Can you help me stop assigning negative intent? [Archive]

RubySlippers

12-08-2006, 11:06 PM

I woke this morning recognizing how much "assigning negative intent" has been a part of my life. I grew up in a punitive, adversarial household in which my mother regularly assigned negative intent. I can't fully express how damaging this was/is to our relationship, or all the other ways in which it has negatively impacted my life. I wrote 3 pages about it today, which was by no means exhaustive. :blush

My problem with assigning negative intent is not as severe as my mother's, but would be excessive to an outside observer. Biting my tongue, waiting to process my feelings, and asking questions of others has helped me in not causing my family further harm, but I'm still grappling with "going there". I don't feel I can yet trust myself to not slip up. It's a hard mindset to overcome and has caused me much internal misery and has hurt my family. As my daughter said, "It's hard to live with." :O

I'm praying and reading scripture. I've seen some improvement in this area, but feel I'm in over my head. There are things I'm sure I can't see. I would really appreciate some help from my GCM sisters. I searched GCM for tips, but did not find anything definitive on the subject.
Crystal defined "assigning positive intent" a few times and referred to ETLDTD. And I found Tulipmama refer to an old folder:

Remember the old threads we had in the GD folder with exercises on assigning positive intent and so forth?

I assume this was on the other board that crashed? I'd appreciate any resources. If nothing like this has been covered since the crash, please help a mom out.

To reiterate, I'm looking for helps, tips, tricks, exercises, testimonies in breaking the negative intent mindset (assigning negative motives to behavior.)
Thanks in advance!

Rabbit

12-08-2006, 11:07 PM

I want help with this one, too. :popcorn

-Natalie

CelticJourney

12-09-2006, 03:28 PM

I am not sure that is something you can tell someone 'how to' do. It's like swimming or riding a bike - you really can't put words to it, and it requires practice and 'getting the feeling' of it. Not sure if that was helpful.

Aisling

12-09-2006, 03:45 PM

This is a huge anger trigger for me...so whenever I start feeling that upset, tight, overwhelmed feeling, I take a step back and try to put on the other person's "glasses". I find when I don't focus on perfection in myself, the pressure is off, and I'm more likely to succeed at what I want to do. It just takes a lot of practice...but if you keep it up, one day you'll realize that you assigned positive intent without thinking about it. :hug :pray

Have you read ETLDTD? If you haven't, and you have the $, go to half.com NOW and order it. :giggle I also found "When Anger hurts your Kids" very helpful.

Focusing on what I want my dd to do instead of what I want her to stop doing is really helpful. Like, say, if she emptying out the silverware drawer. I can focus on what she shouldn't have done (which triggers all sorts of "what's wrong with this child??" thoughts) That leaves me with nowhere to go but down...she's not old enough to help me feel better, and she's not old enough to right the negative behavior by herself. I'll be mad, she;ll be scared, and the spoons will still be in the floor. :doh

Or I can accept what has already happened and take action to "right" the situation. What I want now is for her to help me put the silverware back in the drawer and find something appropriate to do.

It helps me at the end of the day to pour my heart out to God sometimes. I can let all my hurt, frustrated feelings out to Him, and he's big enough to handle them. And they don't accumulate and escape in a negative downpour when my dd does something inconsiderate and immature :O

jenn3514

12-09-2006, 04:30 PM

:popcorn, this is big here too.

