Can we talk about the need to "get away from your children"

[Can Dance]

And why its supposedly so important to do? why do people talk about it so much? I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is very excited and anxious to go on a retreat and leave her 1 year old and almost 3 year old behind. I don't get it. don't get me wrong, I understand wanting to have a few minutes to myself now and then, but I really love my children. I am definitely not comfortable with leaving them behind for a weekend or something, especially my baby. I think dd1 can handle it for a day or so.

thoughts anyone? :popcorn

[cheri]

I think there is a huge difference in needing to get away for a few minutes or even hours and getting away for several days. I have never wanted to be away from my dd for days. To me, that sounds crazy! She needs me! But I have wanted to get away for an hour or so after being alone with her for a whole week. Sometimes I just need a physical/mental health break for an hour or two.

[GodChick]

I agree. Actually, this has been discussed here multiple times. Personally, I feel like I benefit from a break of an hour or two a couple times a week (for me, I get this when I go to Bible study). That's because my DH travels a lot and I spend a lot of time solo parenting and I can feel overwhelemed at times caring for the girls 24/7.

But I definitely would be unhappy leaving my kids for a week, or even a weekend . . . actually I'm not comfortable leaving them for an entire day. :shrug They would miss me, and I would miss them -- they are still little. I"ve never understood needing to leave your kids for extended periods of time, either. My neighbor frequently takes trips with her DH and leaves their ds who is 2 with her mother. I couldn't do that -- I'd miss my kids so much on the trip, I'd want to come home. (That, and not nursing would be a problem for all concerned.)

[Happy Mom]

well then I'm a freak. I love my kids too...and I dont think that needing a night away means I love them any less. :shrug I enjoy overnighter's with just dh with a trustworthy grandma taken' care of them. The kids have even told me that THEY need a break from ME. :giggle I love my kids. I would do anything for them...but I do enjoy a little one night vacay every now and again.

[Can Dance]

well your kiddos are a bit older too. I think I would feel a lot less hesitation leaving them if I knew they could understand I would be back and I could talk to them on the phone. but I am just totally NOT comfortable leaving my baby, even a one year old. I totally get wanting an hour or two here or there and that helps me a lot. but I think I would find it really hard to leave them for a WHOLE weekend when they are that small. I don't think that other mama's love thier children less, I realised it may sound that way after I posted it.

[Happy Mom]

It's true that they are older, and it is much easier that way. The "baby" (if she can even be called that anymore LOL) doesnt stay at g-ma's as often as the kiddos. They BEG to go, she goes once every few months...and its a recent thing. They didnt start to stay overnight until they were close to 3...I only let her go younger cuz she wanted to be with the older two.

I realize I was a bit short in my post. Guess I got a little defensive. :blush

[hbmamma]

I don't think I could ever leave my kids like that for an extended time :shrug I'd miss them, and they me. I do value occasional overnights at their grandparents - so DH and I can have dinner or what not for a night out. But I'm there in the morning to get them...and it's not like I do it a lot - maybe 2-3x a year...

[hey mommy]

I can understand it. Sometimes a few hours isn't enough, especially if dh is home during those hours. Sometimes I'd love a whole day or 2 w/o him for some peace and quiet... In fact, I kind of wish my ILs would take him this weekend.. Oh well.. But then, ds has been spending the night away from me since he was 4 months old, so I'm used to it... I do miss him like crazy when he's gone, but I enjoy the peace and the opportunity to be something other than just mom. I LOVE being a mom, but I need other stuff sometimes too...

Ds sometimes stays for a week at my parents house and I miss him like crazy, but he has fun and I tend to get a lot done that I have been putting off..

[Titus2Momof4]

Well, I can definitely understand the feeling of wanting to 'get away'.... Afterall, for *me*, I am essentially solo parenting (since dh works so many hours) so a trip to WalMart alone, or a hair appt alone is kinda nice ;) But, that is a far cry from a WEEKEND away or something. Dh and I have been parenting for 6yrs, and we are anticipating a family vacation soon. We won't go away, but since we live so close to Disney, we'll spend 4 days going to Disney, and that will be our vacation (we will be able to go to Disney any other time, too, but just 4 days in a row will be nice) So, you see, when *we* think of a vacation, THAT is what comes to mind lol. We have *never* felt like we needed to get away from our kids for a weekend. The most we have been away is 1 time we went overnight (stayed at SIL's apt while she was out of town, and we were about an hr away from the kids, and my mom spent the night- we came back the next afternoon) We also went to Universal alone last summer (but this is not something really for our kids' ages), so we had the day alone. Besides that, nope, we don't do it. ALTHOUGH, now that our youngest is 2 we have been talking about trying to get a date night, but that just seems impossible w/him working so many hours, so it'll be some time before that is able to happen. I cannot imagine a whole weekend away from my kids :shifty Not that I am judgemental of those who want that... but just not for us. I actually feel kinda sad for those people, because I think they have bought into the lines (from outside sources) telling them that they NEED this, they NEED to get away, so they start to believe it. I have 4 kids and have never been "away" like that, so no one is going to convince me that we 'need' that anytime soon (one day, YES we will definitely do it.. but only because we are done having kids, and our baby is 2, so by the time we are ready for a weekend away, he'll probably be 5 or so... which means the others will be 7, and 9, 9 - that IMO is different from leaving babies behind) Oh, and when we finally do do this, the kids will stay w/g'mas and they will have a blast, and they will not miss us I'm sure ;) LOL

[Happy Mom]

I guess I'm one of "those people".. :think I dont buy into outside sources at all. In fact, I feel like God has given me opportunities to get away with my dh recently, and wouldn't take it back for a second. We had an all expense paid trip to Las Vegas a few months back. we were gone for 2 nights, three days. I was SOOOO ready to see my kids by the end of the second day...it was the first and only trip we've taken overnight out of town (well except for my MIL's out of town emergency surgery, but that wasnt exactly a VACATION. ;) ) and I enjoyed every bit of it. My kids were fine, I was refreshed and my marriage was rejunivated. I guess it just bothers me to think that someone would feel sorry for me for going...I think it was wonderful for all of us and never thought for a second that I was doing something questionable. I'm actually really surprised that there are such strong feelings about this. :shrug

[SouthPaw]

Hmmm, I feel like that sometimes but usually it just means i need an hour or two to myself. I would not leave DD overnight until I was sure she was ok with it. I think I would be ok leaving her for a longer stretch if I stayed in town, just not at home.....but definitely I would not go out of town and leave her where I couldn't reach her if necessary. MIL brings up overnight stays every now and then and I pretend like she was joking :shifty And I confess I pondered sending DD off with grandma for a day, but she is ultra attached to her and I am sure she would be ok with it. Hmm. I think as long as the kids are fine with it why not :shrug Until I start to miss her adorableness that is :grin

[Chris3jam]

:O :O I used to be a person that couldn't understand that. Or, when people said they couldn't work with the kids in the kids' clubs at church, because they had 'enough of kids' during the day. I couldn't understand that. Then, I got 3 loud, boisterous, busy, active, curious, questioning, learning, active (yes, again!), non-stopping, Energizer bunny people that are home with me all day, every day. Yes, I love them to distraction. But, now this quiet-time-book-loving-slow-moving-quiet mommy *understands* it. But, I've been out with dh alone before, for dinner and some shopping. I kid you not, by the time dinner was over and we were half-way done with shopping, I was ready to go back home again. Or, if they go off with daddy (*very* rare, something which I should treasure!), I wander around the house, feeling a bit lost as to what to do now! So.. ..yes, I can understand it.

[mamahammer]

I wouldn't *choose* to leave the kids for long periods of time, but my job is such that I am gone 4-5 weekends a year, and I don't feel at all bad about it :shrug My husband is more than capable of caring for the kids, and we both feel strongly that the ministry area I serve in is where I/we are supposed to be right now. It's not a *need* to get away, but when it is necessary, it doesn't make me feel like a bad or less caring mother :no

[MamaCare]

I think that it's perfectly okay to leave your kids w/a trusted, attached caregiver for the time you deem appropriate (an hour or two, a weekend... a week!) at the age when you are comfortable and they are ready. I think this probably looks really different from family to family.
And, I also do understand the "need" to have self-care.... which for me, does involve alone time. Not for long, and not super-frequently, but definitely a need.

[joyful mama]

I have a friend who weaned 2 of her kids around 9 months because she and her dh 'needed' some time together away from the kids. I was actually quite shocked and saddened, but her kids were really young. I can totally see Sandy, at some point in the next few years, wanting a night away at nana's or something. I work the night shift and miss my kids tremendously during that time, and can't personally imagine being without them for a vacation or something. i DO enjoy a few hours to myself now and again though. that's just me :shrug

[gentle_answer]

When DS1 was born MIL came to visit when he was 6 weeks old and wanted to take DS so that I could "get away." The idea was crazy to me. What I needed was to be with my baby. I never felt that I needed to get away until I was PG with my third baby. My youngest was almost 2.5 and could do without me for a few hours. I wanted to have some time to myself and I could do that with the full assurance that my children would enjoy their time while I was away.

I think that every mom has a different level of need for "getting away." I didn't "need" it until I was close to having three kids.

I never needed to get away when I had a small nursling because my need to be with the baby is so much greater. I would worry so much I could never enjoy myself. But, not everyone is like this.

[UltraMother]

I think that having that "trusted, attached caregiver" is also key. If you simply don't have that, getting away is not an option, yk? You have to find other ways to nurture yourself.

[Katherine]

There are so many variables, and that's why this topic can raise such strong feelings.

Out of my three kids, I have one that was ready to pack his bags and make his way in the world by the time he could walk :giggle Anything/one new and different made him happy... and another who--at 3.5 yo--still comes unglued if I try to run a 10 min. errand without him. :hunh Point being, kids are different and handle periods of separation differently (within limits, of course.. ) Having a trusted, attached caregiver that the child is intimately familiar with is a Huge factor, and I totally agree with the poster who said that she doesn't leave her kids until she knows they are ready to handle it. :yes That's us, too. And it's come at somewhat different times with each child.

