could it be that at the heart of punitive parenting is ingratitude?

[Beauty4Ashes]

Maybe it's just me, but I found that when I wasn't reading my Bible or praying daily (other than the Please Lord Jesus give me patience for my children) and I was not truly grateful for my children, I would tend to fall into punitive parenting and an adversarial mindset. When I stopped seeing my children as blessings and gifts from God (only giving lip service to that idea), I would look at them as little people who were getting in my way. I wasn't thankful for how they are fearfully and wonderfully made, for their ever increasing skills, for their curiosity, for their minds that were expanding daily with new knowledge. No, they were just a pain in my rear, making messes and getting in my way. I've found that when I started putting my focus back on giving thanks to God because truly He has blessed me so much, that my children became a joy for me to be around, instead of a trial to be endured and punished so that they would toe the line. Just throwing out these thoughts...

[Carrie in PA]

I think you have a good point. :tu I've experienced the same thing myself. It's all about seeing them as blessings, seeing them as Jesus would see them, and acting through that lens. :yes

[Chris3jam]

:eek You have a point! You're right! When we start thinking of our children getting in the way of our selfish desires and such . . . ..... the punitive-mindedness increases. . . . .

[Titus2Momof4]

I think you have a good point. :tu I've experienced the same thing myself. It's all about seeing them as blessings, seeing them as Jesus would see them, and acting through that lens. :yes


:yes, and NOT seeing them as constantly in the way, like the OP said, or as out to get you, or as just doing everything to irritate you. It's so sad when you get into that type of relationship towards your kids (ask me how I know :( )

[ArmsOfLove]

I absolutely believe that the parable of the ungrateful servant has serious implications for parents :heart

[CelticJourney]

:yes I think there are some parents who are punitive and controling because that was their experience as a child and they see it as 'their turn to be first' - which is one of the reasons I hate the 'spouse first, kids second' mentality.

[Beauty4Ashes]

Crystal, where is the parable of the ungrateful servant found? I was looking for it and couldn't find it--I don't have a good concordance.

[joyful mama]

:think the parents i know who are punitive... i'm thinking of my best friend and another ver good friend... are quite spiritual women... daily prayer, daily mass... very prayerful and humble women. They are very grateful for their children and are wonderful mothers... very sacraficial and attentive to their children. The difference I see is they feel they are in disobedience to God if they do not punish. They take Hebrews 12 to heart (I think thats the verse). I obviouslydisagree with them.

I DO think that anger/resentment is at the heart of bad parenting. I do not see either of my friends as angry or resentful, though I obviously do not agree that we are commanded to punish :shrug :shrug

[Atarah]

Crystal, where is the parable of the ungrateful servant found? I was looking for it and couldn't find it--I don't have a good concordance.


is it the one in matthew 18:23-35?

[Beauty4Ashes]

Yes, that's the one. Wow, that is sobering to think about.

[Chris3jam]

It's not really being angry or resentful. It's just wanting/needing things to be 'convenient' for the parents (family). You know, if momma is happy, then everybody is happy. It *is* a pleasure to have a child who obeys without question. It's easy. For instance. If you "train" your child to go to bed by himself and sleep through the night, you can get other home 'chores' done (instead of all that holding and rocking) and get plenty of sleep, so you can wake refreshed in the morning and be able to fulfill all the duties a mother and wife must fulfill, better. It's convenient to have plenty sleep. . . . in order to do your work better the next day. It is convenient to put the 'responsibility' of obedience on the child, so you don't have to be quite so involved, which frees a wife/mother up to get her house clean, etc. I'm not saying it in a mean way. . ..but it is more convenient. . .for the adults. And, being convenient, it is a bit. . . .selfish. The mom/dad can get their lives lived and their work done with minimum disruption.

I'm not explaining it right. . . .but, it's not a "mean" thing. It's just a different way of thinking.. . .an 'adult-first-child-last' thing. .. . As I struggle with the Hebrew Word Pictures, I ran across na'ar, the word for 'child'. You know what it seems to mean? A person that is full of the activity of life. ... our children are to be *active*, especially in learning what God's plan is for them . . .not passive little robots. We're are supposed to be helping *them*, not them helping *us* by being "good" and "obedient".

Oh, dear. I'm just not explaining this right. :(

[Beauty4Ashes]

:hug Chris, I get what you are saying about wishing children would be obedient because it would just make my life so much easier. I struggle with that, too. But I think at the heart of my problem was not being thankful for all that my children are, their curiosity, their spunk, their desires to explore the world around them, and even their big feelings. I think at some level I wished for easy kids like my brother and I supposedly were. So the story goes, my brother and I would play for hours by ourselves and not get into stuff. I don't know how that happened, that is not what mine are like. If they are too quiet for too long, they are into something, say dh's underwear and sock drawers...or in a potted plant.

[Chris3jam]

But I think at the heart of my problem was not being thankful for all that my children are, their curiosity, their spunk, their desires to explore the world around them, and even their big feelings. I think at some level I wished for easy kids like my brother and I supposedly were.

Yeah. I do that, too. :( Especially today.

[Rbonmom]

It's funny because I was just thinking this yesterday when I was on my way over to my family's. I just think as a culture we have been deceived into believing that children are not a blessing but almost a curse (hmmm, wonder who would've tried to convince us of that :hunh). We only want 1 or 2 children, only in our time, we want them sleeping through the night at 3days old, instant obedience, etc, etc.... I just think if we valued and treasured our little ones, rather than seeing them as a massive "work project" things would be so different.

[seekermum]

It's funny because I was just thinking this yesterday when I was on my way over to my family's. I just think as a culture we have been deceived into believing that children are not a blessing but almost a curse (hmmm, wonder who would've tried to convince us of that :hunh). We only want 1 or 2 children, only in our time, we want them sleeping through the night at 3days old, instant obedience, etc, etc.... I just think if we valued and treasured our little ones, rather than seeing them as a massive "work project" things would be so different.




:yes I agree that as a culture we have been deceived into believing that children are a burden but I had never before thought about Satan's hand in it. Makes sense though :think

It amazes me that so many people expect me to see my twins as a trial and a burden. Sure it is hard work but boy am I blessed :ptl
I was speaking to a mom of a four week old baby girl today. The baby wants to feed twice a night so the mom has started to give her a bottle of water for the second feed to discourage her from waking twice. Four weeks old :hunh :cry

Anyway that was totally :ot and as for the OP I think you have made an important observation.

[Beauty4Ashes]

A four week old that is only waking up to nurse 2x a night? Wow, I'd be thrilled if mine did that. Ds2 is 17 months old now and he still nurses that much. I have started to keep a bottle of water with me at night because some times it seems like maybe he's thirsty more than hungry. He won't take it most of the time. The poor little baby.