The Five Steps - Page 3

Mama Rophe · 10-15-2005, 07:42 PM

I was just wondering...

My ds, who is 16 months, just starts to scream louder and louser when I do the bear hug. He does understand small things, like "Please bring me your shoes."etc. When it is time to clean up, I always have to help him, because he doesn't have the attention span to do it himself yet. What I do is this... I say, "It's time to clean up now." I then slowly start cleaning and he starts to help. When he starts to throw a "tantrum" I try to calm him down with the "bear hug". He just gets louder. I'm not quite sure what to do at this point. Any advice?

10-16-2005, 07:33 AM

Yep, Ladies

it really works.......and I'm so much calmer as well now.....of course I still have my moments, but less and less..

Halelujah!!

Thankyou for the 5 steps...I've been telling all my freinds here in rainy Manchester about it!

10-16-2005, 07:38 AM

oops sorry laura!

i didnt offer any advice....

with an 18mth old try good old diversion.....ie counting the things you're putting away in a loud and funny voice?

or tickling him after every thing you put away...make a game?

or go through the five steps again?..in a quiet voice sometimes helps.....they have to quiet down to hear what you're saying?

ArmsOfLove · 10-16-2005, 09:57 AM

And with an 18 mo I'd do step one and then skip to step 3 and make step 4 doing it with him or even 4 him, though if you start and make it playful he will likely jump right in

And I'd encourage you to do the Bear Hug at neutral and positive times--usually I just brush into a room, grab someone up in a Bear Hug, and then go back to what I was doing. This way my children don't associate it with conflict, but with comfort

hth

10-18-2005, 08:16 AM

Quote:

And I'd encourage you to do the Bear Hug at neutral and positive times--usually I just brush into a room, grab someone up in a Bear Hug, and then go back to what I was doing. This way my children don't associate it with conflict, but with comfort

Oh I like that! I'm gonna start doing that too. Thanks, Arms Of Love. Your "name" suits you!

ArmsOfLove · 10-18-2005, 09:05 AM

Quote:

Arms Of Love. Your "name" suits you!

10-18-2005, 10:12 AM

I agree!!!

Mama Rophe · 10-18-2005, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove

And with an 18 mo I'd do step one and then skip to step 3 and make step 4 doing it with him or even 4 him, though if you start and make it playful he will likely jump right in

And I'd encourage you to do the Bear Hug at neutral and positive times--usually I just brush into a room, grab someone up in a Bear Hug, and then go back to what I was doing. This way my children don't associate it with conflict, but with comfort

hth

Thank you! I have started doing this and now ds loves to have his hugs. I love this time too, because he gives hugs and kisses back to me.

10-26-2005, 05:43 PM

with the 5 steps, I may not be getting it but with the 5th step (the bear hug), it that used only when DS isn't complying after helping him?

Can you please explain that more?

thankyou

ArmsOfLove · 10-26-2005, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mum2one

with the 5 steps, I may not be getting it but with the 5th step (the bear hug), it that used only when DS isn't complying after helping him?

Can you please explain that more?

thankyou

The helping should complete the task. The Bear Hug is for if the child's internal boundaries break down and he becomes violent towards himself or others or is melting down. Some children require it when they become aggressive. Some children desire it as it is contact and closeness and helps them feel safe. But at the point where you help the job gets done.

does that help?

10-26-2005, 11:13 PM

Yep, Thanks for that.

Garnet · 03-20-2006, 09:11 PM

is it just me or should step five come with a clause to it? I showed it to a few ap friends and they wonder how a child picking up toys goes from picking up toys, to a juvenile deliquent in need of restraint.

often we use step 5 when my oldest ds gets out of control, but for the others we stop at step 3 or 4. I think they are right, and I almost wish I hadn't shown it to them, it makes us seem more punitive than we are.

ArmsOfLove · 03-21-2006, 07:46 PM

some children are just that intense

I mean

Most often picking up toys does not requre the fifth step

Garnet · 03-21-2006, 07:51 PM

thats what I said and they were, I don't know Kelli.......ugh. Anyway, I'm over it. I know I'm not a punitive parent. There was all this stuff said about step 5 invading a childs space, and I was like

you all *ARE* AP, right? Because as an AP parent, I don't have space. Lack of space is more like it. It might be unusual in some houses for a parent to hug their child after they've done a task they're asked to do, but not mine.

