Babies Online Crazy Advice

[Benjaminswife]

So I was looking at the babiesonline website and under week 3 for a newborn I saw this-

If your baby has colic, then there will be no consoling him. If he won’t nap, he is dry, fed, and burped, but still crying; all you can really do is try to comfort him. Rock him, hold him, but don’t get discouraged if nothing you do makes his stop crying. Remember to take breaks yourself, so that you don’t break down and start crying, too. It is perfectly acceptable to lay your baby down in his crib, bassinet, or other safe place, and let him cry for a while so that you can take a shower, talk to a friend on the phone, or eat dinner.

I know this is mainstream but this seems CRAZY to me to suggest that it's okay to lay your crying 3 week old down to talk to a friend on the phone???? How sad :( I hope people don't really take this advice.

[hsgbdmama]

:hunh :cry :bheart

More and more, parenting "advice" is becoming parent-centered, isn't it. :sad2

[Can Dance]

well, I gotta tell ya, after last night, I can certainly understand it. I would much much prefer that somebody puts their baby down for 5 minutes so they don't hurt them. I don't suppose I would suggest calling a friend, unless you are calling that friend for emotional support. I have never had a colicly baby, but I have had times where the baby won't stop crying and crying and its very difficult to continually tell yourself that "she isn't doing this to make me mad, she isn't doing this to make me mad...."
sorry. Last night was terrible. :neutral

[cheri]

well, I gotta tell ya, after last night, I can certainly understand it. I would much much prefer that somebody puts their baby down for 5 minutes so they don't hurt them

I absolutely agree. While I personally can't imagine ever leaving a baby to cry, I haven't been in everyone else's shoes, either. And when I was working with "high risk" moms who were under extreme amounts of stress due to finances, unsupportive families, unsupportive baby's dad, and all kinds of other things, I told them that if they ever felt that they were getting to the point when they just couldn't take the crying anymore, to put the baby down in the crib (or other safe place) and take a breath. I'd much rather they do that than hurt the baby. I had one mom who would get so frustrated that she would put her baby in the crib, go into the bathroom, shut the door, smoke a cigarette with the window opened, and then come back out 5 minutes later when she was more calm. She was afraid that she would hurt him if she didn't calm down.

And I can see calling a friend if you need the support. Or putting the baby down to eat. I mean, if you haven't eaten all day because you've been holding the baby... and you're having a hard time even eating a sandwich or heating a bowl of soup in the microwave, at some point you're going to have to put the baby down. Not everyone has someone with them to help out. Sometimes moms are completely alone.

[erinee]

Yes, there were a couple of nights that I *had* to put Zach down, or I'm afraid of what I would have done. :cry He would scream for hours on end. I would hold him as long as I could, but a couple of times I had to put him down in a safe place and walk away. I am very glad that someone told me it was okay to do that. I hadn't found out about AP yet, but I was far from detached, too. I didn't have a sling, but I did get a snuggly, and I held him as much as I could. He wouldn't let me do otherwise!

Of course, I"m against crying it out, and I always have been. The difference is that this happened only a couple of times and only in his first couple of months when things were really hard. It was *not* how I normally handled things, and it wasn't just for convenience. It was in severe circumstances where I really felt I might hurt him. I hope that's what the article meant.

[cheri]

I think it is VERY vital that parents with nonstop screamers feel like they have permission to do that when they feel stressed beyond their limit.

Absolutely. It's very easy, especially in AP circles, for moms to end up feeling guilty for putting their babies down. And they are completely tapped out-no sleep, no food, no energy, no help... and people are telling them to keep holding the baby when they really just need 5 minutes to feel human again.

[SouthPaw]

i think that, in context, that is good advice. :hug

[MarynMunchkins]

Yep. :yes If you've ever had a colicky baby (especiallly when you have other kids to take care of as well), putting the baby down and eating, peeing, or attending to another child while they scream is life. :shrug It's not CIO - it's crying while mom attempts to cope with life. :)

[Mother of Sons]

I think it is VERY vital that parents with nonstop screamers feel like they have permission to do that when they feel stressed beyond their limit.

:yes

[milkmommy]

I agree with others there is a diffrence betwwen my MIL who suggested we stick the bassinet in closet and go outside so we didn't have to hear the baby cry :shifty :hunh :mad and an over tired stressed mom who needs to lay baby in a safe place and take 5 mintues to regroup.
I still remeber the day I put cecilia in her crib and locked my self in our bathroom crying from the stress of her not nursing :cry

Deanna

[hey mommy]

I remember *several* times putting C in a safe place and sitting on the front step of our apt.(could still hear him, but was away from him) so as not to hurt him... Yeah, if you've had a colicky or HN child, you understand the need to get away before you do something you'll regret forever... In fact, I have done that even in the past year or so..