Titus2Momof4

12-09-2006, 08:33 PM

OK, well I am definitely not the epitome of GBD, or someone who has been doing this for years. BUT I can definitely say that ETLDTD has been a *tremendous* help in helping me to assign positive intent. She speaks about this a ton in the book, and gives lots of examples of a parent who doesn't assign positive intent, and then the script for the one who DOES. Basically, the biggest way it has helped me is- if one of my kids does something to hurt the other one, for example, I realize that chances are, the child did not REALLY want to hurt their sibling (if they did there would be bigger problems, perhaps a therapist would be needed). For instance, my 4 y/o will often do things like take toys, or lightly 'pop' her older sisters. She does not WANT to hurt them, or make them upset by taking their toys- she wants *attention*. I have had talks about this with my 6 y/os and they understand, now, that many times they are (unintentionally- again assigning positive intent) leaving her out of things. I KNOW that this is the real reason, and not some 'assign positive intent mumbo jumbo' because I have watched with my own eyes, that when I point that out to them, and Loralai has a grumpy look on her face as she runs off with a toy (or a grin) and the twins say "Hey, Loralai, do you want to (insert something that makes her a part of it)??" , her whooooole demeanor changes instantly, and she is SO nice, now that she's included and happy (people who feel good act good?) So, all this to say, assigning positive intent doesn't mean that you just ssay "ok look, Johnny clocked Suzie with the block- he's showing her he loves her" or something. No, but I think you would think "Johnny wants attention from Suzie, Johnny is jealous of all the attention that newborn Suzie gets, Johnny wants Suzie to play with him, Johnny wants MY attention, etc." Again, not the GBD expert, but this is what I have found to be true in our home.

poleidopy

12-09-2006, 08:54 PM

what is ETLDTD?

LauraK

12-09-2006, 09:05 PM

the book easy to love difficult to discipline

ArmsOfLove

12-09-2006, 10:38 PM

well we can do some more exercises like we did before :grin

Basically, I'll put out a scenario and everyone who wants to can try assigning a positive intent :)

your mom comes to visit and when you tell her what you're serving for lunch she says, "Oh. I see."

:popcorn

Titus2Momof4

12-09-2006, 10:49 PM

I'll play! :woohoo LOL

OK. mom comes to visit and says "Oh. I see."

Hmm. I can get offended and be upset that I spent this much time preparing a lunch to which mom only replies "Oh, I see."

OR

I can think "She must have been looking forward to something different that I make and that she enjoys.She doesn't intend to hurt my feelings, she probably spoke w/o thinking. Oh well- we love this dish, so that's all the more leftovers for us!" (ok maybe that was "assigning selfish intent for the chef" :shifty)

Rabbit

12-09-2006, 11:24 PM

your mom comes to visit and when you tell her what you're serving for lunch she says, "Oh. I see."

Ohmygosh. I can't even begin. I suppose it would be an over reaction to throw down my apron and stamp it into the floor, while shouting, "Eat dirt, then, you raving lunatic!" (Don't even point out who the raving lunatic would be right then.)

If my mom said that, I'd really assume she was disappointed in my choice, which would probably sap the joy out of me. I might ask if any of it is something she can't eat, because she's diabetic. But I can't figure out anything positive to think.

-Natalie

gentlemommy

12-10-2006, 12:32 AM

Aisling

12-10-2006, 12:46 AM

She wants to take me OUT to lunch instead!! :mrgreen :giggle

gentlemommy

12-10-2006, 12:47 AM

RubySlippers

12-10-2006, 01:46 AM

BUT I can definitely say that ETLDTD has been a *tremendous* help in helping me to assign positive intent. She speaks about this a ton in the book, and gives lots of examples of a parent who doesn't assign positive intent, and then the script for the one who DOES.

Oh, that's really good to know.
When Crystal mentioned it, I thought "positive intent" might be briefly covered in the book. It sounds like I need this book, like months ago! :shifty

About the mom scenario....uh, could you pick a different person? :nails If my mom said that, it likely means nothing good.

your mom comes to visit and when you tell her what you're serving for lunch she says, "Oh. I see."

If my mom said that, I'd really assume she was disappointed in my choice, which would probably sap the joy out of me.

