Katherine
01-18-2007, 12:12 PM
This is quite personal, but I'm posting here on a public forum, in the hope that it might help someone *get* how physically invasive punishment and philosophy/religion devoid of personal boundary-setting really can affect people. Something came into focus for me today, and I finally understood what/why I feel the way I do at certain times.
My oldest son is going through a really tough time... sad, weepy, hostile, aggressive, angry, moody. We're in the process of finding a new allergist and thus not being strict with diet except for his anaphylactic triggers, and I strongly suspect based on past experience that his diet is driving the behavior. Still.. it's VERY hard when he's showing such uncharacteristic aggression toward everyone, including me.
This morning, he was frustrated and hit me (not hard) over something small. Instead of calmly stating a boundary and addressing the real upset behind his behavior, I just whirled on him in an instant--the aggression has been so much worse than usual lately, and I had *HAD* it. The feeling that surged up in me has become familiar in recent years, but not present before that. I don't remember feeling it... well, rarely, if ever.. growing up or in my 20's. In the last couple of years I've felt it often, and mainly towards my husband and kids, during that time. :blush It was like a tidal wave of self-defensive instinct.... held back for a lifetime and now ROARING to the surface whenever I feel threatened, mistreated, or taken advantage of. :( The mental response is "YOU WILLLL NOOOOTT HURT ME!" It's overwhelming, and there have been times I've hit or yelled back reflexively without even having time to mentally process the moment. :blush (and I can literally count on one hand the number of times I had yelled at someone before I turned thirty, and I had never hit anyone since I was a very small child and squabbled with my sister--rarely even then--except for spanking my oldest. Thank you, Mr. Pearl, for helping me conquer my reluctance to strike other people :cry :mad)
I believe what I'm feeling is the need to set a boundary... to protect myself. It's not an unhealthy thing, but it's something that children were not encouraged--or permitted--to do in the religious mindest I was raised in. How many of us were told not to put our hands back to protect our bottoms when being spanked, or given more licks for wiggling away, resisting, verbally protesting, or fighting back? How many of us received the spanking in the first place for asserting ourselves, expressing contradiction to an adult, or displaying a negative response to something we were supposed to be accepting of?
The lack of boundaries theme continued as we grew out of childhood.... we were to be docile and accepting under the authority of teachers, church leaders... to "turn the other cheek" when we were injured or personally attacked. Wives were to be docile and subservient toward their husbands in both principle and practice. And on and on... Prayer, continued obedience, and submissiveness (as a testimony to the offending party) were the answers to all but the most grotesque cases of authority being abused. In severe cases, one was advised to appeal to church leadership and follow their directive, even if they instructed you to acquiesce to the mistreatment. :( Onward, Christian soldiers doormats, eh? :hunh :scratch
From the time they are small, children who are physically punished are forced to suppress that most basic fight or flight instinct. They must restrain themselves from fleeing injury and resist the urge to fight back when provoked. To many children who have been punished on a routine basis, even by parents who are otherwise loving and well-meaning, there is something familiar and comfortable--albeit still unpleasant--about being hurt by someone with whom they share an intimate relationship. It doesn't set off the alarm bells like it should. It doesn't feel unnatural or unacceptable like it should. It's not a deal-breaker in their developing relationships. That aspect of their discernment has been dulled over time. Other children become so hyper-sensitive to being hurt that they push all relationships away, or are intolerant of the normal stumbles and mistakes that occur in human relationships.
I reached a crossroads in my life where certain situations could NOT be allowed to continue, and it was at that point I began learning what boundaries were... how to set them... how to respect the boundaries of others, especially those in my care... the difference between controlling others and protecting myself, etc. I began to delve back into the Scripture, earnestly revisiting the passages which I had always believed supported corporeal punishment and power-centerd relational structures such as wife-only submission. I was prepared to follow God's Word--whatever I found there--but I had also resolved to look at the Scripture without presupposing my former beliefs. What I began to learn has been life-changing... but it is still a work in progress.