I still remeber the day I put cecilia in her crib and locked my self in our bathroom crying from the stress of her not nursing

I've done the exact same thing for the same reason....

[hsgbdmama]

There is a definite difference between putting a baby down for 5 minutes so mom can compose herself, and putting the baby down in order to simply not deal with things.

:hugheart

[erinee]

And there's also a definite difference between crying and colicky crying. I"ve had one colicky baby and one baby who was more what I expected a baby to be like. There is definitely a difference. Fortunately my colicky, HN baby was my first, or I would have been completely thrown for a loop!

[hey mommy]

Yeah, the fact that say 'talk on the phone, eat dinner' is kind of ick... How many times have we ate w/babies in our arms, or eaten cold dinners b/c we didn't put our babies down 'just to get things done'.. Heck, I only have 1 kid and I'm just barely getting to eat warm dinners.... lol

[Mother of Sons]

Did your 1 kid have colic or scream in pain for days and nights in a row?

[hey mommy]

Did your 1 kid have colic or scream in pain for days and nights in a row?


Yes, and b/c of it, DH swore we would never have another baby... Thankfully, he changed his mind...

[erinee]

Yeah, the fact that say 'talk on the phone, eat dinner' is kind of ick... How many times have we ate w/babies in our arms, or eaten cold dinners b/c we didn't put our babies down 'just to get things done'.. Heck, I only have 1 kid and I'm just barely getting to eat warm dinners.... lol


Again, I haven't read the whole article, so I don't know if it's saying to do it "just to get things done" or telling moms it's okay if you need to put your baby down to collect yourself. I needed to be told that. There were times I needed to talk on the phone to a friend -- not for fun or convenience, but to cry because this baby was screaming and I had done everything I could, and I was crying, too, and I didn't know what to do. He was my only one at that point. Had I had a toddler running around at the same time, I really don't know how I would have managed. I never needed to put Megan down to cry. I was able to hold her through her rare crying jags --they didn't last for hours on end. There was a huge difference between parenting my HN baby and my more easygoing baby.

Again, it really depends to me on the intent of the article.

[Benjaminswife]

Okay I must have just read it very differently because when I read about talking to a friend on the phone I did not think it meant to put the baby down for 5 minutes out of need but that it was okay to just let them cry and go call a friend for fun. I have also been at my limit. And I can only imagine how it would be if your child was colicky. But I read it as "It's okay to let them cry to do the things you want" rather than out of need.

I hope I didn't make anyone feel bad, I guess I just read it differently. :shrug

[erinee]

I hope I didn't make anyone feel bad, I guess I just read it differently.

Not at all! I just wanted to point out that there is a difference between putting a colicky baby down to keep him safe and letting a baby CIO so you can get more sleep. I read the paragraph as I did based on the first sentence:

If your baby has colic, there will be no consoling him.

That's where I've been, and I read it assuming the article was about dealing with those babies who scream endlessly. But you didn't make me feel bad. I totally got that you were reading it and thinking about parents who make their "normal" babies CIO just so they can get on with their lives. :hug

[milkmommy]

i agree the words of "talking to a friend" sounds a bit confusing. I can read that as take a quick call or a minute to get some support or to chat for hours and can see how many can misintruput the writers intent. I hope they meant a minture or so to answer the phone or gain composure VS an hour of CIO to chat. :hug2

Deanna

[cheri]

Yeah, the fact that say 'talk on the phone, eat dinner' is kind of ick

my dd was never colicky, but has always preferred to be held (and still prefers to be held for naps at 13 mos) I've had plenty of cold meals or no meal at all. I can only imagine that it would be so much more difficult had she been colicky or a higher needs baby. And when you're alone, it's so much harder. I'm alone for a week at a time and I've gone days without a shower because she didn't want to be put down and I didn't want to let her cry. Or I've gone to the bathroom with her on my lap. I have been frustrated. And if she didn't stop crying even though I was holding her, I know I would have been even more frustrated. Sometimes when you are alone you need to talk to a friend for comfort. And sometimes you want to eat more than a slice of bread or piece of lunchmeat (because you're so frazzled you can't even put them together to make a sandwich) while you're standing up holding a baby, wearing the same clothes that you wore the day before. I don't think that is parent centered or selfish or icky at all. I think that moms need to take care of themselves, too.

