Mother in law issues!!

[Granola_mom]

Hi... this is partially a vent and the other part a geniune need to know if I'm in the wrong.....by opinion of course......
(Backround) DH's dad and step-mom are not Christians..at least not the kind of Christian the bible speaks about, or the born-again type)....they go to Unity of Phoenix....very very new age, the beliefs include; no sin, Christ is brother/teacher, all "gods" looked at...many mind over matter things, like I create my own scenarios... ..(I used to attend, when husband and I dated, what I found about it was lots of meditation and eerie quiet, an upbeat humorous message, but no WORD, just psycology, and everyother religions' take of life)) So anyways, much stress has arisen over the rifts in our beliefs.
The main problem is I don't trust them, I love them, and have a great "social" time with them, but I certainly don't want my children to pick up on their lifestyle, so Dh and I have limited kiddos time with them... only to give them more fire about wanting more "alone time" with the kids....they always request just them(kids) and not us (DH and I). Like this week they want to take Noah to a waterpark and later this week to a baseball game..... I thought the waterpark was a great idea, sounds like fun, but I know I'm not invited!! I told MIL, DH would want to go to the baseball game too, she said very clearly He is NOT invited. :mad I got mad.....why??? I wonder why can't he go too????? What's the stinking problem!!!!!..... This is how every invitation to go out and "play" as they call it, is. No parents!!! It really upsets me, because for one, alot of there friends are homosexual, not that their friends would be going along, but that's IS their social circle....seriously... They don't follow Jesus, and every time I talk with MIL it's like she tries to make me feel stupid and uneducated about the decisions I make...especially dealing with the kiddos. A lot of fights have occured and been resolved, we've spents lots of time with them, hoping to sow a seed or two....so far nothing has taken, I'm really not wanting the kiddos to spend "alone" time with them. But on the other hand I don't want to withhold them from their grandkids....... it's a real frustration. So I'm wondering if I blowing this out of proportion or if any of your have similar situations. Please write back and give me some advice!!!

[The Tickle Momster]

Trust your momma instincts. I think the water park or ball game would be great, as long as you are invited. Your children are still young and do not need to have 'alone' time with grandma unless/until you feel they are ready, if ever.

[Piper2]

No experience with children, but my x-FIL was into Unity and the like (he was also a BIG fan of L. Ron Hubbard...tried to get me to read one of his books every time we visited). From what I remember, it was very much "it's sin if you think it's sin, but if you're OK with it, it's not". I remember when xh and I were dating, he mentioned his dad going to his church on Easter Sunday, and I asked him if they didn't believe Jesus was the Son of God, what were they celebrating? He said they believed Jesus rose from the dead, but it was because He had attained some higher degree of consciousness, or something like that, and we could all do it if we medicated enough, or some such nonsense. :scratch His dad used to ask him why in the world he would want to believe in such a "vengeful God", too. And I remember the night we got engaged (I was in college, and he called me from FL and proposed over the phone at 3 in the morning), his dad got on the phone and asked if he could pray for us. He started praying to "Mother and Father God", and I just kinda zoned out and waited for him to finish (they were both drunk at the time, too, but I was too stupid to recognize it at the time).

Before we got married, x-FIL sent me a gift subscription to Unity's monthly magazine (didn't tell me ahead of time...I just started getting them with a letter saying it was from him). I didn't want any part of it, so I kept refusing them...the woman at the college post office must have thought I was a total heathen for constantly sending back these "Christian" magazines. :P But it didn't matter how many I sent back or what I wrote on them, I kept getting them. Then somebody told me that they didn't like the name of Jesus -- or at least they didn't hold it in as high esteem as we did. So I went to the local Christian bookstore and bought as many big, bright, slightly obnoxious "Jesus" stickers I could find, typed up as nice a letter as I could asking them to cancel the subscription and just covered it with the stickers (didn't put any on the envelope so they wouldn't automatically toss it). I never got another magazine. :mrgreen I never mentioned to x-FIL that I'd even started receiving the magazines, and he never asked me about them, so I didn't mention that I'd cancelled the subscription, either.

But about your situation...apart from their religion, I would be suspicious that they refuse to allow at least one of you to come along on their "outings" with your children. What is it that they want to do that they can't have you there to see? :scratch My parents would love to have more time with Kevin, but they've never forbidden us to be there (I wouldn't let him alone with them anyway because I don't trust my mother not to spank him). I got to spend lots of time with my grandparents when I was young, but at least one parent was always "around", and I don't feel like I was deprived one bit.

