I can't believe my parents!!!!!(update.......more drama)

[purplerose]

I really want to break this cycle of unattached parenting. I know I start to feel sorry for myself when i think about how I was raised. Here I am almost 36 years old and the feelings of wanting to be loved by my parents comes back. They (my dad and stepmom) are in town. They didn't come into town to see "us".........it was they are going with my stepmom's sister and husband to a condo here in Carlsbad, CA. My dad even came to the base today to golf and didn't even call me. We LIVE on the base, near the golf course. Then my dad calls and leaves a message "Oh. Maybe you guys can come and visit for a little bit on Thursday afternoon". Ok, thanks. Just fit us in when you "find the time". I understand that thsi is their vacation and all........but don't you think you'd make more of an effort to see your grandkids? The thing that breaks my heart is that the kids keep asking "Why isn't Grandpa coming to see us more"? Kinds aren't stupid.

I know that the only reason I'm still in contact with my dad is because he was FORCED to take custody of us when he and my mom divorced. She was put into a mental institutuion. My dad has 4 kids from a previous marriage before my birth mom. When he divorced that wife he never saw those kids again. So, I know that if my dad really had his way he'd give us up. He definately thoughought our life treated his new wife (his 4th, btw) much better than me and my sister. He even treated her kids better than us, but she treated me and my sis like . My dad would always deny it too.

I'm just a huge web of emotions right now. This is just NOT what I need. So, how do I break the cycle. I really want my kids to have a relationship with their Grandpa, but I feel like a liar when I make things up about why they aren't seeing grandpa more........well, actually I am lying. But I know my dad loves the grandkids, he's just always been a "Kids should be seen and not heard kind of guy". I have had a lot of anxiety since I knew my parents were coming into town. I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow. Anyway, I just realized this might not be the right spot for this, so please move accordingly. Please help! Thanks!

[MamaJayne]

edited because I missed something important in the OP

Lara, you sound so hurt. I would be too. No child should be treated the way you were as a child, or even as an adult child. You have every reason to be disappointed and angry with your dad.

I think that the biggest part of breaking these cycles is simply recognizing the unhealthiness. You most certainly have done that. Have you talked specifically about this with your counselor? Maybe tomorrow is a good time to do that, to make yourself take some healthy steps and get some feedback and affirmation that you're doing the right thing.

Do you think that your dad's thoughtlessness will hurt your kids? If so, I wouldn't make any effort to get together. If you think that it will all be over their head, I might make the effort. Pray about it. God will guide you.

:hug2 You are such a good mama for caring enough to do hard work like this. Your children will really thank you for this someday.

[purplerose]

Lara, you sound so hurt. I would be too. No child should be treated the way you were as a child, or even as an adult child. You have every reason to be disappointed and angry with your dad.

I think that the biggest part of breaking these cycles is simply recognizing the unhealthiness. You most certainly have done that. Have you had counseling for yourself? If I had been in your shoes, I know I'd have all kinds of unresolved issues and feelings. Maybe you do, I don't know. But perhaps a counselor can guide you a bit more in separating yourself from unhealthy behaviors and choosing healthier ones.

:hug2 You are such a good mama for caring enough to do hard work like this. Your children will really thank you for this someday.


Thank you! Your reply brought tears to my eyes. Yes, I've been working with a therapist on this stuff. But once they come in to my "real life" all these emotions come back and it's hard at times to not blow up at them. I knwo that there's nothing i can do to change the past but I can change my future and that of my relationship with my kids.

The really sad thing is that dh's parents are the same way. So my poor kids will have no great relationship with either of their grandparents. :cry

[CelticJourney]

I really want my kids to have a relationship with their Grandpa, but I feel like a liar when I make things up about why they aren't seeing grandpa more........well, actually I am lying.

You have to ask yourself why in the world you feel it is important for your children to have a relationship with someone who will obviously hurt them. Stop lying for him and let go a toxic relationship.

[apmommy]

Speaking of toxic parents...have you read that book "Toxic Parents." It is really good and can help you "heal" a bit. I also think when you are in therapy you go through all these emotions and deal with it with your therapist, but then when you are faced with them IRL....well, frankly, you've made progress in coming to terms/healing, ect. and they are in the same place. It can be frustrating. Maybe your therapist can give you some pointers in dealing with them.