The "I could NEVER do that" comments insert an unneccessary air of judgement into this topic, IMHO. :duck
:shifty

That said.. we *personally* just took our 3.5 and 5 yo for their first overnight stay at a grandparent's house :nails (it was several days, actually--and some much needed time for dh and I to just be home and reconnect after a extremely difficult year in our lives) My 3yo still nurses, and picked up right where he left off. ;) We were the most worried about him, and ready to go get him at a moment's notice, but he did fantastic. :phew My one year old still comes with us practially everywhere. Only for a few necessary things (like me getting a CAT scan) have I ever left him with someone.

[MarynMunchkins]

I like having days away from my kids. :shrug When we had family close, I relished the days alone with my dh. :)

But we're both introverts, and we have noisy kids that need a lot. I don't think that makes me any more or less attached. And if it does, well...I still enjoy the days without them. :P~

[Nightingale]

I don't very often "need" time away from my kids, but sometimes I enjoy it. Last weekend, I went to a retreat, of course the baby was with me. I missed the girls intensely, but they were with their daddy. I don't feel guilty about it. I did, in some ways, need it...not time away from them, but I am also in the ministry and things are stressful there, my marriage has been stressful lately, and it's just been rough. It was GREAT to go on a two day retreat. :shrug

[Katherine]

I think the wording of "needing time away from your kids" is unfair and in many cases inaccurate.

Sometimes you're doing something else you NEED, and it requires time away from kids (kids who can handle it and are left with trusted, attached caregivers, just so nobedy interprets this as saying something it isn't). Separation from kids is not the NEED, but a side effect... if that makes sense. :scratch I need to go to bed. :giggle

[3PeasInAPod]

I like how DrSears talks about this issue. He & his wife didn't leave their babies for long periods of time until they were at least 4...or maybe it was 3-4. Anyway, he says (& I'm totally paraphrasing). Basically staying with your kids for the first few years really isn't all that long in comparison to the years you will spend parenting.
Personally, DH & I left for a night when DS was 8 mo old. Other than that, he's been with us 24/7. My parents were watching DS & my mom co-slept with him & we were back early the next morning. It was really refreshing to sleep an entire night thru with no interruptions..but I missed DS like crazy & was glad to be back.


But I do hear a lot of moms say they can't wait to get away from their kids, & I find that sad.

[eejei]

I would love to have some time off from my kids. But only if they were with someone they were attached to and I trusted. My sister has 1 yo twin boys and my mum helps out with them all the time. They are attached to her and she is attached to them. My sister has maybe twice left them with my mum over night. My mum loves it, her boys love it (mum's house is like their second home) and my sister and her dh love it. I only wish we lived anywhere near my mum so as we could do the same with our dc. We will be spending 2 weeks with my mum when we travel to Thailand soon (she'll be travelling from Australia and we'll be travelling from Mongolia). I look forward to the break it will give my dh and myself to the help my mum will give but I'm worried about how my ds will react. The last time he saw his nanna was over 6 months ago.
I really wish I had a trusted care giver close by that I could have my chn form an attached relationship with so as my dh and myself could have a break every now and again. And I don't really mean over night, I can't imagine that especially since my dd still nurses through the night but just a few hours to do the shopping or go out to do whatever.
I think in the west we are much more insular within our immediate families. Whereas here there is always extended family around to help out and give tired mama's a much needed rest. The women here really seem to understand that. Instead of 'getting out of your hair' when they see things are a bit hectic at home they step in and help out. Plus they'd never even dream of letting a baby CIO :tubut can't understand why I don't spank. :/ So I never get those looks that tell me I'm spoiling her by going to her every time she cries but I do get looks that say you should really spank for that! (like saying 'no' to an adult :no2)

[Quiteria]

There are so many variables, and that's why this topic can raise such strong feelings.


:yes What I'm about to say does not apply to everyone. We've already heard from several attached mamas who can identify with wanting a break of varying lengths. But I had an insight that does apply to some people, and maybe explains why the rush to get away is so common.

Conventional wisdom contradicts a lot of attachment principles. You have to let your baby cry if you want to get any sleep, formula is just as good, even breastfed babies couldn't possibly be hungry this soon (I'm thinking of not understanding cluster feeding, or going full-out Ezzo routine), strollers and carseats are where baby should spend time or you'll hurt yourself carrying them so much and also never get anything done, you can spoil a baby, you have to spank for everything, etc. etc. Different people buy into different aspects of that to varing degrees, but overall, it's pretty common for most parents to be told over and over stuff that causes them to neglect needs without realizing it or "for their own good", not knowing why baby is unhappy and resentful that baby doesn't do all these things a "good" baby supposedly does. Parenting like that is STRESSFUL, and you miss so many bonding opportunities for yourself! The "need" to get away is a very real driving force at that point.

Now, like I said, that doesn't apply to everyone. I'm AP'ing ds, and I would like to spend a night alone with dh if I had someone to trust and if ds was up to it. :shrug But I think the nature of mainstream parenting explains why it is so common to see so many moms reaching a level of desperation. Again, it's not like an AP mom can't ever feel this way, but we are blessed in ways that a lot of other moms just aren't--being able to meet needs and trust instincts without guilt. You can't look at mom wanting to get away and think, "She must not be AP," but you can see a mainstream mom wanting to get away and think, "Well, no wonder. Poor mom. :hug2 "

[hey mommy]

ITA w/Quiteria... I was 'throwing a fit' earlier about something and dh told me to 'act like an adult and set a good example".. I sat there thinking "what does an adult act like? I haven't been around any in so long, I don't know anymore.. I'm around a 4 year old 99% of the time."

I have seen where mainstream parenting has made 'getting away' seem like a bad thing b/c they harp on it so much. Like if you don't, you are doing irerperable(sp??) harm to yourself and your kids and your marriage, etc.. AP parents don't see it that way.

Yes, I feel the need to 'get away'. Being w/one child all the time gets exausting, no matter how AP/mainstream/gentle/punitive you are. It's exausting. I can't imagine being w/a 3+ kids constantly some people are. At least those kids have other kids to play with though. My one child has me and only me...

[MoongardenMama]

We've talked alot about this issue here in the past. I really think it comes down to is each person's understanding of the word "NEED".

I'm with my girls 24/7. DH's work schedule necessitates solo-parenting on my end almost completely - and some days...I'll just say, :shifty it's rough and leave it at that.

Now, would I 'like' to be in a romantic bed and breakfast with my husband for the weekend? Well, yes - I'm no fool. Do I "NEED" it?!?
....I need a bath! I need some food, I need some sleep! I need to make sure that everyone in my house is getting the same plus so much more. I'm not saying we're lacking any of these things - I'm saying, these are what I classify as "needs".

Basically staying with your kids for the first few years really isn't all that long in comparison to the years you will spend parenting.
I think this is a true statement, and honestly, really *embracing* this idea is what keeps me AP. If I've got this part of it down, the rest of the AP stuff I do is really no great stretch.

Speaking entirely for myself here, if I am feeling a deep desire to have "time alone" and "away" from my kids to the extent where I would actually classify it as a "NEED", it would not speak to the fact of whether or not I love my kids. It *would* be a very clear signal to ME that I have some internal stuff going on that no night out on the town is going to fix. I know that's a strong statement, so again I'm speaking for myself. :duck

[Zipporah]

How much of it, do you think, is related to the way society expects us to behave? Some times I think that more and more 'adult' spaces are not kid friendly and kid-friendly spaces are pretty boring for adults. For example-if you're going out for a meal with kids, many places won't go out of their way to make life with kids easy (many actually deliberately make life more difficult) and most 'family friendly' places seem variations of McDonalds (bad food, uncomfortable seating and questionable marketing).

As well as that, most ppl seem to speak to mothers with kids in tow as if motherhood is the only aspect of their existence-nobody would dream of talking to me about comparisons between different brands of disposable nappies/jarred babyfood/what a blessing Supernanny is unless I am with dd. Suddenly, since I am obviously a mother, these things must interest me and ppl seem genuinely surprised when they find that I actually spend more time thinking about 'grown-up' issues than supposed 'mummy' issues

Society places strong expectations on what mothers are and are not and sometimes the only way for some ppl to feel like other ppl respect you as a person, rather than just a mother is to pretend you're not one for a while.

Just my :twocents

[Keysmum]

My DH and I have been doing a 'weekend away' every year for our anniversary since our kids were around 4, it's lovely for us both and the kids love going to their grandparents or aunty/uncles to see their cousins.

I also agree that it can depend on the child. My DD has been independent since a VERY young age and when she was 18mths I decided to put her in day care for 1 day a week so I could have some 'peace' doing the shopping. That first day she walked off and didn't even say Goodbye, I went back to the car and just cried :cry When I picked her up she'd had a fun few hours and the carers adored her already. That's how it's been since day dot with her, she's 9 now and this year went on her first Christian camp for 5 days. It was nice that she phoned us ON THE 4TH DAY saying she missed us but she was having lots of fun!!! My son has been a little different although her influence has made him alot more confident than he probably would have been. He had more 'clingy' days at daycare drops offs, but still adjusted well.

I am a mum that NEEDS time out also, so my kids suit me nicely, which I guess God knew ;)

[HomeWithMyBabies]

Quiteria something you said jumped out at me

Again, it's not like an AP mom can't ever feel this way, but we are blessed in ways that a lot of other moms just aren't--being able to meet needs and trust instincts without guilt.

I think the guilt thing is huge when it comes to "needing to get away." Everybody told me after the boys were born how I should take time for myself, get the kids used to being in someone else's care, etc. I think they just took a good thought and went too far; it seems like what they really should say is if you do *need* the time...take it, and don't feel GUILTY.

That still means that people don't always believe me when I say I really don't have a burning desire to put the little man into a program for my sake, or go away for a weekend without the kids. But while I do *need* to have time to myself, I actually like to be around the boys most of the time. My ministry right now is caring for them, so there is fulfillment in that. Sometimes it gets to be mundane and a chore...but if I felt like that all the time, then yes, I'd really want to get away. The real guilt feelings (however misplaced) would be about not enjoying my kids...not the fact that I "need to get away."

Does that make sense?

