"Is she gonna' get a spanking for that?"

[Happygrl]

I was at McD's Playland :bag with DD last night. She accidentally knocked over her drink. There was one older (8?) girl in there w/o her parents. When she saw that Elizabeth knocked over her drink, the girl started getting upset and asked if DD was going to get a spanking for it. I wasn't sure how to respond. I figured that if she was asking, she must have seen that happen to someone (herself?) and I didn't want to respond in a way that came off judgmental. I told the girl that no, DD wasn't going to get a spanking because it was an accident. She continued to pester me a few more times. After a few times of repeating that it was an accident, I told her that we don't spank and she was :hunh at me. But she left it at that. Then her mom came in and I overheard her telling her mom about the incident and her mom rolled her eyes, huffed and, rather loudly, made a snide remark about some parents letting their kids get away with anything. I figured it wasn't worth it to respond to the mom.

The whole thing caught me off guard. Since we moved to GA a few months ago, I've seen way too many spankings happen. And when we're at a playground, I frequently see wooden spoons in the mother's purses (since we're at parks or fast-food places, I can't imagine they are carrying it around for baking :no2). Its been very unsettling to me. But this incident has left me rattled.

In case I'm presented with this situation again, is there a better response I could have told the girl?

[mamaKristin]

"I'm her mom, and I have it under control. Thank you" That's what I would say. Accidents happen :shrug I would have been really frustrated to be accused of "letting my kid get away with anything" over an accident. :(

[Bonnie]

"I'm her mom, and I have it under control. Thank you" That's what I would say. Accidents happen :shrug I would have been really frustrated to be accused of "letting my kid get away with anything" over an accident. :(


What she said. Only "really frustrated" is an understatement of significant proportion. ;) Poor little girl...

[ArmsOfLove]

I hesitate to say this because it's not advice, just my equally huffy response :O I'd probably spit out something like, "Less shocking than the abusive and ridiculous way some parents hit their kids for everything." Or I'd adopt a mocking concerned voice and ask the mom, "Excuse me, maybe I'm missing something, are you suggesting spanking for accidentally spilling a drink would actually accomplish something? As that flies in the face of all logic I assume you know something I don't. Please, do share." Probably not what you were going for, though :blush

what I *do* tell children when they ask that is, the first time, "Oh no, sweetie, I don't believe in spanking children. I teach my children and I believe that accidents happen."

[MarynMunchkins]

:( I saw a lot of spanking in GA - much more so than here. I've been asked questions like that by other kids. :(

My typical response is "No, we don't hit people in our family." And occasionally "I'm sorry your mom does that to you." :shifty

[ChristmasGirl]

I frequently see wooden spoons in the mother's purses that would be unsettling :hugheart It sounds like you handled it just fine.

[Mother Duck]

I think others have said all I would have said, I just wanted to offer a :hug It would rattle my cage too.

[righteous mama]

I think I would start carrying a wooden spoon in my purse and at the playground take it out and slightly loudly say, "Here honey, this spoon is for DIGGING!" Or something like that. If someone says, "Oh, we have one of those *wink wink nudge nudge*" I'd simply look :hunh :scratch and say, "Now why-ever would you want to do that?"

:hug2

[MarynMunchkins]

I went out to lunch once with someone who took a bunch of packets of Tabasco sauce to put in their purse. :( They sat beside the wooden spoon. :(

Of course, all those packets mysteriously disappeared while I watched her purse and she went to the bathroom. :shifty

[Rbonmom]

Of course, all those packets mysteriously disappeared while I watched her purse and she went to the bathroom. :shifty


:highfive I love it!

Seriously one of the most sickening things was a customer who came into the restaurant with her 18mo old (I know because I asked) and immediately laid the wooden spoon on the table. She was almost gloating with this smile on her face like, "I'm earning good mom points today!" I just :cry :sick for that poor little baby who couldn't even eat in peace :no2 Shameful.
I just hate how in this culture, moms make a big point to talk about spanking because (I think) it makes them feel like they're "in control" and will be less judged by the other moms.