:yes My mom's disapproval and judgment saps the joy and life out of me too. And if I asked her about it, I would then set myself up for the guilt trip. Whatever meal we finally ate would be tense. :(

ArmsOfLove

12-10-2006, 08:45 AM

My mom's disapproval and judgment saps the joy and life out of me too. And if I asked her about it, I would then set myself up for the guilt trip. Whatever meal we finally ate would be tense.here's the thing about assigning intent. . . . you don't have to be correct :grin

None of us are mind readers, we just know the people in our lives well enough to know the habits and ruts we've gotten into. Most exchanges fit scripts we've developed over time and assigning a positive intent is about changing our part in the script. Assigning a positive intent is about ME, not them. Here's how it breaks down:

I assign a negative intent and I'm right and we all go away feeling justified and angry
I assign a negative intent and I'm wrong and I have to apologize and feelings are hurt
I assign a positive intent and I'm wrong and they prove me wrong and we deal with it
I assign a positive intent and I'm right and we have a great time and enjoy ourselves :tu

Right now the script is:

You make lunch
mom makes snide comment
you get hurt
and however it continues from there

what assigning a positive intent does is puts another step in there:

You make lunch
mom makes what we will not call a comment
you take a moment and decide how you will respond :tu

Even if the best you can do is: "My mom is responding out of habit and this is how her mom responded to her. She doesn't really disapprove of me, she just doesn't know how to express approval." Now it's about *her* and not you

RubySlippers

12-10-2006, 12:01 PM

here's the thing about assigning intent. . . . you don't have to be correct :grin

:spit Ohhhkay...I think that makes sense. :giggle :tu

You make lunch
mom makes what we will not call a comment
you take a moment and decide how you will respond :tu

I see how hard it would be for me to respond like that emotionally. I'm highly in tune to her moods.

Even if the best you can do is: "My mom is responding out of habit and this is how her mom responded to her. She doesn't really disapprove of me, she just doesn't know how to express approval." Now it's about *her* and not you

:cry This is soooooo true, though my mom did treat me better than her mother treated her.

You get to the heart of a matter, Crystal, thanks.
If I am able to get in the habit of assigning positive intent to my mom...and to a lesser extent my sister...it would be EASY to do it with my family and others. I'm nervous :nails and hopeful :heart and overwhelmed. :eek

Rabbit

12-10-2006, 07:04 PM

Even if the best you can do is: "My mom is responding out of habit and this is how her mom responded to her. She doesn't really disapprove of me, she just doesn't know how to express approval." Now it's about *her* and not you

My mom has major emotionally issues, and however much she may think they come from me and the lunch I just made, they don't. I am not responsible for her problems. I did not cause them, and it is not even possible for me to fix them. I am going to enjoy my lunch. She has the freedom to do the same, or not.

How's that? (I've been reading Toxic Parents.)

-Natalie

Jillian

12-10-2006, 07:43 PM

I am really enjoying seeing all the examples of different ways to be positive. I do pretty well with it with my kids, but never thought about doing it with other people, like my mom.

(except other drivers, because if I imagine them having an emergency at home they need to rush for, I don't get as "road rage-y" inside. :shifty )

Aisling

12-10-2006, 11:59 PM

MarynMunchkins

12-11-2006, 02:54 AM

Maybe she doesn't really care what you're having, and so she gave a neutral response. :grin

ArmsOfLove

12-11-2006, 08:09 AM

Titus2Momof4

12-11-2006, 08:15 AM

So, now that we know what assigning positive intent looks like, how about another practice example? :mrgreen

You recently got a new haircut, and love it...but would like to hear a few compliments, just to be sure. Dh walks in the door and says, "Whoa!! What'd you do to your hair? :eyebrow"

:giggle

Assume that, as usual, he spoke w/o thinking :giggle

Assume that he loved my hair the way it was and didn't mean to hurt my feelings.

YolandaWELS

12-11-2006, 01:17 PM

Holy Moly does this hit home for me.

** Can I just add - You are great Armsoflove!

Is there a book that talks about this in general? ....

I'm going to read a few examples and then give it a try .... :grin

:popcorn

Teribear

12-11-2006, 02:18 PM

So, now that we know what assigning positive intent looks like, how about another practice example? :mrgreen

You recently got a new haircut, and love it...but would like to hear a few compliments, just to be sure. Dh walks in the door and says, "Whoa!! What'd you do to your hair? :eyebrow"

:giggle

Assume he didn't mean it negatively and respond...with a big smile.

