Should I make him participate?

[gentle_answer]

DS1 (almost 7) is currently not participating in any extra activities away from DH or myself. Not even Sunday School. We did just complete Bible Study Fellowship where he went to his own class once a week for 2 hours (he didn't like it, but he tolerated it). He says he just likes to be with me. I've offered lots of different stuff, but he refuses. My mom even became a teacher in his age group at AWANA so that he would feel comfortable going, but he didn't want to.

I feel like he is missing out on making friends, learning to be part of a group...I'm not really sure what else. It just seems like the normal thing to do.

I had considered requiring him to participate in two activities in the fall. One church related (Sunday School or AWANA) and one fun related (baseball, karate, etc.) I think he will really resist this.

How important is this?

[milkmommy]

Honestly I wouldn't. This is comming from the POV of a very shy child with parents who "made" me join stuff It did nothing to help but rather confirmed my fears. Hes so young still I'd let him mature at his own rate, Encourage imple "social" events sure but I wouldn't force. :hug2

Deanna

[Hermana Linda]

:yes I agree with Deanna. He'll participate when he's ready. I asked my teens what they thought of the situation, as they were 7 yr old boys once and were not out of my sight until they were about 12. They both say that you should not worry, that he'll grow out of it and to force him might traumatize him. They also say to encourage socialization through playdates and group activities where you can be there with him. (They did not actually use the word, "socialization" :giggle )

[SilverMoon]

I agree with pp. Don't force him; when he's ready he'll let you know.

[Teacher Mom]

I agree with previous posts. Do not force him. Instead look to him for guidance and give him reassurance. My son was a velcro baby/toddler and he slowly weaned off me at his own pace. Only in certain situations, does he regress back to that clingy child. He wanted to do Little Gym this year and he has loved it. He is doing t-ball and loving it. When they are ready, they will let you know.

[ozmummy]

Your ds sounds similar to my ds (same age) and this is an issue I've been thinking about too.

I have found that when I am aware of *regularly* providing situations that just "challenge" him that little bit - that as he experienced success in these small things, he did become more confident, because he had memories of his success. I could remind him, remember that time when you felt like you couldn't do it, and then you had a go, and you had such fun with those boys...etc. I'm talking about low key, informal things, say, a playdate with one familiar and one unfamiliar child, where I am there for comfort and reassurance as needed. I haven't been doing this lately (pregnancy and birth = life in chaos) and I can really see the difference. We went to a birthday party recently and he *really* struggled, and couldn't connect or enter into the group play that was happening, which he found quite distressing (as did I). However, we were in a similar situation 12-18 months ago when he was having regular challenging social interactions, and he did *much* better, and was running around crazy with the rest of the boys by the end of the party.

So while I agree with pp about not forcing participation in formal activities, I really believe that my son does need that extra slow and careful help to be successful in social situations and to build his confidence. I don't believe he will ever be a social butterfly type, more the type that has 1 or 2 close friends.

I would also suggest talking to your ds about different situations and how he feels. My son was able to describe how groups of more than 3 children freak him out, but that he is more confident one on one. So that gave me some idea of where to start. And also to find whether your ds is OK with the way things are ie with his skills in dealing with social situations that come up in your lives.\

so hth

[NovelMama]

If your ds knew you'd be there, and knew he could stop attending whatever that particular thing is if he really didn't like it, would he be willing to try? For example, if you took him to Awana and sat in the back and told him he could come reconnect with you during transitions or something, maybe that would ease the fear. And if he decided he really didn't like it, then after that night he wouldn't have to go back. Maybe just knowing you were there would make him more comfortable. When I was a kid I was terrified of new situations, so I never wanted to join anything because I didn't know what would be expected of me or how I was supposed to act. Maybe taking him to observe the particular activity first so he could see what it will be like would also help.