assigning positive intent.....

[ShowersofBlessings]

I need some help! I KNOW in my brain that ds is not doing things ON PURPOSE to make me upset. He is being a child. How do I stop *feeling* so upset with him? I want him to act like an adult, but he's 3 and I know that is totally unrealistic and unfair to him.

Here's one example: Today he poured all the dish soap out into the sink. I know that he was trying to be helpful and do the dishes for me. Even though I know this I still feel upset about it. How do I change my attitude? On the outside, I try to be gentle, but these feelings keep building up and then I act irritated with him eventually when he doesn't do everything perfectly. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? :banghead

Another example: Since my ds is 3 he is clumsy and falls quite often. So he hurts himself and starts crying, yet I get irritated with him for falling....... :cry I hate hearing him cry. What is an appropriate response to this? I don't want to encourage him to cry but I don't want to him to think that I don't care.....

I am so frustrate with myself. Most of the time I know what I need to do, but my attitude is not right. My actions may start out right, but then eventually my irritation will show through.

[HomeWithMyBabies]

I think it's ok to feel upset when that stuff happens. Sometimes my ds does some really annoying things that throw off what I have to do, and it is frustrating. I don't think it's wrong to be irritated even when you're assigning positive intent.

Lately I just take a deep breath, express whatever it is I'm feeling, and go from there.

I also have a few things I tell myself, little mantras so to speak, that I use to try to remind myself what my goals are. Sometimes I wander the house muttering, "to the least of these, to the least of these" :lol

Another example: Since my ds is 3 he is clumsy and falls quite often. So he hurts himself and starts crying, yet I get irritated with him for falling....... I hate hearing him cry. What is an appropriate response to this? I don't want to encourage him to cry but I don't want to him to think that I don't care.....

When ds falls we have few rituals that seem to help, like "booboo bunny" comes out of the freezer or I get him a glass of water. Sometimes he's clumsy because he's overtired, and he's just going to cry and there's nothing I can do.

I'm still learning myself but HTH

[Wonder Woman]

I don't know much about your background, so I'm probably wayyyyyyy off base here...

But when I'm feeling that way toward Jaden, it's because he's just done something that I would have been severely punished for as a child. And it's like part of me feels that I need to treat him how I would have been treated - I *don't* of course! - but the feeling is there.

I usually have to kind of stop and get centered again and remember that my goal is to *not* transfer those negative emotions onto him.

(Then I usually wind up on the phone to Crystal again for another counseling session :shifty because I'm still processing lots of junk :duck )

Anyway - not very helpful I know - just a long BTDT...:hug

[Titus2Momof4]

I think the best thing to remind yourself in the situation about dishsoap is that it was an accident. For me, whether it was on accident or on purpose, either way the dishsoap was dumped all out. My reaction would still be the same (although- on purpose, I would have to do some mental exercises "He didn't know that he was going to dump the whole thing, he thought he was helping, he didn't do it to make me mad, etc.)

I think I remember being upset with my twins for real accidents like being clumsy and falling, or tripping and falling. It's like I expected them to be PERFECT or something. For me that was when I was into punitive parenting though. I think the best thing to help get past that one is just to realize that you have that tendency, and knowing it and admitting is the first step, I believe :heart Now, where do you go from there. Well, next time it happens, stop yourself from being upset/annoyed :) It's been awhile since I've felt that way with my kids, but I DO know exactly what you mean :hug

[MarynMunchkins]

I think part of disciplining our children is showing them how to handle emotions. So saying "I'm upset the soap is dumped out and this is a mess." is not only ok, but it's important for children to see.

There's a HUGE difference between expressing emotions and blaming a child for how you feel. :) I know that if I don't articulate how I feel, I'm much more likely to blow up later. :hug

[ArmsOfLove]

how would your mother or father have responded if you'd have done the soap dumping? Are you channeling their reaction? Have you dealt with your feelings about being a child in their home?

[Marsha]

Yesterday, my 4 yo was trotting in front of the shopping cart. It irritated me some, but I was in a hurry and didn't say anything. I clipped her ankle. And she started crying hysterically (think too many cookies and not enojugh protein). What did I do? I started blaming her for being in front of the cart, all because I was in a hurry and didn't want to comfort her and she was so hysterical it was taking longer than 30 seconds, plus I felt guilty since I'm not entirely sure it was completely an accident since it irritated me, and so on.

I know what you mean. As I was doing it, I remembered my mom did that to me a lot cause I was the oldest, so if I hurt myself it was always my fault.

(((hugs)))

[klpmommy]

:hug

My kids have done that with shampoo in the bathtub. And typically when I don't have spare shampoo & wasn't planning on going to the store anytime soon. Sigh. It is fun to squeeze out the soap, you get extra bubbles & it flows differently than water. I gave them a couple of empty bottles & they use those now & leave my shampoo alone (which I usually remember to move out of reach before they take a bath).

Yesterday, my 4 yo was trotting in front of the shopping cart. It irritated me some, but I was in a hurry and didn't say anything. I clipped her ankle. And she started crying hysterically (think too many cookies and not enojugh protein). What did I do? I started blaming her for being in front of the cart, all because I was in a hurry and didn't want to comfort her and she was so hysterical it was taking longer than 30 seconds, plus I felt guilty since I'm not entirely sure it was completely an accident since it irritated me, and so on.

Oh, my. So BTDT. Probably even this week. In fact, I know that yesterday dd & I managed to bump into each other totally on accident & I spilled a cup of ice water all over her. I got upset with her and I know I shouldn't have b/c it really was a total accident.

I don't want to encourage him to cry but I don't want to him to think that I don't care.....

If he is already crying, you aren't encouraging him to cry by responding in sympathy to him. I try to hold my kids when they fall and cry & give them sympathy & after they are settling down if they are still crying I playful parent them out of it. That looks totally different with both kids. With ds I can actually "tease" him- big wet kisses (lots of lip licking before giving him a kiss), kissing the wrong body part b/c I can't figure out where his -- is (if he hurt his finger I can't find his finger so I kiss his ear, his elbow, his tummy, etc). DD doesn't like to be teased & so I have to do more distracting with her rather than playing- let's read a book or where is your ---- toy. She also usually needs to cry longer than ds does & a lot of the time she needs a snack, too.