ETLDTD - week 4 :)

[tempus vernum]

Review weeks one, two and three. How are you doing? Are you harnessing the power of perception, the power of attention, and the power of free will? Keep working on it.

My dd is doing drama camp this week and something they drill into them is "practice makes PERMANENT" I LOVE that phrase and am going to adopt it.

I also remembered something my aunt told me this year that I want to throw in before I type up the challenge.

MAKE IT a great day (i.e. don't "have a great day" but make it great.) One of my life mottos is "life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you make of it". Today when you are thinking on the challenge, remember you MAKE this happen and remember we are all working together and are imperfect -- just works in progress

Week 4

The power of Unity
Focus on connection instead of trying to be special
discipline: encouragement
value: interdependence

Take 5 minutes or more to be with each of your child (don't do something just be together)

Always ask yourself "do I want to connect or do I want to be special?" (i.e. right or happy?)

Practice changing your self-defeating statement into encouraging ones. Say "I can handle this. I am good enough" (I am going to change it to "I can do all things through him who gives me strength" Phil 4:13)

Notice how often you judge people or situations. Stop judging start noticing.

Encouragement:
When your children choose to obey, celebrate with encouragement.
(see pg 264 for wording)

encouge children when you see them using a behavior you want them to use.

Chronic behavior problems indicate a significant relationship has been injured. THIS used to be something I said ALL time the "connect before you correct" and this is why. But I will save myself a long winded soap box on this issue. and just tell you to read the challenge p 254 to p 255 and don't forget to read the chapter on encouragement.

MAKE IT a great week.

We have a 150 mile bike ride to do this weekend so I will probably not see you until monday unless we get flooded out. . . we are in SE WI If you think of it please pray my back makes it. The weather isn't helping it's condition although it is MUCH MUCH MUCH improved Hope you don't mind me sneaking in that prayer request

[TraceMama]

[MamaMansa]

[marigold]

I just want to say that this stuff is HARD to do. I am packing for a move in the near future (not sure the exact date), trying to clean house, cooking meals and all on my own while my husband is away working (that is why we are moving) anyhow the long and the short of it is that it is hard to prioritize the kids when I have a list of things to do that is longer than long. I totally lost it this afternoon, I don't know what good it does to apologize to a 2 1/2 yr old and a 1 yr old but I figure if I want them to do it I'd better model it and boy did I need to after acting like a baby myself The thing in if one thing goes badly I can regroup, stay calm and continue, but when I'm continually dealing with hitting, biting, no co-operation, ignoring what I say even if I know why (dd didn't nap) it just builds up until it comes out in a major hissy fit. Does anyone have any good ideas to express my anger so I can move on. Verbally saying I'm angry here's why does not work - I used to go out and run a couple of miles but tow kids and I'm not in shape and... you get the idea. Maybe I should have started a new thread for this Anyway, I guess I'll get out my book, read a little and try again tomorrow. Thanks for letting me vent here.

It is always harder to deal with parenting when life is throwing plenty of additional stress your way. And I'm sure you know it, but it's quite possible that some of their misbehavior is due to all the extra stuff you've got on your plate, and is their way of seeking your attention and reassurance that all is well. I do think that you're on the right track with apologizing to them, and modeling repentance. As far as dealing with your anger - you could get a mini-tramp and rebound in the house if the running thing appeals. I will sometimes put on loud music and dance/exercise; one of my favorite songs to do that with when I'm angry/sad/frustrated is "Flood" by Jars of Clay.

This has been a tough week for us. The boys have had VBS, and whether all the associated craziness is the cause or not, I don't know, but wow. They have been very difficult. Ds2, who I just wrote about doing so well last week, has seemed more like his old, problematic self this week. He had a huge meltdown at VBS today, and I still haven't been able to sort out exactly what happened. But, at least I kept my cool through it all, so definite progress on the composure front.

And this week's assignment is tough for me. I am lousy at remembering to say encouraging things. And when I do, they are all the things that apparently I'm not supposed to say. The whole idea of just noticing without judging is so foreign, and is going to be very hard to break. I thought I was doing a good thing by saying stuff like "good job" instead of "good boy" - trying to get away from the idea that your actions made you good or bad, kwim? Sooo... lots of work to do here.

[The Tickle Momster]

Marigold I want to continue a thought that Laura started.

And I'm sure you know it, but it's quite possible that some of their misbehavior is due to all the extra stuff you've got on your plate, and is their way of seeking your attention and reassurance that all is well.

