access to the children. In the past, there were times when we did have to limit her unsupervised contact with the children because she wasn't respecting our choices as their grandparents. The most significant issue was when she was verbally berating or heavily spanking her own children in front of our children. But, she has accepted that we are the parents and its her job as grandmother to respect our boundaries. And, we've accept that some spoiling from Grandmothers is acceptable, expected and part of growing up with loving grandparents. Sadly, while we would happily allow unfettered access between MIL and the children, its not possible. She lives halfway across the country and hasn't seen them since L was born 14 months ago. We're trying to find a way to come up with funds to allow her to travel here to visit the grandchildren again. And, we've been begging her for a year to move locally. But, unless the location situation changes, she's an infrequent physical precense in the children's lives but calls them as frequently as she can with a busy life with 4 young children in her own home. (And, that's the dynamic when the son you had as a teen mom grows up and is having grandchildren while you have remarried and built your own young family in your 40s.)

[railyuh]

I'm sure my MIL thinks our reasons are petty and ridiculous, but DH and I agree fully on this issue. We don't limit my ILs access to see DS (although we live so far away now that the distance makes it difficult anyway), but after allowing MIL to watch DS one time we will never let her watch him again. We found out a week or so after we left DS with her that there was a very unsafe situation in her house that she knew about at the time and did not tell us about it. I was livid when I found out she kept this info from us and that we left our son in that home in that situation (she told us on her own the next week when we were back at home). She thinks it shouldn't be a problem because nothing happened, but she doesn't get that something could have happened. Honestly, if she could've just admitted that she made a mistake and was wrong then maybe I could think about the possibility of trusting her in the future, but the total denial of any responsibility was proof to me that she is not someone I can trust to watch my child. As DH says, when it comes to matters of safety, you don't always get a second chance. We are lucky that nothing happened to DS that time, but now we feel like we can't trust her since she witheld really important info from us that was dangerous.

I agree with the mindset that no one other than the mother and father have a RIGHT to a child. I am not going to leave my DS with someone I'm not comfortable with or someone I can't trust. And maybe sometimes those reasons are petty in some people's opinions, but it's also my child and my responsibility to keep him safe and healthy. The next time we visit the ILs I won't let DS out of my sight, even for a moment. I don't want to keep them from seeing him, but I don't have to allow her to be alone with my son just because she thinks it is her right (and she definitely does, she told me that I am taking her grandson away, to which I responded that I am not taking him away from her, she's the one that made those choices so the responsibility for this lies with her-if she would make different choices the situation could be different).

[Wonder Woman]

well...being as how this is a public forum and all...;)

Let's just say that I have very, very valid reasons for not leaving my son alone with the people I won't leave him alone with.

People I don't share things with, or people who only know others side of the story, think we're being petty or punishing, or even worse, Liberal. :giggle

:shrug

However, God gave my son to ME and my DH to raise. And bottom line, if I don't feel he's safe with someone, they don't get him. I couldn't live with myself if I put him in an unsafe situation deliberately and something happened to him :shiver

[tempus vernum]

Our IL's and my parents are welcome to hang with our children while we are there. My parents are welcome to have the children alone under very specific circumstances (i.e. when my brother is not with them). My brother only is allowed to be around our children with dh or I's supervision.

Neither babysits unless it's my father during the day when my brother is in school.

We have very good, strong reasons and they aren't petty. I think often times people's reasons *seem* petty but if someone is doing something to "hurt" another, chances are they learned the passive agressive behavior at home and don't want their child exposed to it. Even if they don't know how to stop it themselves. :bheart Very sad situation.

[veggie_mum]

I'm fairly confident that dh's extended family and friends of my ILs believe that we are petty in our reasons for limiting their access to ds, but tbh that's because they only know one side of the story. My ILs have serious boundry issues and seem to think that they still have the right to tell dh what he should do in X situation. My MIL is unable to be a grandmother...she's often trying to intervene in situations where it's really best she left it up to us. As such we choose not to allow them the kind of access we give to my parents. That being said, we live quite a distance away from my ILs so that makes that issue a little bit easier. I don't know what we're going to do when ds is more verbal. I'm certain they'll feel left out, but we still wouldn't put my ILs wants above what we feel is best for our child.

Of course I've also never had a very good relationship with the ILs - especially since both FIL and MIL tried to discourage dh from getting into a relationship with me. I still don't believe they think he should have married me and would really rather he had married someone else. That's also probably why I have a hard time being more willing to allow them greater access to ds in light of that.

