Shy 4 year old

[beatlemommy]

Okay. I have been gung ho for a while at the prospect of homeschooling my kids. My worry is of course socialization. We (up until last year-July 05) had moved around a lot. We are back in my small hometown (3,000). We really don't get out *here* very often. I have not loved the churches around here, so that is not even regular attendance for us. I tried putting my 4 year old in story time this summer, but that was a no go. I took him several times, he never cried, but clung to me. One girl I know from high school led him in so I could go when he didn't notice. I felt horrible about that, and would not let that happen again. I asked him recently if he wanted to try story time again, and he said no. I thought my parents were on board w/homeschooling, until my dad said on Friday that he thought Jack should go to school next year, that he is needing that socialization. What should I do? Have I totally screwed my kids up by not having with kids their age much?

[CelticJourney]

For us the key was to have socialization that included mom, not excluded her. By trying to learn a new skill and deal with the seperation at the same time is setting him up for failure. Next time, go with him, let him cling and eventually he will get the idea that you are not leaving. After that, he will relax and maybe start making some friends. I think moving around a lot can increase the need for someone familiar to help bridge the social issues.

[AprilBr]

My oldest was the same way. And I really believe that if we say they are shy...especially around them, they may use it as a crutch. Our oldest did. She is doing really well now. She is reserved but once she knows someone becomes more aquainted she is herself. We have missed the last 3 Sundays because of vacation and yesterday was our first back. This was going to be a new SS class for her and she went right in and participated! I think it has to be a little of letting them come out a little on their own but with us highly encouraging doing different things.

Why doesn't he want to go back to story time? Is it because you weren't with him? To me, socialization is a non-issue about homeschooling.

ETA: My oldest started coming out of her shell when she was hanging out with children older and younger than her...not really the same age. Her favorite person is my 12yr old cousin.

[slingmamaof4]

No you haven't messed up your kids! That sounds fairly normal--especially considering the moving around. I wouldn't say he is shy...just cautious...which can be a very good thing. He definitely does not sound ready to start any program that would be away from you and really there is no reason he should. And schools don't offer the best socialization anyway. The little girl I watch is not that shy and she has been in school for a month on the 28th and she has yet to make a friend. She cries that she doesn't want to go to school and that she doesn't like it. :sad2

The main place socialization should be happening is with his family. He doesn't need to attend school for socialization. No matter what approach of hs'ing appeals to you I think that the chapter in The Well Trained Mind would be helpful for you right now. Here are a few quotes from that chapter:


In our society, children, taught by their peer groups, learn to survive, not to live with kindness and grace. Exclusive peer groups–cliques–start forming around age five. Even in kindergarten, children are accepted or rejected on the basis of what they wear, what toys they own, what TV programs they watch.


The trend in our culture is to devalue–even bypass–the family as a basic until of socialization. But it’s within the family that children learn to love by seeing love demonstrated; learn unselfishness both through teaching and through example (choosing to teach children at home is unselfishness at work); learn conflict resolution by figuring out how to get along with parents and each other.


(talking about the school environment) “The child learns how to function in a specific environment, one where he’s surrounded by thirty children his own age. Theis a very specific type of socialization, one that may not prove particularly useful. When , during the course of his life, will he find himself in this kind of context? Not in work or in family life or in his hobbies. The classroom places the child in a peer-dominated situation that he’ll probably not experience again….’socially-isolated, age-graded peer group’ created a damagind dependency in which middle-school students relied on thier classmates for approval, direction, and affection…The antidote for peer-cented socialization is to make the family the basic unit of socialization–the center of the child’s experience. The family should be the place where real things happen, where there is a true interest in each other, acceptance, patience, and peace, as far as is possible.”

I would just get involved--you and him and your other children if possible--in playgroups, hs'ing groups, and such that the children seem intereted in and don't pressure them to go play without you...stay with them and after a while they will feel secure enough to initate the goign to play while mommy chats with the other mommies (but is still there).

HTH! :hug

[Leslie]

Of my three sons, the first was shy and took time to warm up to people, the second was friendly and outgoing (he was the only one I could ever leave at the church nursery) and the third sounds like your son. He was glued to me until he was six or seven! Same parents, same training, same family - so it just goes to show that it's probably nothing you did.

We'd go rollerskating and he'd sit next to me and refuse to skate and have fun! It wasn't until he was eight that he started joining in, but now he's fine. I never forced him, I gave him every opportunity to join in and tried to encourage him, but I never pressured him, and he eventually just grew out of it.

It would be interesting to know what happens to a child like this who has to go to school and is forced to cope, whether it stretches them and is a good experience, or whether the stress makes them hide a part of themselves and turn inward. I don't know the answer to that.

[AprilBr]

It would be interesting to know what happens to a child like this who has to go to school and is forced to cope, whether it stretches them and is a good experience, or whether the stress makes them hide a part of themselves and turn inward. I don't know the answer to that.


That was me. And you know what I was always terrified, almost paralyzing shy. I didn't do anything. I was forced to go to school and hated every grade except for 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th, 10th and 12th. I woke up every morning for 13yrs with a nervous stomach (I had diarrhea every morning). I quit Brownies after 2wks, I didn't play T-ball or anything I really wanted to because I just couldn't and to tell you the truth I was never encouraged. I was really good at those things but never encouraged. I never wanted Rachel to feel what I felt so I am always encouraging her. I feel like I missed out because I was so scared to try anything. I was shy until I was about 18yrs old, maybe a little younger.

[joandsarah77]

I totally believe that the tend to be extroverted or introverted is totaly inbuilt. Some people come wired to be shy and some to be outgoing and I don't think normal family situations can alter it. (not talking about poor abused kids) I've heard people say there child cried every time they left them at day care all year and that what the obvously need is more seperation. :( :td Or they will say they cried every time but then after 6 months were fine (reading between the lines any thinking person can tell there child isn't fine just withdrawn into themselves in resignation.) Then they wonder why there child bites there nails :nails or gets tummy upsets all the time. :no2

My daughter has never been to daycare yet is very outgoing, she talks under boiling oil to any stanger and I can't stop her! :giggle I went to school at 5 shy and came out shy 11 years later. Some kids will outgrow there shyness sometime between 4-9, but I don't think that happens because of school.

I get so tired of reading posts on boards were the 'blame' to someones childs shyness is that there mother is a sahm and so the child isn't seperated anough and the sugested 'cure' is day care or school. :banghead
Extreme shyness can be crippling, but given encouragment and suport a child can grow out of that. There is nothing wrong in being a little shy, quiet ot reserved. When will people get over the mindset that only being an extrovert is good. What about that God made them that way for some reason we can't see, and who are we to argue with that.
*getting off soap box :giggle *

[beatlemommy]

Thanks for all the feedback. I think I do need to get involved more in groups where children aren't seperated from mommy. That's why I don't go to MOPS here, Jack especially would hate it. My 2 year old on the other hand is extremely outgoing. It was funny, when my dad told me that the other day (that Jack needed to go to school to get over shyness) my mom was like "why, so what." She herself has been an extremely shy person. She asked my dad, why does Jack need to stop being shy? Why is that such a big deal? My dad is a huge extrovert (he always says if he loses his ability to speak, that they will be in the poorhouse :lol ). That is probably why it is so important to him not shy=money maker? Who knows.