I'm still working on my :cup and it was a rough night last night with peanut (speaking of wanting to get away!) :giggle

[Can Dance]

But I do hear a lot of moms say they can't wait to get away from their kids, & I find that sad.




We've talked alot about this issue here in the past. I really think it comes down to is each person's understanding of the word "NEED".

I'm with my girls 24/7. DH's work schedule necessitates solo-parenting on my end almost completely - and some days...I'll just say, :shifty it's rough and leave it at that.


I think this is a true statement, and honestly, really *embracing* this idea is what keeps me AP. If I've got this part of it down, the rest of the AP stuff I do is really no great stretch.






There are so many variables, and that's why this topic can raise such strong feelings.


The "I could NEVER do that" comments insert an unneccessary air of judgement into this topic, IMHO. :duck
:shifty

.



I was more or less thinking along these lines. I guess the attitude that I have sensed, and granted I could totally be wrong, is being super annoyed with your children and wanting to get away from them because of it.
I have also been to the beach of leaving my 16.5 month old with my parents, whom she knew very well, for WAY too long and I would NEVER do that again with such a small baby. she was weaned by then, but she was very distressed when I came back. it made me very sad, but I felt like everyone was tellng me I needed it, or she'd be fine. but in actuality, it took her a long time to get over me being gone.

anyway, I certainly don't want to judge anyone on this topic, even though in my original OP it may have come across that way. I strongly suspect as my children age I will be happy to have a bit of a break...

[Blue Savannah]

Dh and I didn't leave dd much when she was an infant. When she was a bit older, we started leaving her for short periods of time. I went to a weekly Bible study and left her with a caregiver or grandma. She did fine. After ds was born, I dropped out of the study because I knew he would not do well. I was in the study for 12 years, and I thought having to leave would rip my heart out. But it didn't. I guess we as moms know our babies and what they need. I read a great article Chrystal wrote on her website called "The Myth of Needing to Get Away." My sister is a big one on "you have to have regular time away" and Chrystal's article helped me confirm that I am doing what my baby needs right now. I wouldn't find it relaxing knowing I was sitting in a coffee shop with a friend while my baby cried his heart out at home. I don't think any of us would.

That being said, dh and I had several weekends away between the time dd was 3 and ds came along. She was old enough to understand we were coming back and also old enough to understand that she got spoiled rotten at grandma's. :shifty Dh and I have really special memories of the time alone. My dd spent an afternoon a week at grandma's house. I looked forward to it and throughly enjoyed those afternoons. One day, I will have them again. And I will probably miss these days like crazy!

I think PPs are right--there might be a better word choice than "need"--and the age and temperments of the children make a big difference, too.

Here's wishing all of you a quiet hour or two today! :hkiss:cup :hkiss

[hiddenhippie6]

I have come to realize that, IMO some moms are just programed different than others. When I was first having dc I belonged to LLL and everyone there seemed to feel the same as I did, then one of my other friends had her first child and she just could not get away. :hunh What! I thought everyone felt like I did!! What is wrong with this mother?! I had a hard time getting past judging her for it. I knew she REALLY wanted dc so it just didn't make sense to me. Even now, ten years later she is the same way. She left her kids and went away for Thanksgiving in another state to be with their friends who have no kids. She was ust so excited about the break. :jawdrop I guess I don't try to understand it anymore and just accept that we are different. It doesn't seem to bother her, so I guess it shouldn't bother me. Right? Although I must admit it is still hard to listen to sometimes. :shifty

[Katherine]

I agree with a lot of things being said here... with Quiteria's insight :yes and with basically all of what Sarah said. :)

I think this is a true statement, and honestly, really *embracing* this idea is what keeps me AP. If I've got this part of it down, the rest of the AP stuff I do is really no great stretch.

Speaking entirely for myself here, if I am feeling a deep desire to have "time alone" and "away" from my kids to the extent where I would actually classify it as a "NEED", it would not speak to the fact of whether or not I love my kids. It *would* be a very clear signal to ME that I have some internal stuff going on that no night out on the town is going to fix. I know that's a strong statement, so again I'm speaking for myself.

This is why it's so important to distinguish not only the difference between needs and wants, but the difference between something we actually need to give to ourselves and the desire to escape. For example, I may need a hour to myself, but that's not the same as needing to "get away from the kids." (e.g. escape) They're not the same thing. I can have time to myself in the same house as the kids while another adults handles their needs and supervises. If I'm wanting to escape, then that won't "feel" like enough. yk? I NEED a shower/bath sometimes, and I WANT to take it alone, but if the only way to get it is to pile all the kids in the tub, then so be it. I have to realize that my *need* is not "getting away from the kids to take a shower" (escape!) but simply "take a shower." :mrgreen

I agree that the feeling of needing to escape--for me--will not be remedied by a night, or a weekend, or a month away, b/c it usually means I'm not going about my parenting and managing my life effectively, and I'll make the same mistakes when I come back.... OR.. like you said, that there are deeper issues driving my frustratation, fatigue, etc.

It's the difference between doing a hobby just b/c you really enjoy it and doing it as an escape from life. One is healthy; the other is not.


I also agree with the Dr. Sears quote.

I get annoyed when people try to push me away from my kids way too early. (Just LEAVE him--he'll be fine!) :mad or predict doom and gloom about my "momma's boys" b/c I'm with them virtually non-stop for the first few years. *sigh*

But I've also felt the "AP mommy guilt" (I'm not being a good enough AP mom, not being attached enough, ect.) when the thought of doing something more mainstream crossed my mind--and seemed rather appealing. :O Especially when I was The bottom line is that AP is not about comparing how old our kids were the first time we left them, or having a contest to see who has gone the longest without being away from their kids. :no It's about meeting the needs of our individual children and staying connected with them. :yes

[Eowyn]

I get annoyed when people try to push me away from my kids way too early. (Just LEAVE him--he'll be fine!) :mad or predict doom and gloom about my "momma's boys" b/c I'm with them virtually non-stop for the first few years. *sigh*

But I've also felt the "AP mommy guilt" (I'm not being a good enough AP mom, not being attached enough, ect.) when the thought of doing something more mainstream crossed my mind--and seemed rather appealing. :O Especially when I was The bottom line is that AP is not about comparing how old our kids were the first time we left them, or having a contest to see who has gone the longest without being away from their kids. :no It's about meeting the needs of our individual children and staying connected with them. :yes


:yes

I hate the pressure to leave my babies for a movie or something when they're tiny. When they're a little older, we go to dinner alone, and the baby is always left with my parents, who, while they differ in how they did things, still respect our methods enough to call if our child is even remotely upset. I don't feel any particular guilt over that. Our children have become attached to my parents quickly from a very early age. We love that they have that bond. I have felt guilty for leaving them to go on a date with DH, but that was AP guilt rather than anything related to our children or their indicators of need.

That said, Henry's 21 months old, and we had our 2nd overnight with no kids since his birth (a previous overnight took place at 15 months with both DH and me sick). It was refreshing, and really nice. I have friends whose infants have been spending the night with grandparents since they were only a few weeks old. That doesn't work for us. :shrug

[milkmommy]

As an introvert I have a very strong need to "be alone" Its one of the reasons I'm almost always here on GCM at night cause its my time to kinda be alone and I'm a night person. ALone time from my child has and will look diffrent depending on several factors.

1) age I wont leave a newborn infant if I go someplace they go with me I'll likely be even more villigant about this with another a baby of a few months with well established BF ect I'm fine leaving with DH for short errends (10-30 mintues tops Toddlers can have an afternoon with someone trusting. Cecilia is now four I'd be okay with her spending a night or two away if she was cofortable.

2) whos watching. Babysitters are super hard to come by here and expensive (most want $8-$10/HR) and I wouldn't trust any for overnight care. we don't have family in the area. My inlaws would watch her but for anyone following MIL stories you know thats not going to happen. My parents I'd trust for a night or two but there several states away.


Deanna

[MoongardenMama]

For example, I may need a hour to myself, but that's not the same as needing to "get away from the kids." (e.g. escape) They're not the same thing. I can have time to myself in the same house as the kids while another adults handles their needs and supervises.
Exactly. :yes It really is that simple. I had a very un-AP mom actually find out this works, once she was willing to give it a try.

I have come to realize that, IMO some moms are just programed different than others.
Right. I know that I am "programmed" for a lot of icky things that make me incapable (if left to my own devices) to distinguish between a "want" and a "need". When AP became a part of how we do things, it was precisely because I felt a little "re-programming" might be in order! :)

It doesn't seem to bother her, so I guess it shouldn't bother me. Right? Although I must admit it is still hard to listen to sometimes. Right. And, yes I agree. :peace

[GotMyHeartFull]

And why its supposedly so important to do? why do people talk about it so much? I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is very excited and anxious to go on a retreat and leave her 1 year old and almost 3 year old behind. I don't get it. don't get me wrong, I understand wanting to have a few minutes to myself now and then, but I really love my children. I am definitely not comfortable with leaving them behind for a weekend or something, especially my baby. I think dd1 can handle it for a day or so.

thoughts anyone? :popcorn

don't have time to read all the replies right now, but I don't understand this 'need' either :shrug I am solo parenting right now with dh gone and I haven't had the 'desire' to be away from my kids. I have time to do things I want to do with my children, and they do go to bed a few hours before me so maybe that;s why :shrug I don't know

[Katherine]

I mainly desire to learn how to BE WITH my kids in a more effective, peaceful, and productive way. :lol :shifty

[hey mommy]

So the fact that I need to get away from my ds right now is wrong, huh? Yes, i NEED to. I'm going crazy and would love just a couple of hours of no talking child. Is that wrong? If so, oh well.. I'm already mentally planning how I can get out of the house today or tomorrow. Even if it means I sit at Barnes and Noble or Borders for 2 hours....

[milkmommy]

So the fact that I need to get away from my ds right now is wrong, huh? Yes, i NEED to. I'm going crazy and would love just a couple of hours of no talking child. Is that wrong? If so, oh well.. I'm already mentally planning how I can get out of the house today or tomorrow. Even if it means I sit at Barnes and Noble or Borders for 2 hours....

