Talk to me about Attachment Parenting beyond the first year...

[Heather R]

Hi gals,

I'm pretty new to this site, though I've been lurking for a while. I am a SAHM to my 13 month old daughter, Faith. DH works during the day but is very involved in the evenings and on weekends. Anyway... my question is about AP and how to practice it beyond infancy. It seemed so straightforward when DD was a baby... what she wanted was what she needed... impossible to overindulge... no real worries about permissiveness...etc...

It seems like when she turned one, everything changed. I mean, of course she is still a baby in so many ways, but it seems like there is so much more conflict in our home. :( For instance, Faith loves to climb on the couch when DH and I are sitting on it. That's fine. But she is constantly grabbing the pictures that hang behind it. Not fine. We tell her "Look with your eyes, don't touch", and gently move her hands. She understands and will shake her head, no. And reaches again. Sometimes I can distract her by tickling, wrestling, etc, or relocating her to a different part of the room. But sometimes she freaks out. Completely. I comfort, cuddle, distract, and try not to get impatient.

Is there something I'm missing? Or do I just keep stating and enforcing the boundary?

I have a hard time deciding what the rules should be... Like, right now, she has one cupboard and two drawers that she's allowed to play in in the kitchen. But to be honest, it drives me crazy that the container lids are constantly all over the floor. Should I change the rule (get cabinet locks?)? Or just get over the mess and pick it up, again?

Sometimes I feel like GBD/AP requires this endless amount of patience that I just don't have. For instance, with the example in Crystal's book about impolite requests and her advice to respond "I'd love to get it for you, can you ask me in a way that makes me feel appreciated?"... Well, what if I wouldn't love to get it for her? What if I feel she should get it herself (or not have it)? (Obviously this refers to an older child... but my emotions are the same...

Or with the "handling her big feelings"... Sometimes I can't handle them. Sometimes her screaming makes my heart race and my head pound... :hissyfit

I've read Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, Biblical Parenting, How to talk... , etc. and sometimes I just feel like I can't live up to that standard... :(

Any advice, comments, support welcome.

Thanks,
Heather

[malakoa]

Our babies are about the same age, so I can't take a long time to write back but wanted to say one thing -

Those great books are all guidlines, not hard and fast rules... It's not a standard we have to live by, just some ideas on how to make things easier....

The Five Steps really help us A LOT!!! Look at the sticky that has them explained....for those of us taht don't have patience, having these steps to follow really helps.

And latches on the cabinets and drawers can be a big help too - if you're resenting her, change what you're doing (Sears taught me that)

[DogwoodMama]

I second the if you resent it, change it thing. :hug Still thinking about your question, I hope to post more later! :heart

[CelticJourney]

Well, what if I wouldn't love to get it for her? What if I feel she should get it herself (or not have it)? (Obviously this refers to an older child... but my emotions are the same...

Deal with later, later. But as the mom of an almost 11 and 8 yo, I will say "yes you many have that, but you need to find a way to ask nicely first", "or yes you may have that and I think you are old enough to take care of that for yourself; but thank you for asking first." The older they get, the more open they are to conversations about mutual respect and families working together.

As for now, with the examples you gave, you can change the envirnment, as already suggested. I would also suggest you think about motivation. 13 months is not too young to be curious about the pictures or interested in watching and seeing what happens if you push it a little - it might swing or bounce or something. Curiousity is a strong drive for little ones, it helps them grow. You just have to make sure that how they explore is safe and doesn't cause you too much stress. It's not a matter of disobedience, it's more a matter of curiousity pushing them beyond what adults will allow. Normal. Try to enjoy it - even when it drives you a little crazy, because it will seem like tomorrow when they will be preteens and far from a baby anymore.

[craftinmum]

Is there a way you can reposition the couch so that the pictures are not exactly as accessible? Like pulling the couch out futher?

As much as I appreciate parenting books, I think that ideals in parenting books and reality aren't always the same. For instance, if it isn't working climbing over plastic lids/container anymore, then perhaps you do need child locks for your sanity. Better to lock a few cupboards then to get to a point where AP parenting is just too unattainable for you.

