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November 17, 2005
Your children do WHAT?! (family worship)
by
“Your children do WHAT?!”
or in other words…Family Worship in Church
written by QuietSpirit
I have had many mamas on the message board ask me about my family’s convictions to family worship. What does it look like? How do we do it? How can our children do it? I thought I’d take some time to try to answer some of those questions.
Firstly, our family believes strongly in family worship. That means our children do not attend nursery….ever. Our children, except for the eldest, have never attended nursery. We feel that children should be involved in worshipping with their families. Jesus asked that the little ones be led unto Him. For our family, that means that our children snuggle next to us on the pews and attend the same worship service that we attend. We didn’t come to this conviction immediately. My eldest son attended nursery from age 1 to about age 2 ½. Then we had our second child and we began to feel that both children should be with us. My husband and I prayed about it and felt the Lord calling us to do this. We reacted with a bit of ….. “yikes!” We weren’t sure how to make church worship a pleasant not forced experience for our young children. So we gave it some time and prayer. Here is what we came up with!
In order for children to be successful at things, they must have opportunity for consistent practice. I think much of the struggles a family faces when they decide to do family worship is that they expect their young children to so something at church that they have never done in any other area of their lives. So, we decided to practice church at home. I made this fun and enjoyable, and SHORT! We used our family devotion time to practice. I would set up a little row of chairs and we would play some music. Each child (under age 8) had a small quiet toy and a crayon/paper kit. The older children don’t need the toy but often bring a small notebook and pencil. We would sit in the chairs, sing a praise song, listen to a Bible verse, and be done. The time requirement was about 2 minutes. When they could do 2 mins successfully and consistently, I increased the time to 4 mins. And so on …. Until we reached about 20 mins. We would clap hands, raise hands, etc. Worship for our family is an active experience.
That brings me to my next thought. When we decided to incorporate family worship into our church experience, we looked for two things in a church. Active worship and family friendly. We left our old church because it was not family friendly. It was active, but children were expected to be placed in nursery or Children’s Church. We did not want that for our family. So, in our new church, there is no Sunday School during worship. There is no Children’s Church. There is a Children’s Time just before the sermon where children are encouraged to come forward and hear the sermon message in a manner geared towards them. It is fun and active. Our pastors say many adults listen intently as well. ;) There are also “Children’s bags” for every child who wishes to borrow one. These contain Christian books, coloring books, and crayons. In addition, the church prints out a children’s bulletin geared towards ages 3-6 and ages 7-10. These cover the sermon topic for that day with activities, etc on the topic. Families are encouraged to worship together. There is a nursery but only about 8 children are ever there at a time. And our church is large…about 2500 members. There is a “cry room” at the back of the contemporary worship area, which has been helpful at times with our toddler. We tend to go to the contemporary service with our children. There are more active praise songs, words up on the screen, etc for the children. It makes it easier for them to participate.
When one of my children is not meeting expectations (quiet voice, sitting in pew), we remind them of the expectation and tell them to comply. If they choose not to (or cannot), we then address the situation by age. My older children (ages 8 and 10) honestly have no problems meeting expectations. But that is because they were helped to meet them when they were younger. My 6 year old? He’s a different story! *lol* At times, he gets wiggly and loud. He is then gently reminded of the worship expectations. If he cannot or will not comply, he is then taken out to the gathering space. We will then have him sit quietly on the chair out there. The difference is there are no small toy and coloring kit out there. He quickly realizes how BORING this is and asks to go back into church. Off we go, cheerfully! With toddlers and babies, we simply take them out for a bit. Or nurse ;)
I think perhaps the most important thing we have learned is that this is a process. We cannot expect our children to sit totally still all the time. Our children whisper to us in service. They fidget at times. The toddler laid on the floor last Sunday and began trying to crawl up to the Pastor! Our attitude when our children do these things can be one of two things: 1) embarrassment and discouragement or 2) an attitude of “this is a process and my chidren are still learning”. How much better for my toddler to be picked up and held instead of shamed into being quiet. Now, this last Sunday, he protested loudly about being picked up! So, we went out to the gathering space and he looked at a few books on my lap. We then went back in after the sermon.
Many people have said to me that they simply cannot do this with their child. Their child is too active, too loud, has special needs, cannot cope with the environment in church, they will hate church, etc. That may be the case with your child but I would challenge you to rethink that. I have 4 active boys, one with an autism spectrum disorder. They are bouncy, wiggly, happy, exuberant, and sometimes hyper. But we are able to worship together and my children enjoy church. They sing praise songs, ask questions, raise their hands, and for the most part, enjoy being in the service. One of the things I love is my child whispering in my ear, “What did Pastor mean when he said _________?”. What a heartwarming thing! Often I think they are just reading or coloring and they aren’t experiencing the sermon. But many times, they ask questions or make comments later that show me that they are actively listening. They are like little sponges in there!
