Yet another reason why spanking is icky. *battered women sensitive*

[Aisling]

I was talking to a dear friend of mine over the weekend who was picking my brain about GBD :tu

She's a counselor to battered women in the community and troubled young women who attend our college.

She mentioned that she's noticed a strong connection between women who are in abusive relationships and their punitive pasts..they truly feel guilty for displeasing their abusive spouse, and believe they "deserve" to be physically punished for even a small infraction. Even though they know it's wrong for their spouse to beat them, deep inside, the honestly think the man has a right to hurt them if they've gone against his wishes. :bheart

amother trend she noticed...there is also a strong connection between "cutters" and having been physically punished as children. Some of the girls are so guilt-ridden for whatever "bad" things they've done throughout the week, they have to cut themselves in order to get any mental emotional relief. Unless their bodies are physically hurt, they don't feel like they've "paid" for whatever they've done...it's an emotional addiction to pain that they can't explain, and that they don't ever remember not having. :cry :bheart

which is what prompted her to ask me about GBD, and why punishment isn't beneficial to a child.

The thing I was most struck by is the inability to accept any grace for themselves. It's simply foreign to them. :(

[Wonder Woman]

that's why I say there should be laws in place to make *any* spanking illegal.

we already have laws to prevent employers hitting employees, and husbands hitting wives (or vice versa!)

But the children, the most vulnerable, the ones who are the most easily wounded...they can still legally be targets for anger. :bheart

[Aisling]

that's why I say there should be laws in place to make *any* spanking illegal.

we already have laws to prevent employers hitting employees, and husbands hitting wives (or vice versa!)

But the children, the most vulnerable, the ones who are the most easily wounded...they can still legally be targets for anger. :bheart

It's insane, isn't it? :(

[TulipMama]

:bheart

[Katherine]

The thing I was most struck by is the inability to accept any grace for themselves

This very thing has come up in a number of threads recently.

I don't think the effect you're talking about is limited to physical abuse, either. I strongly believe that women, especially, who come from punitive environments slide naturally into abusive (physical, emotional, social, verbal, sexual--there are many forms of abuse) dating relationships and marriages. I know of more examples than I can count on both hands. :( When you've been trained for years to yield your power, place, and person to the desires and inappropriate expressions of another person's displeasure, abuse feels more comfortable and natural than respect. :bheart

[CelticJourney]

Wouldn't that be a sensational thesis topic for someone studing Psychology or Sociology? It would be such a facinating read.

[Aisling]

Wouldn't that be a sensational thesis topic for someone studing Psychology or Sociology? It would be such a facinating read.

absolutely...I'll keep it in mind if my pipe dream of a counseling degree ever comes true! :grin I'd love to see that in article form hitting the major Christian media. :neutral

[TulipMama]

We should have a thread somewhere (what folder?) for interesting research and thesis ideas. . .

[Aisling]

We should have a thread somewhere (what folder?) for interesting research and thesis ideas. . .

:yes :tu ITA.

[mom2threePKs]

We should have a thread somewhere (what folder?) for interesting research and thesis ideas. . .

:yes :tu ITA.


Love that!!! For all our moms with lots of spare time for original research!!!!!

Magan

[Rbonmom]

Well, I could be a research subject :laughtears Seriously though I grew up in a very punitive home with lots of spanking and emotional/verbal abuse, and married a guy who was abusive. My parents do not get the connection at all, but 3 separate counselors I've been too have picked up on it right away.
I was in a "discussion" (read argument) with my dad when I was going back to my husband for the second time to try and work it out (he was in counseling and we were in it together also). He was so angry with me and just could not understand how I could put up with it, and I told him flat out "this was how I was raised. It feels totally normal to me" Now I'm not playing the victim here, and it was my choice to marry him, but honestly it wasn't until I saw my friends strong reaction to the things I would tell them that were going on, that a lightbulb finally went on in my head. I even majored in psychology in college and "knew" better, but it didn't feel that different from how I was brought up.
In a very simplified version: my parents taught me I "deserved" to be hit and that meant to me that I had little to no value, so when my xh treated me like I was valueless and abused me it seemed appropriate.
It is really disheartening to me that proponents of spanking refuse to believe that it can cause any emotional or psychological harm.

[Titus2Momof4]

:cry How sad.

On the plus (?) side, you are right-gives another perspective on spanking...one I had *never* thought of.... the idea that these poor people feel that they have to experience pain to make it "right".. :think

[Wonder Woman]

:cry How sad.

On the plus (?) side, you are right-gives another perspective on spanking...one I had *never* thought of.... the idea that these poor people feel that they have to experience pain to make it "right".. :think


yes - that's one of the worst effects of it. I mean, look at what people like Pearl teach - that our children are sinless *against God* but they sin *against us* and the only way to remove that 'sin' is to hit the child. :/

then he teaches that all true Christians are sinless...makes you wonder how much pain the adults go through behind closed doors, huh?

[Oliveshoots]

Love that!!! For all our moms with lots of spare time for original research!!!!!



:laughtears :roll that's funny, Magan.

:shifty maybe you weren't trying to be funny, but it just hit me as funny. If only I had the spare time to do something like that. Right now my spare time is, well, laundry, cooking ahead for the week, organizing (that seems to NEVER end!)

Someday I would love to do grad work (PhD, namely) so I would also love that type of thread. You would not believe how many times through the week something will happen (parenting or ministry-related) that I think "now THAT would make a great research project!!".

[deena]

Wow, that is very interesting and makes a lot of sense. I too, would love to see more research on that. Also I wanted to add about the cutting, I'm no expert but I wanted to clarify that it isn't usually guilt that makes people cut but internal/emotional pain that is too hard to bear so they try to relieve it with external/physical pain. I can still imagine a strong connection to a punitive past.

[Aisling]

Wow, that is very interesting and makes a lot of sense. I too, would love to see more research on that. Also I wanted to add about the cutting, I'm no expert but I wanted to clarify that it isn't usually guilt that makes people cut but internal/emotional pain that is too hard to bear so they try to relieve it with external/physical pain. I can still imagine a strong connection to a punitive past.

:yes Yeah, most cutters tend to describe the emotion that needs relief as sadness instead of guilt...but I can still see how being punished as a child could set them up for relying on physical pain to alleviate emotional problems.