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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing.
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:07 AM   #1
Eowyn
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Lightbulb Light bulb moment

I grew up being spanked as the first resort form of discipline. Often, I would react by getting angry (of course), and throwing a giant fit. I just now, at 30, realized in part why it was never just one spanking.

I didn't react properly. I didn't do what I was supposed to. I was *supposed* to submit and admit the error of my little kid ways. I was supposed to somehow connect the pain I was experiencing with my action and realize that I had done the wrong thing and remember not to do it again. I was supposed to be penitent and sorrowful for my actions.

Except that I hadn't read the book. I didn't know that I was supposed to be sorry for what I'd done. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. I just knew that somehow, causing me pain didn't serve to ease the anger or the frustration of the person inflicting it. I did know that it hurt and it made me angry and that my anger and feelings were then directed immediately towards the pain and the person inflicting it.

Spanking interferes with the cause and effect relationship of discipline and consequences because it comes between the erroneous action and the real-world results.
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:28 AM   #2
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eowyn View Post
I grew up being spanked as the first resort form of discipline. Often, I would react by getting angry (of course), and throwing a giant fit. I just now, at 30, realized in part why it was never just one spanking.

I didn't react properly. I didn't do what I was supposed to. I was *supposed* to submit and admit the error of my little kid ways. I was supposed to somehow connect the pain I was experiencing with my action and realize that I had done the wrong thing and remember not to do it again. I was supposed to be penitent and sorrowful for my actions.

Except that I hadn't read the book. I didn't know that I was supposed to be sorry for what I'd done. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. I just knew that somehow, causing me pain didn't serve to ease the anger or the frustration of the person inflicting it. I did know that it hurt and it made me angry and that my anger and feelings were then directed immediately towards the pain and the person inflicting it.

Spanking interferes with the cause and effect relationship of discipline and consequences because it comes between the erroneous action and the real-world results.
I am in the middle of writing a blog post about this exact same thing!! I realized this last week.

Its hard to recognize sometimes.. I grieve for the little girl I was, and I wish I could go back and give her a heads up.

The bolded should go in the Radom Quote section at the top of the page. :reckon
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:31 AM   #3
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

This is a great response to the idea that a spanking is supposed to get the child's attention.
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:31 AM   #4
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

I would egg my parents on. I had a really tough bottom. My once broke a spoon on my bottom. I think she stopped spanking around that time. I was too "strong willed". I am glad I didn't come from a Dobson family. I am sure I wuldn't believe in God.
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:38 AM   #5
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

Mostly what I remember is the relief when it was all over (I guess my parents thought that was repentance) But I think what spankings were really "good for" was the threat factor. All they had to do the next time something happened they didn't like is say "do you want a spanking?"
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:45 AM   #6
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

I always said yes.

My parents didn't spank for godly reasons. They did it because they thought you spanked when kids were bad. So, I seriously don't have that connection.
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:45 AM   #7
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShangriLewis View Post
I would egg my parents on. I had a really tough bottom. My once broke a spoon on my bottom. I think she stopped spanking around that time. I was too "strong willed". I am glad I didn't come from a Dobson family. I am sure I wuldn't believe in God.
It was a hairbrush here. And my parents did like Dobson quite a bit. They respect the way we're raising our children, though, to their great credit.
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:46 AM   #8
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

My mom is super proud of me. She loves how far I have come
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:47 AM   #9
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

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Originally Posted by ShangriLewis View Post
I always said yes.
My thought process was, "Of course I don't want one. But I want to do what I want to do, and you're going to do it anyway if I don't do exactly what you want, which isn't something I can figure out so.........what the heck. G'head."
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Old 05-26-2012, 12:03 PM   #10
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

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Originally Posted by Eowyn View Post
My thought process was, "Of course I don't want one. But I want to do what I want to do, and you're going to do it anyway if I don't do exactly what you want, which isn't something I can figure out so.........what the heck. G'head."
Yes...the inscrutability of what behaviors were going to warrant a spanking is why I was spanked many times throughout my growing up years. But in the moment, if I was doing something, the threats worked enough to make me stop when told.

Our spanking implement was a plastic spoon that STUNG like crazy. It was not something I ever wanted to endure if given the option.

---------- Post added at 02:03 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:58 PM ----------

Also, I like your point about kids not reading the parenting manuals! In my case though, my parents were pretty up front with their spanking philosophy. We always had discussion sessions about why they were doing it, complete with Bible verses to back it up. It was a good way to get us to toe the line...of course we couldn't argue with God's chosen way!
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Old 05-26-2012, 12:21 PM   #11
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

I am enormously thankful my parents didn't bring Scripture into it.

I was told that I had done something wrong, and now I must be punished, although I never really understood why.
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Old 05-26-2012, 01:07 PM   #12
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eowyn View Post
I am enormously thankful my parents didn't bring Scripture into it.

I was told that I had done something wrong, and now I must be punished, although I never really understood why.
Bringing Scripture into it really messed with my head and gave me burdens that no child should ever shoulder. It is only in the last year that I realized just how wrong it is to quote scripture at a kid before you hit them.
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Old 05-26-2012, 01:15 PM   #13
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

Quote:
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I am enormously thankful my parents didn't bring Scripture into it.

I was told that I had done something wrong, and now I must be punished, although I never really understood why.
So at what age could you be told that "X was wrong" and you understood that it was wrong?

Or do you mean you never understood why you had to be punished? If that's the case, at about what age did you realize that you do need to make amends for a wrong done?
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Old 05-26-2012, 01:19 PM   #14
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

GREAT insight, Lindsay! I was always confused about why I was getting spanked
, like the time I scratched my name in the car with my fingernail when I was 5; I thought it was HILARIOUS and that everyone else would agree. Not.so.much. Even more inscrutable was Dad standing over me after the spanking screaming at me to stop crying (that happened afterwards most times). I didn't get that, and still don't. Nobody talked to me about what I'd done wrong, about respecting property or anything. All I learned was not to scratch my name in the car, which I would've figured out anyway when nobody laughed.
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Old 05-26-2012, 01:56 PM   #15
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Default Re: Light bulb moment

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Originally Posted by tigerlily View Post
So at what age could you be told that "X was wrong" and you understood that it was wrong?
Around 8 before I could really internalize it, but it was critical to be told why, and exactly why, not just because the Bible says so. It's part of growing into the knowledge and understanding of why the Lord commands what He does.


Quote:
Or do you mean you never understood why you had to be punished? If that's the case, at about what age did you realize that you do need to make amends for a wrong done?
That. I wasn't taught to make amends. As a result, I was in my 20s before I understood it. I'm doing my best to teach my kids this from the start.
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