ETLDTD - week two :)

[tempus vernum]

Just FYI, I will be gone from Thurs to Sat and may not make it on after today. . . we'll see - lots of packing and stuff to get ready for our trip to the creation museum in KY!

Week 2

READ chapter 4: Assertiverness: saying no and being heard

Harnessing the power of attention
What you focus on, you get more of.
Discipline and respect

PRACTICE
Tell yourself AT LEAST 5 times a day "what I focus on, I get more of."
Pay attention to your focus
When you are upset, pivot.
Tell your child what you WILL do.

ASSERTIVENESS
Listen to yourself talk to your children
complete the following
___________% passive
____________% agressive
__________% passive agressive
__________% assertive

Give your children assertive commands (see pg 261 for examples )
If your child ignores you say "i will show you what I want you to do"
When you feel frustrated or ignored say "I feel X when you Y"
Teach your child to handle intrusions by other children in the manner on pg 262
Teach your child to get what they want while respecting the rights of others. See page 262

AND remember week one

*************************
WEEK ONE


Notice how your thoughts create your feelings

Listen to how often you blame others

When you are upset say "I feel angry, and it's okay" followed by "I am willing to see this differently

Remind yourself, "whomever is in charge of my feelings is in charge of me

When you are upset YOU have a problem - it's a signal - use one of the 7 poswers of self control before you act on your upset.

Breathe deeply and decide that you are going to stick with these exercises

[MamaMansa]

[phathui5]

Thank you for starting the thread. I spent a lot of time today thinking about how I've fallen into focusing on what I don't want rather than what I do want from the kids. Today I've tried to ask them for what I do want rather than telling them to stop doing what I don't want them to do.

[The Tickle Momster]

Been working on this already. At least, noticing when I'm saying stop that, or don't . . . Then I try to pivot & ask them to do what I DO want. It's taking some practice, but this is a fairly easy one for me. I've been working on this since I was a camp counselor in the '90s.

I'm not sure (haven't re-read yet) how this leads to respect. Off to re-read.

Jodi for doing all this. Have a fabulous vacation with your family.

[TraceMama]

[hopeforchange]

[tempus vernum]

And don't forget to read the chapter on assertiveness. I added that to the above post but posting here in case you don't notice

AFA how does respect figure in, here is a great quote from the book - I read it this a.m.!

pg 84 "show respect for your child and enforce rules without teasing, embarassing or bullying. Being respectful means you focus on improving behavior rather than on punishing."

To me, this means assertiveness = respectful

This chapter was such a good remind to me of how I want to parent *sigh* I have fallen into a few bad habits that were GLARINGLY obvious when I read this

Well, big composure fail today. The kids were just not cooperating about getting stuff picked up, and were instead making a bigger mess. I had been trying really hard to give specific directives, but basically they ignored me. I finally blew up and yelled, and then cried. Then I did what I should have done before, which was remove myself to my room to calm down and regroup.

The only positive thing about all of this is that I'm at least doing a better job of not beating myself up for it, and am instead trying to figure out how to move forward.

[tempus vernum]

Originally Posted by HindsFeet

Well, big composure fail today. The kids were just not cooperating about getting stuff picked up, and were instead making a bigger mess. I had been trying really hard to give specific directives, but basically they ignored me. I finally blew up and yelled, and then cried. Then I did what I should have done before, which was remove myself to my room to calm down and regroup.

The only positive thing about all of this is that I'm at least doing a better job of not beating myself up for it, and am instead trying to figure out how to move forward.

I had lots of nasty moments last week

BUt as you said, moving forward is PROGRESS

Originally Posted by HindsFeet

Well, big composure fail today. The kids were just not cooperating about getting stuff picked up, and were instead making a bigger mess. I had been trying really hard to give specific directives, but basically they ignored me. I finally blew up and yelled, and then cried. Then I did what I should have done before, which was remove myself to my room to calm down and regroup.

The only positive thing about all of this is that I'm at least doing a better job of not beating myself up for it, and am instead trying to figure out how to move forward.

It happens! (not meeting parenting goals, blowing it, etc.) That's one thing about the book, it is so hopeful, it believes in us! She keeps saying if we blow it, don't beat ourselves up, just try again. And at least awareness is so huge, being aware of it all is the first step. Conflict is a learning experience, right, so when we blow it, we learn something. 8)

Well, it's a darn good thing, because I blew it multiple times today. I don't know what was up with me - I was just sort of an emotional mess. I don't know if it was being tired from attending a birth yesterday, or stress over dh leaving town, or what. But I definitely blew things out of proportion.

I did, however, apologize to the children for losing my cool, and promised to continue to try to work on using kind words appropriately spoken. I talked some with my oldest in particular about how yelling isn't how I want them to try to solve their problems, and it isn't okay for me either. And that *all* of us are allowed to make mistakes, apologize for them and learn from them, and move on.

I'm off to bed to read a little in the book, get some rest, and am praying for a better day tomorrow.

[tempus vernum]

Originally Posted by HindsFeet

Well, it's a darn good thing, because I blew it multiple times today. I don't know what was up with me - I was just sort of an emotional mess. I don't know if it was being tired from attending a birth yesterday, or stress over dh leaving town, or what. But I definitely blew things out of proportion.

I did, however, apologize to the children for losing my cool, and promised to continue to try to work on using kind words appropriately spoken. I talked some with my oldest in particular about how yelling isn't how I want them to try to solve their problems, and it isn't okay for me either. And that *all* of us are allowed to make mistakes, apologize for them and learn from them, and move on.

I'm off to bed to read a little in the book, get some rest, and am praying for a better day tomorrow.

It sounds like a great chat with your oldest. Mine have all been tremendously gracious towards me when I apologize - I think apologizing is VERY important for parents.

I got my period yesterday which may be the reason i was exploding last week. I also haven't been sleeping much which I think amplifies PMS.

Praying for a better day for you today

[KarenBoo]

[jandjmommy]

Didn't post on last week's study because I felt like a big fat failure. So thank you to those who posted that they also had some rough spots during week one. Still can't figure out why while I was reading the chapters in wk 1 outline I was acting in just about an opposite manner.
The assertiveness chapter helped me turn it around--maybe that's my biggest issue. I tend to be aggressive, not assertive, so I've dialed it down and really tried to think before I speak, reword the first thing that pops into my head instead of spewing it out, and it's been working very well!
This was the first book I read in my desperate search for something "not Dobson" about 18 months ago--"getting it" on another level now that I have a better understanding of GBD.