Letting a Toddler Cry

[Maggie]

I guess Elizabeth Pantley has a new book out, The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0071444912/littleflockso-20). One of the reviewers on Amazon said that she has a 16-month-old daughter and that one thing that helped her the most from Pantley's new book was the idea that letting a toddler or preschooler cry was not the same thing as letting a baby cry. While I agree with this in certain circumstances because the child can't always be happy with the decision, I think a 16-month-old should not be left to cry for 5-10 minutes at night, even after a 1.5 hour nighttime routine. The baby obviously still has a need for the mom's presence and needs to be parented to sleep.

So, what do you guys think about this?

I have not read Pantley's new book, so I'm not sure how she addresses the issue, but I just had these thoughts while I read the reviews.

[Oliveshoots]

I *personally* would not even begin to think of training ds to go to sleep without me until he's at least 2 y.o. (which is soon), but most likely we will wait until he's closer to 3 to try that (maybe even 4, 5, at least by the time he's old enough to go to camp or sleepovers ;) ). And even then, I say if it is a "I'm mad that I can't play anymore" cry, I would be more willing to let him cry....but if it's a "I'm scared/lonely/want to cuddle to sleep/i need you" cry, then I'm not willing to let him cry at any age.

However, i would not look disparagingly (sp?) upon a parent who let an 18+ m.o. cry, as long as it wasn't causing any kind of emotional trauma, and as long as it eventually helped the child go to sleep on their own. (And within reason as far as duration, severity, how many nights it goes on, etc.)

My opinion may be viewed as a bit more permissive, but then again, it's not one of my main goals for my son to go to sleep on his own anytime during toddlerhood or preschoolhood. His daddy and I love to lay there with him (one or both of us) and cuddle, giggle, say our prayers, sing, rub his back, etc. So I'm probably biased here.

But I would say, if a parent really feels strongly about it, and really needs for that child to go to sleep on their own, a little bit of resistant crying would not be the same to me as CIO. 16 months is still so close to being a baby, I *personally* (again, this is just my preference) would wait until 18 - 21 mos to do any kind of methods to get them to sleep on their own.

Just my op though!! :-) But yeah, basically, I agree with what you said. :D

[Maggie]

but if it's a "I'm scared/lonely/want to cuddle to sleep/i need you" cry, then I'm not willing to let him cry at any age.
:tu ITA! I would always be willing to address the emotion behind the cry, which would usually involve going to them and comforting them. I would not be willing to let my child cry from sadness or loneliness without comfort! :cry

[Gretchen]

I haven't read the book, but I just read the review. From that, it wasn't clear to me that the mother left the room while the child was crying. I have read Pantley's No-Cry book for babies (and e-mailed her frequently while she was finishing that book) and I would be surprised if she advocated the parent leaving the room.

I know in our case that I was so opposed to him crying at all at sleep times that I did a lot of things that were permissive. I did eventually night wean (which involved a lot of in-arms crying) and while it was really, really difficult, in retrospect I wish I had done it much sooner than I did.

Gretchen

[MarynMunchkins]

I actually have no problem with Colin crying, but I don't let him cry alone. :shrug

[Irene]

well as we all know ;) Im a bit more of a sap, but I still dont think Im permissive ;) I would be really surprised to if Elizabeth suggested to leave the room :shrug

My ds is almost 16 months and I cannot imagine leaving the room and letting him cry :cry However, he cries every single night at bed time because dh rocks him and ds gets angry about it. I have tried and tried to nurse him to sleep at night and lay down with him and all this other stuff but I find myself getting way way too frustrated :banghead with him and I just cant have those feelings anymore, its just too hard on everyone. SO, I come to GCM, and dh rocks him and he cries for like 5 minutes and passes out ;)

and my ds wont lay down either, we would have to lay on him or something to get him to "lay down and pat his back" or something :rolleyes

I just think think there is a big difference with in arms crying and having boundaries than just leaving the room and letting them work it out... 16 months is so young I cant imagine they are going "oh, ok I guess I need to go to sleep now" :shrug

[Maggie]

I just think think there is a big difference with in arms crying and having boundaries than just leaving the room and letting them work it out
ITA with this. I think I do tend to be permissive in some areas, but as far as the sleeping and crying goes, I think my boundaries are just a little different (wider) than others and if it works out for us, I don't think it's permissive. :) I guess every parent just has to do what they feel is right in the situation. The most important thing is having compassion for your child and respecting his or her feelings, I would say.