Parenting works best when parents are open to modify the ideals to work with the reality. When you add additional children to the picture, more modification may be needed again.

Don't give up on relational rearing because of standards too high, just modify the standards to fit your family and follow your instincts. You'll know if it's working or not...

[Heather R]

Thank you all for your replies. I hope my post didn't sound too negative. There are so many great things about being a mommy to a one-year-old, too! :)

I like the comment about if you're resenting something, change it. There are definately some things that will change. ;) And I agree that while the books present a nice "ideal", it can be overwhelming to try to achieve that. So I will try to take the things that work and go from there.

I definately don't want to "give up" on AP, it's just that it's changing so much lately. I'll maybe take a read through more of the posts to get a sense of how things work in your homes. :)

Heather

[CelticJourney]

I definately don't want to "give up" on AP, it's just that it's changing so much lately

Oh, yes, once they can move, life as you knew it is out the window - but in a good way!

Try to remember that AP is about meeting needs of the whole family. If the picture thing stresses you out, just move it. It's OK to know what drives you crazy and set some boundies. It's not about permissiveness.

[malakoa]

Thank you all for your replies. I hope my post didn't sound too negative. There are so many great things about being a mommy to a one-year-old, too! :)

I like the comment about if you're resenting something, change it. There are definately some things that will change. ;) And I agree that while the books present a nice "ideal", it can be overwhelming to try to achieve that. So I will try to take the things that work and go from there.

I definately don't want to "give up" on AP, it's just that it's changing so much lately. I'll maybe take a read through more of the posts to get a sense of how things work in your homes. :)

Heather


I am totally where you are right now... But the truth is I don't believe there is another way - or that any of the other ways are more effective.... My friends who smacked hands had toddlers that were disobedient sometimes.... So do we....

[Lois]

I totally understand where you are comming from. My dd is 14 mos and being pregnent seems to affect my patience and everything else too! I have had to make several adjustments in order to keep my sanity. One is to expect less of myself as far as what I get accoplished in a day because I am not only meeting the needs of my dd but I am also teaching her new things and I have to be present to guide her as she learns and explores more.
I know what you mean about the lids :P I usually can only stand it during dinner time fixing and then it's away with them...but I just limited it to one box in the cubbord of plastic containers so that it's not to hard to pick them up.

[LittleSweetPeas]

I just wanted to encourage you that I often feel the same exact way you do. Some days I just feel like locking myself in a bedroom and ignoring every single one of their needs. :shifty

For me, AP beyond infancy means really beginning to see my little one develop as a person. I try to understand her as a person and look at the world from her perspective. I am trying to listen and love and touch. I am trying to respond to her needs no matter how big or small because to her they are ALL big. I am trying to teach her that all her feelings are okay but demonstrating the appropriate ways for her to show those feelings. I am establishing loving boundaries and showing her that mistakes happen but she always has loving arms to fall back into. I am trying to establish our family as her launching pad and landing pad--we are trying to teach her new things and grow her and develop her but she can always land back in our arms for cuddles and hugs and forgiveness.

In contrast I see a lot of parents trying to push their kids into being grownups, stifling their feelings, emotions and responses. Preventing them from learning boundaries through experiences. Responding in anger rather than love. Teaching them to solve it/share it/do it on their own. :shrug

[Joanne]

I read your post(s).

What you are describing is life with a little one. It's not a AP or "AP for older" problem. You'd be dealing with the same issues (mess, repitition, reaching for things to explore) if you spanked, or any other punishment.

You'll be dealing with these issues for months to come. I suggest reading the Ig and Ames books that describe age expected behavior.

AP/positive discipline doesn't require any more activity and time than other kind of parenting.

[Desert Rose]

You'll be dealing with these issues for months to come. I suggest reading the Ig and Ames books that describe age expected behavior.

Yeah, that and everything else Joanne said! :tu

[LittleSweetPeas]

I read your post(s).

What you are describing is life with a little one. It's not a AP or "AP for older" problem. You'd be dealing with the same issues (mess, repitition, reaching for things to explore) if you spanked, or any other punishment.

You'll be dealing with these issues for months to come. I suggest reading the Ig and Ames books that describe age expected behavior.

