What can I do when I get angry?

[tui_song]

I can be calm all day with my dd and then suddenly explode, and I usually end up yelling at her and sometimes taking her to her room or hitting her. I am so ashamed. :cry I did this today. :cry

The doctor has suggested I go on medication to help me with my anger problem. I asked him about anger management classes or something similar, and he said that it didn't help so much with sudden rage. I am already on anti-depressants and they have reduced the rage a lot but sometimes it still rears its hideous head.

I was wondering if anyone else here has/had a similar problem and has found effective ways of dealing with it? If you prefer to pm me that is okay. I know I need to change. My poor dd gets very upset when I yell at her. She is very sensitive and tender-hearted.

I should say that most of the time I get angry because she is doing something to the baby. She loves him, and wants to play with him whenever he is awake, which is good. However she pulls him around, stands on him, takes away his toys, holds him too tight etc. It bothers me a lot. I am concerned that I may jeopardise their relationship if I am too protective of him (probably another issue altogether).

My background is that I was raised by Christian parents who were loving but used punitive methods of discipline. My father has anger problems. I used Babywise when my dd was a baby, but have recognised the worth of the ap philosophy and am trying to put it into practice in our family.

[Katherine]

(((((Tui)))))

I am definitely not the expert on this topic.. :/ But I have had the experience of discovering my own anger issues after I had kids, and dh has issues with rage like you've described, so I can relate in that sense.

What kind of medicine does your doctor want to put you on? Have you tried counseling/therapy to deal with some of this? Is it hormone related?

I was raised by loving, Christian parents who were punitive, too. It's a bit strange and somewhat emotional to start recognizing the ways it has affected me, and challenging not to project those same things onto my boys.

I am glad you are here and hope we can be an encouragement to you. Just the fact that you are trying to implement gentle discipline is a GREAT thing. It's a process, and we all fail, but we just keep trying. :hug Also, when you start out with something like Babywise or the Pearl you have to work not only to *learn* gentle, AP approaches, but to break free of the old ideas and habits. A lot of Moms here have been through that "detoxing" process.

Regarding the anger: I have to give MYself breaks when I feel the frustration building, or just consciously choose not to touch ds when I know I'm furious... even if it means walking away and not addressing the issue at hand. Better to let something go than to handle it with violence. I don't always do this successfully.. I've had to "recover" from punitive parenting, and there have been times I have just lost it and popped one of my boys before I reigned myself in. :cry :blush Those times have gotten more and more rare... but it really took a lot of time and work.

Regarding protecting the baby: Keeping the baby in physically protected situations (like in a sling/carrier, swing, bassinet) might help and making a concerted effort to keep your older dd involved in specific activities throughout the day might help with it. I would also work with her on ways she *can* connect with and touch the baby. If you can teach her the correct (safe) things to do, it might just take a reminder to change her gears when she's getting too rough. "Use gentle hands and touch the baby's leg" or something like that...

Hope some other Moms will add their experiences as well. Know that we are all here for you, and try to take things one day (or one incident) at a time. :grouphug

[ShangriLewis]

I've had to learn that my rages and anger comes from triggers that I just didn't notice. :rolleyes

I had to make myself notice them. It's meant giving up alot of stuff..like not reading so much, not using the computer for months at a time. I had to spend a lot of time focusing on the situation that made me rage and learning what it felt like. I thought it was sudden but it does start somewhere. There is the point where you start to get angry and you have to stop it before then. Then you must relearn how you are going to handle those situations. You may need to start a journal.

I think anger management and counseling could help you immensely! Exercise is another wonderful thing that can help.

I, also, had to find ways to reconnect with my children. Especially the first one because I did NOT connect with him like I did the other two. It was when I was pregnant with my second that I found attachment parenting. I needed to learn to ask for alot of help and set up boundaries with dangerous people. Anyone who has endangered me in getting to my goal. (And, if you saw my previous post you will see that I've finally made it.)

It's a hard journey, but it is one worth taking. I think you need to be very real with yourself. How supportive is your spouse? I had to learn to rely on my dh. To tell him that I can't handle certain situations. To admit to him that I was angry and what I did was wrong.