I completely get this feeling and am blessed with a DH who understands an is able to step in so I can go sit at bBarnes and Nobles for two hours :shifty I reallycan't explain the feeling well enough to probably explain it to those of you that can't see the need but it is a real need and one that if ingnored can lead to a very bad place. :hug2 I really do understand.

Deanna

[Katherine]

So the fact that I need to get away from my ds right now is wrong, huh? Yes, i NEED to. I'm going crazy and would love just a couple of hours of no talking child. Is that wrong? If so, oh well.. I'm already mentally planning how I can get out of the house today or tomorrow. Even if it means I sit at Barnes and Noble or Borders for 2 hours....

No.. :hug2 I'm sorry if that's what you're hearing. I think that's exactly what we're all trying hard NOT to say.

You need some time for yourself. You need some peace and quiet. You need to hear your own thoughts. You need to focus on something other than serving someone's needs for a while. You need to get out of the house. Those things are all totally reasonable and we've ALL felt that way! :yes

You know your son and your circumstances and you are person who is best qualified to decide what approach will allow those needs to be effectively met. :yes

All I'm suggesting in my previous posts is that "getting away from my son" casts HIM as the source of the problem. Instead of framing the way you feel in terms of what you personally NEED to acquire (time for myself, quiet, time alone with dh), it frames it in terms of what (who) you perceive as the problem. Does that make sense? And I'm coming at this as a Mom who has--far too often--exclaimed to myself or dh that "I just need a BREAK from these KIDS!!" I've learned that--for me--thinking that way really contributes to having a resentful and adversarial mindset toward my kiddos... :(

[Chris3jam]

Instead of framing the way you feel in terms of what you personally NEED to acquire (time for myself, quiet, time alone with dh), it frames it in terms of what (who) you perceive as the problem. Does that make sense? And I'm coming at this as a Mom who has--far too often--exclaimed to myself or dh that "I just need a BREAK from these KIDS!!" I've learned that--for me--thinking that way really contributes to having a resentful and adversarial mindset toward my kiddos...

Once again. . . .WHAM! Paula hits the nail on the head. *That* is a *very* important distinction. :yes Yes. . .yes. . .. that makes the difference. . . . .

[mamaKristin]

There are times I need a break from my kids...but it's because I need a bit of time for me, which would imply that that time would be without my kids ;) I know when mom's needs are taken care of, mom can better take care of the kids. :yes When I get my time to exercise, shower and recharge my brain when needed, I'm a much better mother. I don't need to be away from my kids to accomplish all of those things though, and my goal isn't to get away, it's to take care of me.

It does make me sad when I hear of moms going out of their way to leave their children and go though. In fact today, I had 2 conversations with women I know in town - one had her 4 *month* old granddaughter overnight, the other has the 2 year old (not even 2.5 year old) son of her son's girlfriends for 2 weeks while they are in Mexico. That I don't get. At all. To me, that's totally different from my 4.5 year old having a 2 night visit at his grandmothers house. But they aren't my kids, and they aren't my choices.

[Eowyn]

There are times I need a break from my kids...but it's because I need a bit of time for me, which would imply that that time would be without my kids ;) I know when mom's needs are taken care of, mom can better take care of the kids. :yes When I get my time to exercise, shower and recharge my brain when needed, I'm a much better mother. I don't need to be away from my kids to accomplish all of those things though, and my goal isn't to get away, it's to take care of me.

Well said. :yes

[MoongardenMama]

All I'm suggesting in my previous posts is that "getting away from my son" casts HIM as the source of the problem. Instead of framing the way you feel in terms of what you personally NEED to acquire (time for myself, quiet, time alone with dh), it frames it in terms of what (who) you perceive as the problem. Does that make sense? And I'm coming at this as a Mom who has--far too often--exclaimed to myself or dh that "I just need a BREAK from these KIDS!!" I've learned that--for me--thinking that way really contributes to having a resentful and adversarial mindset toward my kiddos... Yes! I agree too - you have hit the nail on the head - exactly! It makes ALL the difference in the world where we are placing emphasis and responsibility. It's all part of the GBD/AP mind-flip. And as I said before, embracing attachment, particularly regarding this issue is what allows ME to carry through with the rest of AP.

[anitajoye]

well then I'm a freak. I love my kids too...and I dont think that needing a night away means I love them any less. :shrug I enjoy overnighter's with just dh with a trustworthy grandma taken' care of them. The kids have even told me that THEY need a break from ME. :giggle I love my kids. I would do anything for them...but I do enjoy a little one night vacay every now and again.

:yes
And my husband enjoys it too... a little time alone, to focus on eachother. But, the most we have done is 2 nights and we did that recently. Both of my kiddos are very indepedent at 21 mo and almost 4. Probably is my 21 mo old was more 'baby' like, we would not have gone. having said that- we always call and talk with them, we miss them and are ALWAYS SO GLAD to get back to them. We have also done date nights out, but we usuallu wait until they are in bed and on rare occasion spent one night away, but we returned in the morning when they got up. I think it depends on your families needs (I didn't feel like I needed it for several years after I had my first). And I think it depends on why you are doing it. I hate the idea 'I just NEEd to get away!'. That does bug me, my children are a JOY to me, I don't go away to get away from them, but to focus on my hubby and our marriage in a special way. I routineely go out for coffee with a couple of ladies once every week or so after the kids are in bed, and i love that time to relax a bit.

[Keysmum]

I agree that as mothers we are all different. I know some mums who are very patient with their kids and don't seem to worry about constant whinging, talking etc. I, for some reason (still looking into it), go crazy when my kids get like this :cool I need time out FROM THEM and until I work out the reasons why I am like this I will continue to do this for their good and mine ;) I actually don't have any guilt about it and am not concerned when other mums question it ... I am confident that I am the best mum I can be right now and when I learn more skills and grow more then maybe things will change? My DH and I usually have shifts of feeling overwhelmed so it works well that we can tag team when we feel like screaming!! I must say but, my kids at the ages 7 & 9 are bliss compared to those first few years :phew

[GodChick]

well then I'm a freak. I love my kids too...and I dont think that needing a night away means I love them any less

:scratch I'm confused about where you saw anyone calling you a freak for wanting one night away, or anyone saying that means you love them less. :scratch Personally, as I stated in the post right above this comment, I do need some time away periodically -- usually in the form of an hour or two, because I'm not in a situation where I routinely get a break in the form of DH watching the kids while I read/work/bathe. I'm under the impression the OP was referring to the mistaken idea that a couple needs to do things like go on vacation without their children, or else they are neglecting their marriage. And even people who believe that, while I believe are misguided, I wouldn't call "freaks." :hunh

[Titus2Momof4]

So the fact that I need to get away from my ds right now is wrong, huh? Yes, i NEED to. I'm going crazy and would love just a couple of hours of no talking child. Is that wrong? If so, oh well.. I'm already mentally planning how I can get out of the house today or tomorrow. Even if it means I sit at Barnes and Noble or Borders for 2 hours....
:hugs

I don't think anyone was talking about "getting away for a couple of hours." The OP was in regards to a woman taking a weekend away from what I believe was a 1 y/o and just turned 3 y/o. Some of us feel like we do not NEED that kind of time away. Others feel that they do need that. Personally, while dh and I have never felt like we NEEDED that kind of time away from our kids, I don't think that people who do feel that way are 'terrible' people - it just isn't something we have ever felt :shrug Regardless, you are talking about a couple of hours away, while the OP was re: a couple DAYS away. Apples and oranges ;)

[expatmom]

I'll be back later to post something.....

[hey mommy]

So the fact that I need to get away from my ds right now is wrong, huh? Yes, i NEED to. I'm going crazy and would love just a couple of hours of no talking child. Is that wrong? If so, oh well.. I'm already mentally planning how I can get out of the house today or tomorrow. Even if it means I sit at Barnes and Noble or Borders for 2 hours....
:hugs

I don't think anyone was talking about "getting away for a couple of hours." The OP was in regards to a woman taking a weekend away from what I believe was a 1 y/o and just turned 3 y/o. Some of us feel like we do not NEED that kind of time away. Others feel that they do need that. Personally, while dh and I have never felt like we NEEDED that kind of time away from our kids, I don't think that people who do feel that way are 'terrible' people - it just isn't something we have ever felt :shrug Regardless, you are talking about a couple of hours away, while the OP was re: a couple DAYS away. Apples and oranges ;)


Well, a couple of days does actually sound good to me... I'll settle w/a couple of hours though..

[MamaCare]

Okay, gotta just confess that DH and I went away (*on vacation! *gasp* :shifty) for our tenth anniversary to Mexico... a couple days of hiking in the jungle, Mayan ruins, etc, then blissful relaxation on the beach- we were away for a whole week!!! The boys were 4 1/2 and 6 1/2. They stayed at home the first part of the week w/my Mom, then stayed the rest of the week w/DH's parents at their house, which was really their second home. We had a fabulous time of re-charging, focusing on our marriage, and had a deeply spiritually renewing time. We called every couple days, the boys had a fantastic time w/their Grandparents... and I can't wait to do it again!! (Which, at this point, would be around the 20th, I'm guessing. Once every ten years... hmmmm...)

[hey mommy]

DH and I have never gone away together. Usually it's me that goes away and DS goes to his grandparents.

[Maggie]

I am not comfortable leaving my babies alone for any extended period of time until they are comfortable going for a while without nursing. However, even now at 18 months, DS wants Mommy when he's tired and while DH can sometimes get him to sleep, he sometimes will cry and cry if I'm not there. (This happens when I run to the grocery store by myself and I only started doing it recently, but have stopped for the time being since we can't count on him having a peaceful time without me.

I just can't understand it when moms leave their little babies for long periods of time and overnight. I guess if the babies were bottlefed that would be different, though, because anyone can give the baby a bottle. I would think that the baby would miss their mommy, though, especially if they were very attached. I would not introduce a bottle for the purpose of being able to be away from my babies when they're younger unless it was something I *really* had to do.

I do often have the feeling that I would love to have some alone time, but I want to do that at home, like by getting the kids on an earlier schedule so they go to bed earlier than I do.