[LauraK]

It does not seem crazy to me at all. I have also had a baby who cried for HOURS and it is one thing to hold your baby who is happy to be held and eat your dinner and I have many many times also held a crying baby while eating, yes I have done that more times than I can count but when I had one that cried and cried and cried you do need to take little breaks sometimes. I wish someone had given me that advice, instead I had a copy of Babywise which horrified me because I thought, if I did that my child would be crying alone for multiple hours each and every day and no way was I going to do that or I had the advice "a babies needs are immediate" ringing in my head and I felt like an absolute and total failure. I would try everything and in all honesty I realize looking back and sometimes think I tried too hard and that I over stimulated her. If baby is screaming in your arms, or out of your arms and a little break would help you regroup, get some energy be able to deal better I am all for taking it.

Anyway...just my thoughts. Not to jump on the original poster but just to say I have jumped in the shower and taken a real quicky and things like that too, when your dh is gone and you have multiple kids who need you, one of whom never sleeps outside of being physically connected to you sometimes you need a couple minutes to regroup. When your child cries and cries and cries sometimes you just need to figure out how to survive.

[Katherine]

I agree with what the others are saying, and I'll also add that as we've added children to our family, *I've* had to give myself permission to let the baby cry for a minute so I can wipe someone else's bottom, tend to a boo-boo, or tend to some personal need that required both hands. Yes, I've done all those things with baby in a sling, too... but sometimes my back can't take anymore (I have compressed discs and a spondello) or I need two hands to accomplish something. Dh is not around much, so I commonly go through a 14-16 hour day by myself with 3 kids. So my perspective on crying has changed a bit over time as reality asserted itself more and more into my life. I still don't like it, still do everything in my power to comfort baby, etc., but when nothing is working and I need to take a deep breath or meet another need, I will sit him down somewhere and do what needs to happen. It's usually just for a couple of minutes and then I'm back to offering help in some form or another.

[KitKat]

With my first, he was colicky, AND my husband was deployed. So there were days when I would put the baby in the swing in the bathroom so I could take a shower and brush my teeth. There were days when I would put him in the playpen so that I could make myself food. There were times when I would put him in his room and go to call my mom crying. So, yes, I completely agree, you need permission to do that.


I remember one morning at 3 a.m. the baby STILL had not slept and was screaming, so I packed him into the car and took him for a drive. I was in pajamas and slippers. I got pulled over by a cop who thought I was driving drunk because I was swerving. He asked what I was doing and I told him that I was trying to get the baby to sleep. He looked in back and told me he was almost out and to start driving home. He was nice enough to follow me.

My point is, sometimes it is absolutely necessary with a colicky baby to let them cry for a few minutes.

[Rabbit]

Since it is impossible to hold a screaming, arching baby with one hand, it is impossible to go to the bathroom, make food, eat food, brush hair, like you can with a non-colicky crier or sleeping infant.

-Natalie

[Heather Micaela]

Since it is impossible to hold a screaming, arching baby with one hand, it is impossible to go to the bathroom, make food, eat food, brush hair, like you can with a non-colicky crier or sleeping infant.
-Natalie

yes dd1 was like this. It is easy to feel overwhelmed and resentful if you do not put the baby down for a minute or two

I feel that way currently because the baby is sick

[MarynMunchkins]

I think it's funny that every parent who had a colicky screamer immediately understood the point of the article, while those with quieter babies read it differently. :giggle

[erinee]

I think it's funny that every parent who had a colicky screamer immediately understood the point of the article, while those with quieter babies read it differently. :giggle


:giggle :yes

[Heather Micaela]

I think it's funny that every parent who had a colicky screamer immediately understood the point of the article, while those with quieter babies read it differently. :giggle


:giggle :yes

:lol

[TulipMama]

I think it's funny that every parent who had a colicky screamer immediately understood the point of the article, while those with quieter babies read it differently.

At the same time. . . I would have liked for the author to be a bit clearer, so that it would not be read by "mainstream" parents with "normal" babies as justification to not attend to a baby's needs--as it can be read. "If he won’t nap, he is dry, fed, and burped, but still crying. . .t is perfectly acceptable to lay your baby down in his crib, bassinet, or other safe place, and let him cry for a while so that you can take a shower, talk to a friend on the phone, or eat dinner."