[HummusDip]

:think
I have to feel safe and comfy with anyone who wants to watch my children.
If I don' t feel safe, even just emotionally safe with them, they will not have access to my kids.
Furthermore, I have issues with anyone who attempts to use my child(ren) to control me.


:yes For me to feel safe with someone babysitting or spending time with my children, they have to keep my children in a safe environment and respect my wishes as their parent. That means no soda, HFCS, dyes, or any other things that we have explained that we don't wish our children to have. I will even provide the food! If they continue to disrespect that, then a talk is in order. And if they refuse to go along with it, then unfortunetly I wouldn't let them baybsit the kids. They would have to see them around us, where we can monitor it.

Unfortunetly I don't feel comfortable with my dd being alone with my mother at this moment because I feel she's emotionally unstable and doing things like smoking and then holding and kissing up against my child. The nonstop cussing is bad enough. Thankfully, she's great with the food thing though. A talking is in order and if the things I'm worried about can't be dealt with and put me at ease, then she will only be able to spend time with my dd with me around, so I can monitor the situation and take her out it when needed.

[LadybugSam]

for me its the other way around. My family is not automatically entitled to be a babysitter. ANYBODY who wants to watch my son needs to prove themselves first, being a blood relitive has nothing to do with it.

That being said, DH's parents are the ones who watch Caleb all the time. They have shown us that they are responsible enough to watch him,a nd will respect my parenting decisions. My mom would respect my decisions but has an anxiety disorder and is bi-polar, so it wouldn't work out too well for either one of them. My dad is...my dad, and he's out. He's just way too punitive and too self righteous to respect my wishes as a parent. I do try to have my son SEE his family often, but i'm less inclined to visit family members who are going to be drunk when i get there or who don't respect my bounderies. If the relationship is not healthy, we limit our time with those people but we would NEVER cut those people out of our lives, we would just limit exposure to the toxic people in our lives. Maybe sending cards and letters instead of spending the weekend over at thier house, ya know?

[Love]

This was a total hot topic in our family.

I happen to agree with Dr. Laura on this one, when she says basicly- if they are just annoying or weird, you should put up with them, but if they are harmful or dangerous, you need to keep your DC away from them. It's all about the DC.

Anyway, in our family, we have my parents- who would let our DC look at soft-core porn, be around very drunk people, watch R-rated movies with awful violence, sit in their laps in vechicals with no car seats and help drive, make racist remarks, hit other adults, throw things and scream in front of them, told DC we were in a cult (a normal Christian church), and that we were brain-washing them and that God wasn't real, I could go on all day... Then (and I am a mother married to the father of our own natural children) they tried to sue us for grandparents rights. They don't see our DC, and haven't in going on five years. If they had won grandparents rights, we would have left the country.

On DH's side, his dad showed our DC porn videos, and his granddaughter that lives with him and sleeps with him has been physically molested bad enough that it was visable to the naked eye, and had DCFS involved. DH's mom was there when he showed my DC the videos and said she 'kept an eye on things.' :hunh So FIL doesn't see our DC either, although he has talked to them on the phone very very occasionially. MIL still sees them in our home with us right there.

The only good thing I can say, is all this happened before our oldest was four, so hopefully it was forgotten or will be by our DC, and we moved far away and are rasing our DC totally the right way now, without interference. :yes It is a great feeling. Praise God!

IME, most parents who don't allow their Dc around certain people for 'petty' reasons, actually have very good solid reasons, they just don't want to tell them to everyone, yk?

I would have been thrilled with grandparents who simply gave my DC too much sugar and too many cartoons and obnoxious toys! (Well, thankfully, we have adopted grandparents/family here who do just that. :P~)

[LeeDee]

I won't let my in laws babysit. During visits we always keep a close eye on the kids.

They're both under police investigation for child abuse right now, and FIL has had various court cases and allegations against him for behaving inappropriately towards children. Needless to say we have extremely different views on parenting!
Of course, I'd find it much easier to just say forget it, lets cut them out of our lives and never see them. But they love the girls, and the girls love them. I don't feel it's my place at all to interfere in their relationship or take that away from them. It just wouldn't be right.

I'd think to stop kids seeing their grandparents at all it would have to be something very very serious to justify it. Otherwise, supervised visits are always a good way to go.

