Nurturing 4/5 yr old with new sibling

[Quiteria]

Hi,

I have seen general recommendations for helping an older child deal with a sibling--pay more attention including alone time, involve older child in babycare, read a book while nursing. Ok, that sounds great, but realistically, my baby (5mo) nurses pretty often, and not so well when older sister is bouncing around the room--he is going through a stage in which he prefers to nurse in the privacy of the bedroom. I read to my older child (almost 5yrs) at naptime and bedtime, and sometimes I can get her to hold still for one more book at another nursing, but I need more specific ideas. :scratch I know she is feeling a little left out; she's started to act up while I'm feeling the baby. (Is there a "pulling my hair out in frustration" icon??)

1. What are some things that you do to make an older sibling feel loved? What? How? When?
2. How do you react when he/she does misbehave during a nursing session (or other inconvenient time when you are attending to the baby)?
3. How do you meet his/her needs while still meeting the needs of the baby in a timely manner? (Mine is at the age where she is capable of some indepence, but starting to resent being asked to do things by herself!...regressing to asking for more help, just for the attention)

Help!

[BornFreeBaby]

:popcorn


I am SO with you on this one!!

[fruitofthewomb]

:popcorn Me too! How about this one... :hissyfit

[Fern]

Oh dear! I am probably the least qualified person to answer this but I'll try, since there aren't any other responses yet.

My dd was only 2 when the twins were born but exhibited much of the same behavior. We're expecting another baby when she's about 4.5, so I'll be doing this again...

When the boys were too distracted by Athena to continue nursing, I tried to be patient and let them pop off and on, but I set limits to what was comfortable for me. Really, if they are truly hungry or thirsty, they'll keep drinking, so the popping on and off is after they've got a little in their bellies and are comfortable.

Reading didn't work for us since I needed both hands to hold babies, and dd didn't like to hold books herself. During nursing sessions I turned on the tv. PBS is great. Also, this will be tough if your baby is very distractable, but Simon Says is an awesome game for nursing sessions. I could wear dd out and sit on my duff at the same time!!!! :rockon Same with Red Light Green Light, or any sort of game where you have her move around until you say "freeze!" and she has to hold whatever weird position she's in.

I made a schedule that we loosely followed, that scheduled in craft time for me and dd while her brothers napped. She LOVES crafts. She also loves baking, so we'd often bake muffins or cookies -- even something quick from a mix -- and have a tea party int he afternoon. She really likes that. It makes her feel special and makes it easy for me to focus on her if we're sitting down at the table together, just the two of us. If a baby woke up early I'd bring him back to our tea party, put him in a highchair and give him a little snack too, and dd got a kick out of that as well.

When dd misbehaved during nursing sessions, I tried to ignore it whenever possible. I know that's the wrong answer, but it was too hard to get two babies positioned safely whereever we were nursing and go get her -- by that time she probably forgot what she did in the first place. I tried to pretend I didn't see the misbehavior. If it was a safety issue that was worth getting up for, but usually it was just annoying stuff. Or sometimes I'd ask her to stop but if she didn't, I *tried* to let it go. Not always successful with that, though. :O

My dd regressed when the boys were born and is still in that regression nearly two years later. There are a few things, but the most obvious is that her potty "learning" is basically where it was when they were born. I am *trying* to let her be a baby. This is mostly a new attempt on my part, because the boys are now at the age our dd was when we found out we were having twins. She was speaking in complete, complex thoughts and sentences, and they are rocking our world with "Ball? Is it?" She just didn't seem like a baby at that age the way they do to us now, so we are trying to remind ourselves that as mature as she may seem sometimes, we have to give her that baby stuff too. It isn't easy. But we try to indulge her when she asks for help, insists she's the baby too, talks in baby talk (although that one I can hardly stand), etc. I'm sure we'll look about at nearly-four and think, "Oh, she was SUCH a baby!!!!" so we are trying to let her live that out right now.

[fruitofthewomb]

I don't want to hijack this thread, but I'm reading about you doing what is in my heart to do - bake or do crafts or whatever w dd while ds naps, but how in the WORLD do you do that and get anything done????? I am consumed by this feeling of all I have to get done, and it seems the only time I can is when ds naps. Yet I'm missing out on this precious time with dd and it is taking a toll on our relationship. Maybe I should start a new thread... Still waiting for feedback on the OT... :popcorn

[Quiteria]

I don't want to hijack this thread, but I'm reading about you doing what is in my heart to do - bake or do crafts or whatever w dd while ds naps, but how in the WORLD do you do that and get anything done????? I am consumed by this feeling of all I have to get done, and it seems the only time I can is when ds naps. Yet I'm missing out on this precious time with dd and it is taking a toll on our relationship. Maybe I should start a new thread... Still waiting for feedback on the OT... :popcorn


You're not hijacking, that's part of it, too! I'm using naps when possible just to get done cooking that isn't safe while babywearing. Most of baby's sleep is WHILE nursing at our house.

[Quiteria]

I LOVE the games idea. Sure do hope ds will grow out of the distractibility somewhat eventually---went from 7:45-3:30 without settling down the other day to eat when we visited dd's morning preschool followed by dd being hyper after lunchtime.

[Fern]

I do think I had it easier in that mine were twins, and it just wasn't physically possible for me to wear them both, so they napped laying down in a crib from early on. I know that is a much bigger challenge for many of you with singletons -- it was for me with my daughter!

But to answer the question of getting anything done -- I don't. Our house is a mess. My husband loads and unloads the dishwasher almost every day, and we sweep the dining room and try to keep laundry moving, but otherwise this place is a disaster. But I can't deal with constant crying, so the house is what's had to go so far.

In my case, with the situation of babies sleeping off me, I can often get dd started on a craft and then sort of come and go and do other things while she works. Or with baking, I can make a quick muffin mix with her and all she's really after is licking the beaters/spatula while sitting on the counter. So I spend 5-10 mins. getting her to that point, then she's content while I clean up in the kitchen, do some other meal prep, etc. With my dd it doesn't really take a lot of my *focused* time to give her the feeling that we're doing something special together, just us.

Also, depending on the day, she sometimes really wants to be my pal and follow me around "helping" and making comments about the babies as if they are both of ours. Those days she'll help me clean, do laundry, etc. and it's sort of fun. Other days she wants to be more of a baby and will ask me to cuddle her, and I'll do that and we'll read or watch a show/movie during the boys' nap.

Another thing that's been more of a ritual for us lately (boys are not nursing anymore but there's still that need for dd to reconnect with me during their naptime) is I got a bunch of old costume jewelry from my aunt's house. It's nothing special, but it's sparkly and fascinating to my dd. During the babies' nap and only then, she's allowed to get it out and look through it. I'll have her do that in my bedroom while I get our laundry put away, and we'll chat about the different pieces or she'll tell me the different ways she's sorting things. If you have costume or even real jewelry, or special photo albums your dd has historically not been allowed to touch, or something, even giving her access to those things during a nap while you're in the same room could have an effect on how she feels about her status in the family.

I do want to reiterate that I understand many of you have it a lot tougher -- twins are rough in some ways, but in other ways they are much easier than a single baby. You just have to let some of the housework go when you have a little one. It is hard not to live up to your own standards, but this is a short time of living in squalor :giggle and your dd will remember the fun stuff you do with her forever. I know I remember my own mom taking time out of cleaning to sit down on the floor with me and have a plastic food picnic. That's one of my best memories of my mom from early childhood.