Why is it sooooooooo hard???

[Esther]

Hi,

I'm exhausted... mainly from sleep deprivation because my nearly 1yo is not a good sleeper at all. He never ever goes to sleep by himself. I'm at the end of my rope, with lots of other issues going on in my life ATM. I simply NEED to sleep so I can cope!
My baby is a heart baby, who had 2 open heart surgeries in his first month plus more than 3 weeks in intensive care. Long story but basically he never learned to go to sleep by himself. Now, I know a lot of babies/kids who are APed don't do that until they're much older.
But why, oh why is it sooooooooooooo hard to parent like this???
I'm all for AP, you know, the co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, nursing or rocking to sleep, etc. But it would be so wonderful if my baby would sleep more!

And then, in my search I found this: (fromhttp://www.thesleepstore.co.nz/Baby+Sleep+Info/Babies+4+to+12+months/Sleep+Associations+and+Self-Settling.html)
One of the key issues to address with self-settling is sleep associations. This means what does your baby think she needs to fall asleep. If she has a sleep association that involves you, then she will think she needs YOU to fall back to sleep.

If you are currently feeding, rocking or holding your baby while she falls asleep, this is likely to be the main reason for any night-waking, as your baby has a sleep association that needs you there.

For example, if you feed a six month old baby to sleep, you reinforce to your baby that she can't fall asleep unless she is fed to sleep. As she gets older, she is likely to be catnapping during the day and also waking every 2 hours during the night. As long as you continue to settle her by feeding her, she will continue in this pattern of night-waking.


Sigh... How do I break this sleep association cycle when I'm so exhausted? This site also sells the "No Cry Sleep Solution" book, which I'd love to read but haven't got the funds for to buy ATM.
My baby does EXACTLY what is described above: catnaps during the day (30-45min. per nap) and wakes up every 2 hours at night most of the time.

Another BIG sigh from a tired mama...

[The Tickle Momster]

:hug I have a few ideas for you. Not sure how helpful they will be. First, Your ds sounds completely normal and he's young. I nursed my littles to bed for a LONG time. Can your dh help? When we wanted to night wean ds I would take dd out and dh would put him to bed. This helped to remove the cycle of needing to nurse to sleep and I wasn't there as an option.

You could also start to shorten the length of time he nurses before bed and spend some time rocking him. I got to the point where I would allow dd to nurse only as long as it took to sing the ABCs. Then we moved to just rocking, then to snuggling in her bed.

Are you co-sleeping or is he in a separate bed? If he is in your bed, you might try putting him in his own space near enough for you to reach out and pat his back. If he is in his own space, you might try bringing him to bed with you. I know as a tired momma, it was a blessing to not have to actually get out of bed to comfort my little ones.

I was going to offer you my copy of NCSS but I'm not sure how much it would cost to ship to NZ. :)

I hope something here helps. Please know you are not alone in being exhausted, it will not last forever and others will have some ideas for you.

:hugs

[Esther]

Hi Michelle,

Thanks so much for your reply!
I do co-sleep with my baby.
And when he wakes in the night, I try to pat him first to settle him but it doesn't work most of the time. :no2
Sometimes it does, usually around 5 or 6AM, when he's had plenty to drink in the night and I don't want to get up yet.

But to him to go to sleep by himself is the biggest issue for me at the moment. I know he's only little but I am at the end of my rope, like I said.

Shipping to NZ? Depends on the weight of the book, I think. A large Global Priority envelop is $9.50, I just had 5 yards of fabric sent to me that way.

:hug2
Esther

[The Tickle Momster]

I totally understand being at the end of your rope. Would any of your older kids be willing to help with putting him to sleep? That might be enough different for him that he'd go for it. It took us about a week to get ds to go to sleep without nursing. Sounds forever right now, but really a short time.

The book is pretty small and is yours for shipping, if you want it.

[Esther]

Hi Michelle, :heart

Thanks again so much!
Can you PM me with your Paypal addy? Then I can paypal you the amount for shipping.

Hugs,
Esther

[WI Mama05]

:hug2 I can SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO relate! My little one has been pushing the non-sleeping envelope since she was about 7 months old. I feel like I've tried everything to get her to sleep. I've had DH try to put her down to break the association with me. I've tried DH resettling her at night. I've tried the patting. I've eliminated foods. I've had her to the chiropractor. I've had her to the doctor. I've tried to feed her more before bed. It seems like I've tried it all. I've even gotten VERY desperate (my DH works two jobs) and tried CIO :hiding one night out of desperation. It didn't work. Really. She just cried and cried and cried and cried...well, you get the idea :cry. Did any of it work? :yawn Nope. I too, felt like it was my fault. Like I AP'd her too much and caused her to be this horrible co-dependant sleeper.

I feel like it goes in cycles for us. :shrug I can manage it okay as long as the waking isn't too over the top. If it's every few hours, I can definately cope. It's pretty easy to latch her on and fall asleep. If it's more often, I start to go batty! Am I telling you this to discourage you? No. Not at all. :hug2

I just wanted to give you my perspective - what I've realized in this last month. I've come to realize that some babies are more high need at night. Mine is. That month she was learning so many things, teething, going through a growth spurt, learning so much more language, just so many things. My girls tend to work things out in their sleep. Now that she is more vocal, I can actually hear her talking in her sleep. That's when she's usually reaching out to me and if I'm not there, she wakes and cries. She needs me there for her reassurance and security while she is sleeping.

My first was like this too. The difference for me this time is that I have GCM and a whole 'nother level of knowledge than I did with my first. I realize that this is a season. It stinks, I don't appreciate it, but it will pass. My first sleeps through the night, has for over a year now. I know that in another 6 months, she will be more toddler than the baby she is now and she will soon be two or three and STTN no problem.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it's really starting to make you resent things the way they are, you should go ahead and try to change them without feeling guilty or at fault.

I think that nightweaning will be key for us, but I think I'll probably wait 4-6 months or so until she can understand better what's going on. My older DD was 19 mos and nightweaning was done in 2 nights with minimal tears. :rockon

FWIW, my older DD only ever catnapped. From day one. It never changed. It was rare that she would sleep for more than an hour. She was just not a napper. She dropped naps by the time she was two all together. Some kids just don't sleep well. It's a harsh reality I've had to face :no2

Anyway what I wanted to relate in my long rambly post is that, yes, sleep associations can be the problem from some sleep problems. Yes, there are things you can try to get better sleep. BUT there are just some kids out there who I feel need more attentive parenting at night. There are some kids who no matter how hard to try to retrain them, they won't respond and just need the time to develop the skills to sleep on their own. No, I don't think nursing to sleep or cosleeping causes these problems.

:hug2 :hug2 :hug2 :hug2 :hug2 :hug2 I hope that you are able to get some relief soon. Is there a library or something you could check for the No Cry Sleep Solution? Do you have a breast feeding support group? I know our LeLecheLeauge has that book in their lending library.