Whose Way, After All?

by Barbara Curtis

The Ezzos take as their starting point that our society has become too child-centered. In looking around me, I can only disagree. At no time in history, I believe, have parents ever been so self-centered. So many daily parental decisions are based on society's encouragement not to neglect their own needs. That's why we see so many working and aerobically well-conditioned mothers. Although the discipline of children has deteriorated drastically in the past generation, I do not believe it is due to the fact that parents are putting their children first.

It is for this reason that the Ezzos' plan misses the mark. In claiming to redress the wrong of child-centered parenting, they offer instead a model of self-centered parenting. Parents of infants are advised to institute a rigid three-hour feeding schedule -- "God's Way" as the Ezzos see it, because God created an orderly universe.

It is this type of loosely put together theological rationalization that sounds impressive to young and vulnerable parents -- too impressive to question. And the dismaying fact is that it feeds right into their own self-centeredness (due to a lack of parenting maturity). The main object seems to be to get the baby on a schedule so as to cause as little inconvenience or disruption of the parents' lives as possible. As a mother of eleven, as well as a professional author, speaker, and educator, my approach has always been to help young parents examine their own hearts in this area. One might ask, for instance, why the first question for new parents is invariably, "Is he sleeping through the night yet?" One might wonder why breastfeeding is currently on the decline. The reason as two obstetrics nurses see it -- mothers who want to get back in shape, wear nice clothes, avoid the hassle of dripping, go back to work, or play tennis all day.

One of my goals as a parent educator has been to call the selfish nature of our society and ourselves into question, encouraging instead a wholehearted acceptance of our role as parents. We need to remind parents of Jesus's servant attitude toward those entrusted to His care, and help them see that their small sacrifices in meeting their infants' needs can help them become more Christlike. Isn't that what it's all about? My first child was born when I was twenty one. This year, at forty seven, I adopted my eleventh. There is a world of difference between the self-centered young mother I once was and the mother I have become. I believe that God has used parenting to develop my character in ways that are pleasing to Him.

It may be appropriate here to mention that the Ezzos had only two daughters, presumably while they were in their twenties. Perhaps that's why their method stands in sharp contrast to Dr. William Sears' advice (for his is not a method). Dr. Sears fathered eight children spanning well into the years of wise and seasoned parenthood.

Dr. Sears is experienced enough to know that one rigid method cannot work for every child. I agree. My Heavenly Father has always treated me and loved me like an individual. Gary Ezzo speaks of "controlling the child's heart." The word control is telling. Our Heavenly Father leads, guides, encourages. If He doesn't see fit to control, why should we?

I am not a libertarian, by any means. Though we live in a community where only 2% attend church, my children are well-behaved Christian children, with high standards, strong values, respectful attitudes, and good manners. My husband and I signed up for the Ezzo course last winter when it was offered, a little out of curiosity, but mostly for professional reasons: in completing my forthcoming book on toddlers, I was researching discipline references. We dropped out after three sessions.

I sensed trouble ahead in the first session, when Gary Ezzo forestalled questions which might be raised concerning legalism. He made it clear that those who use the term legalism are people with rebellious attitudes and/or problems with authority. My husband and I were quick to spot this cult-like technique: it planted seeds of doubt in each person as to their own ability to evaluate the course content, a well as cuing class members how to regard anyone who disagreed or left the course.

At the second session, during class discussion, one mother shared her frustration because she was spanking her child to make him take naps. Sometimes the spankings went on for three hours, because she felt her authority was at stake. Where was the help for this poor parent, who needed most of all to be told that her four year old child shouldn't be forced to take a nap just because it made her life more convenient? Because the Ezzos miss the mark, and because parents' hearts are not changed to become more Christlike, I am afraid many children will continue to suffer needlessly.

Particularly infants. Although not a medical professional, I am concerned that the Ezzos are advocating a program physiologically unhealthy for infants, especially those who are breastfed, as breast milk is digested more quickly than formula. Furthermore, as a mother who has nursed eight children, I know from experience that the establishment of successful breastfeeding depends on frequent stimulation and emptying of the breasts. The Ezzos' program undermines the ability of mothers to produce enough milk, therefore jeopardizing this important connection with their babies. And my mother's heart cries out for those babies needing soothing and calming, yet left to "cry it out." Why do the Ezzos worry so much about parents being ruled by their babies? Why even choose that framework? When I cry out and God meets my needs, is He being ruled by me?

Parents need to be encouraged to bond closely with their infants to give them a secure start. An infant can not possibly be held or loved too much the first year. Mothers and fathers need to be encouraged to hold their children more often rather than less.

One might ask, "What would Jesus do?" to understand what is lacking in the Ezzo way. Jesus would not ignore an infant's cries to adhere to a schedule preached by religious experts (His harshest words were always for promulgators of systems), but would show compassion, provide comfort, and demonstrate the Father's love. I agree that parents are in desperate need of help these days. However, the help they need most is not to be found in the Ezzo Way. And the last thing they need is a method that discourages them from thinking for themselves, by claiming presumptuously to be God's Way. Unfortunately, there will always be many sheep who, in their search for answers, will gravitate to the most authoritarian voice. My prayer is that the church will pause in its rush to hop on the Ezzo bandwagon, give serious consideration to many voices -- including those with less volume and more wisdom -- and then choose wisely as it seeks to equip parents to build a strong, secure, and faithful generation.

Article copyright 1996, 2005 by Barbara Curtis
Used by Permission

Barbara is a Christian mama of 12 children and grandmother of eight. She is an author and has written many articles and several books. You can visit her website at http://www.barbaracurtis.com/. Her blog is at http://www.mommylife.net.

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