Can somebody summarize "Helpmeet" for me?

[diamondintherough]

I feel like "they" (meaning ladies from church) are ganging up on me. I know they're not, but I feel that way. First, it was the e-mail sent to everyone praising "Created to be his helpmeet" by Debi Pearl. For the mere price of $12.00 I could have my very own copy of this wonderful tome. So-and-so and so-and-so have found it to be very valuable in their own marriages and if you just follow what she has in there, you will too. Then, on Friday dd was invited to go bowling with her "keepers of the home" group from church and lo, and behold, while the kids were bowling some of us moms hung out and chatted a bit. Both of the other moms were talking about the book and asking if I had read it, etc. It's only a matter of time before someone from church gets me alone and pins me against a wall in order to get me to read it.

I'm not in a good place right now, so I think it's best that I not read it lest I get more upset than I am right now (the other stuff is not related). Having been a Pearlite for many years, I've read most of their other stuff and I have no reason to believe that any book by DP is something I really want to read of meditate on any time soon.

So....can someone summarize what's in it for me? I'm trying to assign positive intent here and believe that there must be something good in there for all these people to recommend it and insist that their lives have been changed for the better by it, but it's not easy given my experience with all the other Pearl stuff I've read over the years :sick.

I'd like to be able to have an answer for these people other than, "Oh, the Pearls?...I don't read anything from them anymore--not since I learned they were completely off-base with their parenting advice." I honestly don't have the energy/time right now to dig into it all myself.

Any takers?

[hsgbdmama]

We've discussed this book before, and here is the review I posted on Amazon.com for the book:

I have several issues with the Pearls theologically, and this book is more of that bad theology. Yes, there are nuggets of truth in this book (need to show respect toward your husband, be joyful), but you have to wade through a ton of bad stuff to get to the few nuggets of good. Here is the book in a nutshell: (1) Everything that is wrong with your marriage (abuse, infidelity, porn addition, substance abuse) is YOUR fault (2) All you need to do is smile, wink and give your spouse regular rolls in the sack (3) Once you know your "place" you will be fine (4) Welcome back the spouse who sexually abuses your children (5) Be prepared to "[allow] some abuse" according to Michael Pearl (p. 263) in order to keep the chain of authority intact. This book is full of contradictions and at times draws wild conclusions without offering one iota of scientific evidence. The acknowledgement page states that Michael Pearl "rewrote [Debi's] half-hearted second tries" -- meaning that women are receiving marriage advice from a man, rather than from a Titus 2 woman. Better and healthier books to read include Families Where Grace is in Place by Jeff VanVonderen and the upcoming Grace Based Living by Pastor Crystal Lutton.


You can spend $12 on much better things. :yes

[forty-two]

I've not read it, but here is a link to a GCM post (http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/mb/index.php/topic,72531.0.html) that contains links to other posts and some reviews.

And here is a chapter-by-chapter review (http://razorbackmama.homeschooljournal.net/2006/03/29/cleaning-up-my-sidebar/).

HTH

[diamondintherough]

Thanks ladies, I'll check out the links and see if I can have something ready in my back pocket for the inevitable...it's not a matter of "if", it's a matter of "when". :no2

[hsgbdmama]

Also check out Spunky's (http://spunkyhomeschool.blogspot.com/2005/07/created-to-be-his-help-meet-part-1.html) review of it -- she and her dh wrote it ... there are several parts, and you might want to print it for future reference, since Spunky has ended her blog, and I don't know how long blogger.com will keep it up. :shrug

[4MKfam]

Okay. Here's a possible reply...
...what about telling them you're not interested in reading any more parenting or marriage advice from anything other than the Bible for a while? If that's the case, I would think they couldn't argue with that one. I've done that from time to time --gone on a 'reading fast' to clear my head and get a better idea of what I should do without having to filter it.

[diamondintherough]

Okay. Here's a possible reply...
...what about telling them you're not interested in reading any more parenting or marriage advice from anything other than the Bible for a while? If that's the case, I would think they couldn't argue with that one. I've done that from time to time --gone on a 'reading fast' to clear my head and get a better idea of what I should do without having to filter it.


:tu Great idea! I'm not really up for any debates or discussion at the moment. Thanks for the suggestion.

BTW--I'm almost through with spunky's blog. She brings up some interesting points.

[bzymom4blessings]

I have read it, I can't quite figure out what the big phenauman is with it! :shrug
I took some of it and left most of it!

HTH
Carrie

[mom2threePKs]

I have read it, I can't quite figure out what the big phenauman is with it! :shrug
I took some of it and left most of it!



That's great that you were able to find some nuggets of wisdom in that book. There is so much in that book that can become license for really unhealthy husband/wife dynamics that the nuggets are easily buried under the avalanche of bad ideas. For many people, especially those that are in a spiritual environment that strongly preaches wife-only submission, Pearl's philosophy becomes an unattainable standard where anything that is wrong in the marriage is the wife's fault and the only answer is to try harder and be more submissive. This is a pretty one dimensional view of a very complex organism like marriage.

Combine that with the very questionable, and perhaps even, heretical, theology of the Pearls, and the references to child/spousal abuse not being reason divorce and you have a book that some people feel very strongly isn't worth reading.

There's lots of additional good information in the links posted above about why CTBHH has received so much criticism.

Magan

[katiekind]

Sometimes a fad book takes off and it's really hard to see why--is that what you're saying? I can identify with that. A lot of "fad" books that have ridden a wave of popularity in my area seem to be not that great -- as books, considered in themselves, on their own merits, and particularly if you compare them to the body of existing literature on the subject.

If you took away the "hype" and evaluated the fad book (whichever one) on its own merits, it just wouldn't seem like much: that's my experience.

Of course it can be fun to read a book "in community" as a shared experience, but I agree--this book has a lot to "leave behind". So it seems wise to not feel pressured into reading it, particularly since the line between the good and the bad may be indistinct to the very group seeking information on the subject: choose something else instead. ;)