Anyone raised punitively W/O spanking?

[Heather Micaela]

My parents (expept for a few rare not-rememberd ocasions in toddlerhood) did not spank.

But they (especially my dad) were very punitive.

I got grounded for things that were accidents and was constantly yelled at. And, as is common, he was also permissive in other things. I find myself tempted to go that way if I don't keep myself in check.

How were you raised and how does it effect the choices you make now?

[allisonintx]

absolutely. As I think about this I'll come and finish this thought. Too tired now.

[Nik999]

My sister and I were spanked occasionaly, but I remember only about 3 or 4 times. I remember when I was 4, I disobeyed my mom and she tried to spank me. I was too strong and she couldn't hold me down. That was the last time I remember. (We laugh about that now).

My parents weren't overly punitive. I know I wasn't afraid of my parents, but I respected them a lot. I rarely defied them.

I do find myself saying things to my kids that I heard from my parents. ("Because I said so" etc.) I also avoid saying some things that I heard that really hurt me. My dad tried to motivate me by saying, "What are you, a wuss?" Things like that still haunt me. I find myself wanting to belittle my 4 yo like that sometimes, and I have to stop myself.

My sister and her dh are very punitive and very pro-spanking. :no2 My dh and I feel sooo bad for our neice. She has to walk on eggshells all the time. It's hard to believe that my sister and I were raised by the same parents. Interestingly enough, my sister was the one who was always being grounded for one thing or the other. Her dh came from a very punitive home, and he does influence my sister a lot I think.

[Sister Ray]

I wasn't hit very often, and never spanked. That sounds weird typing it, that they didn't spank but still hit me. My father, who I didn't live with, was always kind and gentle. I don't remember him ever yelling at me. But my mother and stepfather seemed to do nothing but. I don't remember them ever being nice to me, just screaming and insulting. I didn't have any friends either, so that just proved to them I was a loser. They were also never affectionate with me, at all. That's the worst part, I think. Part of me wonders if why I didn't really speak up when a family friend started abusing me because I prefered bad touch and attention to none at all.

I was always terrified of them. I remember getting a C in algebra, because math is my weak subject, and dreading the punishment I knew would come. I spent most days hiding in my room because if I wasn't in front of them, they usually weren't berating me.

[herbalmama]

I was spanked.. and often, though it didnt really do much either way for my parenting. :shrug

I know what you mean though about being permissive. I originally spanked (until very recently actually) and am finding that I was very permissive. I would avoid the natural consequences and spank instead. When we stopped spanking my kids had to get used to me no longer being permissive :/

now i want to :banghead when I realize how I could have avoided spanking, let the natural course of actions follow and get better results...

[jenn3514]

Yep. I wasn't hit often. But I was grounded often, and my mom was a big yeller , belittler, and guilt tripper.I think I was 22 and a mom before she actually told me to my face that she was proud of anything I did. In high school, I graduated #12 out of 220+, and all she had to say was 'think what you could of done if you tried harder'. I would be grounded from the phone, and she would call from work and let the phone ring 15 times until I would answer it, just to make it stop. (this was before the days of caller id,and we didn't have an answering machine) She was a single mom and worked alot of hoursto buy a house in a nice area, and get me 'nice stuff'. And she never let me forget it.
I was never a big spanker with my kids, but sometimes when I'm losing it and I hear myself spouting what she did, I just have to clam up and look somewhere for support.(since I wasnt hit dh thinks I shouldn't complain)................... So..here I am!! :heart

[purplerose]

I did. Definately. As you can read the drama from posts about my parents. I never was hit by my dad (I was physically abused by one of his alcohol wives whom he is divorced but tha'ts a whole other story). But my parents were very punitive and we were very detached. I never wanted to tell my parents anything because of the fear of what might happen. It's weird, we never got spanked but they were very mean. :cry

[Sanveann]

I was spanked, though definitely not constantly, like in some families. My parents were also very punitive ... yelling was their big thing.

[fourbygrace]

My mom did spank me occasionally, but I only remember laughing about it because it was when I was probably 9 or 10 and sassy. It did not hurt.

My dad never, ever hit me. He was severely beaten as a child and once told me that he would never hit me because he was afraid he would not be able to stop himself. :cry He had a very bad temper, but never at me, just my mom, cats or inanimate objects. He would yell or just leave the house and go for walk. I think had he not come to Christ as a young man, things would have been much worse.

My parents were both permissive and punitive in some ways. I was an only child and could plead to get my way almost always. I was not spoiled materially as we did not have much money, but I sure was allowed to be in control of the house. I hate to admit this. . .but as a child, I remember our church watching the "Dare to Discipline series" with Dr. Dobson and wishing my parents would be stricter with me and thinking THIS is how I would raise my children. :blush

However, they did use guilt to make me obey/conform to their standards - spiritual guilt mostly as in "It makes God very sad to see you do that." "Jesus is displeased when we do such and such." "A good Christian will/will not do such and such." The stories in the OT were held up as examples of what happens when we do not obey, because God as our loving Father must punish us . Even though I believe that I am saved by grace, I still feel that I must live up to a certain standard to be loved by God. My whole life and even to this day, I am fearful of what will happen if I do not obey God's Word perfectly. I question my salvation and picture God as sitting up in heaven waiting for me to mess up so that he can punish me to straighten me out. When bad things happen in my life, I always think first "What sin in my life is causing all these things to happen to me?"

This is probably why I struggle so much with grace-based discipline. I don't picture God as gracious and loving. I am beginning to come to see Him as a loving Father who is kind and gracious.