This brings me to my most important realization in all of this. Family worship is a commitment and a lifestyle. I do not attend church with the expectation of “This is my quiet worship time with the Lord…just Him and I” I do that at other times, in Bible Study, in quiet time, but NOT in worship. Our expectation when we attend worship service is that we are worshipping as a family. I expect to be actively parenting in the pew. I expect to miss some of the sermon at time. I expect my children to whisper questions to me or my toddler to need to nurse. I expect that this is a process, a journey that will take time. I expect that my parenting cannot stop in the pew. When I have that expectation, I can joyfully minister to my family in the most intimate environment of all….worship!
Posted by at November 17, 2005 11:24 AM
Comments
I have been reading several articles on your blog lately. They have really challenged me to pray about the "right" way of worship, discipline, and parenting. I most certainly agree with your desire to have your children "experience" worship as a family. Our church does this in the beginning of the service and then allows the children to be dismissed for a more age-appropriate message. I have read and believe that I have a clear grasp on your views of discipline, but I am concerned about several messages that you are sending your child. First, when they "act up" during the service you take them to the lounge area, and let them play with books until they were ready to go back in. I believe if I were a member of your church it would be very bothersome to have someone coming and going as much as you seem to be doing, in order to have "family worship". The message that I am afraid you are sending your children is that it doesn't matter if you are a distraction to others, or that you are causing mommy to have to leave the service in order to "deal" with normal toddler behaviors. Just how much "family worship" are they receiving if you are constantly dealing with "wiggly children", and coming back and forth from the lobby? If anything, I give you tons of credit for being patient with such behavior, but I am concerned that you are teaching your children to "disrespect" those in worship around them, or that their behavior is okay. It seems that you submit to "their" behavior, instead of setting the tone, and giving proper correction when they are "disrespectful". Further more, what is a toddler "learning" by being in a sermon geared to "adults"? I apologize for being so direct, and I already know that we will disagree on "how to correct" our children...but even if you don't believe that spanking is right, do you believe that any form of correction, direction, discipline, boundaries, or rules/regulations are wrong as well? My husband and I enjoy having our children be apart of our worship time in the beginning of the service. There is nothing more precious then seeing your children learn to worship God. However, I am just as elated when I pick them up from nursery and they have learned a new bible verse or bible story, and they didn't have to be removed from the room during the story in order to be apart. While I think that the "intentions" of GCM are upworthy and good, I believe that Satan has in many situations, caused us to put our "family" before the Lord. He speaks very harshly in his Word about loving our family, husband, wife, children, father, and mother, more then we love Him. He says we cannot be a disciple of God if we do this. My children are the "center of my world"...but they will be raised to know that nothing is more important then knowing Christ and making Him known. Many Godly women in the Bible gave their sons to the Lord...physically and literally, gave back their children, despite what or how that made them feel. I fear that we are becoming a generation of mothers and fathers, that are more concerned about "not breaking our childrens spirit, then we are about doing the will of God" What a dangerous place to be. Children are very precious, and I agree with all of your scriptures posted regarding how Jesus felt about children,but we must be careful to not place our children above the One that created them...and entrusted us with them. Just a word laid on my heart by the Holy Spirit after reading your post.
God Bless
Posted by: concerned mama at November 26, 2005 08:56 PM
Ahhh!!! You ministered to my heart!! Thank you for sharing your heart on family worship! My husband and I adopted 2 children in July - a 2 yr old and an 8 mo old!! And family worship is a conviction of ours that we have joyfully been pursuing each week...but NOBODY has encouraged me as your words did!!! Thank you, thank you, sister! My heart is encouraged and stirred to press on for the eternal joy (by grace) of Samuel and Keziah!!!!!
Posted by: Shawnda at November 28, 2005 07:42 PM
Your article is very encouraging! My church doesn't have a nursery, and all the kids are in the church service with their parents. Little noises and such are to be expected and are okay at our church. It saddens me deeply when parents stress out over the sounds and movements of their little ones in the service and respond with incredible strictness. Sometimes I see such looks of worry and stress on their faces and in their children's responses that I feel very sad for both parents and children. You offer in your article a "better way"... a way that respects children and helps them learn, a way that encourages parents and helps them teach. Your ideas can help parents enjoy their children at church more and make family worship more meaningful and real, and simply help to make it a reality. Thank you so much for sharing!
Posted by: flowermama ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.gentlechristianmothers.com/weblog/nav-commenters.gif)
at November 29, 2005 12:25 AM
Hi, concerned mama! I am one of many authors of the articles in this blog. I am glad you have read some of our entries, and I am glad you have been challenged to pray about these things! That is awesome. Thank you for sharing your concerns with us.