[ArmsOfLove]

I'd probably ask if my child could use one of those wooden spoons *to* dig :giggle

[Benjaminswife]

I just hate how in this culture, moms make a big point to talk about spanking because (I think) it makes them feel like they're "in control" and will be less judged by the other moms.


This is so true around here. Like as long as you admit you spank, your kids can act however they want. Hey, at least you are trying :rolleyes

[righteous mama]

I'd probably ask if my child could use one of those wooden spoons *to* dig :giggle

I actually thought about that. When you see the kids playing you could say, "Hey, your mom has a spoon in her purse...just use that to dig with!" :shifty

[Teacher Mom]

I am in shock that moms carry wooden spoons in their purses.

WOW.

[cklewis]

First of all, :banghead and :hug


I hesitate to say this because it's not advice, just my equally huffy response :O I'd probably spit out something like, "Less shocking than the abusive and ridiculous way some parents hit their kids for everything." Or I'd adopt a mocking concerned voice and ask the mom, "Excuse me, maybe I'm missing something, are you suggesting spanking for accidentally spilling a drink would actually accomplish something? As that flies in the face of all logic I assume you know something I don't. Please, do share." Probably not what you were going for, though :blush

what I *do* tell children when they ask that is, the first time, "Oh no, sweetie, I don't believe in spanking children. I teach my children and I believe that accidents happen."


I actually fantasize about having Crystal say that to people around me. Hehehehehehehhehehehehehehe. Maybe I'll get the nerve to actually say it myself someday.

C

[akmyilee]

Yep, sounds familier (I am in GA btw).

[Havilah]

Wow. I'm in GA, too, and I'm feeling pretty fortunate right now. People spank, for sure, but I've never seen spoons and packets hanging out of purses. How awful! :(

[forty-two]

I went out to lunch once with someone who took a bunch of packets of Tabasco sauce to put in their purse. :( They sat beside the wooden spoon. :(

Of course, all those packets mysteriously disappeared while I watched her purse and she went to the bathroom. shifty


Out of curiousity, are you certain she intended to use them for punishment?

Without further info (and a traveling spanking spoon, as nasty as it is, is still a far cry from Tabasco-as-punishment imo), my assumption would have been that someone in the family liked Tabasco sauce and she was just being cheap. We often bring home packets of hot sauce, ketchup, red pepper, etc., because my dh eats it. I don't think I'd stick sauce packets in my purse though - my mom did that once while traveling, and ended up with ketchup all over, lol. She has since decided the small savings is not worth it ;).

As far as the OP goes, I probably would have told the girl we don't believe in spanking, and just bit my tongue with the mother, although several not-nice things would have been clamoring to get out.

[Piper2]

I went out to lunch once with someone who took a bunch of packets of Tabasco sauce to put in their purse. :( They sat beside the wooden spoon. :(

Of course, all those packets mysteriously disappeared while I watched her purse and she went to the bathroom. shifty


Out of curiousity, are you certain she intended to use them for punishment?

Without further info (and a traveling spanking spoon, as nasty as it is, is still a far cry from Tabasco-as-punishment imo), my assumption would have been that someone in the family liked Tabasco sauce and she was just being cheap. We often bring home packets of hot sauce, ketchup, red pepper, etc., because my dh eats it. I don't think I'd stick sauce packets in my purse though - my mom did that once while traveling, and ended up with ketchup all over, lol. She has since decided the small savings is not worth it ;).

Not Mary, but from what I remember from her telling this story a long time ago, she did know the sauce was going to be used for punishment.

As far as the OP goes, I probably would have told the girl we don't believe in spanking, and just bit my tongue with the mother, although several not-nice things would have been clamoring to get out.

I probably would have just said, "We don't spank for accidents." Of course, we don't spank for anything, but I'm not about to get into a philosophical discussion with an 8yo or a discipline debate with a perfect stranger. :O

[MarynMunchkins]

Yes, because I asked her why she was carrying Tabasco sauce with her. :(

[forty-two]

Yes, because I asked her why she was carrying Tabasco sauce with her. :(


Yikes! I'd only heard of such a thing here, in the context of "rotten, abusive advice," and I just had a hard time believing real people actually do that. Her response must have floored you.