Just my thoughts.

[hink4687]

My issue with this is not so much the parents who feel like they really "need" a break as it is the parents who take week vacations on a regular basis without their children. To me a family vacation is for the family, including your kids. There was a poll about this on another board I'm on and I was definitely in the minority when it came to not ever leaving my son overnight. I think it was around 65 percent who had went on vacations without their children. I was shocked by this. I even have a friend who recently went to disney world and left her youngest daughter, who was 3, at home with her grandma because she still took naps and it would interrupt their trip. That really bothered me. I personally have zero desire to leave my son overnight. Ask me again in 10 years when I have 3 or 4 children and I may be singing a different tune!

[Titus2Momof4]

My issue with this is not so much the parents who feel like they really "need" a break as it is the parents who take week vacations on a regular basis without their children. To me a family vacation is for the family, including your kids. There was a poll about this on another board I'm on and I was definitely in the minority when it came to not ever leaving my son overnight. I think it was around 65 percent who had went on vacations without their children. I was shocked by this. I even have a friend who recently went to disney world and left her youngest daughter, who was 3, at home with her grandma because she still took naps and it would interrupt their trip. That really bothered me. I personally have zero desire to leave my son overnight. Ask me again in 10 years when I have 3 or 4 children and I may be singing a different tune!


I just gotta reply to this, since Disney is our family's "thing" (since we live about 5 mins away.....literally).....

I want to say that that is just crazy! First of all, a 3 y/o would LOVE WDW (Walt Disney World)... but second of all, as someone who has been to Disney I don't know how many times, I can honestly say that when I have a newborn going to WDW, they always fall ASLEEP. Same goes for a 1 or 2 y/o who regularly takes naps at home. SO MANY people you see pushing strollers with sleeping kids (or in the restaurant with a child who is asleep in the stroller) Something about leaving your 3 y/o behind while you go to WDW just seems.....wierd to me LOL I guess b/c I'm so used to seeing kids sleeping in the stroller all the time. WDW will not interrupt a kid's nap, IME.

[hey mommy]

My issue with this is not so much the parents who feel like they really "need" a break as it is the parents who take week vacations on a regular basis without their children. To me a family vacation is for the family, including your kids. There was a poll about this on another board I'm on and I was definitely in the minority when it came to not ever leaving my son overnight. I think it was around 65 percent who had went on vacations without their children. I was shocked by this. I even have a friend who recently went to disney world and left her youngest daughter, who was 3, at home with her grandma because she still took naps and it would interrupt their trip. That really bothered me. I personally have zero desire to leave my son overnight. Ask me again in 10 years when I have 3 or 4 children and I may be singing a different tune!


I just gotta reply to this, since Disney is our family's "thing" (since we live about 5 mins away.....literally).....

I want to say that that is just crazy! First of all, a 3 y/o would LOVE WDW (Walt Disney World)... but second of all, as someone who has been to Disney I don't know how many times, I can honestly say that when I have a newborn going to WDW, they always fall ASLEEP. Same goes for a 1 or 2 y/o who regularly takes naps at home. SO MANY people you see pushing strollers with sleeping kids (or in the restaurant with a child who is asleep in the stroller) Something about leaving your 3 y/o behind while you go to WDW just seems.....wierd to me LOL I guess b/c I'm so used to seeing kids sleeping in the stroller all the time. WDW will not interrupt a kid's nap, IME.


Not always!!! We took C to 6 Flags Marine World when he was 16 months old.. We were there for 8 hours and C did not sleep once! Not ONCE. We went to Disneyland right after he turned 3 and again, he did not sleep once, the entire time we were in the park.

[milkmommy]

Yea the disney thing sounds weird for the same reason posted. :shrug Was this a trip trip as in the family got on a plane or drove for a long time and the 3 year old was literly left behind... or was it like the PP who lives near by. I "could" see someone making the decession to leave a child who might not fully appreciate the park with a trusted friend for an afternoon. While many kids (mine included) will just sleep wherever not all will. :shrug and While I think my DD would go gaa gaa over disneyland today at 4 at 3 shes would have been totally overstimulated and a ticket would have been wasted on her. Now as I consider something like disney a prime family with an emphisis on KID vaccation I'd probably would just wait till all were at "appropiate ages".. but no I couldn't wouldn't leave a 3 year old to travel for multiple days. Yes I would consider leaving them with a trusted person for a "day trip" if and only if it would have been the best for that child not cause I felt inconvienced taking them.

Deanna

[hink4687]

yep, it was a trip, trip. We live in texas so definitely not nearby. We just went in September and my son was 18 months at the time. I was wanting to go back to the room and take a nap halfway through the day because we played so hard! I just thought it was sad because she was old enough to understand where the rest of her family was going. :no2

[milkmommy]

yep, it was a trip, trip. We live in texas so definitely not nearby. We just went in September and my son was 18 months at the time. I was wanting to go back to the room and take a nap halfway through the day because we played so hard! I just thought it was sad because she was old enough to understand where the rest of her family was going. :no2


Yea not something I'd personally be comfortable with.

Deanna

[Marsha]

My kids are 4.5 and 1.5.
While I probably would NOT leave my 1.5 overnight, cause she nurses 25 times a dayright now, I would be downright giddy at the IDEA of it.
It helps sometimes to imagine that I am someone besides a mom, it gives me something to look forward to and aspire to.
I love being a mom, but I get all bogged down in the mundanity of it. Getting to leave for a day would lift me above the details and I would come back with such renewed VIGOR!
I have plans to go away for two days and one night soon after the youngst weans. Daddy can handle them for that length of time.
I am also an introvert and my oldest is an extrovert and my youngest is well, she's a baby who needs things. Sometimes I just need to be alone,,,,,,,,,,,,not in another part of the house either, really alone.
But I take what little breaks I can until my kids can be without me.

[hey mommy]

ITA w/ainsleesmommy.. It's nice to find someone else here who feels exactly the same way I do.. :) I'm a major introvert who needs to be completely alone. Or at least away from people who know me.. I went to the mall y'day alone and it was heavenly. I came back feeling much better..

I'm planning a trip to my best friends house which is 1.5 hours away from here as soon as she gets a Sat. and Sun. off. DH and DS have a blast together and I think 2 days w/o mommy around would be really good for both of them.

And for those that won't leave your kids, what do you do when you just need to be around other adults? It's just me and DS and DH, so my need to be around other adults can be overwhelming sometimes. Adult conversation that has nothing to do w/kid stuff(like my BF who has no kids) or even other moms. Just ADULTS in general would be great.. Other than the checkers at the store anyway.. LOL...

[milkmommy]

ITA w/ainsleesmommy.. It's nice to find someone else here who feels exactly the same way I do.. happy smile I'm a major introvert who needs to be completely alone. Or at least away from people who know me.. I went to the mall y'day alone and it was heavenly. I came back feeling much better..
:yes I totally cherish my "day" outting DD does well with DH and I get a very needed recharge and am a much better mom when I get back. Totally totaly relate. :hug2

I'm planning a trip to my best friends house which is 1.5 hours away from here as soon as she gets a Sat. and Sun. off. DH and DS have a blast together and I think 2 days w/o mommy around would be really good for both of them.
Were past the nursing years my DD is 4. I'd be totally comfortable leaving my DD with her daddy for a weekend if a special plan like this came up. :rockon I wouldn't feel comfortable with both DH and I leaving together with out her. Mostly because there isn't anyone I'd trust enough that I'd be uncomfortable with her being away for a weekend. As of now though a weekend would be my personal limit. (cause I think it would be her limit as well).

And for those that won't leave your kids, what do you do when you just need to be around other adults? It's just me and DS and DH, so my need to be around other adults can be overwhelming sometimes. Adult conversation that has nothing to do w/kid stuff(like my BF who has no kids) or even other moms. Just ADULTS in general would be great.. Other than the checkers at the store anyway.. LOL...
I struggle with this but not in the I refuse to leave my child way. I'm okay doing so to diffrent extents depending on age ect but problem here is even if DH say volenteer to take DD up to the college and I have a good long day to myself adult conversation is pretty much limited to the occasional talk with a neighbor is they happen to be outside or talking on the phone with my mom. :shrug I do often crave a good adult conversation and often pounce on poor unsuspecting adults with my entire life story if I get the chance :giggle.

I'm blessed to have a DH who will step up. He takes Cecilia out just the two of them at least once a week just so I can have some me time and will do so for the day not like an hour. As a newborn baby he stepped in giving me little moments for me. Time for me to take a 15 mintues for a shower to take a ten minute quick trip to the store these little things really meant and still mean a lot to me.

Deanna

[Benjaminswife]

When I was pregnant with Daniel I commented to a friend that we should have gone away for our anniversary because next year we would have a 10 month old. She said, "Oh don't be one of those moms" That seems to be the "mainstream" view.

I have only left Daniel overnight once. It was for the weekend with DH. It wasn't planned that way. DH and Daniel were suppose to come with me but DH had to work at the last moment. We were going to meet my best friend. My DH said if I could get Daniel into childcare for Friday, he would be able to watch him the rest of the weekend. Daniel was 21 months old and weaned. I didn't feel guilty at all. Did I miss Daniel? Yes. Was I going away because I couldn't stand Daniel? No way!!! But it was a really fun weekend. Being pregnant I knew it would be a while before I could do something like that. So I went and had fun. Daniel and DH had a fun weekend at home too.

I really didn't leave Daniel much until after we moved here so he was 18 months then. I trust just a few places/people with my children. I do trust the CDC here and use them a ton. My husband is deployed and I find I do need more time to myself. When my husband gets back we do want to spend a weekend somewhere. We both feel this is very important for our marriage.

I think everyone is different in what our needs are. Just like I wouldn't leave my child because everyone else is, I wouldn't not leave my child because it would be against the AP "rules." As my children get older I could see leaving them for vacations with people we trusted. Not all the time but I can see it happening. I value the time with my husband. It is very limited these days. Spending time as a family fills a different need that spending time alone with DH or spending time with girlfriends with no kids. It is just different. I need all 3!!!

