Questions about Manners

[Tex]

My child using manners with me is one of my big sticking points. I taught Yes Ma'am and No Ma'am as well as please and thank you from the outset. Now that my Lil is 3, and spending more time with other children their speech is rubbing off and I am having to correct much more often than I ever did.

Are manners punitive? Are there any gentle ways to remind? What I am doing now is when Lil asks for something without 'May I please' I sit quietly until asked properly, or I say 'Pardon?'. Lil generally immediately asks correctly the second time. If Lil answers a question from me without Ma'am I repeat my question until answered properly. This also generally brings a proper response.

I use manners myself, with other adults and with Lil so I think that covers modeling. Is this cruel? Is there a better way to encourage manners?

[mamaKristin]

I am all about teaching my children to use manners, especially please and thank you. We do lots of modelling (I'm a model, who knew :giggle) When DS forgets to say please, I usually ask him to *try again, don't forget your special words* or I repeat his question/request with a big pause at the end and give the sign for please. He usually gets it. Same with thank you, he's much better at remembering that one, but sometimes a simple "and how you say..." or a " what can you say to (insert person to thank here) now?" helps him remember. He too is 3, just turned 3 actually. I also try to remember that I don't always remember to use please and thank you, so it would be even harder for him to get it right every time! I think if we are constant in gently reminding, it will become less necessary. I also don't want to make it a huge issue either, it's just how we talk to people.

[joystrength]

It may sound silly, but I usually thank my 3yo DS when he asks for something, or tag on a "please" when he forgets. I'm not sure what we'll do about the yes ma'am/sir issue. He was speech delayed (is?) and just now started to really, really talk coherently. However, manners ARE a biggy for us, simply for politeness reasons. DH and and I "model" as well, even to the point where we exaggerate the THank YOU and PLEASES. I'm trying to teach him (DS, not DH) to hold the door for others, etc, and say "excuse me" when he bumps into someone. My DD (19 mo) now says "thank you" when she hands you something, even tiny pieces of twigs out of the yard .. over, adn over, and over. She has it backward, but she's trying, right?
So, no, I don't think manners are cruel or punitive, etc. If you we're withholding food until she said EXACTLY the right prhase, that might be a different matter.

Modeling, and prompting are great encouragers, in my opinion! Yes, ma''am they are!

[CJ]

I think you're doing your children a great service by gently modeling and teaching manners while they're young. They will find it natural and easy SOME DAY :giggle to treat others respectfully and will have you to thank. Although I know it may seem like forever--I still remember my mom reminding me to "Use the magic word" well into childhood.

We often "beat our kids to it" when it comes to polite phrases:
DS: "May I have some more milk, please?"
Me: "Sure, here you go."
DS:
DH: "Thanks, Mom!"
DS: "Thanks, Mom!"

[Grover]

Nate[my never spanked GBD his whole life kid]age 2.Is very polite.
The only thing I can put it down too,is that I always use 'thankyou','please may I 'with him.Even if he hands me a piece of apple core for the trash I say thankyou
I say thankyou alot too,to the bus driver,the cashier etc..If he thanks me for something I say'your most welcome'.We play tea parties too and practise that way.
We have never witheld something for not saying please or thankyou.Just said it for him if he forgets.praise works wonders.Nate was out with grandma last week and she took him out for a cup of tea.The lady cook in the kitchen came out to praise him for be :grining so polite.of course grandma was deighted.
edited :tol spelling errors

[TulipMama]

I believe reminders and prompts are totally appropriate when done with kindness and a smile. Our attitude in reminding our little ones their good manners is key, I believe. Am I helping my child remember what he knows--or am I nagging?

[greenemama]

we remind, too. or "give a script" of what we'd like him to say. i think such things are caught (over being taught). children are great imitators so we do our best to give them something good to imitate. :grin

[mamaKristin]

one more thought I had on this...I HATE it when I see parents being unkind to their kids when reminding them to be polite. I try really hard to be polite to my son (DD is too young to talk) when reminding him to be polite. That also helps with modelling I think.

[Mother of Sons]

Manners are important. Of course everyone has a different opinion of what good manners are like the whole ma'am/sir issue.

I use prompts occassionaly but I think it is much more effective to model good manners. One time another mom asked me how I got my son to be so polite because hers never said please and thank you. I told her that I say please and thank you to him. She told me she'd never say please or thank you to her kids because they are kids and she doesn't have to be polite to them :rolleyes

One other thing I do is point out when other people do courteous things like when someone holds the door open for us at the mall, I always thank them and then I say to the kids "Wasn't that nice of them to hold the door for us? That's very gentlemanly" etc.

[TulipMama]

One other thing I do is point out when other people do courteous things like when someone holds the door open for us at the mall, I always thank them and then I say to the kids "Wasn't that nice of them to hold the door for us? That's very gentlemanly" etc.

Oh, yes! Paying attention to and drawing their attention to others' good manners has made a huge impact on my boys. They learn things so quickly in that context, when they may otherwise forget it with simply Mommy explaining something.