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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing. A public forum. Before posting here, please read this sticky and keep guideline 23 in mind:
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10-09-2020, 07:21 AM | #1 |
Rose Bouquet
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 831
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Conversations about sleep training
I had an experience recently that was a little difficult and I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with follow up.
Dh and I are part of an intentional community meant for people planning to move overseas for disciple-making purposes. It's part of a larger organization, and last month we had a socially distanced training conference together with the other groups from this organization in our city. We are older than most of the people in the organization including the vast majority of the leadership. At this event we were getting to know one of the leaders of one of the other groups who just had a baby. The baby was 8 weeks at that time. He shared that he and his wife had paid for some type of training or program of some kind that was going to help them sleep train their baby and that the goal was for the baby to sleep one hour at night per week of age, until at 12 weeks the baby would sleep 12 hours at night. I was pretty flabbergasted. The group activities were resuming and I just am not good at responding to things in the moment so I didn't really say anything at the time. I was very unsettled by what this young dad shared. I went back and forth a lot about whether I should say something. Ultimately I felt like I should say something since it felt like the program he described wasn't just something I disagreed with but could be medically dangerous (I would not have said anything if baby was 7 months, even though I still wouldn't have liked it, but this just was so extreme). So I tried to casually get into conversation with the parents again, but that never happened and I ended up just blurting my concerns out to them at the very end of the event as everyone was leaving. It was really unsatisfying. I kind of figured I would never see them again so I would just pray for them. However, it turns out we might see them again this weekend. So, how would you approach this family? Should I try to have more of a conversation? Just leave it alone? I'm not sure what to do.
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Karen Wifey to the Husby 9/6/2006 Mama to The Littlest Man in all the Land 5/31/2012 and The Littlest Girl in all the World 1/28/2016 Counseling is like cleaning out your fridge. Mostly it's rearranging things so they make more sense. Now and then you come across some really nasty thing that's been stuck in the back way too long. |
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10-09-2020, 08:04 PM | #2 |
Rose Trellis
Soli deo Gloria
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Amidst Tourists and Temples
Posts: 3,139
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Re: Conversations about sleep training
That's really really hard. I hoenstly have no idea but I couldn't not reply. Praying God will grant you wisdom.
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arelyn World traveling mama to my star my sunshine and the monsoon baby Wife to my crazy ethnomusicologist
This road that we travel, may it be the straight and narrow. God give us peace and grace from you all the day through. |
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10-10-2020, 07:12 AM | #3 |
Rose Garden
Our Family
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 5,047
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Re: Conversations about sleep training
I also don't know but couldn't just read and run. I'm sorry, that's tough. Do you think you could possibly frame it in a way of being concerned for the safety of the program, without saying anything bad about sleep training? There are programs that work with babies to sleep and they're called sleep training but they're not CIO one-size-fits-all, maybe you could find one and suggest that one. It is so unfortunate that this is so prevalent in the church. We shouldn't be a people that needs such control over our children. I think there's a subset of believers who are hurt and their hurt comes out in ultra-devotion to ministry. I've seen it a lot, this idea that true ministry or service comes at great cost to your own family. Then you get people like this who see their baby as getting in the way of their work. Or people who leave their families to go serve somewhere else or this idea that in order to be an effective minister your children need to be in boarding school. It's really sad.
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Mary K
wife to Daniel for 16 years mom to 13 year old the Girl and 11 year old the Boy and 8 year old Tiny Almost always posting from my phone. |
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10-10-2020, 08:56 AM | #4 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 16,748
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Re: Conversations about sleep training
I think I'd apologize and explain why I was triggered.
I'm so sorry. Sleep is so important. I hope you find the perfect balance between sleep needs and dietary needs. Babies double weight in first six months. Teething sometimes alters sleep. As a Titus 2 mom, I want you to know I'm available if you need support when things inevitably come up. Young House Love blogger story. First kid slept 12 hours from birth and nusred every two hours in day. 2nd kid was normal. I wanted to honor sleep needs with my 3rd, and she did sleep better. First all night was 5 months. I agree that 3 months is likely too quickly for most, but some do. But here's the thing, you were there, and you know if the Holy Spirit was prompting you. He knows way more than I do! So my advice could be totally off for the situation.
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ENFp Wife who is thankful to be in love....17 years Homeschooling Mom of three....15 DD dancer and 12 DS mountain biker and 5 DD calico critter and dolly mommy 12/2014 8/2015 11/2015 9/2016 |
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10-11-2020, 07:43 AM | #5 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,065
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Re: Conversations about sleep training
I have no direct advice about what to say or to do, but perhaps God put you there for a reason. Maybe you are meant to help somehow. If it's Him, you will get all the wisdom you need.
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10-12-2020, 04:11 PM | #6 |
Rose Garden
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Selkirk Mountains
Posts: 52,860
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Re: Conversations about sleep training
That's so hard. Sleeping 12 straight hours, not allowing for growth spurts or variances in development, sounds more dangerous than what most parents do, which is to aim for 8 hours of sleep by 3 months of age. I would have a heavy conscience if I didn't say something.
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10-14-2020, 03:40 PM | #7 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 10,090
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Re: Conversations about sleep training
I don't have any useful ideas, but if I were in your place, I wouldn't have even been able to speak up. So good job at least you gave them a different angle to consider.
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Rita s IstJ Wife to my brilliant geek James iNtJ since 4/08 Mom to our angel boy Jay 5/08 our quirky miracle DD Ivy 6/10 mellow miracle DS Jacob 7/15 Often Please forgive my frequent typos Standing firmly on Team Lioness!!! Roar!!! I am ready for people to know I am a GCM find me on Facebook |
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10-17-2020, 05:28 PM | #8 |
Rose Bouquet
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 831
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Re: Conversations about sleep training
Thanks everyone for your comments.
Just to clarify, in initially expressing my concerns, I focused merely on what I saw as unrealistic and potentially dangerous expectations of specific time frames they had been told to expect. I told them that I thought such long periods of sleep were not realistic for many infants of such young age, expressed that I did not want them to feel shame or failure if it didn't work out, and recommended running the plan by their pediatrician and making sure baby was still gaining if she was sleeping long periods. I'm not unhappy with what I said but I just dumped it on them and then had to leave. I should have asked more questions and had more of a dialogue. I did see them again, but it was across the room at a socially distanced gathering. I neither avoided them nor sought them out, and they did not approach us. They seemed preoccupied with the people they had come with so I did not intrude. I'm fine with it. The whole episode has prompted some good internal reflection on how I handle (or perhaps don't handle) difficult or confrontational conversations, which I think is valuable.
__________________
Karen Wifey to the Husby 9/6/2006 Mama to The Littlest Man in all the Land 5/31/2012 and The Littlest Girl in all the World 1/28/2016 Counseling is like cleaning out your fridge. Mostly it's rearranging things so they make more sense. Now and then you come across some really nasty thing that's been stuck in the back way too long. |
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10-17-2020, 06:27 PM | #9 |
Rose Garden
Our Family
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 5,047
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Re: Conversations about sleep training
Honestly that sounds like a good response. Enough to say you care about the baby but not saying that your idea is Right.
__________________
Mary K
wife to Daniel for 16 years mom to 13 year old the Girl and 11 year old the Boy and 8 year old Tiny Almost always posting from my phone. |
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10-18-2020, 10:25 AM | #10 | |
Rose Garden
Why climb a mountain? Because it's there!
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Selkirk Mountains
Posts: 52,860
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Re: Conversations about sleep training
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