Mary, you rock as usual. That's why I usually tell people I parent the way I do for ME because that's how *I* am supposed to behave, not to get an end result.
Growing in Grace, your second is a clone of my oldest. Poor oldest child! Not only do I not always know what is "normal", she (I greately fear) is quite far from normal. some days. And my second seems to go with the flow pretty well, and that irritates me too...that the world has to revolve around my almost 6 year old daugther's needs. But EVERYTHING: two playdates in a row leads to a day of horrible negativity and sometimes raging; she has wildly varying energy levels and she doesn't always know how she's going to react; unfrotunately her dad and I spend too much time talking about "attitude" and "I can't believe you begged to go there and then sat around being bored" and so on.
Chris, awesome insight about your kids. Let 'em mess up.....