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View Full Version : I feel sick, scared, doubting... thanks, Mom!


Loaves Of Bread
10-06-2006, 01:05 AM
If I did not post this in the right forum then please let me know. :nails

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h43/AnotherHippieMother/Parenting%20Causes/PEACEFUL.gif

OK, first of all... I really don't know the specifics of what Ezzos, Pearls, etc. actually IS, other than a few parenting methods developed by some authors that involve punitive punishment. What I do know is the way that my parents raised us... which went far beyond spanking (slapping, kicking, name-calling, hair pulling, dragging by limbs or hair, screeching at the top of lungs....uh... you get the idea). My parents are not bad people, and they were good parents in many other ways, but totally out of control when it came to punishment.

I remember when one of my twin brothers was 4 months old and my mother was first trying to feed him solids. He accidentally knocked the bowl on the floor with his hand. She screamed, called him a curse word, and slapped his face... she did this to a NEWBORN! She would punish all four of us this way very regularly. But two hours later she'd go out and buy us ten toys to help ease her guilt. And then two hours after that she'd scream at us about all of the money she just spent on us and how we never deserved it. This is the fear we were all raised with. My mother has all of the symptoms of bi-polar syndrome, yet refuses to admit it or seek treatment. We never knew when she would snap again. My father was worse. He actually really almost enjoyed the punishments he'd administer. Once I got heat sick and vomited in his car when I was about four. He smacked my head into the dashboard, just like you see on TV wrestling... just grabbed my head and BAM! And unlike my mother, he'd feel no remorse. Once CPS got involved with something that one of my brothers mentioned in school, but no one was taken away.

The ironic thing is that all of this punishing never even WORKED. My brothers got to a point where they laughed in my parents' faces when they'd get hit.

When my brothers got older they learned to fight back (being that this was all we were exposed to; we thought this was what ALL families did). My brothers especially embraced the idea of fighting back. By the time my brothers were old enough to do so my parents were getting middle aged and having health problems, and my brothers would literally hurt them where they had problems. My brothers are grown and pretty well stable now (one is in the Navy, the other in college AND working 48 hours a week)... but they were very rebellious teenagers who probably should have been taken off to juvenile hall for some of the things they did to my parents (like kicking my mother down a flight of stairs for example). But hey... this is pretty well what they learned for them, isn't it? You reap what you sow, right?

Growing up in this environment I told myself I would never have children, because I was too afraid of repeating the cycle. But when I hit a certain age the desire to be a mother suddenly overwhelmed me, and little Willow was planned, sought after, prayed for, and finally we were blessed with her. My little sister still says she will not have children.

So why all this background?? I got a phone call from my mother last night and she told me that Willow was "much too willfull for her age". "What are you talking about?" I asked her. She said she's never seen a child who will shove a person away the way that she does. I told her she always had done that... she's never been a very affectionate child (she gives affection on HER terms... like a cat... sometimes very snuggly and other times has no interest in loving touches at all). Willow has been this way since she was a newborn; this is why co-sleeping has never worked for her.

So mom tries a new tactic. "Well... she throws much too big of a tantrum for a toddler her age." :scratch She's almost TWO! And really, her tantrums aren't that bad... definitely no worse than any other child her age. "But what do you expect... you and Steve refuse to punish her in any way; you let a two year old control you both. You won't listen to me, so you are going to have real problems when she gets older." :banghead Stop. right. there.

I've read all of the articles here, the five steps, ect. I apply pretty much all of it. She's a bit young for the comfort corner, so I still do time-out in the crib with her snuggly. We respond to her cries. We listen to her needs, but we don't give into every little thing (like buying her every toy she sees). But mostly, I parent by heart... which means whatever my parents would do in a situation (WWPD?) is what I DON'T do. And DH absolutely is on board with me 100%. And do you know what? It's worked just fine so far. Friends and neighbors always say Willow is a sweet girl. Hitting the terrible twos, yes, but nothing out of the ordinary. And ironically, I remember my brothers acting MUCH worse when they were Willow's age, and they were punished in every creative way imaginable all of the time.

