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Is dh modelling appropriate behavior or addressing it in the same way you are?
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No. His remark is *always* "You need to show 'em who's boss and give them a spanking!" or, "They need a good spanking!" or something like that. When we're together, he backs off completely and I need to deal with everything. By that time (when he's gotten home from work), I'm usually not a very good example of GBD
(I'm tired and stressed out). He also 'vents' on them. "How can you be so stupid!" and things like that. His expectations are very high. . .and he gets extremely frustrated when they don't act the way he thinks they should be acting for their ages. He also does the "witholding" thing. . . if dd is having a fit, he refuses to pick her up or hold her when she asks. He says that he will "not reward that behaviour!". He does have a softer spot for her than he does for the boys. . . .and is more patient and 'nicer' to her. . . and she's the best-behaved one! So, anyway. So. . .this is a 'character training' issue, then, and not really 'defiance'?