Why do my children behave for my punitive husband and not me?

[SandKsmama]

This is making me *crazy*!!! The only time dh and I have been on the same page as far as discipline goes was when we were doing the Ezzo thing, but now I'm struggling (still a year later ~sigh~) with learning to be a gentle parent, and he is still punitive, though FAR more gentle and slow to spank then he was before.

However, my kids behave so much better for him, *especially* the almost 2 year old! I hate when he has them alone and I get back and he tells me "well, the baby sat in her high chair the *whole time* during dinner and didn't even ask to get up, when I can't get her to sit in her high chair without screaming her head offf. It's stuff like that all the time, and no, he really doesn't punish the 2 year old at all, so I'm confounded. Any ideas?

Amanda, the frustrated

[ArmsOfLove]

It could be that your dh's presence commands respect and exudes authority and you are struggling to figure out how to have authority without punishment. Are you comfortable with your authority? It can also be very normal to (unintentionally!) drop the standard when you drop the punishment. :hug

[TestifyToLove]

We call it the testosterone effect. And, I actually used to see it in preschools as well.

I'm actually far stricter than Dh, but 99% non-punative in my direction. Dh is punative, occasionally spanks but incredibly lenient overall. However, he opens his mouth and children tremble (not out of direct fear that he is going to terrorize or hit them because he rarely does but somehow out of fear of his precense). I open my mouth and children are far more likely to ignore, walk away, argue, disobey, etc. I guess that lends to why he can afford to be so dag-gone lenient and I end up having to be terribly strict most of the time.

I'm NOT unsure in my parenting. In fact, I'm far more confident, assured and consistent in all that I do than DH ever is. I just can't lower my voice to the octave he can. And, something about being a FATHER does something to my children, and most children I know. When a father chooses to take an active role in parenting, children tend to sit up and pay attention more.

When it comes to men and children, I think children naturally listen to fathers and men who have not squandered their natural respect. I don't think you have to be at all inadequate to see the phenomenon with your children.

[TulipMama]

I love how TTL described it as the testosterone effect! *grin*


I know there was a period for me (both before and after gbd) that I needed to reestablish my mommy-authority. Like Crystal said, sometimes when we are uncertain or go through transitions, we become less confident in our mommy-authority. You'll have to think through whether that is the case for you. . .

But like TTL said--it isn't necessarily *you* at all. Just the dynamics of the sexes.

[DebraBaker]

We call it the Deep Voice.

Essentially the testosterone effect.

The kiddos are much better behaved for dh and he is more punitive but is working toward being gentle.

DB

[SandKsmama]

Thanks for the answers - I think it's probably a combo of both the testosterone effect LOL ( I like that!) and that I'm unsure what authority without punishment even looks like, if that makes sense. I only know one person in real life who uses GBD, but I haven't seen her in a long time. I certainly never ever experienced it in my own family/church etc. How does one learn something like that?

Amanda

[ArmsOfLove]

trial and error sometimes

it takes awhile to find the balance--come hang out in GD :)