I got it cut and I LOVE IT!

If I'm positive about it chances are he won't bust my bubble by saying "I hate it!"

QuiltinGramma

12-11-2006, 03:19 PM

:popcorn
Going to visit dgrs so I'd better practice..... :O

I can assume DH has had a busy/bad/whatever day and spoke the wrong words (DH does this occasionally)
and say what Teribear just said to her insensitive DH :giggle

"I got it cut and I LOVE IT!"
:heart

UltraMother

12-11-2006, 08:12 PM

Maybe he can see that it's different, but doesn't understand "hair stuff' and is asking for details?

"I trimmed 2 inches of split ends off and got auburn highlights." :)

RubySlippers

12-11-2006, 08:27 PM

You recently got a new haircut, and love it...but would like to hear a few compliments, just to be sure. Dh walks in the door and says, "Whoa!! What'd you do to your hair? :eyebrow"

:giggle

Wow, I've actually had this one happen, more than once! :lol

Now if I were assigning positive intent...
Maybe he forgot I had a hair appointment?
Maybe the difference is so great that he is shocked and amazed?
He doesn't react well to change?

So what if it plays out that he doesn't like it and tells me so? How do I keep from getting bummed out?

AmyDoll

12-11-2006, 08:46 PM

So what if it plays out that he doesn't like it and tells me so? How do I keep from getting bummed out?

You're glad that you have an open relationship and he can express his feelings gently. It's still your hair and you love it, right? And now that you know what kind of hair he likes on you, you can consider it next time. Besides he has that xxxx that you're not really thrilled about.

Negative intent is tough - I really found "When Anger Hurts Your Kids" helpful. It works through assigning positive intent and the physical reaction to the stress of negative intent and the anger that follows.

Iveyrock

12-12-2006, 10:22 PM

I want to play! This is a hard one though, I would pretty much immediately be hurt. How about...
since I rarely even touch my hair, he is just shocked that I have done anything with it at all. It's not a comment about how it looks, rather that I actually look different.

Titus2Momof4

12-13-2006, 05:31 AM

YolandaWELS

12-13-2006, 07:12 AM

OK I have 3 examples - :giggle :giggle sorry

1. Money is tight and parents are aware of that. They come over to visit and see a new dvd or you are wearing a new outfit and say "Ohhhh I see what you spend your money on"

2. First year w/ Christmas decorations and you are beginning to collect the pieces for an outdoor nativity scene. Your mother calls you and says she drove by your home yesterday and noticed your scene and says "You know, you are missing this piece and this piece, you should really put up a shelter, you should put it in this part of the yard instead." [/color]

Lastly

3. You make your favorite dish for potluck at church. Your mother tastes it and says "Hm."

AmyDoll

12-13-2006, 07:53 AM

OK I have 3 examples - :giggle :giggle sorry

1. Money is tight and parents are aware of that. They come over to visit and see a new dvd or you are wearing a new outfit and say "Ohhhh I see what you spend your money on"

They're glad to see that money isn't desperately tight and that you can still afford some little things for you & the kids. OR They want to know your shopping secrets - they're sure you get the best deals

2. First year w/ Christmas decorations and you are beginning to collect the pieces for an outdoor nativity scene. Your mother calls you and says she drove by your home yesterday and noticed your scene and says "You know, you are missing this piece and this piece, you should really put up a shelter, you should put it in this part of the yard instead." [/color]
Mom is excited about your new project and wants to help you put it together - I'd invite her to go shopping & tell her you're really looking forward to the after Christmas sales or ask her which one she's going to buy you for Christmas.

Lastly

3. You make your favorite dish for potluck at church. Your mother tastes it and says "Hm."

I'd assume it's something she's made before and she's just having a memory or maybe she doesn't like onions etc. :shrug You didn't make it to please her :hug A potluck is easy bc an empty dish at the end of the night and you know your food was good!