AP/positive discipline doesn't require any more activity and time than other kind of parenting.


I would totally disagree with that! AP does require more time and thought and dedication! Its far "easier" to spank a kid for touching the picture frames then it is to move the frames, redirect, and to do that again and again and again. Dont some call it, "Get off your butt parenting?" :D

I suppose I read her post as wondering how you transfer all the things you were doing while they were an infant to an older child. You spend all these months responding to cries and comforting and carrying and then they are one (or two or three) and those arent quite the needs anymore but the needs they do have all of a sudden feel more demanding than any of the ones they had as infants! It is quite exhausting! :hug2

[Joanne]

I would totally disagree with that! AP does require more time and thought and dedication
Its far "easier" to spank a kid for touching the picture frames then it is to move the frames, redirect, and to do that again and again and again.

A spanking parent has to do all that, as well. :shrug I think sometimes "we" in the AP community forget that spanking parents move, redirect, and do it again and again and again. They may or may not spank in addition.

But let's be honest here about it. Spanking parents don't just spank.

[Heather R]

Thanks for the continued replies and discussion. I do disagree with Joanne that AP isn't any harder than non-relational parenting. If I was unaware or chose to ignore DD's wants and desires, I do think it would make things easier. Now I'm not saying there wouldn't be long term consequences, or that it would be the "right" thing to do, but it's easier to deal with a 1-year-old fighting to be buckled in her carseat if you just tell yourself "I'm the mom and we're going to Walmart" than "Hmm, she really doesn't like this, maybe we should just stay home".

I think LittleSweetPeas gets what I'm saying. I love this quote: For me, AP beyond infancy means really beginning to see my little one develop as a person. I try to understand her as a person and look at the world from her perspective. I am trying to listen and love and touch. I am trying to respond to her needs no matter how big or small because to her they are ALL big. I am trying to teach her that all her feelings are okay but demonstrating the appropriate ways for her to show those feelings. I am establishing loving boundaries and showing her that mistakes happen but she always has loving arms to fall back into. I am trying to establish our family as her launching pad and landing pad--we are trying to teach her new things and grow her and develop her but she can always land back in our arms for cuddles and hugs and forgiveness.


This essentially captures my feelings. You spend all these months responding to cries and comforting and carrying and then they are one (or two or three) and those arent quite the needs anymore but the needs they do have all of a sudden feel more demanding than any of the ones they had as infants! It is quite exhausting! I know she still has needs and I want to meet them... I'm just having a hard(er) time doing that now than when she was an infant. That's why I'm here, though... to learn.

Joanne, I will look for that book. Thanks.

Heather

[kris10s]

The book is called "Your One Year Old" (they have them for every age...) and you should be able to borrow it from your public library. :tu

[BornFreeBaby]

With my dd, at first, GBD seemed a lot harder than spanking only because it was a whole change in my habits. When I spanked, my anger feelings were released on my dd, and it was over with quickly, even though it didn't make the behavior any better in the long run. But once I got down some of the tools in "Biblical Parenting", it became easier and easier than all of the angry, upset, and then guilty feelings I had when I spanked. It may seem hard at first to not lash out at your dc, but the more you use the tools, the more it becomes second nature and just as easy as spanking. There is a dialog that you use over and over that "works". And its just a matter of repeating that dialog and reinforcing the boundry. Once your dc gets to know that you are consistent in you boundries in a calm, loving and firm way, it gets easier. They get to know the magic words that mean business, and they comply. That said, redirecting a walking baby can be very tiring in general. Where spanking parents may sit back, yelling NO! and then only getting up to spank, GBD *is* get off your butt parenting, where you are actively and physically redirecting them and engaging them in something else. That can be tiring, but like I said, it gets to be second nature and you are training yourself to have more patience. Plus, knowing that its normal behavior for toddlers to get into everything, and that its not that they are behaving badly, you change your attitude about your dc. Instead of seeing their behavior as "bad" you have to first have a sense of humor and laugh knowing that your child is a wonderully smart and curious being. But remember that its a phase that won't last forever. I try to pick my battles and not get upset over every little thing.