Yes, it IS important to communicate to mothers that it is okay to put down a baby so you don't go insane and mistreat the baby or to take care of yourself when you have done everything you can to take care of baby--but I think it needs to be done more carefully than was done here. "If he won’t nap, he is dry, fed, and burped, but still crying" is the type of language that is used to justify CIO and dismissing the comfort needs of babies.

[ArmsOfLove]

ITA with Tulipmama!

I was disturbed by the lighthearted tone of the quote :think "If your baby is unconsolable, just lay them down and get back to enjoying your life" was how it read to me (and I assure you, Liam was unconsolable :shifty).

I also wish they had added more and better advice

[hey mommy]

I've heard a lot of "well, if you are going to cry while I'm holding you, I'll just put you down and you cry there" to infants.. I always hated that so never said it to DS. I've heard it from a lot of moms though..

[Beauty4Ashes]

When ds1 was a baby and dh's family came to help us, there were times when he would be passed from me to mil to auntie to dh's uncle to dh in a futile effort to console him. All of us were trying our hardest, but he was not a baby who would respond to just being held and a back rub. You had to do a and then b and then c and then f. To this day, he gets bored easily, though it is much easier to console him now that he's 2.5 y/o.

[Heather Micaela]

very well put, rene

[cindergretta]

:tu Rene! :yes

[TulipMama]

Rene, I *totally* get what you are saying. And I assume the author was thinking much like you and had good intents with writing it. :heart

[ArmsOfLove]

I still maintain that his *examples* were too pithy for *my* liking.

and Liam had beyond colic--he has silent reflux and autism and dh spent the first three months of his life sleepwalking to keep him upright and moving :( I do understand that sometimes you can't do anything. I was bothered by the tone is all, not the encouragement that it's better to step away than to abuse or that you can take a breather and get your sanity without feeling guilty :hug2 And I was only going on the blurb from the OP, not the extensive quote you offered, Rene. In that context it sounds much more reasonable and encouraging.

[cindergretta]

I think Rene wrote that blurb, AOL. As an example of how it could have been better written....

[BornFreeBaby]

I agree that the majority would take that quote as permission to CIO, because that is what their mother and mother in law and friends are probably telling them to do. Colic is not the average baby. Colic affects 10-30% of babies. The majority of babies do not get colic. The advice in the script given by the OP is no different than 'Babywise' advise; if they are changed, burped, clean and fed, then let them cry.

We have always said on this board that a child's emotional needs are just as important as their physical ones. They should also mention cutting out certain foods from a mom's diet or switching to a soy or hypoallergenic formula. The way Rene wrote that was much better put with more sensitivity.

[mom2jolakeil]

Since it is impossible to hold a screaming, arching baby with one hand, it is impossible to go to the bathroom, make food, eat food, brush hair, like you can with a non-colicky crier or sleeping infant.

-Natalie


That's how Laura was. I RARELY put her down, but I had to occassionally. Poor Johannah was such a good toddler and got neglected because Laura never stopped crying. Laura would arch in the sling and in arms. It was a hard 6 months of non stop crying! But I do remember occassionally putting her down. Luckily she liked the shower, so I got that a couple of times a day (I'd wait for the water to warm back up and we were right back in!) :giggle


But see, that's not what the quote said. It said If he won’t nap, he is dry, fed, and burped, but still crying; all you can really do is try to comfort him. And then it said Rock him, hold him, but don’t get discouraged if nothing you do makes his stop crying.

And *only then* does it say: Remember to take breaks yourself, so that you don’t break down and start crying, too.

And only after *all that* is said, does the author give examples of what that break might look like, *after* it has been established that when you've made sure all the basic needs are met, *after* you have tried have tried everything you can to comfort him, *after* you have done your best not to get discouraged, you are now trying to avoid your own break down point--- lay a baby down, eat dinner, call someone.

The very first line says he is talking about *colicky* babies. I just don't read this as a straight line from baby's crying------> stick him in a crib and get along with your life, at all. :scratch :shrug And I *do* that the mothers of colicky babies definitely need to hear that it is o.k. to take a few minutes for yourself.

But, I do agree that this advice could be written in a manner that was more expanded and fleshed out. Something along the lines of ...


You hit it on the head, Rene. I think it's important for moms of colicky babies to know it's ok to put them down. I also can see how moms of normal babies would take it out of context though. My SIL comes to mind, I'm still upset that she put my easy first born in her crib to let her CIO when she was 4 months old ("she didn't want to eat, cried while held, didn't want to play so we put her to bed :mad :mad :mad