Feeling desperate -- bedtime takes FOREVER

[LovingJesus]

Does anyone have any suggestions for a 20-month-old who takes at least an hour every night to fall asleep? We do pajamas, then nurse (she'll nurse to sleep for a nap but not at night for some reason), then read a book, then put her in her bed (a playpen by our bed)I feel like part of my problem is that I can't seem to be consistent on what I do after that, because I just can't figure out what works. I have tried staying, not staying (b/c I wonder if my presence is distracting her from falling asleep), playing soft music, giving her homeopathic sleep remedy, rubbing her back, sitting in the room reading, getting a chiropractic adjustment, taking her for a walk before bedtime, giving her a drink, etc. etc. etc. Basically, if I'm sitting by her bed where she can see me, she wants to talk, sing, etc. If I leave the room, she cries. ArghhH! Usually I end up giving up after an hour or so and send my husband in (for some reason he is more effective than I am, but it still takes awhile). Note that I have 2 other children who also need my attention, a kitchen with dirty dishes, and a need for some time to myself or with my husband at night. If this is just a phase, hopefully it will pass soon and I will just accept His grace for the time being. However, this has gone on for over two months now with no change. .

By the way, her schedule is usually someth8ihg like this: Wake up: 7:30 a.m. Nap: 12:30-3:30 p.m. Start bedtime: 8:00 p.m.Fall asleep 9:00-10:00 pm.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts y'all may have ... I really appreciate it! None of my friends locally seem to have this issue ...

[Aisling]

Why not let dh take over if it seems to work well? :)

[AmyDoll]

:yes My dh does bedtime with our older son - they started around that age. I'm a big fan of daddy's doing bedtime. Mom is so involved in the other parts of the children's lives - it gives dad a chance to have a routine with the kids and bond in a really special way. I have very fond memories of my dad putting me to bed.

[ArmsOfLove]

why not have your dh do bedtime? If he's more effective at it maybe he brings something to the mix that she needs to relax at night :shrug

[LovingJesus]

Yes, you all are right it does make more sense for him to do it, and he often does. The thing is, even he runs out of gas sometimes because it still takes quite a while (like tonight; he is still in there at 10 PM!), and also, if he has to be out at night, woe is me. :scratch It just makes me dread the evening time, and I guess it's partly the blow to my confidence as a mother, not being able to do this effectively, or to have a good routine that works for us. I almost feel like a poster child for the CIO people -- here I am encouraging my new-mom friends to parnet their babies to sleep gently and yet I have to admit that our "method" is plainly not working for us right now....

It puzzles me that she will nurse down for a 3-hour nap w/o any problem in the afternoon, but bedtime is such a mystery.

[AmyDoll]

have you tried an earlier bedtime? maybe you are missing your *window*

[LovingJesus]

OK, I'm back again after giving it a few more nights. I am consistently having DH do bedtime, and I thought tonight would go better b/c she didn't nap as long -- only two hours. BUT, she has been screaming in there for an hour with DH. Really hard to listen to! We can't figure out what's going on. She woke up at 2:30 from her nap, so 7:30 should have been a good bedtime, right? But this is worse than usual -- even when it takes a long time, it's not usually continuous wailing ...

So perplexed ...

[Soliloquy]

Aww, poor thing. IMO if she doesn't fall asleep until 9 or 10 then don't try until 9 or 10--at least for a few days and see how it goes. When Gracie was that age it took her a loooooooooong time, too. 45 minutes was typical and a rough night was 2 hours. She did outgrow it and we got through it. I know it's tough. The good news is that now Gracie falls asleep in 10 minutes or less. :tu

Have you read The NCSS for Toddlers?

This really helps my kids when they can't sleep:
http://herbsforkids.com/product.asp?productid=377

[puah]

both of our kids learned to fall asleep alone at that age and it went much better wihtout us in there. i know many kids need a parent in there till they are much older, but for us, that was the key. here's our stories:
with dd i was 8 mos pg and and daddy had taken over bedtime and it was taking a long time, like you said, so we decided to try lying with her for a few minutes, then getting up to check or do something in the room next door and then coming back in to see her for a minute and he would do this till she was asleep, and always came if she called. we gradually increased his time out of the room until she was fine being put to bed and him leaving. she didn't cry in the whole process, so was obviously ready for it, and started going to sleep much faster on her own.

with ds i was still nursing him at bedtime and he was transitioning to sleeping with dd instead of with us. he would nurse, but not fall asleep and then his acrobatics were driving me crazy so one night i decided to just say goodnight after a bit of trying to micromanage their winding down and told him i would be just in the next room if he needed me. he and dd played for a bit and fell asleep :jawdrop just fine on their own the first night and pretty much have ever since. we would close their door and not interfere in their play (it was dark but still they would sometimes really be having a ball in there) and they would almost always be asleep within 30-60 minutes. sometimes we'd find ds slumped over a toy on the other side of the room but happily asleep. :giggle

with both of them i was shocked at how ready they were and how easily it happened and i alsmot didn't even try because i didn't think there was any way they might be ready. but dh was so wise in encouraging me to just try it...if they fought it or cried we would of course go in so what harm was there in trying?