[MarynMunchkins]

She was an ex-Atlanta cop. TBH, I was kind of scared of her. :shifty The fact that she was punitive was obvious from the moment I met her.

[Beth1231]

Wow. Up here in Pennsylvania, a mom who laid a wooden spoon on the table as an implied threat may very well have a social worker waiting for her when she gets home. Especially with a child under two. A spanking in public is completely taboo and any other kind of public spanking (car, bathroom etc) is flat out risky. I don't think I could handle living down south. I would probably get shunned, so to speak.
I hope God gives you the best convicting comeback EVER for these mamas.

[Joy7]

:jawdrop Thank goodness I am way North! The rare times I've seen a child spanked I've looked so worried/alarmed (can't help it) that the parent usually backtracks to a calmer attitude. If I lived down south my face would be permanently disfigured! LOL

I love telling people that I don't spank. I think it's good for people to hear since people always comment on what nice kids I have. :heart If someone wants to make some flippant remark frankly it makes them look bad!

[klpmommy]

Thank goodness I am way North! The rare times I've seen a child spanked I've looked so worried/alarmed (can't help it) that the parent usually backtracks to a calmer attitude. If I lived down south my face would be permanently disfigured! LOL

I am from TX, but now live in MI. At first I was shocked that "no one" spanked up here, but now I am glad. I think it would have been much harder for me to shift to GBD if I lived in TX when my kids were born.

As for wooden spoons. Before kids I knew I would never use a wooden spoon to spank even though I was *of course* going to spank. One night I was at a friend's house as she & her dh were making spaghetti sauce. She asked her dh to hand her the wooden spoon. Her ds (about 4 y/o) was playing nearby and he went ballistic "No, Mommy. Please don't get the wooden spoon!" and was screaming. It took forever for him to calm down. He hadn't been doing anything that would merit a spanking, but he equated wooden spoon with spankings and totally lost it. :cry

[CelticJourney]

I don't think I could handle living down south.

If it helps, I am in the center of South Carolina (Ezzo's adopted home) and I don't see this happening, BUT that could be for many reasons. I never hung out with 'play groups' very often and those that I did also knew my dh was a cop and probably wouldn't have done anything in front of me - which is a huge red light - if you are afraid of the cops to the point of being afraid of their wives, you are doing something you shouldn't. The other is that I have spoken my mind enough that people probably just know.

On the other hand, I don't see much of that in public either :think Maybe it is our town - lots of people who moved here from other places - can't say I know many 'natives' ?? :shrug

[Chris3jam]

We're in GA, too. And I see the glue sticks in fathers' pockets and in purses when they are opened. Of course, we're more civilized :rolleyes here and the children are taken to the bathroom for "disciplinary" action. :mad We wouldn't see these implements of torture and destruction in plain view. . .I think people take the HSLDA's advice very seriously. :sick :mad :rolleyes

[deena]

We're in GA, too. And I see the glue sticks in fathers' pockets and in purses when they are opened. Of course, we're more civilized :rolleyes here and the children are taken to the bathroom for "disciplinary" action. :mad We wouldn't see these implements of torture and destruction in plain view. . .I think people take the HSLDA's advice very seriously. :sick :mad :rolleyes


glue sticks? What on earth could you do with a glue stick?

[cklewis]

We're in GA, too. And I see the glue sticks in fathers' pockets and in purses when they are opened. Of course, we're more civilized :rolleyes here and the children are taken to the bathroom for "disciplinary" action. :mad We wouldn't see these implements of torture and destruction in plain view. . .I think people take the HSLDA's advice very seriously. :sick :mad :rolleyes


glue sticks? What on earth could you do with a glue stick?


Hit with them. :( Weird, isn't it? AS much as it would be nice that they just have a portable craft corner instead of a comfort corner, it's not that. It's for hitting.

I've been with parents buying them in bulk for this purpose. :(

C

[greenemama]

similar things have happened to us and i just say, "no, he's not." :grin it's not their business. i think it's really weird that the mother was so invasive -- you're in a public place, you don't know her, and she was interfering. otoh, i've seen kids getting their hands slapped or their mom's are threatening spanking and i *do* give the parent a dirty look if we make eye contact and a sympathetic look to the child.