Different families have different views on this issue of family worship. There is no one right way. I think it's one of those areas where God will convict and lead families in different ways.
At the church I attend, parents get up with their children as needed, babies make little sounds, parents sit or stand with their little ones at the back of the room or off to the side, or go outside and come back in if needed, etc. These things are looked upon as normal. We have visited many churches over the years, and my husband and I realize how unique our church is in it's acceptance of these things, and that is one reason among many that we chose this particular church, and we praise God for our church.
I agree whole-heartedly with quietspirit's gracious approach to this issue. She is kind and loving to her children, respectful of their limitations, yet firm with the boundaries she sets. In her article she gives practical, encouraging advice for which I am very grateful.
God is, we pray, first and foremost in our lives -- we strive to have Christ-centered families. I felt confused after reading some of your concerns. Are you saying that by doing family worship we are putting our children ahead of God? My husband and I are following God's leading for our family in this matter of family worship, and are seeking to glorify Him and bring our children to Him and help them learn of His grace and endless love for them. For us, we feel what better way to do that than have them beside us at church. I don't understand the concerns you are feeling regarding us as they do not fit us and who we are or what we believe in.
We do very much believe in the importance of disciplining our children. We set boundaries with our children, correct them, guide them. We have rules they need to follow. The Bible is very clear that children need parents to discipline them. I encourage you to visit our Gentle Discipline forum on the message board and our page with discipline resources to learn more about what Grace-Based Discipline is all about. :)
Posted by: flowermama at November 29, 2005 01:22 AM
Concerned mama,
I thank you for your concern. I too share your passion for the Lord and for Christian famiy life!
However, I feel that you read my article through a faulty filter. I suspect that the filter you used was "ahh...a non-spanking family. Must be a permissive family. Yep! She takes her 1 year old out to the lobby when he fusses and reads a book instead of spanking him! I was right!"
Actually, you couldn't be more wrong. My family does not believe in spanking because we feel that spanking is not Biblical. (You can read more about that on our website) We do, however, believe very strongly in rules, expectations, discipline and having a God-centered home. Frankly, I am stunned that you would, in essence, accuse me of idolatry involving my children! That is a really strong accusation and one that no one should make without being intimately involved in another person's life. I understand the general concept and concern in terms of societal parenting but please do not lump me in with societal permissiveness.
In the example you used from my entry (my 1 year old child fussing in service), there is nothing permissive in removing a young toddler from a situation, helping him to understand the expectation in an age appropriate fashion, and then bringing him back to the situation at an appropriate time. I can see how it might appear different to a family who has resorted to using punitive measures to discipline but it truly is not permissive. It is discipling and teaching. There is a saying that discipline does not need to hurt to be effective. It does need to be consistent, loving, and connected. I have found that to be true when raising my 4 children.
As for my church family, we have found them to be supportive of our parenting beliefs. Our denomination encourages family worship and does not endorse spanking. So, we are one of many families who parent in the pew.
If you read more of my posts on the message board, you might get a better understanding of who I am and where I am coming from.
I encourage you to read more about GBD(Grace Based Discipline) and how it greatly differs from permissiveness. This might help to uncloud the filter with which you are reading my entry. I hope that you continue to read at our site and find items which interest you, challenge you and encourage you as a mother.
Posted by: quietspirit at November 29, 2005 05:08 AM
Concerned Mama--thank you for your concern but it's really not warranted. I am bothered by your insistance that the Holy Spirit laid those things on your heart--please be cautious about crediting your thoughts to God. It's enough that you have the thought--own it! We certainly are capable of hearing from the Holy Spirit ourselvesa and I assure you he is not saying to me what you are saying to me.
[quote] believe if I were a member of your church it would be very bothersome to have someone coming and going as much as you seem to be doing, in order to have "family worship". [/quote]*You* probably would be. I wouldn't be. I also assume that she is sitting in an area near a door where the least disruption would occur. You also seem to assume this is happening several times a service where that isn't stated anywhere in her post at all. I don't understand why you are making that assumption except for the filter through which you are reading.
[quote]The message that I am afraid you are sending your children is that it doesn't matter if you are a distraction to others[/quote] If this were the message she were giving her children then it would be safe to assume that they would not continue to mature and be able to sit through and enjoy service when, in fact, the opposite is her experience. She must be teaching them how to have family worship with what she is doing because it is working. Please do not make unwarranted assumptions about her reality.