[Susan K]

I would feel very uncomfortable letting my dc go were my dh was not invited. After all he is there son. It sounds odd to me.
Susan

[Joanne]

UU "faith" and more liberal lifestyle would not, in and of itself bother me. There are plenty of people I know personally that I would allow my kids to spend copious amounts of time with who are unitarian/liberal. :shrug

The rest of the situation would bother me. I'm not sure if their boundaries are messed up, if they feel the need to rescue your kids from what they perceive is a dangerous viewpoint from your end or they are evangelistic (which is truly rare for authentic UU). Regardless, to want the kids unsupervised and not welcome your company is odd and concerning.

With the support and backing of your husband, I'd tell them something like:

"This is not open for discussion or debateable. We'd like for you to have a relationship with the kids, but for the foreseeable future, that relationship will need to be developed in our company or not at all."

[blessedwithboys]

My IL's have been absolutely insistent on taking ds and being away from us. MIL actually gets excited about days that we will not be attending church b/c she is dying to take ds by herself (we go to the same church :scratch).

Our solution? We're moving 6 hours away. :shrug :/

[Piper2]

Just for clarification, Unitarian is different from Unity (as in Unity School of Christianity), which is what I understand the OP's ILs are involved in. :)

[Granola_mom]

UU "faith" and more liberal lifestyle would not, in and of itself bother me.
"
They are not Unitarian, they go to Unity of Phoenix which is most like a gathering of all religions, or close to Christian science...definitely not Unitarian. I just scrolled down and saw someone else wrote this too....but I'll post anyways.

[Granola_mom]

My IL's have been absolutely insistent on taking ds and being away from us. MIL actually gets excited about days that we will not be attending church b/c she is dying to take ds by herself (we go to the same church :scratch).

Our solution? We're moving 6 hours away. :shrug :/

They also ask all the time about taking the older on out of state trips!!!!! But if they were Christian AND AP I would be ok with it :)......

[ShiriChayim]

It's hard to comment without knowing the IL's personally (They could be weird but harmless), but I'd say that anytime someone starts insisting that they get time with my children without me, it's sends big reg flags to me. The fact that your husband is also uncomfortable sends even bigger reg flags to me.

As far as their beliefs go, the new age stuff would make me pretty uncomfortable. IME, when my sister started making some pretty bad religious choices, I told her that I loved her, that I didn't like her choices, and that for the protection of my children, I needed to draw the boundary that it NEVER came into my home or around my children. I know it's a little different with parents and IL's, but whatever boundaries you and your husband feel the need to make, do so!

[Marsha]

Not much to add cause for me it would depend on other things than religion but overall relationship (which I gather is also a red flag in your case). I just remember driving past that church so many times when we didn't go to church and I loved that it was called "practical Christianity". We went there one time to listen to some Buddhist, but we never actually went there for worship or assembly or whatever they call it.
It is WAY New Age and woo-woo though. Scary stuff, really.

[railyuh]

I think even aside from the whole religious concern, the way they are so insistent about their alone time with your children is worrisome. My MIL is the same way. She says that she's only got to spend 1.5hrs with DS in his entire life because she only counts time when she was alone with him and we were not in the house as well. Even being in a different room isn't enough for her. So let's ignore the fact that we actually left DS in her care for about 2 hrs, not 1.5, and the fact that a few weeks after this we found out that BIL who was living in her house at the time was using drugs in the house and she knew it at the time but didn't tell us..but just the fact that she feels like she doesn't get enough time with DS and she won't count time unless it's alone time, and the fact that she has to count time at all is enough to make me decide not to leave DS in her care. We've tried explaining to her that she has spent more time with DS than any other family member (because she visits frequently, or used to anyway)--but that doesn't matter. She's grandma and has a right to DS and she deserves time alone with him and we are keeping her from him, etc.

The way I see it is that I am not witholding their grandchild from them, but because of their actions they are excluding themselves from his life. I have no problem with them visiting whenever they want to and spending time with him, but I have no obligation to let them be alone together. Honestly, I think it's creepy that someone, even a close relative, demands time alone with a child or purposely excludes the parents.

Bottom line is, if you are not comfortable with it TRUST YOUR GUT and don't let it happen. Protecting the Gift by Gavin DeBecker is an excellent book about trusting your instincts as a parent. You are not keeping their grandchildren from them. They are welcome to take the grandchildren to the water park or the baseball game, etc., they just aren't welcome to do it alone.

In the future when she asks to take your children somewhere, I would just say, "That sounds great, we'd all love to go to the water park with you." And then when she uninvites you and DH, I would say, "That is not going to work for us, we're a package deal."

She may not like it, but if she truly wants to be with her grandchildren she'll have to let go and let you be the parents. Grandparents don't get to make the decisions for us! We can take their advice and suggestions and requests, but we don't have to comply!

trust yourself mama.

[Granola_mom]

In the future when she asks to take your children somewhere, I would just say, "That sounds great, we'd all love to go to the water park with you." And then when she uninvites you and DH, I would say, "That is not going to work for us, we're a package deal."


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