Aisling

12-13-2006, 09:42 AM

1. Money is tight and parents are aware of that. They come over to visit and see a new dvd or you are wearing a new outfit and say "Ohhhh I see what you spend your money on"
They're concerned about all your needs being met. No worries, you know what you can afford to splurge on and what's best for your family.

2. First year w/ Christmas decorations and you are beginning to collect the pieces for an outdoor nativity scene. Your mother calls you and says she drove by your home yesterday and noticed your scene and says "You know, you are missing this piece and this piece, you should really put up a shelter, you should put it in this part of the yard instead." [/color]
She's remembering how she's done it before and likes trying to recreate the happy memory.

Lastly

3. You make your favorite dish for potluck at church. Your mother tastes it and says "Hm."
She knows just the final touch to take your dish from really yummy to SUPER yummy. She's trying to be helpful :)

SusansBF

12-16-2006, 07:26 AM

:popcorn

This is awesome!! I definitely assign negative intent TOO many times!!

eyeopening!!!!

poleidopy

12-16-2006, 09:10 AM

:popcorn

This is awesome!! I definitely assign negative intent TOO many times!!

eyeopening!!!!

me too. I was thinking about this last night. (Hope I can share this here! :giggle ) I had just had a horrible time getting DS to sleep, the baby had puked all over me and i was exhausted. So I stripped off all the puked on clothes and collapsed on the couch. (It was like 1am) DH came home from work, walked in and his first words were "WHY are you naked?" with a weird look on his face. I have body image issues, so I immediately thought "He thinks I'm so gross and smelly and doesn't want to see me without clothes on because I gross him out. He is so mean." Then i actually thought of this thread and figured maybe I should change that into "He doesn't want to see my lying around without clothes on because I'm so stinking hot he can't control himself." It didn't exactly come naturally to think that, but it gave me a good giggle and put me in a better mood. :giggle :giggle

Iveyrock

12-16-2006, 10:21 AM

I think this is really interesting too, because although I am pretty good about positive intent with ds, I am really bad at it with DH (my reaction would have been the same as yours initially, poleidoply, and problaby not changed.) I have been thinking about why this is so, so hard for me to do with DH when I can do it reasonably well with DS. It's really helpful to me that the examples here deal with adults.
Amber

RubySlippers

12-16-2006, 10:50 AM

me too. I was thinking about this last night. (Hope I can share this here! :giggle ) I had just had a horrible time getting DS to sleep, the baby had puked all over me and i was exhausted. So I stripped off all the puked on clothes and collapsed on the couch. (It was like 1am) DH came home from work, walked in and his first words were "WHY are you naked?" with a weird look on his face. I have body image issues, so I immediately thought "He thinks I'm so gross and smelly and doesn't want to see me without clothes on because I gross him out. He is so mean." Then i actually thought of this thread and figured maybe I should change that into "He doesn't want to see my lying around without clothes on because I'm so stinking hot he can't control himself." It didn't exactly come naturally to think that, but it gave me a good giggle and put me in a better mood. :giggle :giggle

:spit
I like how you were able to assign positive intent and pull yourself out of negative thinking. :tu
I could hear my hubby saying exactly what your dh said if he caught me lounging naked. :laughtears
I think it's a normal reaction :jawdrop for a dh, if he isn't used to his wife greeting him that way. :kiss ;)

SusansBF

12-16-2006, 01:55 PM

I'm so stinking hot he can't control himself.

Yes!! That's what I was thinking! :laughtears He probably can't believe his good fortune!!

I am sure this thread will help me too. I am always thinking my husband is "mad" at me. And then I notice my kids do it too! :hissyfit
I hate it when they act like me!!! Oh, well, I get better and better posting and reading here!