I personally think, my anger is because no one ever taught me what a comfort corner was. No one taught me when it was ok to be upset or how to be upset without hurting someone or something. No one empathized with me. No one taught me how to say I'm angry. No one taught me that angry is totally natural. No one helped me learn these things. Helping my oldest deal with his big emotions has really helped me. It's helped me see that children act that way and adults should help them. Since, I didn't get that help I never learned and I had to go back and be a 6 year old girl and work my way up to where I should have been as an adult. That may not be you, though. But, that is where the counseling may help.

Your in my prayers. I know it's hard. If you ask for help you feel like a horrible person and if you don't ask for help you feel like you are one.
Heather

[tui_song]

thank you for your replies and for your honesty.
Heather, what you said about giving up stuff strikes a chord - I love reading and tend to try to escape from my surroundings through reading. I get angry when my dd disturbs that. Like you I have bonded/connected much better to my ds partly because of ap, but even before I found ap I felt more connected to him.
I am looking for a counsellor and will bring this up with her. Like you said, maybe I need to go back and learnt what I should have as a child.
What kind of medicine does your doctor want to put you on? Have you tried counseling/therapy to deal with some of this? Is it hormone related?
I'm not sure what it was. I don't think it's hormone related as I have had problems with anger all my life.
I did think today after I calmed down that I would have been better off putting the baby in the sling and taking dd for a walk, as soon as I started getting edgy with her when she was playing with baby. Maybe the edginess is the signal I need to look for to avoid sudden anger.
Anyway, I need to go to bed as it's getting late here. Thanks for your prayers too. :)

[ShangriLewis]

Yes that's it. Just go for a walk next time. I've been known to grab some snacks or pick up a few burritos and hit the beach. Anything to just get change of scenery and a new start for the day.

Heather

[Katherine]

Heather,

What a wonderful, thought-provoking post! Thank you so much for sharing your experience on this.

I was also really struck by what you said about learning to notice the triggers and then stopping them before the anger starts... and also about not being allowed to "feel" anger or not being taught to honestly identify it growing up. Sadly, that is reality in many punitive Christian homes. When we as children feel anger, it is equated with sin and therefore punished.

:think I remember getting so angry once in Jr. high school b/c of the was some kids at school were treating my sister. I was talking to my Mom about it, and I just started sobbing and slapped the kitchen floor b/c I was so incensed and yet so helpless. It scared ME, b/c I had never experienced that kind of rage over something before, and my Mom reprimanded me for displaying my anger. :cry I was really surprised and hurt b/c I wasn't aiming it at her (e.g. being disrespectful). Thinking back, I guess it scared her, too. She didn't know how to deal with feelings like that, and b/c it wasn't pretty, she figured it must be wrong. :/ The church propogates that type of thinking too often, thus creating boundaryless, approval-seeking kids who are emotional handicapped. :bheart

Your thoughts really touched me. Thank you.

[LAS]

Yes, I find your post extremely helpful too, Heather!

For me, I get angry and explode when I am under lots of stress. When I've been with the kids without a break and am getting burn-out. Also when I'm tired- it's hard to be patient on too little sleep.

I can also really identify with the trying to escape through reading, internet, and then having little patience for interruptions by my DD.

This is a great thread- I hope Heather and others will share more great ideas!

[Irene]

great thread! I agree with recognizing triggers.. thats huge for me. Also, what you were saying about "escaping" I do that with reading and also tv :blush :blush and I find myself getting angrier and angrier because I want a break and its not working. :(

What palil said too about recognizing and feeling your anger- I have been reading Easy to love difficult to discipline and she talks about that.. what an eye opener! Its like growing up we were never allowed to feel our anger or something, and for some reason now its turned into rage :cry :think anyway... I deal with a lot of those same feelings.

(also as you may know, my hormones and andrenals were all out of whack too, and since getting that under control, its been TONS better ;))

[apbfmom]

Thank you for posting. I've been dealing with rage ever since my daughter was born. I know that I am more likely to fly off the handle when I'm tired, hungry, or trying to get something done. I've tried many methods of dealing with this, and sometimes they work. I'm still learning how to deal with these emotions, and like the previous poster, I was never really taught how to deal with these *bad* feelings. It is a hard road.

The thing that scared me most was when I slapped my daughter on the leg after she bit my finger. I didn't even think, it just was a natural reaction, and knowing that my first instinct was to hit really scared me.

You are not alone. I struggle everyday.