[mwwr]

Speaking of toxic parents...have you read that book "Toxic Parents."

Is this by chance written by the authors of Toxic Faith? If so, it is bound to be good.

I know you want to break the cycle, and it sound like you are making steps in the right direction. But you needn't lie for Grandpa. Sometimes "I don't know why Grandpa doesn't want to come" may be the best, and most honest answer. They will understand more later, and they will someday be able to appreciate what you are doing for them. :hugs

[Joy7]

I would also tell them that what your Dad does has nothing to do with them (or you.) ;) They have wonderful parents who love them and that means that they have a vibrant family life regardless of the extendeds involvement. (same goes for you too.) :hug2

[purplerose]

Thanks everyone. We went to see them today because they "finally had some time for us" and I swear I feel like a little girl again when I'm around them. All these supressed memories come back. My therapist told me it's ok to feel that way but that I should keep a "low profile" so to speak. I've just realized how big a jerk my father really is. I feel bad saying that about him because after all, he is my dad.............but he's ALWAYS put me and my sister on the back burner. STill does. What kind of a man has 6 children 4 of whom he has no relationship with and the other 2 barely has a relationship with and thinks that everything's honkie dorie?

I'm trying to be the bigger person here and invited them to our house for dinner, to see the kids and dh before he leaves for IRAQ and they were like "Oh well, we have some FRIENDS who's invited us out to dinner and we don't know which night they want to go"...............I'm sorry, but shouldn't your children, grandchildren and a son-in-law going to WAR take priority? If it was my kids and/or their spouses, I sure as hell would! Now I'm just getting mad!!! :mad

[Joy7]

I'm sorry. That's rotten. Strange priorities. Once again, not your fault or about you. :(

[CelticJourney]

I'm trying to be the bigger person here and invited them to our house for dinner, to see the kids and dh before he leaves for IRAQ and they were like "Oh well, we have some FRIENDS who's invited us out to dinner and we don't know which night they want to go"...............I'm sorry, but shouldn't your children, grandchildren and a son-in-law going to WAR take priority? If it was my kids and/or their spouses, I sure as hell would! Now I'm just getting mad!!!

I would ask the therapist if they feel it is healty to pursue this relationship or if it does more harm than good. If certainly doesn't sound like it brings you much peace.

[purplerose]

I would ask the therapist if they feel it is healty to pursue this relationship or if it does more harm than good. If certainly doesn't sound like it brings you much peace.


You know, I wondered that myself. But luckily I don't see my parents very often. Just maybe 1x a year. I don't call them much either. I really wanted something better out of my parents for the kids............. :O

[CelticJourney]

I grew up without grandparents. Both my father's parents died when he was a child and he was raised by three different households of extended family (long story). My mother's father died when she was teen and her mother was not 'accessible'. Being an Army brat is was no big thing, really no one I knew had extended family that was 'around' so I didn't notice the lack of any relationship. I am trilled for my kids that my parents are so much a part of their everyday lives - on the other hand we do not pursue a relationship with dh's parents because they have priorities similar to your parents, only they live 20 minutes away from us. :rolleyes

In my opinion, seek out healthy relationships for your kids, within or outside of the family, but don't set them up for the same feeling of lack of worth or rejection you are experiencing.

[HEmomma]

I know for us, in our situation (dh's parents divorced over cyber-s e x affairs, his mom I believe has serious mental issues that need treated, his dad was abusive to them) its best not to have any contact with the grandparent/parents in question. My brothers were waay older (18/22) when I was born and I remember being so hurt that they never made ANY time for me when I was growing up. They would call and say they wanted to come to something of mine but never show. It was crushing. I desperately don't want that for my children. And dh's parents flake just like my brothers, so no contact is best.

I too grew up with no grandparents (my parents were in their 40's when I was born and my only living grandparents passed away when I was little) and really it didn't bother me. I had a great relationship with my mom and my aunts and uncles and cousins.

It really just comes down to whether the relationship's benefits outweigh the hurts. Its okay to recognize that yes, its family and you have to love/honor them but you don't have to like them. :)