And I find it really important to never complain about them or talk bad about them in front of the kids. I know how much I hated hearing my mum talk about about my grandparents, who I'm sure were difficult as in-laws but they were great as grandparents. I adored them.

[Auroras mom]

This board is too public for too much info. But the the fact that MIL disrepects *me* means she disrepects the family, and I will not tolerate her opinions being shared with the kids, nor her other issues that concern me.



This is pretty much our situation, except that she lives far away and no longer comes for visits (which makes me sad for her and DD, really).

[AKCristyMJ]

Boy, it's a tough topic.

1 because I grew up without contact with all my relatives and a lotta disagreement between them that they "thought" us kids weren't aware of or hurt by.
And 2 because I let my parents do so much, they were by far the luckiest grandparents ever, we were very open and trusting with them and well it blew up in our face.
My mom sends a note to my dd's school calls it "none of my buisness" then calls child services accusing my dh of raping dd based on 1 conversation had with her about a shirt which ofcource put our dd through hell and hours of questions, poor girl, just about butchered the relationship she and my dh had had meanwhile my parents still love pretending they had nothing to do with the sexabuse claim and the stress and trauma brought on dd by my mom for weeks afterwards. Etc
And THEN after all that my parents say they never wanna see us 5 again after my dh finnaly recommended boundaries or else we all go get family therapy. Meanwhile they act brain dead on just how hugely hurtfull this was to us 5 and so still send insane cards to my dc we must throw away.

LOL it would seem I am living proof of how it can go wrong both ways.
It can be really awfull on your dc growing up with no one getting along with their "blood". They lose the meaning of family and dealing with differences and healthy ways to disagree. They lose the chance to see the World through other family members eyes. And I gurantee this will affect how they deal with you and their inlaws and dc family when they are adults. :yes guranteed!
They'll have little idea how to set healthy boundaries and when to do so. :yes2

And I'm obviouslly living proof of when and why family can go too far and why limits and boundaries need to be ensured from the start.

The hard part is figuring out when and how TO make boundaries while still valuring the immensly vital role family plays to your dc. AND keeping the issues and stuff away from your dc and still showing your love of family.

I will never support anyone choosing to keep their dc away from family members based soley on disagreement.
If your dc has been abused in anyway that is 1 thing.

A lot has been said on this topic by virtually every Shrink and child exspert.
Family relatives play a vital role.
Showing your kids that yes even you have to still get along with your sister as adults, that even you still should love and "turn the other cheek" even as an adult, that it is ok to disagree even disagree a lot but family sticks together. Etc. Are very important.
Child pyscholiogists seem to get that. But yeah it is hard dealing with all the many differences family is.

I certainly agree too it is vital to not just hand dc over to any family member anytime they desire without boundaries. :yes2

What I am always firmly against tho is removing your dc from their life entirely.

[Codi]

We went through a period of time where we did not see my in laws for about 3 months. My son was about 7 months old or so when we finally reached our limit with them.

From day one, my MIL felt VERY controlling. To name a few examples, when we wouldnt put our 4 week old in a car seat, and drive for 20 minutes while he screamed, she accused us of keeping him from her. In the same week, she physically picked up my sleeping baby out of my arms and layed him on the other end of the couch from me and said, "You dont have to hold him ALL THE TIME! He's ok down here." They would always try to wake my sleeping baby to see him, smoke and hold him on their horrible smelling clothes, etc...One day after getting mad while visiting us at our house there was a bit of a blow up, where my in-laws basically told us we didnt know what we were doing as parents and how everyone thought we were doing it wrong, etc...and we didnt see them for several months after that.

To us, it came down to blatent disrespect for us as a family and our wishes for our child. My stomache got butterflies every time we went over there thinking about what they might say or do this time to make me uncomfortable. I cried after leaving there several times. If someone is causing your family that much strife, it is unhealthy. I think most importantly is you, your spouse, and your children. If you arent happy, how can you be the best mom and wife you can be? At the end of the day, extended family is very important, but not more important that you and your attachment and happiness with your own husband and children.

For us, we do not let anyone baby site. Havn't once. Just dont see the need. We are a constant contact family and love it this way!

Oh, BTW.....our relationship with my in laws is better than ever! I am enjoying them now more than ever before!! We reconciled and had a huge talk. We can see that they respect us as parents and a family now...and I think it had a lot to do with us standing up for ourselves, our beliefs and our family.