Thanks Crystal.

04-06-2006, 09:59 AM

Hugging a child when they're a bit out of control is much better than shouting and smacking.....

I find the 5 step method very helpful, and much more comforting for a child....

sometime other people's 'helpful feedback' tells you more about them and 'where they are' with stuff than about your progress...

God Bless you

sarah
xxx

10-15-2005, 07:42 PM	#31
Mama Rophe Rose Garden Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: South Dakota. Posts: 7,152	Re: The Five Steps I was just wondering... My ds, who is 16 months, just starts to scream louder and louser when I do the bear hug. He does understand small things, like "Please bring me your shoes."etc. When it is time to clean up, I always have to help him, because he doesn't have the attention span to do it himself yet. What I do is this... I say, "It's time to clean up now." I then slowly start cleaning and he starts to help. When he starts to throw a "tantrum" I try to calm him down with the "bear hug". He just gets louder. I'm not quite sure what to do at this point. Any advice? __________________ ...

10-16-2005, 07:33 AM	#32
sgreen Guest Posts: n/a	Re: The Five Steps Yep, Ladies it really works.......and I'm so much calmer as well now.....of course I still have my moments, but less and less.. Halelujah!! Thankyou for the 5 steps...I've been telling all my freinds here in rainy Manchester about it!

10-16-2005, 07:38 AM	#33
sgreen Guest Posts: n/a	Re: The Five Steps oops sorry laura! i didnt offer any advice.... with an 18mth old try good old diversion.....ie counting the things you're putting away in a loud and funny voice? or tickling him after every thing you put away...make a game? or go through the five steps again?..in a quiet voice sometimes helps.....they have to quiet down to hear what you're saying?

10-16-2005, 09:57 AM	#34
ArmsOfLove Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 79,607	Re: The Five Steps And with an 18 mo I'd do step one and then skip to step 3 and make step 4 doing it with him or even 4 him, though if you start and make it playful he will likely jump right in And I'd encourage you to do the Bear Hug at neutral and positive times--usually I just brush into a room, grab someone up in a Bear Hug, and then go back to what I was doing. This way my children don't associate it with conflict, but with comfort hth __________________ Crystal "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

10-18-2005, 10:12 AM	#37
sgreen Guest Posts: n/a	Re: The Five Steps I agree!!!

10-26-2005, 05:43 PM	#39
mum2one Guest Posts: n/a	Re: The Five Steps with the 5 steps, I may not be getting it but with the 5th step (the bear hug), it that used only when DS isn't complying after helping him? Can you please explain that more? thankyou

10-26-2005, 11:13 PM	#41
mum2one Guest Posts: n/a	Re: The Five Steps Yep, Thanks for that.

03-20-2006, 09:11 PM	#42
Garnet Deactivated Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 7,443	Re: The Five Steps is it just me or should step five come with a clause to it? I showed it to a few ap friends and they wonder how a child picking up toys goes from picking up toys, to a juvenile deliquent in need of restraint. often we use step 5 when my oldest ds gets out of control, but for the others we stop at step 3 or 4. I think they are right, and I almost wish I hadn't shown it to them, it makes us seem more punitive than we are.

03-21-2006, 07:46 PM	#43
ArmsOfLove Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 79,607	Re: The Five Steps some children are just that intense I mean Most often picking up toys does not requre the fifth step __________________ Crystal "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

03-21-2006, 07:51 PM	#44
Garnet Deactivated Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 7,443	Re: The Five Steps thats what I said and they were, I don't know Kelli.......ugh. Anyway, I'm over it. I know I'm not a punitive parent. There was all this stuff said about step 5 invading a childs space, and I was like you all ARE AP, right? Because as an AP parent, I don't have space. Lack of space is more like it. It might be unusual in some houses for a parent to hug their child after they've done a task they're asked to do, but not mine. Thanks Crystal.

04-06-2006, 09:59 AM	#45
sgreen Guest Posts: n/a	Re: The Five Steps Hugging a child when they're a bit out of control is much better than shouting and smacking..... I find the 5 step method very helpful, and much more comforting for a child.... sometime other people's 'helpful feedback' tells you more about them and 'where they are' with stuff than about your progress... God Bless you sarah xxx

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