Ugh...out of nowhere...

[Marzipan]

...random horrible parenting conversation.

So. Dh and I have been trying to transition from having Maya in the nursery (with one of us) for part of the service, to keeping her with us. She hasn't had a lot of practice being still or quiet, so we sit in the back on an aisle, so that when she gets too loud, we can take her out immediately, and practice our "quiet voices." We try very hard to not be adversarial about this-- just "I can tell you're having a hard time being quiet, so we're going to go to the back and practice, and when we're ready we'll go back and sit by daddy/mommy and you can have your "church bag."" We forgot the bag this morning, and it's been a long weekend, and Maya was having a hard time being quiet. We reminded her to use her quiet voice, and she said "No!" (two or three times) so Tim took her to the back room, and sat with her and talked with her about being respectful/quiet. I was having a hard time focusing, so after a few minutes, I followed and we were sitting together in the room off the foyer. We could still hear the service, but we were together. Anyway. We decided to leave early, for a number of reasons, and as we were on our way out a lady (whom I've never talked to before this morning) comes up to me and says "Do you want to know how I got my grandson to behave in church?" Uhhhh....

I said something, which I guess indicated that I did...I was totally out of it this morning anyway. I have no idea who this lady is, and/or if she had heard Maya in the service, or was just assuming we had come out because of a behaviour problem or what...anway...she goes on "I told him that we would be choosing a seat in the very front of the auditorium, so that if he was misbehaving, EVERYONE would see him and know that he was being bad, and would see me take him out. And that I would take him out and spank him if he didn't behave."

(That was the gist of it...it was so fast, and I was so shocked...)

I stammered "we don't hit our kids..." and she continued about him knowing it would be embarassing to be taken out in front of everyone...and how it totally worked and I said "I'm sure it did, but I'm not interested in motiviating my child by humiliating her, or threatening her with humiliation."

I honestly don't remember how the conversation ended. I was so overwhelmed and flustered. I walked out the front doors, sat down on the steps and started sobbing (I'm 38 weeks pregnant, and hugely hormonal anyway.) A few minutes later the same lady comes out and says "I hope I didn't offend you...and I want you to know I never smacked that child..."

The whole thing was just so bizarre...and I don't think I could think straight or breathe normally for a half hour. I felt so cornered and flustered. It was crazy. Sigh.

[LauraK]

:hugheart

That sounds so challenging. I hate when people try to "help" like that. People used to always make comments about leaving my little one in the nursery and that she would get used to it and I always had to blow them off. That said, other people made such nice comments about my daughter and my slings and such too. Now my dd loves the nursery and I am so glad I just followed my instincts and waited until she was ready and that the staff backed me up and paged me if she cried more than a few minutes and did not start having fun and I would just get her then.

With my first i just listened to everyone and would put my little 3 month old in the nursery even though she would cry. I just kept thinking, God and dh are supposed to come first and I kept thinking dh would be mad if I kept dd with me and that I was just doing what everyone excpected. One day a woman told me that dd was so hard and essentially that she felt sorry for me that I had a daughter like that, dd was less than 6 months then. It broke my heart. I was so sad. We ended up leaving that church.

MOre hugs you are such a good mom for being so kind with your little one.

[erinee]

:hugheart

I've actually found it helps my kids to sit closer to the front, because they can see what's going on better and feel more like a part of things. It's certainly *not* to humiliate or threaten them! Now I worry that people think my intent in sitting up front is very different from what it is. :( I hope that's not the case -- we actually started sitting closer to the front on the advice of some other moms who said the same thing and also told me not to worry about a little bit of kid noise being disruptive, so hopefully most people know that's what it's really about.

[madeleine]

I'm sorry - sounds like it was very frustrating and disheartening. We would really like our ds to stay with us in service, too, but he is way too active and doesn't understand about sitting for extended periods of time (he's 15 months)..so he usually ends up in the nursery for part of the time with either myself or dh - we get "advice" all the time that someone can just distract him and we can "sneak" out, but we tell them we have no desire to do that, which they are okay with most of the time. I just keep reminding myself that we are doing the best thing for our son right now and that when he's ready, he'll be okay in the nursery without mommy or daddy.

[Katherine]

:hugheart

Poor mama!! I think you handled it GREAT! :tu Obviously, you said enough to make her feel a little embarrassed or defensive or something, if she felt the need to clarify that she'd never actually smacked him. Too many people just assume that all Christians spank, and are never challenged with the thought that what they do might be harsh or humiliating to a child.

I bet she'll hesitate big time before she approaches another parent with that unsolicited advice. :eek

That kind of stuff is so hard to handle when you're pg, too. I would have been a wreck... :shifty (During my first pg, a roach got in the house and reduced me to a heap of tears. I was actually scared of it... :shifty :blush :giggle)

[Hermana Linda]

Poor mama!! I think you handled it GREAT! :tu Obviously, you said enough to make her feel a little embarrassed or defensive or something, if she felt the need to clarify that she'd never actually smacked him.

Yeah, she will probably think twice about approaching some poor, unsuspecting mama in that way again after she realized that she reduced you to tears. She must have felt terrible.

[Marzipan]

Thanks ladies. It still feels so surreal to me. We have a relatively small church, and it was just so startling to hear someone advocate just being that *mean*--which is what it sounded/felt like to me, though I'm sure it wasn't what she felt she was advocating.

I felt a little guilty about making her feel bad...but...I certainly didn't set out to, and if my honest reaction to her words was hurtful...:shrug I don't know...

That kind of stuff is so hard to handle when you're pg, too. I would have been a wreck... (During my first pg, a roach got in the house and reduced me to a heap of tears. I was actually scared of it... )

Oh man. Last place we lived, these huge tree roaches would get in sometimes. I *hated* them. Now (in our new, out in the country house) we have mice. I saw one last week. It was not pretty--but then I nearly cried about killing it. Sigh. The joys of hormones.

[Hermana Linda]

I felt a little guilty about making her feel bad...but...I certainly didn't set out to, and if my honest reaction to her words was hurtful...:shrug I don't know...

Don't feel guilty. Your honest reaction was a natural consequence of her actions. :yes

[Katherine]

Oh man. Last place we lived, these huge tree roaches would get in sometimes. I *hated* them. Now (in our new, out in the country house) we have mice. I saw one last week. It was not pretty--but then I nearly cried about killing it. Sigh. The joys of hormones.

Yep. same kind... huge suckers! The exterminator assured me that they don't carry diseases.. they just drop off the trees onto the roof and get in. It doesn't make me feel any better when I see one. :sick

And I had a little family of mice in my college apt. one winter. I was snuggled up on my couch one evening when they suddenly darted across the room one by one. :jawdrop I found where they got in and plugged the hole.. couldn't bear to put out poison. :O :hug

[cobluegirl]

whoa!! you were great!!

[Maggie]

:hugheart

How icky :blah, but you did great!!!! :yes :tu Sorry the morning was upsetting. :hug2 I agree that she'll probably think twice about sharing unsolicited (grand-)parenting advice in the future, and that's a good thing!

[RubySlippers]

:hug2 :heart

[CelticJourney]

Poor mama!! I think you handled it GREAT! Obviously, you said enough to make her feel a little embarrassed or defensive or something, if she felt the need to clarify that she'd never actually smacked him.

Totally agree. Sometimes it's the 'in the moment' conversations that are the best - no time to doubt yourself. :rockon