[GodChick]

As my children get older I could see leaving them for vacations with people we trusted. Not all the time but I can see it happening

Same here. For me, it's all about waiting until THEY are ready. I do so understand needing adult conversation; I struggle with this a lot, too. :hug2 Mostly I get that from my Bible study twice a week.
That's only an hour and a half, twice a week, and I often don't feel that's enough, especially when DH is out of town, and I go for days and days with no adult conversation at all, even in the evenings. :hug2 That is a really hard question for me.

As far as extended time away, and overnight stay with grandma, a vacation for me and DH . . . I'll be okay with that when they are. When they are old enough to enjoy being with grandma and not miserable because they miss me, then I'll be able to relax and enjoy time away. :)

[purplerose]

Well, I'm guess I'm the "freak bad mommy" who doesn't love her kids. :shrug These posts really bother me. :rolleyes Every mother handles things differently. Some moms are programmed where they are able to handle things better. Others are not. I have left my kids for a few days at a time....so I can "get away" and recharge, relax. My dh is a Marine is deployed/gone A LOT. So I do solo parenting for 7 months at a time. I love my kids. More than life itself. I would do anything for them. But I had 3 kids in 3.5 years and it's B U S Y! I always have 3 kids attached to me. I like to get away for a weekend a couple of times a year and go to the spa with a girlfriend and just relax. I honestly don't care what anyone thinks! ;) I do it for me! :lol And I know it helps my kids because they KNOW I come back for them. They KNOW I love them and miss them! In fact.............me and a girlfriend are heading up to a swanky spa in LA in May! I'm excited!!! :rockon

[Marsha]

Well, I'm guess I'm the "freak bad mommy" who doesn't love her kids. :shrug These posts really bother me. :rolleyes Every mother handles things differently. Some moms are programmed where they are able to handle things better. Others are not. I have left my kids for a few days at a time....so I can "get away" and recharge, relax. My dh is a Marine is deployed/gone A LOT. So I do solo parenting for 7 months at a time. I love my kids. More than life itself. I would do anything for them. But I had 3 kids in 3.5 years and it's B U S Y! I always have 3 kids attached to me. I like to get away for a weekend a couple of times a year and go to the spa with a girlfriend and just relax. I honestly don't care what anyone thinks! ;) I do it for me! :lol And I know it helps my kids because they KNOW I come back for them. They KNOW I love them and miss them! In fact.............me and a girlfriend are heading up to a swanky spa in LA in May! I'm excited!!! :rockon


I am absolutely green with envy............truly!
Hopefully, in about six months................ that will be me!

[hink4687]

In fact.............me and a girlfriend are heading up to a swanky spa in LA in May! I'm excited!!! :rockon


So I have a genuine question and I'm not judging you, but what do you plan to do with your nursling while your away? Are you just going to wean him before your trip? Will this determine if you go?

Even though I am also a solo momma half the time (hubby is a pilot) I couldn't leave Cooper overnight because of nursing. He doesn't normally nurse during the night but he needs his nummys first thing in the morning.

[purplerose]

In fact.............me and a girlfriend are heading up to a swanky spa in LA in May! I'm excited!!! :rockon


So I have a genuine question and I'm not judging you, but what do you plan to do with your nursling while your away? Are you just going to wean him before your trip? Will this determine if you go?

Even though I am also a solo momma half the time (hubby is a pilot) I couldn't leave Cooper overnight because of nursing. He doesn't normally nurse during the night but he needs his nummys first thing in the morning.


Well, my kids will stay with their daddy. As far as my nursling goes........he's only nursing at night time. When I'm not around he will go to bed fine without me nursing. The last time when I went over night to Palm Springs with my girlfriend I just brought my pump. *If* in May he is still nursing.........I will do the same. DH is great at comforting him and putting him to bed. :shrug

[GodChick]

Well, I'm guess I'm the "freak bad mommy" who doesn't love her kids

:jawdrop Okay, that's the second time in this thread someone has responded with "well, I guess I"m a freak" right after my post!! I do hope y'all are responding to something you feel in the general tone of the thread, and not something in particular *I've* said, because I honestly never called anyone a FrEAK!! (And I feel like I"m kinda middle-ground on the issue . . . don't have a problem leaving the kids if THEY are okay with it, but I'm not okay with leaving them when they're NOT okay with it.) :shrug :hunh :scratch :shrug

[Blue Savannah]

Wanting time to yourself doesn't make you a freak.

Waiting until you know you and your dc are ready doesn't make you a freak, either.

We're all different and our kids all have different needs.

:grouphug

[mamaKristin]

i don't think anyone is calling anyone else a freak. :shrug

I'm all about leaving children for a day/weekend with daddy or another, trusted loved caregiver when they are old enough and capable of handling the separation. My 4 year old has done weekends at Grandma's house. It's nice for their relationship, and they both enjoy it. I don't leave my 5 month old for a week to go to the beach - which I've personally seen done IRL. That I don't get..Or leaving a 2 year old for 2 weeks with non-family members 'to get away'. I know there will be times in the years to come where a spa weekend with the girls will be totally do-able. That time just isn't right now. My kids aren't ready for it. (even if I would loooove a spa weekend). Some people's kids are in that space already. There is also a difference between a weekend away...and a week long vacation without the kids. :shrug

[MoongardenMama]

12. There should be minimal separation between mother and baby, and parents need to be sensitive to their children's need to be close to them and not force separation before their child is ready.
This is the viewpoint that alot of us take here. Since it's in the statement of beliefs, it makes sense that some of us may feel as strong as calling it the starting point of AP, some may feel like it's secondary to other AP principles that are more important in their mind. Either way, it IS an AP principle which is proven by the fact that it occurs almost exclusively in AP families. I'm not sure why some are suprised to hear it? :shrug

There is also no judgement involved. No one has said or ever will say that you're not AP unless you comply with this belief! Any comments like that of being a freak-mom or loving their kids less...that just doesn't exist here. I won't minimize your feelings, but they are *your feelings*. I can guarantee that these aren't sentiments that are coming from anyone here. :heart

[GotMyHeartFull]

I

And for those that won't leave your kids, what do you do when you just need to be around other adults? It's just me and DS and DH, so my need to be around other adults can be overwhelming sometimes. Adult conversation that has nothing to do w/kid stuff(like my BF who has no kids) or even other moms. Just ADULTS in general would be great.. Other than the checkers at the store anyway.. LOL...



I spend time with my dh when the kids go to bed, well not now that he is deployed lol but before he left. Now, I call my cousin after my kids go to bed and that is my main adult convo lol. I talk a few minutes a day with the other moms at the bus stop as well.

[CelticJourney]

I'm going to put my Mod hat on for just a minute. Even if it is refering to yourself, I'm not real comfortable with the labeling/name calling - lets give each other the benefit of the doubt regarding intent. This is a touchy subject that could easily get heated if emotions are flamed too much. No one is condeming moms who feel they need time to themselves or with their spouses. I think we agree on a couple of basic things 1) some moms NEED time alone; others just don't understand because it is not in their experience. 2) time away from babies is not a great idea - thank you izziedollie for posting that from the SoB- and 3) leaving your kids for selfish reasons is not healthy parenting. What each mother has to decide for herself based first on the needs of her child and then on her needs is where 'need' becomes 'want'. That will be different for every family and we can go around and around about it, but never have a clear 'line in the sand'.

[SouthPaw]

I can see personality type as being very important here, as well as specific situations. How I feel now is very different frm how I felt when DH was deployed and I parented 100% by myself. I really do think that there is no one size fits all answer, even in the AP spectrum. I would hope we all agree that as long as the kids are not traumatized by it, trips away from them are just fine. And conversely, if they are, we would not go, even if it means sacrificing for a little while our own needs for solitude, peace, etc.

[Quiteria]

Another thing os level of desperation/frustration/temper. Someone earlier said that if you need to get away/escape that badly, you might want to reevaluate your situation...Are there any changes that can be made?...but if you've already reached that point in the moment...

When I was punitively parenting dd, getting away for MOPS and church services did help me recharge and treat dd less punitively afterward for a few hours/days. Yes, sometimes she got upset, more than I would allow ds to cry now that I've shifted to AP. But even then, things had often built to a point where I think the few minutes of crying were outweighed by the better parenting afterward. Yes, it was a signal that I needed to change, but I couldn't just stuff those feelings in the meanwhile. I needed those breaks to interrupt the cycle and give me some space to think about how to change, or at least slow down the buildup because I didn't have any answers right away. It took me a long time to find GCM, and dd would have suffered more from the parenting than the breaks, IMO, if I had spent that whole season with her 24/7 like I do with ds.

Now, ds is just now approaching AP toddlerhood. Maybe I'll need some breaks from him on bad GBD days when I've got off my butt so many times w/o instant obedience. I really don't know.

But when I was punitive, it was more than just selfishness...it was also a recogition that I didn't have the self-control to be a good parent if I didn't get those breaks. So, in a sense it was a need more than just a want, a mental/emotional/spiritual health need instead of a physical dinner/shower/sleep need.

[MamaCare]

Just had to let you know I :jawdrop at the following:

I'm going to put my Mod hat on for just a minute.
thank you izziedollie for posting that from the SoB-

*Then* I realized you meant "statement of beliefs!" :phew :giggle

[GodChick]

:shifty I thought the same thing. :giggle

And thank you, though . . . because implication that I'm calling people freaks was starting to bother me.

[hey mommy]

Just had to let you know I :jawdrop at the following:

I'm going to put my Mod hat on for just a minute.
thank you izziedollie for posting that from the SoB-

*Then* I realized you meant "statement of beliefs!" :phew :giggle


Thank you. I had no idea what SoB was, except the bad thing.. lol

[CelticJourney]

Oopps - sorry about that :giggle

[Benjaminswife]

I can see personality type as being very important here, as well as specific situations.

:yes This is exactly it.

[purplerose]

:shifty I thought the same thing. :giggle

And thank you, though . . . because implication that I'm calling people freaks was starting to bother me.