Lara

[Close2MyHeart]

>>>I had to make myself notice them. It's meant giving up alot of stuff..like not reading so much, not using the computer for months at a time. I had to spend a lot of time focusing on the situation that made me rage and learning what it felt like. I thought it was sudden but it does start somewhere. There is the point where you start to get angry and you have to stop it before then. Then you must relearn how you are going to handle those situations. You may need to start a journal. <<<<

I have had similar things what you mentioned. I found that giving up stuff like Heather as well as journaling has helped me a lot. I will be praying for you!

[MarynMunchkins]

I have anger issues too. (Obviously...see my post below...;) )

I've actually found that a BIG deal for me is making sure that I eat. The days I really lose it are the ones where I skip breakfast. :blush A granola bar can honestly affect the course of a day.

My parents didn't teach any of their kids to express emotions, and it usually ended up with parents and kids screaming at each other, or a kid crying alone in their room. :( I still have a really hard giving myself the right to be angry without screaming or :hissyfit myself. But I'm working on it, and my kids are too. :heart And it really is getting better! :tu

[ShangriLewis]

I imagine it must be really hard to deal with these feelings when you have been taught they are sinful and bad all the time. When I was growing up it was just normal, sadly. I know I haven't shared much about these feelings in the past. But, I've gotten to the point where I think I'm ready to be more of a counselor or Titus 2 woman in that area. I'm not ashamed of it anymore and I hope that in sharing anything I've been through that I will help someone else who has to grow through this.

So, please keep sharing.

Heather

[Irene]

yes on the breakfast!!!! I definitly notice a big difference. even i eat a late breakfast, it throws me off and Im grumpy and irritable and get worse if I dont eat first thing... PROTEIN is key!!

[bliss]

seconds on the uncontrollable anger, seconds on the breakfast, and seconds on the punitive household where the acceptable emotions are: happy or happier! And if you're not happy with that, you can go to your room! Something I realized when I got REALLY :mad :hissyfit :mad today over the most dumbass thing (dd couldn't find her shoes right in front of her face) and I start flipping out and screaming . . .later I was thinking, "you know, the things I was saying to her are my own internal dialogue when I can't do something." I have a huge problem with self-deprication, and if you'd ask me, do I want to project that on my 6 year old and make her hate herself as much as I hate myself, I'd say of course not, but then here I am projecting that language onto her! There are no mistakes with me, no little problems. Everything is a huge deal, so I have to just leave it totally alone. It's very all or nothing to where I'm either going to leave the room, or throw her shoes at her head as hard as I can while screaming at her that she's a moron because they were right there. So I know that's not a whole bag full of tools or anything, but the only thing that I have been able to use as a management tool is just to leave the situation. Hopefully others will have better ideas. I know how you're feeling tho.

[ShangriLewis]

Everything is a huge deal, so I have to just leave it totally alone. It's very all or nothing to where I'm either going to leave the room, or throw her shoes at her head as hard as I can while screaming at her that she's a moron because they were right there. So I know that's not a whole bag full of tools or anything, but the only thing that I have been able to use as a management tool is just to leave the situation. Hopefully others will have better ideas. I know how you're feeling tho.


It sounds like you have found out the problem. Not it's time to figure out how to solve it. That's your next step. I remember asking questions on this board and the AP list and printing it out and posting it to the fridge. Then I would get that problem down and moved to the next one. Quite a process, but it works. I'm now at the point where I can work on the new problems that arise instead of everything driving me crazy. Does the shoe thing happen often? If it does make a place where shoes go. That might mean making a 10 minute time everyday to do a shoe drill.

SHOE DRILL and then you and your child/ren pick up all the shoes and put them in their spot, by the door or in a basket. It will become a habit and then you can stop the drill thing.

Heather

[bliss]

that's the thing, there is a basket for all the shoes, and I've been telling her to put her shoes in there for about 8 months. That is just one little thing though, there are way bigger issues, it's just one of the million little "get under my skin" things.

[tui_song]

Wow. It is amazing reading this thread. Here I have been all this time thinking I was one of the world's worst mothers and everybody else had it all together... Not that I'm glad you are all having/had problems with rage but it is a big help to me to know that this is more common than people usually admit.

Yesterday I was thinking about this topic, and I realised that I have not been separating my daughter's behaviour from WHO she is. I get angry at her, not just about what she is doing. I tend to become full of horrible feelings about her. :( Anyway, since I realised that I have been consciously saying, for example, 'this is tiresome behaviour', even if I'm just talking to myself or dh, rather than coming out with 'I'm fed up with her!' or whatever negative comment I would usually make.