[Titus2Momof4]

Probably going to get me tomatoes..... :duck

But I am not sure about saying to an 8 y/o "Oh no- we don't hit people in our family". :shifty OK I admit that it just kinda doesn't sit well with me. The reason for that is, I am probably assigning too much positive intent here, but I would *assume* that the child's mom does spank her, and would want to *assum* that she is a loving mom. I would not want to assume that she is a wailing, abusive, whacking mom... but rather that she spanks b/c she's been taught thats "what you do". Therefore, I would be afraid of giving the 8 y/o a bad impression of her mom, and making this 8 y/o suddenly start to perhaps question her mom's love or something.

There. I said it. :shifty

FTR, if this were an *adult* I was speaking with, I would probably be less hesitant, but still would want to be cautious- I don't want to turn someone off from my ideas by telling them to their face that they are hitting their kids (even though IMO yes indeed that is exactly what they are doing.... ) Now, were we in a philosophical debate about the whole thing, then no problem. But when I was a spanker, I would have been hurt and unresponsive by that comment to my face (and would have thought the person was a nut) SOMETIMES that "sting" is good and actually gets through to people and makes them say "ok, tell me more." But I would wager that more often than not it would turn people off, and make them dismiss me. I think a "We don't spank in our home, we use PD" would get a more "really, tell me more" type response.

Now that I've walked myself to the end of the plank...... :hiding

[cklewis]

I understand what you mean, Tasha, but there feels to be something vengeful in a 8yo asking that. Providing a factusl response might be a way of addressing that.

C

[MarynMunchkins]

:shrug I don't assume people who spank are abusive. I assume they spank their kids. ;) That's hitting - anyway you slice it. :shrug

[Titus2Momof4]

I know it's hitting, Mary, and I agree w/you. And, just as that mom had no business throwing out her comment and assumptions about what the OP's kid is like, I would also not assume that this mom abuses her child (not that anyone here was assuming that). I guess my point was, I don't know that 'we dont hit our kids' is going to get a 'listening ear' response from people, that's all. I suppose you could feel the situation out a little (i.e. I'd respond differently with a family member than I would a total stranger) Ah well, different strokes/bean dip for different folks- maybe I am just not bold enough to say that to a stranger :shifty No qualms about informing them we don't spank (and proudly so!) but 'hit', errr I'm just not brave enough I guess :blush :O :blush I guess part of it is also all in HOW you say it, too........even if you do say 'hit'.

Camille, are you saying you think maybe the 8 y/o was asking that b/c she feels like since SHE gets spanked for stuff, then the OP's kid should be spanked too? Is that what you mean by 'vengeful'?

[cklewis]

Camille, are you saying you think maybe the 8 y/o was asking that b/c she feels like since SHE gets spanked for stuff, then the OP's kid should be spanked too? Is that what you mean by 'vengeful'?


:yes :think

c

[MarynMunchkins]

I would answer differently if an adult asked me if my child was going to be spanked than another child. Frankly, I don't think children are so dumb they've convinced themselves that hitting and spanking are different. So I call it what it is, and reassure them that my children are safe.

I'm more likely to be tempered in speech with an adult who does spank because I'm trying to be kind. :)

[Titus2Momof4]

I would answer differently if an adult asked me if my child was going to be spanked than another child. Frankly, I don't think children are so dumb they've convinced themselves that hitting and spanking are different. So I call it what it is, and reassure them that my children are safe.

I'm more likely to be tempered in speech with an adult who does spank because I'm trying to be kind. :)


I understand :) I guess I'm just the same way with kids as I am with adults. Then again, *my* kids call it "hitting", and the times I have slipped up and hit them, they tell me, "Mommy, we aren't supposed to hit in our house!" through tears :( :cry OF COURSE this just makes me feel about this big, but I am not too proud to say, "You are right- we DONT, and Mommy should not have either. Come here, Mommy is sorry, I should not have hit." I just kinda wonder what will happen one day when they are playing with friends in the next room and the subject comes up...I know they are going to tell a kid that the kid is being hit (if the kid says they get spanked) :shifty

[mokamoto]

[quote]Her ds (about 4 y/o) was playing nearby and he went ballistic "No, Mommy. Please don't get the wooden spoon!" and was screaming. It took forever for him to calm down. He hadn't been doing anything that would merit a spanking, but he equated wooden spoon with spankings and totally lost it. :cry


:cry :cry

[Knitted_in_the_womb]

Wow. Up here in Pennsylvania, a mom who laid a wooden spoon on the table as an implied threat may very well have a social worker waiting for her when she gets home.