You say [quote]I have read and believe that I have a clear grasp on your views of discipline, [/quote] I can assure you you don't because you also go on to say [quote] even if you don't believe that spanking is right, do you believe that any form of correction, direction, discipline, boundaries, or rules/regulations are wrong as well?[/quote] If you truly understood what we believe about discipline you would never ask such a ridiculous question.
[quote]While I think that the "intentions" of GCM are upworthy and good, I believe that Satan has in many situations, caused us to put our "family" before the Lord. He speaks very harshly in his Word about loving our family, husband, wife, children, father, and mother, more then we love Him. He says we cannot be a disciple of God if we do this. My children are the "center of my world"...but they will be raised to know that nothing is more important then knowing Christ and making Him known. Many Godly women in the Bible gave their sons to the Lord...physically and literally, gave back their children, despite what or how that made them feel. I fear that we are becoming a generation of mothers and fathers, that are more concerned about "not breaking our childrens spirit, then we are about doing the will of God" What a dangerous place to be.[/quote] How DARE you make such unwarranted accusations about the women here--especially those of us running the site--as to suggest that we are tools of Satan to convince parents to worship their children as idols in place of the Lord! There is such pride, arrogance, and venom in your post that you mask with pretty words but, and I don't apologize for being so bold, I will call it as it is. You speak with sugar but poison is in your words.
My three verbal children have professed faith in the Lord! They are my brothers and sister in the Lord! My younger two babies clearly have the joy of the Lord. We worship God alone in our family! You have no right and no place to suggest otherwise! Especially in a post on Family Worship where the author is talking about bringing her children into the congregation of believers to worship THE LORD together as a family! What an odd post you pick to respond to and suggest that we love family more than God here.
I pray that you will continue to read and that as you do the Lord will open your ears and eyes to the Truth. I pray that you will grow to the place where you can see and understand how offensive your words here are. I pray that the Lord will reveal His Truth to your heart before it is too late. If you believe that we are in error, please pray the same for us.
Posted by: ArmsOfLove at November 29, 2005 08:22 AM
Thank you for the article on family worship. For me, family worship is all I have ever known. My parents kept us in worship and I have many nice memories worshiping with my family as a child and growing in faith with them.
As I grew older and had a family of my own,family worship was 2nd nature. I feel that there is nothing more lovely than cuddling with my little ones as we listen to their father proclaim the Gospel message. :)
Worshiping as a family...studying God's Word together as a family both in the corporate setting and at home is not idolatry..but our family unit serving the Lord together as full members of the Body of Christ.
Posted by: Pastorswife at November 29, 2005 09:03 AM
Concerned Mom...
I think you missed some important things in this post. QuietSpirit is NOT allowing her children to leave the service only to play with books and toys in the narthex...she clearly states that when they leave the sanctuary, they have to sit quietly and have nothing to play with, so they choose to come back into the service.
Also, she states that during this period of her life, where family worship is important, she is seeking other ways to worship God without distractions. She is not placing her children ahead of God.
I do not think there is anything inherrantly sinful about children's church or nurseries--I've utilized them, and continue to do so. My 7 year old and 5 year old join my husband and I for worship, but our 3.5 year old leaves after the children's sermon, and our 23 month old is in the nursery the entire time. But I do not find the existance of such things ever mentioned in the Bible. Which does make me wonder how "necessary" they really are to the spiritual education of our children. Really, don't you think they would have gotten just a verse or two if they were really important?
QuietSpirit's post has really challenged my heart. I will be prayerfully considering and discussing with my husband bringing our two younger children into church. Of course if we do, we will sit near the back to minimize disturbance to other worshippers--which is what I expect that QuietSpirit also does.
Jenn
Posted by: Knitted_in_the_womb at December 20, 2005 06:58 PM
Thank you for your article, quietspirit. It is very helpful. Jeri led me to it recently when I posted about this very thing. I was getting a little discouraged by everyone saying that their children went to SS or children's church and beginning to wonder if I was the only one who wanted my children with me during the worship service. Your article has encouraged me and will be a guide for me in helping my babies stay with me through the service and enjoy it as I do. They already love the music part! :) I just need to get some things more prepared to help them make it through the preaching time as well. I look forward mostly to the day when my ds and dd ask me what the pastor was talking about when... That gave me such a warm feeling when you said your dc do that. Thank you for your article.
Posted by: candle at July 24, 2006 12:03 PM
I know this is several years after you have blogged, but I wanted to thank you for your comments. My dh and I have only ever found one church that is family friendly, and unfortunatley we are no longer able to attend it.
I have often wondered if wanting to have my family together while in worship was something only I felt! Because of the inability to bring my ds to service, I have stopped attending services all together, while my dh & other dcs go. I am encouraged to begin my search for another friendly church now! Thanks!
Posted by: mindyeva7 at December 2, 2007 09:09 PM
