a sad vent

[HomeWithMyBabies]

I am really so sad about my friend. We used to be pretty close. I feel like we're separated by our parenting choices.

I gave her my warning about Ezzo when she was pregnant and reading Babywise. I only did it once. She told me she'd read all the good and bad stuff and she was going to do it. I dropped it and only offered suggestions when asked, which she didn't take because they don't want to "spoil" their dd.

She never calls me anymore. I called her today and she said, "I was going to call you, I need to borrow..." She was putting her daughter, three weeks older than my youngest, down for a nap. The baby was crying and crying alone in her room. She was telling me about how "bad" her dd is because of certain (age appropriate) behaviors. She told me how her dd cries whenever they leave her in the nursery, and how she didn't for the first time yesterday, and how great that is that her dd knows now that they're not coming back for her just because she cries. :( I almost said, "Is that really what you want your child to learn?" but I held my tongue.

I had nothing much to say to her. I really feel bad for her, because she is missing SO MUCH. She sounds so stressed and she doesn't even see she is working for this "program", it's not working for her. I know this has happened to many of you. She was a close friend to me, and I hate to see her so wrapped up in this. :bheart

[snlmama]

:hug2 :pray

[apmommy]

this is my sil. her twins are 2 y/o and she still lets them cio. they still cio to sleep. wouldn't you think after 2 years of doing it, they wouldn't cry?? Meaning, should that be a clue that it is not working? Nope.

It's so sad. I'm sorry you're going through this. :hugheart

[katiekind]

I am sorry. It hurts a lot, I know. :bheart

[4MKfam]

You know, I've come to the conclusion that people don't let/make their little ones cio because it "works." They do it because they, as the parents, aren't willing to do the work involved in helping their kids sleep in other gentler ways. If they really analyzed whether it "works" from the perspective of a lonely, hungry 8 week old baby, I think they'd see the light.
Hope you and your friend can find some common ground and you can share more with her. :hugheart As the mom of a new baby, I got caught in the middle of two friends that were disagreeing re: ezzo vs. ap (The upside of that was that I studied both and made a more informed decision to use some ap ideas, and managed to maintain a friendship with both moms). I can see how it would make a friendship really strained.

[MarynMunchkins]

:hug2 My sil is like that with my niece. She's 2, and still screams for a nap.

You know, I've come to the conclusion that people don't let/make their little ones cio because it "works." They do it because they, as the parents, aren't willing to do the work involved in helping their kids sleep in other gentler ways

I don't always think this is true. For many children, being held/rocked is far too over-stimulating after being left alone to cry. I very distinctly remember trying to rock Doug to sleep or have him in bed with me, and he'd cry louder and longer being close to me. I'd created my own rock and hard place, and I was stuck between them. :(

[klpmommy]

I don't always think this is true. For many children, being held/rocked is far too over-stimulating after being left alone to cry. I very distinctly remember trying to rock Doug to sleep or have him in bed with me, and he'd cry louder and longer being close to me. I'd created my own rock and hard place, and I was stuck between them.

My ds didn't cry at home anymore, but this is *exactly* how I felt when we went on vacation when ds was nearly 2 y/o. DD had been cue fed & rocked to sleep & had no problems with falling asleep wherever we were (the Zoo, Sea World, the hotel)- all she needed was Mommy, some nursies & her paci. DS was a total nightmare to get to sleep. At home- no problem. On vacation- I had brought his stuffed friends, his blanket, his music box & his sheets from his bed. He couldn't fall asleep b/c he was in a strange place, it wasn't his room. I ended up holding him while he screamed for 5 minutes- he couldn't fall asleep, but it was just enough for him to relax & be able to fall asleep in the porta-crib. When we got home dh insisted on teaching him to co-sleep & fall asleep with us. Ever since doing that going on vacation has been no problem. Both kids just need their one special thing (ds's puppy, dd's paci) & me.

I had definately created a "rock & a hard place" for myself with ds's sleep. It was a challenge to get out of it, but I am glad that we did. If dd hadn't been such a breeze to get to sleep on vacation we might have not been able to connect the dots on how we had messed up with ds.

[HomeWithMyBabies]

I agree, I think she's made *more* work for herself. Her dd won't sleep anywhere except her crib after "putting herself to sleep."

She is very demanding of herself, everything has to be perfect, and I think that is the root of this for her. She wanted to be able to control everything down to the tiniest detail, and now every little detail has control of her. I just want to hug her and tell her she's not a bad parent if her baby acts like a baby! :(

[joyful mama]

:cry I honestly think that cio 'works' for some and not for others. That doesn't make it 'right' by any means. My kids aren't the best sleepers, but there is just something about singing them to sleep... or rocking... or nursing them down. Sometimes my oldest doesn't want to be held, or even have her back rubbed, but she just wants me to be there, and that's fine. The last two nights they have fallen to sleep with me singing a soft praise song "Jesus" and ... it was so sweet. I really think some parents miss out on these precious memories. Who wants to rmemeber thier baby's childhood as one in wich th ey cried all the time? :sad2

I think parenting has really taught me my faults and challenged me on levels I didn't think possible. I 'wanted' to be perfect... and I can't be. This poor woman, I really feel bad for her and h er child.

[Titus2Momof4]

:bheart How sad for this mom and baby. :(

On the CIO thing.. I honestly think that many, many times, it isn't so much that the parent's aren't *willing* to do the gentler methods of getting their child to sleep~I think it's more often a matter of they are *scared* to do those gentler things. They have bought into stuff from books about how they will surely spoil their baby, and even though deep down they may actually want to go pick their baby up, they are scared of ruining the baby. I have read Babywise 2, and used to be on Ezzo lists....so even though I've never seen BW1, from what I could tell from what people on email lists were saying, he must really be scaring people into believing this mentality. As I've said before, I would see countless emails with people fretting that their baby no longer goes down for a nap at 1, lately she's been staying up playing in the room until 1:45, and still wakes up at the same time, only now she isn't getting a solid 2hr sleep and oh no what's this going to lead to, her whole schedule is thrown off now, yada yada yada. This goes back to the stressful parenting thread... Having AP'd *all* of my kids as babies (yes, ended up spanking as they got older), I never bought into this mentality of Ezzo with newborns/infants and sleeping/schedules. Oh I *tried* to make a schedule, but do you know how insane I made myself trying? Til finally I said forget this, we were happy the way we were before all this micromanaging stuff! LOL Out went the Ezzo....I don't know why I tried it, but whatever. Alas, our family is much happier using *routines* and not schedules. I love routines, and so do the kids I think... but scheduling is crazy, particularly with kids!

[katiekind]

they are scared of ruining the baby

:yes

I think that's very true. That puts a compassionate face on it--one that we can all probably relate to.

I can look back over the things I regret doing as a parent and an unwarranted FEAR was always at the root. :doh