ArmsOfLove

12-16-2006, 08:35 PM

I have found when I'm not sure what to think of what someone says the BEST solution is to ask ..."Why do you say that?" :popcorn

mom2threePKs

12-17-2006, 08:37 PM

I have found when I'm not sure what to think of what someone says the BEST solution is to ask ..."Why do you say that?" :popcorn

One tme dh said something to me on the phone that was deeply hurtful. He had been out of town for over a week, i'd been home with babies and he made a comment about me and cows and nursing all in the same sentence. (Honestly i don't remember the specifics, but really, with something like that who needs specifics.) We hung up and I cried :cry And the next day after talking to a trusted friend about it, who reminded me that my dh is head over heels inlove with me and everyone knows it, I told him very calmly but with genuine emotion and through a few tears, that what he'd said had really hurt my feelings but I was sure that he didn't mean to because he isn't that kind of person. But generally speaking in the future, pairing bovine animals and my nursing breasts in the same sentance is a recipe for a frigid welcome home. He fell silent and said he was really sorry. That he was hoping I just didn't hear that and that the second it was out of his mouth he wanted to pull it back in.

All of our disagreements haven;t been handled as well. But positive intent was giving him an out of "I know you aren't that kind of a person." and assuming he didn't mean to hurt me as deeply as he did. All the while giving him an opportunity to make amends for something that was hurtful to me.

AmyDoll

12-18-2006, 06:35 AM

All of our disagreements haven;t been handled as well. But positive intent was giving him an out of "I know you aren't that kind of a person." and assuming he didn't mean to hurt me as deeply as he did. All the while giving him an opportunity to make amends for something that was hurtful to me.

This is sooo true! I know that I've put my foot in my mouth a number of times and said exactly the wrong thing to those that I really love the most. Sometimes it's an ill-timed joke or that my penchant for sarcasm gets the better of me and I've told dh before - if I'm being mean, I really only meant to be funny and I'm sooo sorry I wasn't funny. I don't want to hurt those I love! I really appreciate the measure of Grace my family & friends afford me and when they assign positive intent to my bumbles.

Learninggentleness

12-18-2006, 02:49 PM

I have found when I'm not sure what to think of what someone says the BEST solution is to ask ..."Why do you say that?" :popcorn

Last week, while talking on the phone with my Mom, I told her that my Grandpa told me I write like a professional. Now, I do not think I write like a professional, but I do like to write (I have a blog and I journal a lot, but I'm not like a professional yet). It was a nice thing for my Grandpa to tell me, nonetheless. Well, my Mom's response was, "He's such a hick..." :jawdrop :scratch and she went on to say a bunch of things that didn't fit with our immediate conversation, but instead went back to a much earlier part of the conversation.

If this had happend one year ago I would have been so hurt and thought something like this - "She thinks my Grandpa is a hick for commenting my writing is professional?!" :bheart BUT, I wasn't hurt in the least. :grin I'm much stronger and sure of myself now, including my strengths and weaknesses of my writing ability, and so I was more shocked than anything at her honesty. I asked her what she meant by what she said and told her how it sounded to me. She went on a lengthy explanation that didn't really make a lot of sense. :shrug She's told me my writing is good, but I don't want her to ever feel like I need her validation and praise. I'd rather have an honest critique. So, we had a long talk later that night and everything turned out ok.

This was one of those situations where an immediate negitive intent seems like it would fit, but I was more interested in what she actually meant because it surprised me so much that she said that. By the way, she later apologized for calling her Dad (my grandpa) a hick and said she felt really bad for saying that.

Beth1231

12-18-2006, 06:10 PM

your mom comes to visit and when you tell her what you're serving for lunch she says, "Oh. I see."

:popcorn

I really love this idea. Maybe mom had something special in mind to make for me and she's disappointed that she forgot to ask me ahead of time if she could bless me. Or maybe mom really just isn't up for whatever I planned in which case, I would offer her the kitchen (my mom would love that; maybe it's just her, though).

I get exercises in assigning positive intent many many times a day as a preschool teacher. For example, Lloyd comes over and screams in Rylee's face. I say "Rylee, I can see that Lloyd really want to play with you! Lloyd, can you say "Hi, Rylee, do you want to play?" I do this over and over and over...great practice for when baby is born!