But now my mother has managed to make me feel I'm raising the Exorcist child, and I'm not even sure how I gave her the power to make me feel that way. :cry

Mother Duck
10-06-2006, 01:33 AM
:hug No advice, just a :hug

LilySue
10-06-2006, 02:29 AM
The thing about the advice our mothers give us, is that even though we know it's wrong ( and you know your mother is WRONG ) because of the blood bond they have with us, their words just creep in there and lodge and it is so hard to stop listening to them....

My mother used to lock us in a cupboard when we were naughty...yet I still find myself listening to her advice on childcare :shrug....then I take it home, discuss it with my dh and usually throw it out of the window.

Talk to your dh, it sounds like you are doing a fine job with Willow :hug

Wonder Woman
10-06-2006, 04:32 AM
I always figure I can't go wrong if I do the opposite of how I was raised :shifty

And I *do* understand - my parents are infamous for the "God demands that you hit your child until he screams in pain" rhetoric. :rolleyes

I actually told my mother at one point that "my goal is to be able to AFFORD my kid's therapy when he grows up!" :giggle

It's so hard when people you are connected to are so very disapproving. It helps to think "If it weren't for the bond of DNA, would what this person says even matter one iota?" If the answer is no, as it usually is, then I just disregard what they've said and move on.

:hugheart :hugheart

HomeWithMyBabies
10-06-2006, 04:36 AM
:hugheart I am sorry you grew up like that. Sounds a bit like my childhood...my mother is schizophrenic, and while that is a different mental illness I think the "mixed messages" aspect is similar and really messes with your head for years.

My mother has terrible boundries, and I've had to be VERY clear about what I will and will not discuss with her. Child rearing is off limits. We actually have a sort of contract together, which I imposed of course. :giggle I will remind her once if she brings it up, that God has given my children to DH AND I to raise, DH AND I will be the ones accountable to God for them, not her. If she persists, I hang up or end the visit. It has been messy at times but lately she's needed only a warning...and Dh is backing me up now so it's even more effective. Yeah, I know, it doesn't sound "nice" but I have to protect my family. I consider it the ultimate in bean dip passing practice.

I was scared to have kids, too. I think the cycle is being broken and I praise God for that, it's all His doing. :amen

Willow is a blessed baby to have a gentle mama like you. :hug

Maggie
10-06-2006, 04:42 AM
((((((Deanna)))))) Keep following your heart and let God lead you in a different way of parenting than you were parented (as He is). :heart I have to do the same in some ways and it's hard! You're a great mama!! :hug

chelsea
10-06-2006, 09:07 AM
:hugheart Keep on parenting your child the way God is telling you to parent your child, and as hard as it is to believe right now...eventually the other voices *will* get quieter and quieter and eventually go away (not literally go away ;) , but they won't register anymore once they hit your ears!) :hug

2inHeaven2inMontana
10-06-2006, 09:23 AM
I'm very proud of you!!! You're being an awesome mom..and it gives me hope. My dh came from a family almost exactly what you've described, and the oldest girl is now 18, and sometimes I feel there is no chance she could be a normal mom...being raised that way.
So you are amazing!! And are doing a great great job!!!
Thankfully my MIL won't tell me how to run my family..but probably if I was her daughter she would...

Sarai
10-06-2006, 10:10 AM
I'm so sorry :bheart :hugheart

Know that you are doing the right thing...parenting your precious DD with all of the love and grace she needs. :heart YOU are a great mom- don't let your mother's words cause you to doubt that. :hug

Loaves Of Bread
10-06-2006, 10:39 AM
:grouphug

I have read all of the responses and they have all been of great comfort. :heart

I can't respond any more at this point because I'm at work, but I just want to thank everyone.

Intellectually I know anything she said should go in one ear and out the other, but it still bothered me for some reason.

I feel sort of bad posting that, because my parents have also done many wonderful things for us as well.

Can Dance
10-06-2006, 10:49 AM
:hugheart to you. thank you for sharing.

I think when you sit back and you think about your childhood, it can be almost bipolar. on one hand, you feel that your parents did a nice job and that you knew that you were loved. on the other hand...here are your memories. and as an outsider reading your stories, you were abused. I am sorry that you were. I hope I am not stepping on your toes, but sometimes when you get "further" from the situation, you see things a lot more clearly than what you recognised when you were in it.
she is still your mother and obviously you still love her, but maybe its the time to process what your childhood was like. that way you will feel less intimidated by your mother when she says the kind of manipulative negative things on you that she has about raising your child.
but maybe its not the time. its up to you. I know something's act as a catalyst in my life and give me clarity about things I had not previously recognised.