[LovingJesus]

I may try that herbal thing ... thanks for the recommendation. I have about given up trying to pinpoint the perfect bedtime ... we tried two different times tonight and neither one was smooth. And yes, I am reading NCSS for Toddlers, hoping to shed some light ...

When you put the siblings in together, did it take awhile for them to adjust? When we've tried that they (esp. the toddler) seem to get all wound up.

[SansSouci]

I'm visiting this forum for the same issue! But I thought I'd add my own two cents.

My kiddo is 21 months. He won't fall asleep on his own. I've resorted (out of desperation) to driving him to sleep. During the last week we've been purposefully not driving him to sleep, but rather getting him to sleep in daddy's arms in front of a nighttime movie. Tonight I resorted to driving him to sleep again - b/c he just wasn't interested in cooperating with the relaxing this evening. It's so tough, isn't it?

Anyways... about pinpointing a bedtime, I was having the hardest time figuring that out for my kiddo too! Finally, I realized that it didn't really matter what time I put him down to bed, he only sleeps 10 hours! If he falls asleep at 7pm, he's awake at 5am. That is WAY too early for me to wake up happily, so I've been aiming for a 9pm bedtime. Lo and behold, this is working well.

I don't know that I've helped at all, I'm sorry. But, I'm right here with ya! :yawn

[NovelMama]

You poor thing--you sound like me a couple months ago. :) My dd is the same age, and in June I finally started a true bedtime routine since we'd never really had one and it would take FOREVER for her to fall asleep most nights. Here's what I found worked for me:

--bath first. I had been doing them in the morning and was reluctant to move them to nighttime because morning worked so well for us, but I did it because so many people said it helped calm their dc down. I also got some California Baby calming bubble bath which I only use on the nights dd seems really energetic. I also have some California Baby calming massage oil I occasionally use.

--reading multiple books. We have 5 bedtime books, and I read 5 stories, whether that means reading each book once or one book five times or whatever. And they're the same books every single night. I think the consistency, especially at this age, really helps get them into bedtime mode. When she's're older and better able to go to sleep on her own then I'll start letting her choose new books every night, but right now this works for us.

--sitting still while reading. Sometimes dd careens all over the bed like a pinball when I'm reading, so I'll stop and tell her she needs to sit right next to me to keep the story going. I read really softly, too, and only have one lamp on to keep it as dark as possible.

--white noise. We have a whole house fan that is fairly loud, and we run it every night. I think that constant noise helps her--as a baby (and even now) she responded really well to loud "Shhh" noises.

--singing. I sing the exact same four songs every night (Jesus Loves Me, Away in a Manger, Silent Night, and Amazing Grace if you want some ideas!) after we turn out the light and lie down. I will keep singing them until she's asleep. She WILL NOT go down if someone isn't there, so staying until she's asleep is just what we have to do. Also, I lie right next to her and allow her to snuggle me however she wants--usually a hand up my shirt on my breast--and I sing very quietly.

It took a solid month of doing this every single night before I saw an improvement in her sleeping. Now she typically falls asleep before I've even started "Amazing Grace." It sounds like you've tried a ton of things, but I think the key is to stick with one thing and just do it for a month or two. It takes time for them to get used to the routine and for it to start triggering that "Oh yeah, time to go to sleep" process in their little brains. I, too, used to drive dd every night (and every day for her nap) just to get her down, because she wouldn't go down any other way, but then we were in a car accident and didn't have a rental until 2 days later, so I had no choice but to figure out what would work in the bedroom. I'll be honest, it was a very long and frustrating month, but now it's a very smooth process and works like a charm! Good luck!!

[Maggie]

Neither of my kids went to bed easily at that age. I'm probably the odd mom out, but I don't enforce bedtimes until they're older and more able to respond to, "OK, it's time to go to sleep," which has not been at a very young age. We don't really have a good routine, though, so maybe that's it. I wouldn't have Daddy keep doing it if she's screaming. She's still so much a baby.

[puah]

When you put the siblings in together, did it take awhile for them to adjust? When we've tried that they (esp. the toddler) seem to get all wound up.



i forget how long it took. and sometimes they would get a bit wound up, but we just didn't interfere with happy play noises as long as it wasn't super wild or unhappy (then we would go in and help them). sometimes they would play for like an hour. the toddler would often play himself to sleep and we'd find him slumped with a toy somewhere in the room fast asleep :giggle and we've move him to bed (their shared mattress on the floor). but that was fine by us. both kids were content and secure, and we had an hour to ourselves in the evening while they learned to go to sleep together! now they still share a room but have separate beds and they often chat for a little bit, but don't play anymore (they are now 3.5 and 5.5).

[deena]

I always kept my kids on my schedule. I missed out on alone time, but never had to battle to put anyone to sleep. :shrug

[MtnMama]

Have you read The NCSS for Toddlers?


What, now? NCSS for Toddlers? :jawdrop Be back later! (Off to check my library... I did not know there was a NCSS just for toddlers!!!!!) :rockon

[MtnMama]

Just a BTW, Elizabeth Pantley has a site full of tips! Here is a site of 8 tips for helping a child go to sleep: http://www. pantley.com/elizabeth/advice/0071381392.php?nid=104