Granting myself permission to set boundaries has unleashed a lifetime of pent-up self-preservation, and sometimes it pours out at the wrong moments, on the wrong people, and in the wrong way. :blush At least now I understand what it is and why it surges up in me at inopportune moments.
My oldest son is going through a really tough time... sad, weepy, hostile, aggressive, angry, moody. We're in the process of finding a new allergist and thus not being strict with diet except for his anaphylactic triggers, and I strongly suspect based on past experience that his diet is driving the behavior. Still.. it's VERY hard when he's showing such uncharacteristic aggression toward everyone, including me.
This morning, he was frustrated and hit me (not hard) over something small. Instead of calmly stating a boundary and addressing the real upset behind his behavior, I just whirled on him in an instant--the aggression has been so much worse than usual lately, and I had *HAD* it. The feeling that surged up in me has become familiar in recent years, but not present before that. I don't remember feeling it... well, rarely, if ever.. growing up or in my 20's. In the last couple of years I've felt it often, and mainly towards my husband and kids, during that time. :blush It was like a tidal wave of self-defensive instinct.... held back for a lifetime and now ROARING to the surface whenever I feel threatened, mistreated, or taken advantage of. :( The mental response is "YOU WILLLL NOOOOTT HURT ME!" It's overwhelming, and there have been times I've hit or yelled back reflexively without even having time to mentally process the moment. :blush (and I can literally count on one hand the number of times I had yelled at someone before I turned thirty, and I had never hit anyone since I was a very small child and squabbled with my sister--rarely even then--except for spanking my oldest. Thank you, Mr. Pearl, for helping me conquer my reluctance to strike other people :cry :mad)
I believe what I'm feeling is the need to set a boundary... to protect myself. It's not an unhealthy thing, but it's something that children were not encouraged--or permitted--to do in the religious mindest I was raised in. How many of us were told not to put our hands back to protect our bottoms when being spanked, or given more licks for wiggling away, resisting, verbally protesting, or fighting back? How many of us received the spanking in the first place for asserting ourselves, expressing contradiction to an adult, or displaying a negative response to something we were supposed to be accepting of?
The lack of boundaries theme continued as we grew out of childhood.... we were to be docile and accepting under the authority of teachers, church leaders... to "turn the other cheek" when we were injured or personally attacked. Wives were to be docile and subservient toward their husbands in both principle and practice. And on and on... Prayer, continued obedience, and submissiveness (as a testimony to the offending party) were the answers to all but the most grotesque cases of authority being abused. In severe cases, one was advised to appeal to church leadership and follow their directive, even if they instructed you to acquiesce to the mistreatment. :( Onward, Christian soldiers doormats, eh? :hunh :scratch
From the time they are small, children who are physically punished are forced to suppress that most basic fight or flight instinct. They must restrain themselves from fleeing injury and resist the urge to fight back when provoked. To many children who have been punished on a routine basis, even by parents who are otherwise loving and well-meaning, there is something familiar and comfortable--albeit still unpleasant--about being hurt by someone with whom they share an intimate relationship. It doesn't set off the alarm bells like it should. It doesn't feel unnatural or unacceptable like it should. It's not a deal-breaker in their developing relationships. That aspect of their discernment has been dulled over time. Other children become so hyper-sensitive to being hurt that they push all relationships away, or are intolerant of the normal stumbles and mistakes that occur in human relationships.
I reached a crossroads in my life where certain situations could NOT be allowed to continue, and it was at that point I began learning what boundaries were... how to set them... how to respect the boundaries of others, especially those in my care... the difference between controlling others and protecting myself, etc. I began to delve back into the Scripture, earnestly revisiting the passages which I had always believed supported corporeal punishment and power-centerd relational structures such as wife-only submission. I was prepared to follow God's Word--whatever I found there--but I had also resolved to look at the Scripture without presupposing my former beliefs. What I began to learn has been life-changing... but it is still a work in progress.
Granting myself permission to set boundaries has unleashed a lifetime of pent-up self-preservation, and sometimes it pours out at the wrong moments, on the wrong people, and in the wrong way. :blush At least now I understand what it is and why it surges up in me at inopportune moments.