Where in PA are you? I'm in the Lehigh Valley.

And unfortunately, I think you are going to find out that you are mistaken. A study done out of Lehigh University (Bethlehem) several years back found that 40% of parents of preschoolers had spanked the child(ren) hard enough to leave bruises within the past year!

Once you become a mother, you get exposed to a lot of things that you don't see before having kids...and much of it will turn your stomach. I've observed moms/dads requesting spanking implements (hairbrushes or spoons) when visiting at other people's houses, and I've actually been asked to provide a spoon (I refused). I've been around many conversations where moms talk about keeping the spoon in their back pocket, they need it so much.

Hugs!

Jenn...mom to 4 kiddos.

[Piper2]

I've observed moms/dads requesting spanking implements (hairbrushes or spoons) when visiting at other people's houses, and I've actually been asked to provide a spoon (I refused). I've been around many conversations where moms talk about keeping the spoon in their back pocket, they need it so much.

Back when I was in college, we had a woman in our church who brought her granddaughter to church with her for awhile (dont know the specifics of the situation -- whether she was keeping her while the parents couldn't, or what). From what I remember, the little girl was maybe around 4 or 5yo. Anyway, when the woman got to church in the morning, she would go out to the bushes and get a switch to bring in with her and kept it under her chair. Whenever the granddaughter got too fidgety or turned around in her chair (we didn't have a nursery or children's church at the time -- not enough kids), she would just pick up the swich and the little girl would immediately stop and sit up straight.

I never witnessed the switch ever actually being used at church, but you know it had to have been used enough prior to that for the girl to have been "trained" so well. :/

[Knitted_in_the_womb]

Probably going to get me tomatoes..... :duck

But I am not sure about saying to an 8 y/o "Oh no- we don't hit people in our family". ... I would be afraid of giving the 8 y/o a bad impression of her mom....



No tomatoes...but...as an adult who was a child who was beaten...I can tell you that a child can hold dual beliefs about their parents--that they do terrible things, and that they love their children.

My parents beat me. I knew that. Children know that spanking is hitting. When kids do start playing word games (I wasn't out of bed mommy--my hand was still on the bed!), where do you think they learn it? From their parents! "Don't hit! Wack, wack!"

I think that to have an adult properly identify the action validates the child--it was very validating for me when a friend of my step-mother's told me that she knew I was being abused. (Of course frustrating too because she didn't do anything with that knowledge! :banghead ). Telling the child "we don't do that in our family" plants a seed for when that child grows up--"my family does not need to do this."

Jenn

[Chris3jam]

I've observed moms/dads requesting spanking implements (hairbrushes or spoons) when visiting at other people's houses,

When I go to people's houses (rare, I know), I am inevitably offered the use of a glue stick or flexible inplement or spoon with which to 'drive home' any lessons I wish to impart upon my children when they mess up (which children tend to do). I refuse or ignore and keep on doing what I'm doing afa "discipline". G'ma uses a fly swatter and a yard stick and sometimes her back-scratcher. And they don't bother with the "talk" part, either. They just whack. :shrug

[Piper2]

My dad hit Kevin with a paint stirrer stick once (for repeatedly getting into something at their house) and my mother spanked Kevin's hands once when DH and I had run to the store (for trying to wash batteries :rolleyes). We haven't left them alone with him since, but I think his reactions to their hitting him were so surprising, it's helped drive home the fact that we simply don't do that (when my mom hit him for the battery thing, instead of the contrite apology she was apparently expecting, he just said, "Nana give owie!" and she didn't really appreciate him telling it like it was :shifty).