No way!!! :no I know you'd never do that!!! :hug2 I was calling myself that because I am definately in the minority on this subject. I won't lie......I do enjoy an occasional get away. It helps me relax and recharge. :smile

[GodChick]

:hug

[MoongardenMama]

This is kinda funny actually! I'm sitting here thinking :think
"No, I don't *think* that anyone is implying that *she in particular* is the one callling them freaks?" :shrug
and "No, I don't think that anyone in *general* is implying that *anyone* is a freak?" :scratch
and "hmmm, I wonder if anyone thinks *I'm* a freak?" :shifty
and "Oh great, now I'm just adding to all this alleged 'freakiness' that may or may not exist!" :doh

:laughtears
Well anyway, I'm glad it's worked out!

[Katherine]

I agree with many different things on this thread, and even though my *actual* opinions wouldn't change from day to day, it's entirely possible that I might lean toward arguing one side more strongly than the other based on what's happening in my life at the time. :shifty :O

I wonder how much our reality (people available or not available to help.. kids who stay with others easily versus won't leave Mom's side without trauma, etc..... intense personal or medical issues that affect our ability to cope with life the way we otherwise would) influences the opinions we form about issues like this one? ...

[MoongardenMama]

I wonder how much our reality (people available or not available to help.. kids who stay with others easily versus won't leave Mom's side without trauma, etc..... intense personal or medical issues that affect our ability to cope with life the way we otherwise would) influences the opinions we form about issues like this one? ...
That's a valid question. My guess is that many will say it does make a difference to them. I do have a hunch that most who strongly embrace this issue will carry it out regardless. Speaking from my own experience, dh had a stroke the day we brought dd2 home from the hospital. So I was 24 hours after birth with a jaundice newborn and a just-2-year-old to deal with, we were 2 hours away from any family, living in a brand new city where we knew NO ONE. He spent the next TWO YEARS in and out of the hospital and when he finally left there, it was with a narc-addiction! :jawdrop It did not effect my parenting choices. I still felt the same way and I couldn't have been more stressed.

Actually now that I'm thinking about it there might be something to that. Because I see many of the moms who have to solo parent and they often express similar sentiments. For me, having something so traumatic to deal with actually made me feel even stronger about my AP principles. I think it was a combination of wanting to do what *I perceived* to be *absolutely best* for my kids who weren't experiencing a normal family dynamic at the time (with dad being in and out). The other factor was that I just didn't have time for luxuries like time alone - it wasn't even a possibility. My life at the time did not allow me to even consider getting away. NOT that I didn't feel it. I want to make that point strongly. I am not some zen goddess floating around in the lotus pose all day long! Some have suggested that "we understand that you have that need - we just have never felt it" The "we" in that statement does NOT include ME! I felt it bigtime. I still feel it at times. But it's a feeling :shrug a valid and reasonable feeling - Yes! But I would be in big trouble if I translated every feeling I have (even the Big feelings ;) ) into a need. Again, speaking from *my own* experiences.

[MamaCare]

I wonder how much our reality (people available or not available to help.. kids who stay with others easily versus won't leave Mom's side without trauma, etc..... intense personal or medical issues that affect our ability to cope with life the way we otherwise would) influences the opinions we form about issues like this one? ...
That's a valid question. My guess is that many will say it does make a difference to them. I do have a hunch that most who strongly embrace this issue will carry it out regardless.

:hug2 Wow, sounds like you had it really tough for a long while. Good for you for sticking to your principles and doing what you knew was best for your kiddos!
I do want to say, though... that had your circumstances been different, it may *well* have meant you spent more time "away from your children" (more time tending to your self-care). For instance, if DH had been available, or you had trusted family nearby, or wonderful AP friends to trade care with... see what I mean? In your circumstance, you did what you did *because it was best for your kids* and you made the necessary sacrifices. In other circumstances, Mamas may not have to make the same sacrifices, and they're still doing what is best for their kids. :heart

[Amythestmama]

I think I do need a bit of time away from the kids. That counts as a trip to the store alone, my excercise alone in the mornings while they are sleeping, maybe an hour or two while I do a Pampered Chef show. They are with dh or my mom so they are well loved and cared for. At times I feel like they are an extension of me and w/o them I am not whole. I hate leaving them but I can cope so much better when I have just a short time away. :O

[Heather Micaela]

And for those that won't leave your kids, what do you do when you just need to be around other adults? It's just me and DS and DH, so my need to be around other adults can be overwhelming sometimes. Adult conversation that has nothing to do w/kid stuff(like my BF who has no kids) or even other moms. Just ADULTS in general would be great.. Other than the checkers at the store anyway.. LOL...



I spend time with my dh when the kids go to bed, well not now that he is deployed lol but before he left. Now, I call my cousin after my kids go to bed and that is my main adult convo lol. I talk a few minutes a day with the other moms at the bus stop as well.


Us too.

We leave the older kids but it has only been overnight when the baby was born and one other time. We just try not to do that. But ususally we *want* our kids along. To be honest I find most adult only events a real drag. We have gone to a movie or the theatre on rare occasions. The kids love thier grandparents, so they will go there. We haved just assumed when we have a little baby that he/she will come where I go. If not, I dont go. Somtimes that means just dh goes. sometimes that means neither of us go.

AFA adult company, we find friends who don't mind kids being there. We find family friendly restaraunts. We invite other familes to hang out with us. Alternatively one or the other of us goes w/o the kids. Like I *have* to work - but then dh is with the kdis. Or dh goes to something with a buddy.

I feel we have a good balance. The only time I want *no* kids around is so that I can clean this dump of a house withour interruption. On those times I nurse the baby well then make dh take everyone to the park for 2 hours.

[Threeblindmice]

I did not read all the posts, but I get depressed when away from my children, so getting away is not theraputic for me. I think that comes when the children want to "get away" pr acquire more independence. Then we grow away gradually to allow them to grow up. However, this ability to do this can be miscontrued. Getting away is not for my benefit for a parent, but for the child's growth and independence. Believe me they will definately encourage getting away soon enough.....I will not rush it. JMPO.... :think

[hey mommy]

Okay, so, basically, it all depends on the person. That's what 7 pages of posts have been trying to say. :) I've been thinking about this for 2 days and have come up w/a few things..

1. For people like me, who deal w/depression/rage/anger issues, getting away is VERY important. If I get to where I feel like I can't handle anything, especially something C is doing, then I can become abusive(neglectful, screaming, saying things to him that I shouldn't, etc.). That is when I NEED to get away. Whether for a few hours or a couple of days.

2. For introverts, it can be important to be alone in order to recoup and regain self control, etc.. Maybe self-control isn't the right word, but I can't think of another word right now.

3. Sometimes I just can't handle 1 more day of child-speak. I LOVE my son more than anything, but sometimes I just have a strong desire for adult FEMALE conversation, which I usually can't get on the phone b/c everyone I know has lives of their own and no time to talk to me. Or sometimes I just desire some laughing crazy time out w/the girls.



So, that is some of what I have been thinking about the past couple of days.

[MoongardenMama]

I felt the same way about not leaving my kids WAY before our circumstances went south! That's my fault, I may not have mentioned that in my post. What I was really trying to address is the idea of "intense personal or medical issues that affect our ability to cope with life the way we otherwise would." That's why I talked about a time of such hardship for us.
had your circumstances been different, it may *well* have meant you spent more time "away from your children"
This would be a totally logical assumption if I had just recently adopted this philosophy. But that isn't that case. I dealt with the issue exactly the same way with dd1 - during a time when we were healthy, had trusted family near by, not to mention alot more opportunities to go out! People still think we were nutz for this, but we quit our band because it just wasn't condusive to baby-raising! I know what you were trying to say, but it wasn't: "In my circumstance I did what I did because it was best for my kids." But rather: Despite my circumstances, I continued my committment to do what was best for my kids. It supports the fact that...
most who strongly embrace this issue will carry it out regardless. How "our reality" relates to our opinion on this issue? Alot, I think it's almost the entire issue! For me, it's how I deal with my reality not the reality itself, that ends up being the deciding factor in most cases.

[MamaCare]

But rather: Despite my circumstances, I continued my committment to do what was best for my kids. It supports the fact that...
most who strongly embrace this issue will carry it out regardless. How "our reality" relates to our opinion on this issue? Alot, I think it's almost the entire issue! For me, it's how I deal with my reality not the reality itself, that ends up being the deciding factor in most cases.

Ahh... thanks for the clarification. That makes more sense to me now!

[MoongardenMama]

2. For introverts, it can be important to be alone in order to recoup and regain self control, etc.. Maybe self-control isn't the right word, but I can't think of another word right now. This is actually me too, to a point. Being introverted means alot of head time for me - over the course of a day. Mentally, I'm not always up for the heavy (ridiculously so) verbal interaction that two brilliantly-creative children demand! :phew At times I feel like, hey look, I've got enough going on in my head already! I cannot possibly be expected to keep this pace up! This is when I have a tendancy to become short and snappy with mine. :( Which sets up a horrible situation as a prelude to them doing something I perceive as "naughty" (when they're really just trying to get an un-canned response out of me) ...I've definately lost it a few times and regretted it later.

I think you're right, self-control really doesn't describe this part of it. Maybe just mental-stamina might fit better. For me, the self-control (but it's more than that) is necessary later - right after I've turned the corner to short and snappy, because the next road after that is NOT a place where I want to go. :sick I am also recovering from anger issues. :hug2

[GodChick]

:up Yeah, that. :yes Just about everything Sarah has said in her last several posts discribes our situation well too. No point in me saying it again, as she said it better anyway. :)

[Marsha]

2. For introverts, it can be important to be alone in order to recoup and regain self control, etc.. Maybe self-control isn't the right word, but I can't think of another word right now. This is actually me too, to a point. Being introverted means alot of head time for me - over the course of a day. Mentally, I'm not always up for the heavy (ridiculously so) verbal interaction that two brilliantly-creative children demand! :phew At times I feel like, hey look, I've got enough going on in my head already! I cannot possibly be expected to keep this pace up! This is when I have a tendancy to become short and snappy with mine. :( Which sets up a horrible situation as a prelude to them doing something I perceive as "naughty" (when they're really just trying to get an un-canned response out of me) ...I've definately lost it a few times and regretted it later.