Blessings,
Mary

[Heather Micaela]

((Mary)) You know, It is becoming more evident to me that some of the more punitive parents are overcomensating for being permissive by default. I knew when I firts had ds (thinking I had to spank) that I was going to do every thing I could to be attentive an dhave good boundaries so I could avoid having to spank at all costs.

[LadybugSam]

i wasn't spanked. (hit twice, but i don't remember being spanked) but my brother was. all the time. i was afraid of my parents. I didn't do anything wrong.

I remember times when my brother and i would get the same grades in school and my brother would be praised for it (because it was improvement) and i would get scolded for it (because i was"smarter than that")

Generally i got screamed at by my mother, then got a lecture from my dad later. And one or the other (or both) wold give out some sort of punishment or take something away from me.

when my brother would pick on me, i would run to my mom and she's set me in the corner and let him go and play. Because i was the only one she could control, my brother would have just said no and walked away. Seeing the way my brother was just reinforces in my mind that punitive parenting doesn't work. One day they're going to wake up and realize that they don't really care whether or not they are pleasing you and that you can't make them DO anything. and if you physically make them, they hate it, and so they're getting punished worse than you are. I realized that, but was to afraid to go through with it like he did.

I do find myself exploding at caleb like my mom did. she was calm and did nothing, and then she would get mad and just go off at us. I do that with caleb a lot. well i try to do more than nothing, but when i'm frustrated i do tend to yell at him and punish him :(

[Laura1_2004]

I was spanked on a few occasions that I recall ( once with a belt) but the worst was my brother getting hit with a belt, ( Which just recently came flowing out in a painful conversation with my dad) who had mentioned that "Spanking your child isn't going to hurt them any" :mad I couldn't control all my pent up emotions about how he "disciplined". The conversation ended up with my Dad feeling horribly guilty and very shocked at how little he thought it effected me, when in reality it is a HUGE part of my life that I wish I could take out of my memory. Anyway, it's not even that it happened often, it was in reality probably only a handful of times but just knowing that it could happen was like a black cloud hanging over our heads. Which is the reason why I have such a huge problem with spanking or any other kind of physical pain as "discipline" . During the years when it was no longer a capable means of threat or punishment, my parents tended to use the verbal skills of yelling or ranting, lecturing, or otherwise making us feel stupid about whatever it was they thought we shouldn't be doing, or should be doing. I find myself so aware of everything that contributed to my low-self-esteem that I am overly concious about NOT being that way with my son, and all the while I often find myself talking that way to my husband... :no2 I have to make a concious effort every day to not let myself use my mouth as a weapon to cut him down out of my own anger about whatever the situation is.. I find myself using the same kinds of words or sentences that my parents used to use with me and it makes me feel soooooooooooo horrible. But the truth is, I wasn't taught another way to deal with anger or how to talk to someone about something when you're angry. I have to make an effort every time I start to feel angry I have to re-wire my brain to say..STOP, DO NOT call him bad names, DON'T tell him all the bad things you're thinking about this right now, Calm down.... Think about what it is you REALLY need to say or do so that you won't regret it. It's funny that it was so important for me to not to it to my son but I was doing it to my husband which would effect my son if I hadn't realized what I was doing. Anywho, all this blabber for what? I'm not sure, but I feel much better :think :giggle But anyway, either parenting method, verbal abuse or physical abuse is a recipe for a unconfident, low-self esteem, bottled up young adult, who has to work 10 times harder to change what their parents messed up :yes I love my Mom and Dad and I'm glad they could help me to realize that I need to be WAYYY different.

[Heather Micaela]

I could have written a lot of your post, Laura :hug

[PeacefulConviction]

Yes I was :yes2

[euromom]

Me too :( My dad was also very abused growing up but thankfully by the time I came a long (I was the 5th girl in the fam) he had learned to not use physical abuse but leave the room when we made him that upset. Even so he was very much of the "Because I said so" crowd and NEVER would give me a reason for anything which always bothered me because I really just wanted to understand "why" I could not do such and such. I had a younger brother who was very spoiled and all he had to do was scream (for no reason) and I was sent to my room. It never crossed their mind that I never even did anything to him, he just wanted the TV to himself or something and knew that by screaming I would be the one to get in trouble and sent out of the room. I was grounded a lot, had phone privileges taken away a lot. I was constantly labeled "rebellious" and always getting in trouble for things I did not do that finally I decided to go ahead and do them and be rebellious. I figured I might as well have fun since I'm getting in trouble for it anyway. They even threatened a few times to send me to an all girls boarding school, and they were pretty serious about it. I told them I would just run away and they believed me, my mom told me not so long ago that was the only reason they didn't send me, because they believed I would just run away. :(

How this effects my parenting :think Well I definatly want to give my kids reasons as to why they can't do certain things. I want to take into consideration their feelings and not jump so quickly to a neg intent and label them something they are not. I guess I'll have to wait til ds is a bit older to see if their are more neg effects or not. :shrug I'm sure their will be :(

[Linnis]

The last time I was hit I was 14, I hit my mother back and promised to make sure she never touched me again.

My Dad stopped spanking when I was 2-3. He yelled all the time, everyday about any little thing. I was nervous, afraid and on edge all the time. I cried a lot because I hated the yelling.

When I moved out, I promised if I ever had kids they wouldn't have to deal with that stuff. No yelling, hitting...my kids will hopefully never fear their parents or their fighting. It's not right or fair.