[DogwoodMama]

:nak I have the book... she still promotes "no-cry" overall & I believe was talking about limited occassions of the "I'm mad, I'm frusrtated" cry... but doesn't advocate CIO of course! :eek

[Maggie]

That's good! I didn't think she would. :tu I just thought 16 months sounded so young to be crying like that and I guess I assumed it was alone, but I could very well be wrong.

[Soliloquy]

My DD is 16 months and I would never let her cry under any circumstances. She can't even talk yet, so how can I know for sure why she's crying? Thankfully, we're nursing and that's how she falls alseep every night, so no crying is needed. I plan on letting her nurse herself to sleep and co-sleep for as long as she likes it.

[DogwoodMama]

My DD is 16 months and I would never let her cry under any circumstances. She can't even talk yet, so how can I know for sure why she's crying? Thankfully, we're nursing and that's how she falls alseep every night, so no crying is needed. I plan on letting her nurse herself to sleep and co-sleep for as long as she likes it.

:nak :clap :tu

[Maggie]

My DD is 16 months and I would never let her cry under any circumstances. She can't even talk yet, so how can I know for sure why she's crying? Thankfully, we're nursing and that's how she falls alseep every night, so no crying is needed. I plan on letting her nurse herself to sleep and co-sleep for as long as she likes it.

:nak :clap :tu

Ditto!!! :tu :mrgreen

[Irene]

thats awesome Lisa! that was my original plan too until he stopped nursing to sleep in the evenings!!! I dont know why he did that.. .terribly frustrating :( but its good daddy bonding time I guess :)

I can also understand why some would feel the need to not nurse to sleep in the evenings though because I know with my dd she could only sleep attached and would wake screaming every 45 minutes to an hour to nurse again- it was exhausting to say the least... but we gently got her to stop and it got somewhat better. I dunno, like Maggie said every family is different and has different needs :)

[DogwoodMama]

((((((Irene))))))

Just wanted to add that my dd usually nurses to a "sleepy" state, then goes to sleep without nursing at night... but for naps, she still nurses almost constantly, like right now. :O

[Maggie]

Irene, I support your decision! If things were different with Katie and me, I don't know how my decisions would be affected, but I know that you and other moms who do similar things are very caring and loving and compassionate! :heart

[Soliloquy]

Irene--that must've been hard when he stopped nursing to sleep. I went back and read what you guys do, and IMO, if a parent is holding the child and comforting, that's not being "left to cry." I hope I didn't offend!

[doubleblessings]

thats awesome Lisa! that was my original plan too until he stopped nursing to sleep in the evenings!!! I dont know why he did that.. .terribly frustrating :( but its good daddy bonding time I guess :)

I can also understand why some would feel the need to not nurse to sleep in the evenings though because I know with my dd she could only sleep attached and would wake screaming every 45 minutes to an hour to nurse again- it was exhausting to say the least... but we gently got her to stop and it got somewhat better. I dunno, like Maggie said every family is different and has different needs :)


We have let Daddy rock one of the babies while they cried to sleep a few times. It is not a regular occurance, but there have been a few nights when I just could not handle two babies attached but not eating and they would wake and cry everytime I took them off. I know it is not ideal, but I think it is different than CIO.

[Irene]

oh no Im not offended at all! I just like to give different perspectives :)

[Soliloquy]

:hug :D