I think you're right, self-control really doesn't describe this part of it. Maybe just mental-stamina might fit better. For me, the self-control (but it's more than that) is necessary later - right after I've turned the corner to short and snappy, because the next road after that is NOT a place where I want to go. :sick I am also recovering from anger issues. :hug2


I've NEVER heard it described so well!! That is me to a T. Sometimes I want to be left alone with the voices in my head, yk? It never happens. Rightn ow, I had to quit even going to the Y because toddler wasn't handling child watch AT ALL. THEY were asking me to cut back my time and check in frequently, etc. until IMO it wasn't worth going. It will still be there in six months, and I bet I'll still be an out of shape basket case who needs the time in six months, too LOL.

[arymanth]

I've NEVER heard it described so well!! That is me to a T. Sometimes I want to be left alone with the voices in my head, yk?

ROFL I'm not an introvert, but I do spend a lot of time "in my head", so I can totally relate! I was having a conversation with one of my kids in the van and I kept wanting to reach out and hit the "pause" button on the CD player....and it wasn't even on! It's like I wanted to just put the whole conversation on "pause" for a minute so I could get my thoughts together. I actually did hit the button a couple times without thinking, and my son just looked at me like I was loosing it or something. :doh

Stephanie

[LauraK]

I have only sort of read all the posts. I think the original post was asking if we needed to get away "for the kids". Like if it was some sort of thing we needed to do so a child is "well adjusted". I know someone whose dh made her put her ds at age 1 into a mom's day out, so he would "seperate better". He hated it and would cry and cry. It was a good mom's day out, but this idea that forcing seperation is good for kids drives me nuts. I heard this a lot with my first. I used to get sort of talked down to in the church nursery about my dd being too "clingy" with my first. By my second, I was used to ignoring people but I was a new Christian and a new Mom with my first and sort of vulnerable.

That said, I enjoy time away from my kids. Going away and leaving a toddler/preschooler with Dad in my mind is not really leaving them. They are with a parent, it is just another parent. My dh travels for work and leaves us, it isn't like I think, he is horrible for leaving us, and I don't think that about me either. Although, I am taking a work trip next week and cut it down from 2 nights to one so I would be away less time as it is hard on my family if I am gone. I mean I am leaving them but they are with a parent so why should I feel bad, I am assuming this is not a baby, but say children over age 2. I also WOH because of my need to not 100% be only a mom and to do my research and think and have quiet time. I only work about 12 hours a week but for me it is a great. I work in part to pay for preschool. If a child still nurses I do my best to accomodate that, like I bring them along on trips, but I wouldn't after age 2 I don't think. My girls have already stayed one night at Grandma's because they wanted to. My first asked and then my 2nd wanted to go as well. dd was nursing still then but it was less than 24 hours and she went to sleep fine for my mom. They had a blast and dh and I finally got to steam clean our carpet, watch a movie and go to be early together and enjoy each other. So we had a great time and so did the kids.

Just my thoughts :-)

[hey mommy]

Just out of curiosity, why is leaving a baby so bad? Everyone says it's horrible.. Does the baby not deserve time w/just dad too? I guess everyone here nursed/nurses, so I guess that makes a difference. I wasn't lucky enough to nurse.

[tnaallen]

Ok - so I skipped 90% of the responses, so hopefully thisisn't a repeat. :O But dh and I are ones that dont leave our children. It has only been recently that I have even left my kids with dh for an hour block at a time (things like the dentist are not something you can get around).

Anyhow, I always remind him that they will only be young for a short period of time. Or I always say, "Do you think Adam and Eve dated? Or Noah and His wife shipped off their kids so they could go on a date? And if they did, where did they go?" :giggle Also, people lived more communially, so the kids knew aunts, grandma's, etc, almost as well as their own mothers, so someone watching them for periods of time wouldn't have been uncomfortable (in my opinion) for the kids.

Anyhow - just some of my thoughts.

[milkmommy]

There are many studies and such that show a child really doesn't see them selfs as being seperate from mom (as there own indenity) till somewhere around 18 months or so. So being apart from mom is super hard its almoost like them looseing there own indenity. (having a hard time explaining) a bond with daddy is deffiently strong but most don't believe its the same as with mom.
Form my own personal parenting journey I believe the jist of this but also believe an attentive dad can step in and provide an important bond and even "needed" mommy time. As a nursing mom I wouldn't have wont leave a child dependent on me for extended periods cause well "medically" that doesn't really work. However and this is not shared by all here I actually liked the fact my DD could take an occasional bottle (prefered BM) and that daddy could on occasion share in the feeding experience. I wont compromise a healthy BF relationship to do this but I suprisingly found it nice and in fitting with an AP life fitting for OUR family. Again just ,my own experience and comfort. :).
Deanna

[CelticJourney]

Yes, nursing mades a huge difference - it removes mommy, food, comfort, all at the same time. And leaving a baby with daddy for a little time vs leaving the baby with someone more 'distant' makes a big difference as well.

I was thinking about terminology: I wonder if it makes a difference if you believe "I need to get away from my kids" vs "I need some time to myself". I would hate for my children to think they were something that I had to 'get away from'. On the other hand, teaching them to take care of themselves emotionally as they grow up and become young adults, as long as it was not at someone elses expense, would be a plus. :think

I didn't leave my girls until they were older unless my mom came to town or we went to my parents. dd1 was 9 and dd2 was 6 before she stayed overnight at grandmas (after she moved here). My son stays with my mom for hours at a time - main difference is that his is formula fed so doesn't need to nurse and that grandma and granddaddy are very much a part of his daily life

[mamahammer]

I don't consider leaving my child with DH "leaving my children." Anymore than my DH thinks he's "leaving the children" when he goes to work and leaves them at home with me :shrug he's just as capable as I am and is just as much a parent.

[CelticJourney]

I don't consider leaving my child with DH "leaving my children."

People asking dh if he is 'babysitting' his kids is one of his personal pet peeves :yes The only exception I can see to your statement is breastfeeding - don't know about yours, but my dh was just never up to it. :giggle

[MoongardenMama]

I kept wanting to reach out and hit the "pause" button on the CD player..........I actually did hit the button a couple times without thinking, and my son just looked at me like I was loosing it or something.
:roll
It will still be there in six months, and I bet I'll still be an out of shape basket case who needs the time in six months, too LOL. :laughtears :laughtears :laughtears ...this is great stuff ladies! :tu

That's it right there! It's having a playful sarcasm about yourself when you're about to FREAK OUT that keeps a momma sane! When I feel myself taking myself, my husband, my kids, my house too seriously (which is to say, if I'm letting every little *thing* drive me nutz) I know it's time to regroup. For me that means getting some motivation from GCM, fueling up with some good bible reading - "do unto others" and "all is vanity and meaningless" type stuff gets me back in perspective again....Oooh and if I really need to get psyched, I'll read the Proverbs woman! :rockon

Now-a-days when my skin is crawling because of senseless chatter, I just make eye contact with the nearest person and start making faces like
:mrgreen :crazy2 :laughtears :hunh :crazy2 and pretty soon we're all like :dance

[LauraK]

Just out of curiosity, why is leaving a baby so bad? Everyone says it's horrible.. Does the baby not deserve time w/just dad too? I guess everyone here nursed/nurses, so I guess that makes a difference. I wasn't lucky enough to nurse.


I don't think it is "bad". Just my personal experience has been that my kids had 0 interest in bottles and really were often unsoothable without me when they were little when we just had dd#1 I did leave her more with dh and her and him could figure it out Ok for an hour or two and I did go back to work with my first at about 8 months and my mom and her figured it out for my 5-6 hour days that I worked twice a week, as by then my dd did solids and would take sips of water, so my mom just fed her food and she loved Grandma so it was OK. she would just nurse more when with me to make up for lost time. When I had to travel for work, I would take her and my mom with me and my mom would watch her in the hotel while I worked.

My 2nd was one of these kids that was happy if she was attached to momma as a baby but totally unhappy otherwise. So basically I just went with that, and usually when I "got away" I took her along and my dh took my toddler. That worked well for our family. As when I did leave dh with both, it did get really challenging for him with my 2 year old and little baby and the little baby just got really sad without me so he would have an active 2 year old and a screaming baby and that didn't seem right for anyone. By 18 months she was fine to be without me, and even would seperate to go to church nursery or what have you without a tear dropped. It was like pre 18 months, no way mommy do not leave and post 18 months...see ya...as I think she just was totally stable that we would get her. She also had the benefit of her older sister always being with her as well, but now she separates super easily...

[mamahammer]

I don't consider leaving my child with DH "leaving my children."

People asking dh if he is 'babysitting' his kids is one of his personal pet peeves :yes The only exception I can see to your statement is breastfeeding - don't know about yours, but my dh was just never up to it. :giggle


True :giggle He can't nurse :no But, I'm okay with him giving a bottle or cup of breastmilk when I'm away. I know some are not, and I do have one that never took a bottle, so it was a non-issue.

[ServingGod]

In 2005 dh and I went to Cancun for 4 days alone. Gwen was 16 mo and still nursing a couple times a day. They all stayed with their godparents...who have 3 energetic boys. Evidently they all had a blast. Gwen was fine, and her Nouna co-slept with her too, and they would take naps together.
In May dh and I are going to Scottsdale AZ together for 4 days. The kids will spend 2 days at my one sisters house, and 2 days at anothers. They will have their doting Aunties, and lots of cousins to play with.

Do I like leaving them?? NO NO NO NO NO.
I HATE flying....I dont like leaving my kids for 4 day....I still have abandonment issues from when I was little, and worry they will feel that...but then again, Im not an alcoholic mother who frequently leaves her childre for days on end with strangers.

BUT...we do this because it is dh's work convention. If we had an au pair...we would all go. I have to attend business mtgs with dh...formal things with dh, business lunches...etc. It really isnt a vacation. It is work, with networking and a few hours we can steal away to be alone.

I do have a need to have a few hours away from my kid once a week or so. I get so overwhelmed sometimes with essentially single parenting and homeschooling, that I need to just get OUT and drive and have no one talking to me.