And, yup, breakfast is vital!

[shilohmm]

One thing that helped us is Ross Campbell's "Ladder of Anger" - it's a way of training yourself to express your anger in a Christian way. A lot of Christian parenting authors are basically training kids to suppress their anger - which means they end up either expressing it through passive-aggressive behavior, or exploding without warning. In both cases what has happened is that the person has learned to not "see" their own anger - until it overwhelms them in the case of those who rage, or not at all in the case of passive-aggressive actions. Learning to recognize your own anger is the first step; learning how to express it is the next.

The goal on Campbell's "ladder" is anger that is expressed in a fairly pleasant manner, seeking resolution (rather than dictating terms); anger that stays focused on the source (one of the problems with explosive anger is that the "trigger" may have nothing to do with what really bothers you, so dealing with the trigger doesn't solve the problem); thinking logically within the anger; and holding to primary complaint (not dredging up everything else that person has done that drives you crazy). :)

Part of the problem when you're raised to bury anger instead of express it is learning to express it in a halethy way - because if you're raised that way, you haven't seen anger expressed well! :( My mom would pretend she wasn't angry (even when screaming at us! - the "I'm not shouting" thing), while my dad would explode (yelling, not hitting, or bashing around inanimate objects - he wasn't violent but that isn't a good way to handle anger anyhow).

:idea Jeff VanVonderen says that what we get angry about shows us what really matters to us. I've found it helpful sometimes to ask my self why I'm getting angry - what's threatened? - and sometimes I realize that what set me off is not really something that matters to me at all; I'm just reflecting how my parents acted without even thinking it through. I don't honestly care about some things, for myself, but I was taught that they're "important" so I'm upset that I'm failing my parents or something. One problem with hidden anger is that it isn't rational - it's reactionary. Sometimes I can calm myself by just realizing that what's happening is not a threat and resting in Christ's acceptance rather than worrying that my kids make me look bad or whatever. Asking "What's threatened?" helps me to get a bit of distance, I think.

Good luck to all of us who struggle with anger. :grouphug

Sheryl

[LoveToReadMommy]

You've gotten a lot of great responses, I just wanted to quickly add that SUGAR is a huge trigger for me. I've been battling an addiction to it for years, :banghead and let me tell you, I am like Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde when I go back on it. I used to take anti-depressants, but figured out sugar was the culprit for me.
:sick :sick :sick

Not that I never get angry anymore, but I rage much much less, and I think clearer and feel better. :D

(I don't mean the natural sugar in apples, juices, or maple syrup. I mean refined white sugar, corn syrup, the junky stuff.)

Just another thought. HTH :)

[Katherine]

I just wanted to quickly add that SUGAR is a huge trigger for me. I've been battling an addiction to it for years, and let me tell you, I am like Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde when I go back on it. I used to take anti-depressants, but figured out sugar was the culprit for me.

Hmmmm... :think :idea This is a very interesting thought. We are transitioning to vegan and probably a lot of raw foods. We've cut down on sugar and dh is thinking we should try to eliminate it totally. :shifty EEK! I don't know if I can handle it... I'm pretty fond of sugar myself. :blush (and I find myself drawn to it when I'm stressed, which I know just perpetuates the cycle of feeling bad)

And Shilohmm,

What you said about suppressing anger is so deeply true of the community where we grew up... maybe even true of the conservative Christian community as a whole. Isn't it sad that churches twist God's Word in order to effectively put a ban on the ugly or difficult things they don't want to deal? (feeling and especially expressing anger was considered WRONG, unless of course it was directed at some heathen sinner or anyone who dared to challenge the authority of church leaders) :rolleyes Just makes me sad.

[mrsramjet]

so helpful and hopeful all of this.
thank you..
feeling so grateful
:hearts

[TulipMama]

Oooh! What Sheryl said!

Ross Campbell's "Ladder of Anger" is found in the book Relational Parenting (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0802463932/qid=1111944649/sr=8-1/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i1_xgl14/103-6552668-3379827?v=glance&s=books&n=507846). He considers teaching children about anger one of the four key things we need to pass along to our children. I really got a lot out of his anger chapters.


Jeff VanVonderen says that what we get angry about shows us what really matters to us.

This idea was also very helpful for me, but with a different spin than Sheryl shared. It helped me see that some of my anger was okay--it was showing me what was important to me. My initial reaction might be all out of proportion, but when I stop and ask, "What is important to me that is being threatened?" it helped me identify those important things--and then treat them as important.

