friend recommended TTUAC to me...

[Esther]

hi,

My baby is 8m. old and starting to crawl. I was talking to a friend today and just mentioned how we have to baby proof the house a lot more. She then recommended TTUAC. :banghead :td

This got us in a whole conversation as to why I don't like that book, etc. She is a fairly new Christian and used to be deep into New Age. Her dc are 13 and 9.
She shared that she was way too permissive with her boys when they were little, because of the New Age stuff she was into and that she needed something like TTUAC.
She kept on defending the book and spanking, but also said she only read half the book, because by then she realised MP was off the wall with his theology. :hunh :scratch
Sigh.... I hope I haven't cut her off. The conversation was over the phone and after a while she said she had to go quite suddenly.
I haven't known her that long, I just hope I was gracious enough and that it will stir something in her.

How do you handle conversations like this?
She also said that most people will just take from the book what they need and not take it to the extreme. But I do know (I read the book myself some 3 years ago) that MP implies or says you have to follow his principles (formula, I'd call it) completely or it will not work.
I can see the inconsistencies of what she was saying, but she just kept on saying how we need to spank and start early, etc.

She also brought up that TTUAC says you need to meet all the child's needs first and if they still misbehave, that's when you spank them.
But I've learned here that if you meet your child's needs, they have no need to misbehave! :shrug :think

:banghead :banghead :banghead

I'm off to email her now. Please pray for me, for wisdom and the right words to say...
Thanks for letting me vent!

[Mother Duck]

:hug2 That's a tough situation :pray for wisdom and peace for you and for an openness in your friend.

[mama2three]

Praying for wisdom in this, and that her heart is open. Do you have other books you can recommend to her in place of TTUAC where she will actually agree that you can have sound theology and not be punitive towards your children?

Completely OT - we are all Kiwis. We should have a get together sometime. :)

[Esther]

Completely OT - we are all Kiwis. We should have a get together sometime. happy smile

Wow! That would be fun! But I'm in the Bay of Plenty and I know Sarah is in the South Island...
Oh, and I'm not a Kiwi :cool
I'm Dutch but married to a kiwi ;)

Where in NZ are you???

[Katigre]

I would probably tell her that you see the error/danger in permissive parenting and are happy with the style you have chosen. She's probably concerned that you not repeat her mistakes and sees spanking as the only way to not be permissive - so if you can plant the nugget of truth with her that spanking/not spanking is NOT where the crux of effective discipline rests that would be a good start :).

[mama2three]

I am currently in the States (married an American) but we are moving home soon. We are going to be in the Tauranga area, where in the Bay are you?

[OpalsMom]

Just a caution: Kids will "misbehave" even if you meet all their needs. It's part of learning -- some of that is unintentional, things that kids just do count as "misbehaving" if you think that way. But some of it is finding out what happens when you break the rules. No method of discipline will give you a child who is always "well-behaved" (and hitting them is more likely than gentle discipline to give you a child who always looks well-behaved when in public with a parent -- which is a very very different thing from giving you a child who genuinely is well-behaved and well-intentioned).

Your friend might be annoyed, or just frustrated with that one conversation. She also might just have been called away suddenly -- life with kids tends to be like that. Only time will tell. Meanwhile, the best thing to do might be to thank her for her concern and agree to disagree. It doesn't sound like there's an urgent issue here.

And, I'm American married to Australian, but I'm going to a family wedding in Tauranga at the beginning of February!

[Katigre]

Just a caution: Kids will "misbehave" even if you meet all their needs. It's part of learning -- some of that is unintentional, things that kids just do count as "misbehaving" if you think that way. But some of it is finding out what happens when you break the rules.
:yes

[Crawfish Monica]

I'm wondering if you could suggest that your friend read the reviews of the TTUAC on Amazon's website. By far, the majority of the reviews are negative about the book. I understand your concerns. I have a friend who is reading Babywise - same story, different Publisher. :shrug

[Esther]

hi,

Raquelita, thank you! I have sort of said that, what you suggested. I'm praying it has planted a seed in her heart.

Opalsmom & mama2three, how exciting you are coming to the Tauranga area!!!
Did you notice my avatar??? It's a photo of the beach by Papamoa, where we live.

Opalsmom, if you have time while you're here, would like to meet up??? And mama2three, I'd love to meet you once you move here.

I know of one other mum on these boards who lives in Tauranga. But I haven't caught up with her for ages. Maybe we can plan a GCM get-together?!?

What a spin-off of this topic :)
I never thought I'd 'meet' you all here!

:heart

[Mother Duck]

Dh's parents and most of his family live in Tauranga! Wonder if we could plan a trip up :think ... :no I doubt it unless we decide to move up that way in four weeks!

[Threeblindmice]

:scratch

For some reason "New" Christians trying to be by the "book", so to speak are often attracted to TTUAC like material. It is part of "growing up", so to speak as a Christian. There is better material out there that I would ask her to look over, and if not, then she need not suggest this punitive material to you. We all have our methods in religion, however, the beauty of it is, they do not have to be imposed on on another. She obviously got bamboozled and now regrets how she raised her children....however, you have a fresh start.

I would start with better material for sure....by the way, burn TTUAC and do not even give it to anyone else..... :hug2

[katiekind]

For some reason "New" Christians trying to be by the "book", so to speak are often attracted to TTUAC like material. It is part of "growing up", so to speak as a Christian.

So true!

[Esther]

Thank you, threeblindmice! So true what you said.

I never owned TTUAC ( :phew), someone had lent me their copy a few years back. I gave it back to her before I realised how toxic the book is...

The only discipline book I own myself is 'Heartfelt discipline' and if the topic comes up again with my friend, I will offer it to her to borrow and read.
I did get a reply to my email to her. She wasn't upset with me when she got off the phone. We have just graciously agreed to disagree on this issue.

Oh, and to all you people who will be in the Tauranga, NZ area some time soon: feel free to PM me if you're serious about a get-together!!! :yes :cool

[mama2three]

Once our house sells I will definately give you a call. How fun!