I deserved it

[UltraMother]

On a discussion I am following on another forum (to which I am not linking as per rule #19), I was struck by how many people had variations on this idea (that, and the "I was spanked and I'm fine"). Dobson says something similar, in his "girdle" story.
I keep finding myself thinking, "No, no child *deserves* to be hit."
If we were to go back in time, would the child really think that, as the punishment was happening?
Why do we later make that shift in our minds?
Maybe cuz it hurts too much to admit the truth, esp. to ourselves?

[Rbonmom]

I think it's because if we admit to ourselves that what our parents did was wrong, then we'd have to really work through some stuff. Nobody wants to think badly of their parents, or think they were "bad" parents or things like that, so it's easier to think "I survived" rather than process what really happened.

[allisonintx]

When people say "well I was ________spanked/fedcerealat2daysold/lefttoCIO_________ and I turned out fine" I have a pat answer that always stops them in their tracks which I only use if the person in question is being really really snarky.

"Hmm. I don't really want 'fine' I'm aiming for spectactular"

[ArmsOfLove]

It's a defense mechanism (defending our parents) and a coping mechanism (otherwise we'd have to admit 1) something is wrong with my parents or 2) something is unlovable about me). I just tell people, "You didn't deserve to be hit--no child does. I'm sorry your parents didn't have better parenting skills and tools so that they wouldn't have resorted to that."

[Rabbit]

The child can't escape. They can't survive childhood thinking their parents are wrong, for many many reasons, many of which I have forgotten. When abuse comes from the only people who are sheltering you, clothing you, and loving you, you cope by accepting it. Abused children adapt to far worse than just a spanking by believing that they deserve it. It takes years and counseling to undo that. And that's all I'll say in a public forum. :grin

[Titus2Momof4]

The child can't escape. They can't survive childhood thinking their parents are wrong, for many many reasons, many of which I have forgotten. When abuse comes from the only people who are sheltering you, clothing you, and loving you, you cope by accepting it. Abused children adapt to far worse than just a spanking by believing that they deserve it. It takes years and counseling to undo that. And that's all I'll say in a public forum. :grin


Natalie, ITA with you. This is somewhat of what I was thinking when, in another thread a week or two ago, I said that I did not think it was wise to tell an 8 y/o child that her parents hit her (when the child asked if the GCMer's child would be spanked for spilling a drink). The reason I bring that up is not to beat a dead horse or anything lol, but to say that this is why I try to be careful around children when discussing the topic of spanking (even if it's with that child's parents). Mainly, I think your wording is what I was looking for a couple wks ago when I couldn't quite describe my thoughts and feelings.(Not to confuse "spanking" with "abuse".... but I still think it helps explain why we have a tendency to think that we "deserved" it.)

Personally, we have even had struggle with this as adults, who choose to not spank. Dh doesn't spank our kids...and yet, when talking about the spankings *he* received as a child (many times with a belt, mind you) he used to (note: used to- he's come to the realization that just because his parents did it doesn't make it *ok*)...anyway, he used to say stuff along the lines of "...but I understand why they did it. I deserved it... I did ___ and needed to be punished, I mean..... :shrug" Then there was the period of time a few yrs ago when he wanted to hit our kids with a belt. Granted, I was into spanking back then, and so spanking was ok... but hitting with a belt was NOT ok by me. HOW MANY arguments did we get into over that!! And, I would tell him, Look- I know you were spanked with a belt, so to *you* it is ok.... but *I* was never spanked with anything other than my mom's hand, the 2 times that I can even remember being spanked, and so to ME this is NOT ok at all! I think it took him several times of hearing me say that before he realized that, Hey, this really ISNT ok. I think that is when he began to realize that just because something happened to him as a child, does not make it "ok". There really is this tendency to be totally and completely opposed to something.........and yet when you recall that your own parents did that same thing to YOU, somehow they get a "pass". I am thankful now, several years later, that my dh is very gentle, many times more gentle than I am, and he has come a long way since trying to justify using a belt. :heart :heart :heart