This is especially where connection comes into play. If you can spend a few minutes with them, focused on them, in the moment, they may be more able to handle you getting some other stuff done. My older 2 are 15 months apart. I know how hard it is to do ANYTHING, let alone pack for a move. Try to spend 10 - 15 minutes connecting with them every hour and see if things get a little better.

I am behind on the reading. I've been reading How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Really good book as well. It fits with a lot of what ETLDTD teaches.

[marigold]

[QUOTE=The Tickle Momster;3222995]
This is especially where connection comes into play. If you can spend a few minutes with them, focused on them, in the moment, they may be more able to handle you getting some other stuff done. My older 2 are 15 months apart. I know how hard it is to do ANYTHING, let alone pack for a move. Try to spend 10 - 15 minutes connecting with them every hour and see if things get a little better.

This is kinda what I tried to do. Yesterday I just called it quits on trying to accomplish anything and went and had a pool party in our wading pool with the kids until it was time to come in and get ready for supper. I will have to try to do small connects more often so I don't get to the point that it got to yesterday again. Thanks so much for the advice and perspective.
As far as "good job" goes I've tried to change it to an enthusiastic "way to go" I think that doesn't judge the action as good or bad but it celebrates successes with them.

[hopeforchange]

subbing

[TraceMama]

Well, I'm sad to say that I'm only now *finally* getting caught up on my reading But, I'm harnessing one of the powers and not letting myself inflict "shoulds" or shame on myself and saying "this moment is as it is" Actually, this is HUGE for me.

Wow. This book is *amazing* I've read parts of it before, but reading it again makes me realize how far astray my parenting has gone , how much I still need to work on myself and the powers of self-control before I can even begin to focus on my dc. It's overwhelming and empowering all at once.

This week and the need to connect rather than be "special" hits very close to home for me. I grew up a perfectionist needing the approval of others and to feel "special" enough to merit praise. I'm letting it go and choosing to connect with my children and to teach them their value as a member of our family, the body of Christ, the world God has created. Powerful this is. Lots of ripples across many areas for me -- spiritual and emotional.

I need to read this book every year, in fact I'd love to have it in audio version to have it playing continuously all year long.

[marigold]

Can we keep doing week 4 fro another week. I feel I need to sit down with the book and go over all the challenges so far and we haven't done this week for a whole week yet.

[tempus vernum]

Originally Posted by marigold

Can we keep doing week 4 fro another week. I feel I need to sit down with the book and go over all the challenges so far and we haven't done this week for a whole week yet.

yeah, we are going to stick in this week for a little longer. At least until next monday

[tempus vernum]

OK so how is everyone doing connecting?

I have been doing a bedtime "goodnight" to all my kids body parts for years - they ask for it if I don't do it. I spent alone time with my eldest dd on Sunday (i.e. a little mini date). I need to take dd2 on an actual "date" and not just grocery shopping and to starbucks We do regular "dates" with mom and dad for our kids - only that one child and the parent

I try to spend a few minutes snuggling each child when they get up in the a.m. and the other kids always know that is my "alone time" with kids and not to interrupt.

I also am fairly good and connecting one other time a day unless we are super busy - and spending just 5 minutes alone with each one

Unless it's an emergency, if I am "engaged" with one child, the others know not to interrupt. The youngest (4.5yo) still struggles with this so I may say "hang on, let's help her so we can get back to 'our time' "

The biggest thing I am happy about is that this is an area I am good at

[The Tickle Momster]

Wow! You really are good at this. This is my biggest struggle. I do not do relationship well.

How did you teach your kiddos to not interrupt in the morning? Or the other times? I cannot imagine that working here right now.

[MamaMansa]

I'm not good at this.

Well, I take that back.....I'm good at this until a certain age. It doesn't come quite as naturally anymore with my older two.....now that one of them is adult-sized, LOL. I need to be better.

ETA: I was referring to the snuggling part. I'm better at dates with the older two, but need to improve on the snuggling.

This is not my strong suit either. It seems like every time I get one of them alone, the others come and join us. I've never tried teaching them not to interrupt us - perhaps I should do that. I do often lay down with them individually at bedtime - well, all but my oldest. Last month we read a book together after the younger children were all in bed, and he really enjoyed that. Part of me thinks I should look for another one to read, and part of me doesn't want to because it really cut into my "me" time before bed - or I ended up staying up really late to accommodate it.