How do you explain divorce to your children?

[2sunshines]

I knew this question would come sooner or later. My mil and fil are divorced. My children are very close to my mil, and know my fil, but that's about it. Yesterday, my 4 yo ds was asked why daddy's mom and dad (his grandma and grandpa) do not live together.

I wasn't sure how to answer that question. He's only 4 and very sensitive. I mean, I want him to understand that some parents are divorced because he's going to come across that more and more as he ages (with peers parents and such) but I also want don't want him to think of divorce as something "normal" because according to the bible, God despises divorce. But I also don't want to be judgemental or to teach him to be judgemental. On top of all this, I'm afraid that once he knows that not all parents live together, he might transfer that knowledge into fear that his parents might not always live together. And I don't want him to have that insecurity, even in the slightest amount.

So, keeping all those thoughts in mind, how should I explain divorce to ds?

How have you explained it?

[ArmsOfLove]

this is a hard one for sure :hug

I've told my children that divorce is when people who got married decide that they don't want to be married anymore. I told them that sometimes it's because it's not safe for the people to be married, sometimes it's not healthy and sometimes it's just selfish and they decide not to be married anymore. I also told them that God hates divorce and that mommy and daddy love each other and love God and are not going to decide to not be married--and that if they are ever worried about us or this issue they can come and talk with us about it :)

That's what we did at least :)

I know when my brother was younger he asked my mom if she and my dad were still having s#x :hunh She asked why he wanted to know and he said that his friend's parents were getting divorced and all he knew was that they didn't do that anymore :( She assured him that was fine in their marriage and he felt much better :phew So it's definately something I'd talk about before they learn about it from someone else :giggle

[2sunshines]

Thanks Crystal.

So it's definately something I'd talk about before they learn about it from someone else

I totally agree. I told my dh that we need to sit down with him this weekend and talk to him about it because I want him to get those answers from us and not from anyone else.

[AKCristyMJ]

A very interesting question.
Especially from my point of view because I am divorced which makes it a bit harder to just blurt out that God despises divorce.
I was raised being told that and it really confused me once I was in a marriage with a cheating husband who was controlling, violent at times and had a scary jealous streak.
If he had not verrrrry much agreed to divorce, I would probably still be in that marriage.
And yet I still hold regrets.


I think this really presents an interesting topic on how to exsplain to our dc about divorce but also get across when it is ok, when we would want our dc to get away from a spouce like that.

I work to emphasize to my dd's the positives that a marriage SHOULD be, and how they can pray and take their spouce choice very seriously.
I have exsplained to dd so far that some adults marry out of lust or marry too fast or did not marry a christian etc.....and this then can lead to problems later.
Marriage isn't something to enter into w/out much prayer nor should anyone leave a marriage w/out much prayer. But some couples do both w/out seeking Gods advice first.

To my dc I will emphasize how big marriage is and how big divorce is.
I think instead of saying God hates it, I will say that I believe God does not see it....as in who you marry, and even maybe whoever you sleep with, is your spouce. Just because we break that union does not mean God does not still see it as a union, but I believe too.....He forgives.
Lord knows if I were to tel my dd God hates divorce she'd go to our neighbors and say it just like that and as a divorced woman I know that comment would really hurt.
I've heared similar and worse from other adult christians infact. :cry

I will also emphasize to my dc that people have very individual lives and long detailed stories.
You just never know why someone divorced. What story lead up to it, how God has used that choice they made, if that person regrets it etc etc.
So I think for me although I will clarify some reasons couples divorce I will simply say that divorce is a long hard process but sometimes it is a needed one (abuse, adultery, control, homesexuality etc etc) and sometimes it is a choice made too quickly w/out serious need for it, and even some couples divorce because their spouce wanted it but they did not.
And then I can certainly use my story pointing out all I shoulda done differently before-during-after my 1st marriage.

WE've really ran into this tho because all 3 of our 4plex neighbors are in 2nd marriages. And their dc have step parents and weekends with the other parent and all that......so dd and I already had to talk bout why so and so does not call her mom "mom", but goes off with her real mom for holidays etc etc.

[ArmsOfLove]

To my dc I will emphasize how big marriage is and how big divorce is.
I think instead of saying God hates it, I will say that I believe God does not see it....as in who you marry, and even maybe whoever you sleep with, is your spouce. Just because we break that union does not mean God does not still see it as a union, but I believe too.....He forgives.
Lord knows if I were to tel my dd God hates divorce she'd go to our neighbors and say it just like that and as a divorced woman I know that comment would really hurt.
I've heared similar and worse from other adult christians infactI hear what you're saying here, but God does hate divorce. That's a quote. To me it's important to emphasize how much God hates divorce because this means it's SO important who you marry! And *how* you marry. God hating it doesn't mean that there aren't times that it's necessary--and there are other things God hates (like abuse, adultery, etc). But I don't think it's wise to water down God's opinion about divorce :shrug

[AKCristyMJ]

Well what sin does God not hate???

I guess it's ok to put it like that to your dc along with all the other info.
And an emphasis on His forgiveness and grace.

I want my dc to realize fully God hates sin but loves the sinner.
I'd leave it at that, atleast for now.

It's always good to give the full story and be carefull because saying it like that leads many dc to think that their parents then hate this.
I certainly still think my parents hate and despice my divorcing, more so than I think God does.

Ya know, like my mom being raised being told how much God hates fornication......and then she was brutally date raped when she 14 but told no one thinking God hated it as fornication.
And I know for maaaaaany christian women traped in awfull marriages they focus so much on that word-divorce-and how they think God thinks of it alone instead of their safety. Or even how their family and church will think of it.

I know too many women who knew/dated the man a long long time before marriage, did everthing right and he still ended up adulterous, or abusive, or drug addicts or molesting their dc etc etc. :sad2
So I very much hope to teach my dc how, why, when to marry the "right way" hopefully, but want them to know in awfull situations divorce is the answere.

[mamabeanbean]

I want my dc to realize fully God hates sin but loves the sinner.



:clap Such a reassuring thought for those of us who have been in (and out of) dangerous and unhealthy relationships and need to explain that to our kids. I'm listening for more advice; soon enough ds will be old enough to wonder why mommy and daddy don't live together. :popcorn