Just today, my 8 year old was really having a hard time. Angry. Stomping. Not really understanding what was going on. (We're in the middle of a move, and I know a LOT is going on. . .) Anyway, instead of just reflecting his feelings, I was able to say, "You're really angry right now. You're angry because it is important to you that things are doing justly. This doesn't feel fair, does it?" He agreed, and we were able to address things from there.

While this is a simple example, it's the first that springs to mind. And what I said to him is a lot like the self-talk that I've been practicing since accepting anger as a good barometer of my values that I may not recognize.

[This Busy Mom]

One thing that helped us is Ross Campbell's "Ladder of Anger" - it's a way of training yourself to express your anger in a Christian way.

I have Ross Cambell's book Kids in Danger (disarming the destructive power of anger in your child). I am waiting anxiously to start it... it's directed towards children, but if it helps them, why wouldn't it help us parents? I also read Chapman's The Other Side of Love (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0802467776/104-2671102-1975131) (handling anger in a godly way) and it helped me a lot... my church is now doing a Sunday school class on it.

christa

[Allison]

This is my story, also. First, I had PPD, so I took Zoloft and am now weaning and almost off it completely. I am very, very aware of my tolerance level every single day. My struggle time is during PMS. Yelling is my way of expressing my anger.
When something has made me angry, I force myself to stop and not react right then. I force myself to be calm and speak slowly and sweetly. Sometimes it sounds strained and probably comical, but I dont' care as long as I stay calm. I explain that I'm angry and I say why. We deal with the problem. It has stopped being an issue that I can't control, but it has taken me over a year to get there. Now that I'm finally here I still have bad days, but with lots and lots of prayer and lots of self-awareness and practice, I'm finally getting it.

[mrsramjet]

wow, good on you, allison. what a great effort. :tu

[missythemom]

I feel for you so much.I have to say first off that i haven't read any replies yet but i felt the need to respond.so please forgive me if i repeat anything that has already been posted or if what i am saying doesn't fully apply.I have had issues with sudden mood changes for a long time.it wasn't until recently that i tried a more active approach rather that trying to analyze my own way of thinking.I looked moreinto my environment and how that may be affecting my many moods.as it turns out i had to change by birthcontrol pill to the lowest dose possible (not the mini pill) and started then, after i noticed a drastic change for the better, to start looking into the foods i was eating and drinking,and the various chemicals that are around my house.many artificial ingredients and sugar can cause mood swings and for me they have been known to send my moods for a loop,lol.so anyway,i have made changes to my diet,more natural foods,less sugar,less caffieen(sp),fewer artificial sweeteners,ect. and also turned off the vast amount of backround noise here as we have been known to have the tv a radio and the kids all playing without paying attention to the tv or radio all at once,i think that alone would drive anyone batty,lol.i guess what i am trying to say is that if you are on any form of birthcontrol,talk to your doctor about if maybe that might be a part of your problem and then perhaps get a lower dose, and try to create as much peace in your home as possible.i know thatis hard as i am a child care provider and have kids around playing and noisy all day so you may need to get creative.when my daughters are really trying my nerves i sometimes just tell them "mommy is angry i need a little break" and then sit for a few minutes.i don't have a cuddle corner yet so i just sit in a living room chair or go into the bathroom for a few minutes and take i minute to regroup.deep breaths help and my all time favorite (and my daughters too) even though you may not feel like being silly when you are mad is too wiggle your grumpies away.just stand in one spot and start wiggling your toes then your knees and work all the way up to your head and usually by the time i get to my hips i am feeling much better.(ok so i am a dork big deal,lol) ;)just some suggestions i am sorry if i didn't help at all but i just thought i'd try.God bless.

[tui_song]

Thanks so much for the ideas. I have been doing a bit better lately, mainly by recognising when I am starting to get mad and removing myself from the situation if necessary. Also I have gone for quite a few walks with the children at the 'arsenic hour' at the end of the day before dh comes home! Sometimes sanity is more important than having dinner ready.
I'm not on birth control, but have wondered if my diet might be affecting things. I have been eating too much chocolate lately.
Must try the wiggle idea too! Will probably get my dd laughing if nothing else. :)

[ShangriLewis]

That's so awesome. I'm so happy that you are doing better. Now keep up the good work and don't be afraid to come here for :grouphug

Heather