Kind of a spinoff from APMama's thread...

[4blessings]

Her post about feeling unattached to her older children due to Pearl parenting made me think about posting this.

I've lurked off and on a punitive board. I can't stand it and always feel like :banghead when I read there. A while ago I gave it up b/c my heart broke for the children when I would read the things people were doing to their children. For some stupid reason I started reading there again recently. I noticed last week that I had gradually gotten more punitive with my children. Not spanking, but threatening a lot. But most troublesome was that I found myself getting annoyed at my children (esp. my youngest, most challenging child) more and more. Everything they did annoyed me. The more annoyed I became, the worse their behavior got. It was like a viscious cycle. I quit reading there and after a few days, we were back to normal. What's up with that? Any thoughts?

[purplerose]

It's probably similar to the peer pressure thing. When you hang around people who are doing certain things, you get influenced and just find yourself doing what they are doing. That's why I LOVE :heart this board. When I'm around people who are good and a lot like me, I find myself being more Gentle and loving, less disciplinary. Just like the more I go to church, pray daily, read scriptures daily, don't want c**p on tv, I find I am much more in tune to the Spirit! I am "arming myself with the Gospel of Jesus Christ" and it keeps the bad spirits *Satan* away!!!!! :tu Just like when me and DH forget to pray together, we don't relate to each other as well :sad2 . Just my two cents! STAY AWAY FROM THAT BOARD!!! Also, I used to post on another parenting board and it was very similar and it just make me sick!!!!! :sick2 So I left and I only post here now! I don't even find myself "lurking" there anymore because I just can't stand what I hear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[gratefulmama]

I know what you are talking about, I think when we read negative stuff, we feel more negative, I totally felt frustrated with my ds and very negative towards him after I read Babywise and then later after looking at the What to Expect the Toddler Years :shrug

I would just stay away from that negative stuff :)

[ArmsOfLove]

I found myself being punitive when I was reading and praying through "The Power of a Praying Parent" :eek I can imagine it would be great for parents of older kids, especially if they are having problems, but it assumes such horrible things about children :(

[APMamaX4]

Oh, it makes perfect sense, and I think I as much as said so in one of my posts...about how if you are doing all well and good with PD and life is great, but then you start lurking at "that board" it's wierd--you are so sickened :sick while reading the board, feeling so sorry for the kids (BABIES) being spanked and your heard just breaks for them :bheart But then, you come away from the board and somehow that adverserial, negative outlook of kids creeps into your mind! Suddenly you are subconsciously thinking about first time obedience, and how "he's not listening to me!!! Why won't he just do what I told him to do?! Why won't she stop her fit immediately?? These heathen children!" LOL!!! I don't read there anymore, nor any other punitive sites. I ONLY read this message board, and only read PD books. I have (for the most part but not 100%) conquered that aspect....meaning, most times it doesn't occur to me to spank. BUT clearly we have some re-attaching to do (the older kids and I) so I certainly don't need any garbage standing in the way. I am only on PD lists (Crystals and the PPD one), only read this msg board, and only have PD books in my home that I read (currently in Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline). It's a good thing :grin

[4blessings]

But then, you come away from the board and somehow that adverserial, negative outlook of kids creeps into your mind!

Yep, that's exactly it! I find it so strange b/c I'm not coming from the perspective of someone who has parented in the Pearl style and is trying to break free of it, yet my parenting is still negatively affected when I read that garbage. It's totally on a subconscious level, but you're right...I do come away seeing my children in a negative, adversarial way. :( I can't imagine how the parents who intentionally parent that way must feel about their children They're always being told that children have no rights, are trying to manipulate them in everything they do, etc. :bheart I know they truly believe they're doing what's best for their children, which makes it really sad somehow. I feel badly that they're so misguided.

BTW, sort of a tangent but do you think the people who teach that kind of parenting bear more responsibility for the mistreatment of the children than the parents who buy into it? Biblically speaking, isn't someone who holds him/herself up as an expert on biblical issues and teaches that to people accountable for that? Am I making sense?

[TulipMama]

BTW, sort of a tangent but do you think the people who teach that kind of parenting bear more responsibility for the mistreatment of the children than the parents who buy into it? Biblically speaking, isn't someone who holds him/herself up as an expert on biblical issues and teaches that to people accountable for that? Am I making sense?

I believe so.

And I believe that there is a lot of well-intentioned child abuse in the church. By well-intentioned child abuse, I mean actions that were a Christian punitive parent to look into a sound-proof room, even they would judge it abuse--but if they "heard" what the parent was saying, they may dismiss it as "child training." Or actions a Christian punitive parent would consider abuse if done by a non-Christian. (But again, may dismiss as "child training" were it done by a Christian.)

At the very least, I believe that there are a lot of teachers that have desensitized parents to what is harmful to children. In general, I think there are many teachings and teachers that advocate behaviours that are harmful for children and families, even if it would not merit the "abuse" title. I believe that these things have prevented pastors and elders from speaking up for children who are being harmed by their parents. That the "least of these" are not being protected as they ought to be by the Church.

And, at the worst, I believe that these teachings lead to abuse--both well-intentioned and also reactionary, angry abuse.

Rebecca Prewett has written a really good article that ANY person who gives parenting advice, but especially teachers who are punitive minded should read: Avoiding Millstones (http://www.fix.net/~rprewett/millstones.html).

[Jemma2]

And I find it strange that somehow as Christian parents, we're supposed to be harsher with our children, punishing for every infraction of the rules. How many rules of God's do we break every single day? I don't see fire and brimstone raining down on us. I see love, mercy, and guidance. Why because I'm a Christian should my children live with the fear of what will happen if they do wrong? I love this site, because the people here parent with grace and gentleness, but without being permissive. I love it that you set standards of behaviour and boundaries, yet enforce them with mercy and grace. Other AP sites I think are very permissive. Thank you for this site!!!

[flowermama]

I, too, find myself being more punitive when I read punitive things, even though I believe so fully that God wants me to offer grace to my little ones.

Thank you for including that link, Alexandra. Rebecca Prewett is such a wise, godly mama!

:hug to all the mamas reading this thread -- those from this board and the other... my apologies for not seeing it sooner. :heart :pray