:hug2

ETA: you said "I feel bad posting this..."
no you shouldn't feel bad. you are not responsible for your parents actions. you have the right to process what they did to you. you are not to blame for their poor parenting decisions. you were the child. you are now an adult and you are only telling a group of friends who care. :hug

ArmsOfLove
10-06-2006, 07:59 PM
Sweetie, your mother has absolutely no frame of reference for normal and her "advice" is never going to be within the framework of the real world :cry

Sadly, your frame of reference is very skewed also. Check out Ames and Ilg's series "Your one year old" "Your two year old" etc and see if she is in the range of normal behavior for her age (ignore the discipline stuff starting with the 3yo book ;) ) and if not then we can give some ideas. Otherwise trust that she's doing fine :)

MarynMunchkins
10-06-2006, 08:18 PM
:hug My mom has all the symptoms of BPD as well. Her parenting advice is horrid. I cut off contact with her a couple years ago for many reasons, but her constant interference in my parenting and the scare tactics she used were definitely included.

It's a strange dynamic when you deal with your own mom. No matter what she says or how absurd you realize it is, it affects you because it is your mom. You want to have a friendship and solid relationship with her, and there is all this STUFF in the way that makes it difficult if not impossible. There is no easy way to let it go in one ear and out the other because moms are supposed to be helpful, supportive, and loving. And the fact is that they aren't always that way. :neutral It makes things hard.

It sounds like you are doing fine with your dd. She's a 2 yo. They have tantrums, big feelings, and bad days. :shrug It's normal and not that big a deal. :)

RubySlippers
10-07-2006, 01:26 AM
:hugheart

It sounds like you are doing fine with your dd. She's a 2 yo. They have tantrums, big feelings, and bad days. :shrug It's normal and not that big a deal. :)

:yes And they will continue to have those kinds of days, here it happens on a normal day. :shrug Our dd is older than two and she pushes faces away, stiff arms, etc., when she doesn't want affection. It's completely normal, and :tu for respecting her boundaries. When she's older maybe she will communicate her boundaries with words instead of actions.

Dana Joy
10-12-2006, 07:46 AM
You are an amazing mom :hug2

Mamatoto
10-12-2006, 07:50 AM
I am reading a really really deep book right now called "Drama of a Gifted Child" and it talks about how your relationship with your mother affects your relationship with your children (and your own self in regards to depression, etc.). :hugheart :hugheart

babygardener
10-16-2006, 11:19 AM
Wow . . . you've done it! You should be so proud of yourself for breaking the cycle of violence in your own family. Filtering out the bad stuff from your own childhood and mothering by heart is the best gift you can give Willow. You've even married someone who supports you. It sounds like you're doing everything right. :tu

In terms of your mom, I agree with whoever wrote that BOUNDARIES are the key. I would let her know that your parenting is not a topic you are willing to discuss with her in the future. If she can't comment on it, she can't make you feel bad on the sly.

About the guilt of writing about your parents: posting was a totally healthy thing to do for yourself and just shows how far you have come in respecting yourself. Because kids often need to idealize their parents to survive, they often find themselves trying to protect their parents by not telling. But this is sick. Kids shouldn't protect parents, parents should protect kids!

God bless you! :hug

Loaves Of Bread
10-23-2006, 06:31 AM
I've been off the forum for about a week because I've been super-busy with things at home, and getting ready for my job to end (yay... I'll finally get to :chill)... but I just wanted to say thanks for the new and supportive responses! :tu

Joanne
10-25-2006, 04:43 PM
My parents are not bad people, and they were good parents in many other ways, but totally out of control when it came to punishment.

Aw, {{{{struggling mom}}}}

You are going to have to confront the reality of your upbrining, get angry, process it in order to move forward.

Your parents weren't out of control when it came to punishment. They were out of control, period. They should be in jail, still, for what they did to you.

It's way beyond anything remotely reasonable.